Holiday Hope

I sit here on Christmas Day during a small lull in the holiday excitement, and I am really happy. There are a lot of frustrating and disappointing things going on in my life, and on the whole it has been rather depressing. At this moment, however, though none of the problems are gone, there seems to be a lightness brought upon me. I am sure that some of it is the holidays themselves, but on top of that some people in my life have made a difference. Truth be told, a lot of them probably have no idea what they have done, and in fact many actions were so small that most wouldn't notice them. For whatever reason, with people I notice the smallest things, and they can often make a huge difference. It is such a thing now.

I think that the biggest thing that happens is that the holidays make people put down their fears and frustrations and just be. When that happens, I find that people do things unconsciously that can make people very happy. Whether it was my brother learning a new game from me, an estranged relationship having a casual conversation, a good friend from far away striking up a long and enjoyable conversation, or words of love spread around so freely, they all make a difference.

My birthday was also a week ago, and mixing that in with the holidays has aided in making a difference. I had a party at my favorite bar, and friends from many of the various aspects of my life all came together with even some of my family to create a great night. I enjoyed old friends, strengthened some budding relationships, and even made some new friends. Mix that with holiday cheer and it can certainly make for a good feeling.

I will say that this holiday was far from perfect, or even close to being great in comparison to some of the others. It was something good though. It was a reaffirmation in hope. Buying presents for friends and family, hearing people unconsciously singing in the streets, receiving words of love from those in your life. Somehow all of these things come together, and if you are willing to let them make something great happen, no matter what the circumstances. It doesn't matter if you are alone when you want to be with someone. It doesn't matter if your family is 4 hours late to Christmas dinner. It doesn't matter if you don't get the gift you were so hoping for. The holidays can still bring hope. I say not that these things are not saddening or difficult, or even that you won't have a bad day, but if you let what is going on around you as a whole grab onto you it can be a great thing.

It is funny that so many people feel slightly estranged from other religions at the holidays, because they all celebrate so differently. Personally, though my family doesn't quite agree, I like celebrating most of the holidays, religious or not during this season. What I find most amusing is that they all are based on hope. Whether they were created by the hope brought on by a continuously burning lamp, or the birth of a promised king, or the simple promise that winter's trials will be met with spring bounty, all these holidays bring people together in hope. No matter where your life is, you can gain that from the holidays. Things may not change that moment, but the hope can give you strength to face the challenges you have, and that is an amazing thing.

D.O.N.E.

Beware. The following is a true, but bitter tirade.

I am flat DONE with the following types of people:

1. Idiots who find it necessary to drink themselves into a stupor and rely on everyone else to take care of them.

2. Assholes who have no regard for the people that they hurt.

3. Fools who lie about their feelings.

4. Jerks who intentionally hurt people, especially my friends.

5. Lazy people who won't even put effort into the things they care most about.

6. People who pretend to be your friend, moreso those who talk to you, but don't actually have an interest in what you are saying.

I am traditionally a forgiving person who doesn't hold a grudge, but let me just say that anyone, be they friend, family, of love is not going to be a part of my life if they are willing to be any of the afore mentioned individuals.

Enough said.

"Nothing Hurts Like Love"

Broken hearts, broken dreams,
There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

Nothing,
Nothing,
Nothing
Hurts like love
Nothing brings your heart so much pain

Broken hearts, broken dreams

There just some things love brings
When you learn that its all the lie you cry
You find out

--Daniel Bedingfield

Good Lyrics

Family Fun

With the holiday season in full swing, and Thanksgiving having just past, one can't help but think about family. My Thanksgiving, as per usual was broken up a bit. Some time with some people here, some people there, etc. My two big events were my mom's dinner, and the annual International Thanksgiving.

My mom's was nice. Very casual, with my brother and sister (the ones I grew up with) being nice to each other, me, and my mom. It was an interesting occasion. One of my nephews was also there, and since I don't see him all that much, it was nice. The thing that got to me is that the conversation had no depth. I tried asking some questions, but the answers were simple, with no color. The only exception to this was a conversation my mom and I had as I left, which was really good. I wish I hadn't been on my way out, because it was exciting and I would have liked to delve further. As I was sitting there I thought a lot to myself about what it would take to make it so that we could have a good meaningful conversation, which in turn might lead us all to have a more meaningful relationship. At this point I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if being family is enough some times.

On the flip side, International Thanksgiving was great! This year it was a lot smaller, and while I would have liked a few more people, it certainly was nice to get to have great conversation with those there. Kellie, Jack, Jason, Jake, and L.J. also came, so it was part family, part friends. Though, I think the phrase that "friends are the family that you can choose" certainly applied to the dinner. A few old friends, some new good ones, and Cody all made the night complete.

Another thing that I have been thinking about with regards to family sprung from my trip to New Orleans. Meeting Cody's aunt and cousins made a real impact on me. I love kids, and I had a GREAT time with them. It got me to thinking though, that although I do get to see my nephews, I really don't have a relationship with my kid cousins (the ones almost young enough to be like nieces and nephews) and I would really like to. Seeing how attached they are to Cody- and he to them- despite the distance really was great. I am not sure what it is going to take to be an important part of the lives of the kids in my family, but I would certainly like to. Unlike all the adults with their agendas, prejudices, and dark histories, the kids are a clean slate, and they are ones who can see the value of family without letting all the other stuff get in the way. Perhaps the rest of this holiday season will provide me with more ways to make headway with my family near and far, blood and chosen.

Patience, the Villanous Virtue

I freely admit in my life that I have very little patience. I often say, "If it is a virtue, I don't have it." So many times in our lives we are told that patience is something that is good and important. In fact, above perhaps all else, it is that "virtue" that people treasure most with age. Those who lack patience are immature, while those who advance in years tout patience perhaps even more than wisdom. Books, movies, quotes, parents, teachers... all indicate that this is so.

In many ways, this makes sense. Sometimes we need time to think about something before we act on it. When there is something that we desire, we occasionally have to work for it for a long time before it actually can be ours. Many instances on the surface do indeed indicate a good measure of patience is a positive thing in life.

But is there a price? I would venture to say that no other virtue carries the precarious nature of patience. Someone who is willing to be patient and wait for something is commendable, whereas one who waits too long is foolhardy. It would seem to me that a virtue cannot have too much excess, and yet unlike the others, patience seems to be so. In contrast to all else that is truly virtuous, there is a very fine like that we must walk with patience.

Of course such a fine line isn't enough to make a virtue even remotely villainous, but that was just to warm us up. The reason that patience is indeed the singular "villainous virtue" is because I think that more than anything else we hold to be good, patience ruins people's lives. Before I commence, I will admit that it could be our veneration of patience, not the virtue itself, that causes such havoc. Regardless of this fact, when viewed as a virtue, disaster can easily follow.

The reason? Simple. The fact that we hold patience in such high regard, we quite simply put up with things too long. This mindset that if we wait things out that they will improve is plain false. Occasionally, things improve. With equal chance, they get worse. Nothing about us putting up with them makes the difference. Wives put up with their worthless husbands in hopes they will change. People stay in dead-end or miserable jobs hoping something better will come along. Families put off going on the vacation of their dreams until things are "situated." There is this idea that if we are patient, everything will become clear, and the path will make its way for us.

It is for this reason above all others that people don't take action in their lives. This in turn churns our society to a near screeching halt and makes the average man miserable, and we all know that misery loves company. Fooling ourselves into this belief that time heals all and that we don't have to be acting agents in our life is foolhardy at the very least.

I mentioned that there is a time and a place for patience, but like anything that is a double-edged sword, it must be viewed as such. We should learn to use it when necessary, and discard it the rest of the time. Until we do that, this villain will continue to wreak havoc of our own making.

Southern Expedition

Though I have spent time in the "South" before, my most recent excursion was almost completely new, so I thought I would bring some of my thoughts about such geographic locations.

In general the areas in the South seem to be incredibly run-down. Though I know that there are problems with weather and money in some locations, it seems that there is a significant lack of effort that is put forth. Often times a simple coat of paint or a few hours of work would make a dramatic impact to a home or business, and yet this seems to be beyond the scope of the whole area. Mississippi is by far the worst. The only noticeable exception was Jackson, which was actually a neat small city that seemed to have some heart, though I didn't spend a great deal of time there. It is really a shame, because the land in Mississippi was really quite beautiful, and if not marred by unattractive buildings and towns, it could be really nice.

Louisiana was a little better, but again, the same lack of effort was present. The suburbs still had hurricane trash- not debris that was tough to move, but small trash- all over the place. I did like the houses in Mandeville (a New Orleans suburb) a lot though, and the view of Lake Pontchartrain was excellent. I was also impressed with the 28 mile long bridge that crosses the lake to get into New Orleans proper.

The city itself was almost exactly as I expected: a great culture with a great feel, and a lot of grime. The city was so dirty. Such a shame. The city was kind of like a mesh of San Diego and Las Vegas. It was really spread out, but had some great areas. While I wasn't surprised by Bourbon Street (it was exactly as fun/crazy/dirty as I expected) I didn't realize how close it was to the upscale urban center. It is literally around the corner. That was surprising.

I really hope that more people with a heart go in and clean that place up. Though I understand that they dealt with a terrible tragedy that takes time to recover from, there is a lot that could be done easily with a little heart. City Park, which used to be a huge attraction that was simply beautiful, is now run down. They have let the grounds get overgrown and simply haven't put the time into making it a place people want to visit. I hope that changes.

Lastly, Pensacola and the Emerald Coast. BEAUTIFUL. Pretty much, that is all that needs to be said. Pensacola Beach is in undergoing a lot of building, and I am excited to see how it plays out. I was of course very interested in the small business aspects, but I won't bore you with all the details.

In truth, I enjoyed everywhere that I went, but I was extremely disappointed in the effort put forth. I suppose that to each their own and all that, but it makes me appreciate the cities that make attempts to make the best of their situation regardless of money. Maybe what I see as flaws others see as value, but I still think that most of the time people would be happer and have more pride in what they do and where they live if they put a bit more effort into the places they lived and worked.

Beautiful Disasters

In one aspect, there are three types of people. When it comes to what people seek to experience, the first are those that seek mediocrity. The second only see disaster. Finally, there are those that search for miracles. Now I am not talking about what people imagine. Lots of people see miracles everywhere, or see only gloom and doom. Psychology has neatly classified these people already, so I won't waste my time reiterating. I am talking about what people search for in their lives, whether they realize it or not.

While I could spend more time talking about either the people who I consider to lead boring lives or the drama queens, I will instead focus upon the last group, the miracle seekers. These are the people who want the big things in their life, and won't stop till they find it. They want sweeping romance, high adventure, and astounding events to be the cornerstones of their existence. Because of this, they also have to take the biggest risks, and will see some of the greatest disatsers. Some of these will be disquised, to be revealed as beautiful disasters.

A beautiful disaster is something that looks amazing it can take your breath away, no matter what hides behind it. If you seek miracles, you will chase this incredible thing, even if it blows up in your face. There is this period in time where you have to wonder if you put the effort into something it will turn out to be beautiful, or just another disaster. Kelly Clarkson made a song that sums this up quite neatly, aptly titled, "Beautiful Disaster."

The very first time that I heard this song, it struck a chord with me because there were a lot of situations in my life that felt like what she was talking about. Of course at the time I had no idea that they would turn out to be so... well... disasterous, but in retrospect, it was always pretty clear. Sometimes I think that I want something to be so good, that I am willing to take it to the very edge, and sometimes even over it and have it blow up in my face before I will give up on it.

At some point, I started looking for disaster in anything that could be seen as a miracle, and wanted to stop looking for them altogether. I think that I almost made the mistake of avoiding the search completely. After so many times seeking the explosion behind the warmth, there is a chance that we could miss the very things that we have searched for. Listening to the song again, I am reminded that the part that should not be missed is the constant question that asks if something could be beautiful.

Seeking great things can be hard sometimes. The things that provide the greatest reward can sometimes have the greatest pain attached to them, and many times, the pain isn't even worth the imediate reward. What we must always remember is that whether we are hunting or not, miracles can come upon us, and we must not be so injured by our beutiful disasters, that we lose that very thing we want most.

"Beautiful Disaster"
Kelly Clarkson

He drowns in his dreams
An exquisite extreme I know
He's as dumb as he seems
And more heaven than a heart could hold
And if I try to save him
My whole world could cave in
It just ain't right
It just ain't right

Oh when I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

His magical myth
As strong as with I believe
A tragedy with
More damage than a soul should see
And do I try to change him
So hard not to blame him
Hold on tight
Hold on tight

Oh cuz I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

I'm longing for love and the logical
But he's only happy hysterical
I'm waiting for some kind of miracle
Waited so long
So long

He's soft to the touch
But afraid at the end he breaks
He's never enough
And still leaves more than I can take
Oh cuz I don't know
I don't know what he's after
But he's so beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster
And if I could hold on
Through the tears and the laughter
Would it be beautiful?
Or just a beautiful disaster

He's beautiful
Such a beautiful disaster

Not mine, but good. Bush

Blunt opinion the day before the election. Speak your mind, and VOTE!!! This comes from Bill Maher, and saved me from having to write anything else.

The Democrats' best slogan: "Bush lost the war"

Nov. 5, 2006 | New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it's as simple as ABC: Always Be Closing. First prize? Controlling congressional committees, with subpoena power. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize? You're fired.

The election is four days away, and I'm through dicking around with you. Here are your talking points:

1) When they say, "Democrats will raise taxes," you say, "We have to, because some asshole spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden." In just six years the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in, that's not even elementary economics, that's just called "Don't be Michael Jackson."

2) When they say, "The terrorists want the Democrats to win," you say, "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream, and nonpartisan commissions have confirmed that he's a recruiter's dream: theirs, not ours. And, he has exhausted our military without coming away with a win, the worst of both worlds." Bush inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.

3) When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeatocrat," you say, "Bush lost the war -- period." All this nonsense about "the violence is getting worse because they're trying to influence our election." No, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee's. And of course Democrats want to win, but that's impossible now that you've ethnically cleansed the place by making it unlivable, just like you did with New Orleans.

4) When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are "denigrating" the troops, you say, "You're completely full of shit." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of shit."

If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare. That's how I would feel supported.

So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're welcome." Because with a bad administration that has bad ideas, obstruction is a good thing, just as it's a good thing to obstruct a drunk from getting his car keys. I would be happy to frame the debate as a fight between the Obstructionists and the Enablers. There's your talking point: "Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor." A retarded, child emperor, but an emperor.

Democrats, you've got two days to get out there and close. It's not about slogans this time. Although when it comes to slogans, accept no other from your opponent except this one: "The Republican Party: We're Sorry."

Happily Speaking

So I normally don't do this, but I had a good day that I want to talk about, because of the impact it may have on my life and how excited I am about it. I know that it has been a while since I have written something thoughtful, but I will get back to that soon. For now, an indulgence on my personal life.

This last Thursday was a good day for me. Though I do have to admit that pretty much every day for the last three weeks has been enjoyable thanks to a certain someone, Thursday was especially delightful. Why? I got to do something that I haven't been able to do in a long time, and moreover, I may have enabled myself to do more of it in the future.

What was this event, you ask? Public speaking. I got to give a presentation at UMKC, and followed that with being a guest lecturer for a social welfare class at another local college. I loved it! It jas been a long time since I have been able to get in front of people like that outside of Boys State, and I really enjoyed it.

I have thought about trying to get more speaking in. A while back, my cousin who is a high school guidance counselor asked me to do a career day/job fair. I had a good time then, and it reminded me how much I like teaching. I also know that I love public speaking. Of course at the point I am at in my life, I am not willing to become a full-time teacher, and subing really holds no interest for me, as I would only be filling someone else's shoes. Guest lecturing- now that seems perfect. I get a chance to utilize my speaking skills, while at the same time teach. I am also able to bring my unique life experiences to bear in a way that helps people, and provides me with a unique and changing challenge.

Strangely, the same day that I was giving these two lectures/presentations and thinking again about trying to tap into this field, I met someone who accidentally fell into guest lecturing with UMKC and since that time has made that his full time job. He was excited by what I wanted to do and really wanted to connect me with the people that could use me.

Present Future

One thing that I have always had is a strong vision for the future. No matter what I am doing in my life, I see it in a large picture, with an eye towards what is coming. When life is hard or blissful, this has always been true. Some times this ability helps me get through rough times, or to create something new. I think that this was and continues to be a driving force behind the creation and direction of my company.

Another aspect of my personality- one that doesn't have such positive effects- is my impatience. I don't think that there is anything that creates more frustration for me than what I view as needless waiting. At my best I simply see a drive towards action, at my worst it creates an extreme anger that probably gets me into trouble. Regardless, neither of these traits on their own prompted my thoughts this night, but rather the effect that they have on one another.

I think that sometimes it is hard to examine various aspects of our personality, because each separate piece interacts with all the others, sometimes creating new traits. In this instance, I wonder is there is something that I do because of the combination of impatience and vision. I wonder if I create the future in the present. What I mean is this: when I see something, I often play the tape forward to how it can or will be in the future. Given my impatience, I want this vision to meet reality as soon as possible. With that, I see where there are instances where I may act as though the future is already here. The mind is an incredibly powerful thing, and sometimes without thinking about it, we can create a "slant" on reality that is not exactly the way it is. Much like having a bias, it can distort the world without us actually realizing it.

One example would include my company. One of the struggles that I have had is that in many ways I run it in the same way I plan to run it in the future, when its size is much larger. In many ways this can be positive, as it makes me try and maintain a higher level of professionality, and allows me to set in place systems that will be used as the company grows. It also made it difficult and frustrating at times, where I would try and fill positions that may not need to exist, or try and accomplish something that the company simply wasn't ready for.

Relationships can be another visible location. I have always known that I like moving things fast. Sometimes it is intentional, but really, when you look at it, I always go exactly where I feel I should be. It occurred to me that there may have been times where I could see potential in a relationship, created a vision for the future with us involved, and then without realizing it, stepped into or at least partially expected to be in that future, instead of walking towards it. It is going to be interesting to see how this realization will show up in other areas of my life, and how this knowledge will allow me to deal with the situations I create. In some ways I can see great benefit in living into the future. At the same time I know that I need to be cognisant of what I am doing so that I don't create confusion for myself or others with actions or expectations that don't apply to the present. Rather than getting ahead of myself, I need to make sure that I am not putting myself ahead of reality.

A search for frustration?

Most people spend some serious time thinking about what they look for in another person. I am certainly no different in this regard. The question is, do we know what we really look for? I mean how many times do we find someone that doesn't at all fit our "type" but we go for them anyway? Is it maybe because we can't really recognize what it is that we go for?

The other night, I was out with some friends and we were talking about "potential" people. One name in particular came up, and my friend said, "But then again, you like boys who haven't really got it all figured out yet." What? It would have been nice to dismiss this comment out of hand, but instead my ridiculously probing mind scanned through the people in my life that I have been with, and there may be some truth to that statement. A scary thought, since in many ways I feel that is something I don't want. So then I wondered, is it that I am subconsciously searching these people out, or is it that they simply seem to find me?

A great friend of mine once said that he always struggled with the idea of a relationship where both parties helped each other grow, but neither one was "the teacher." Given his personality, he is certainly going to be able to fall into the role of being a teacher quite easily. He is educated, introspective, and has a worldly view. He also likes seeing people grow, and has no problem helping them do so. Many ways, much like myself. The problem of course comes down to the fact that when it is your friends, being a teacher isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a relationship, it creates inequality. Now it may be that relationships can thrive on that inequality, but I certainly am not convinced of that. Conversely, I don't believe that you should ever be in a relationship where the two individuals didn't help one another to grow and to overcome hurdles. Grey area indeed.

So is my joy of teaching people creating a need that I didn't even recognize? It is certainly possible. I know that a lot of my friends fall into that category. I really do enjoy that people let me impact their lives, and I like doing it. When it comes to a relationship, I certainly want to do anything I can for the other, especially if it is something that they want to achieve or work through. Does this somehow relate to a need to do so? Or, if not that, is it that I draw people like that to me? That would make a lot of sense as well, since I never hold back on dispensing advice, or hide any of the things that might indicate what kind of person I am.

Another thing that happened that made me wonder if we know what we want. I spent some time with another friend of mine and he was telling me about his new interest. As he went on and on about the different aspects of this guy, I was a bit dumfounded. Not only was this guy not exactly what he traditionally liked, but point in fact, there were many things that he didn't like. Was he completely off base in what he thought he wanted and enjoyed?

Perhaps it has nothing to do with what we like or dislike, want or don't. Perhaps there is simply no rhyme or reason to who we are drawn to. But it does make you wonder, when you are playing tug of war with yourself over what you are willing to compromise in a relationship, is there any way to know, or is it always a toss of the dice?

Self Changes

How do you change something, when the power to change if the thing that you are wanting to create?

I have always held that knowledge was power. A few years ago, I met someone who has become a dear friend. He is still to this day the most introspective person I know. He made me realize that for all that I thought I searched for knowledge, I neglected the one place that I should have started first: myself. This was even more amusing to the both of us since I seemed to have such a solid grasp on other people's nature. Perhaps it was easier to see others than to face myself.

Since that time, and in large part due to his help and some unique life experiences, I began to learn a great deal about who I really am at my core, and as such have become quite introspective. While knowing the truth almost always reveals some things one would rather not see, I was still glad to know my faults as well as my strengths, and saw my life taken to a new level. I am very glad of this, but the original high of my now years-old discovery has worn off, and I have seen that there are limits and even unique frustrations to this gift of introspection.

I have noticed that several people in my life see things wrong with themselves, but seem unable to change them. I have always thought that this must be terribly frustrating. Of course, I think that sometimes part of the problem comes down to sifting through who you are, and what is excess. Who you are is who you are. All you can do is scrape away the things that aren't who you are, and come to terms with that, or cover them up. I believe that the average person does the latter, and that only the former can really make you happy, but that again comes from my belief that being ourselves is the only way to be happy.

What to do with the excess, I think can be a problem. If you take the time to see yourself for who you are, I always thought that was really the most you had to do. Simply see yourself (no small feat, mind you) and then embrace who you are. Of course, life sometimes makes this difficult by adding excess. Until recently, I thought that the excess kind of faded away if you are yourself, which is much of what happened with me. I can look back at where I saw my true self, and as such, discarded something that I was doing or being that wasn't me. Sometimes it was gradual, a few times it was dramatic (at one point, I thought I was shy, if you can imagine), but it always seemed that the challenge was just finding what was really me.

Now I realize that sometimes, that isn't all there is too it, and I feel lost. When it comes to myself, the last few years have really let me feel as though I had a handle on nearly every facet. Accepting my faults and compensating with my strength has brought me a lot of happiness, but now I see that sometimes this power isn't enough. I think that sometimes this is what my friends deal with that I haven't understood.

This entry has gone on for quite some time. Suffice to say, I am dealing now with knowing that there is an "excess" upon me that is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I know this, and for the first time, I have no idea how to get back to simply being me.

Lessons on inspiration, defeat, and pick-me-ups

So the last two days have been... well, to put it suscinctly: Hell. I found out a bit of news that I never needed to hear, and I faced several of what I can only call defeats. On top of that, a million small things, all seemed to go wrong, right when I would think there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Though I won't go into the details, I will say that all that has happened has put a serious damper on most areas of my life right now. This is not to say that I did not learn from what has happened. In fact, as I reflected tonight during my drive to Columbia, I may have indeed discovered quite a few things about myself that had heretofore been hidden.

Perhaps the most surprising to me was my reaction to my "defeats." Knowing what I do about myself and my ego, I would have assumed, as I am would most that know me, that I would be stung by defeat simply because it was a loss. Surprisingly enough, this was not at all the case. Though I do indeed enjoy winning, I did not feel bitter over defeat for its own sake. That is not to say that there were not negative emotions. What I realized that startled me no little bit was that the defeat mattered very little to me, but my concern was only for what I saw was the price I paid. Some might not see the difference, or would assume that there would be pain at the tangible price paid for a defeat or a loss, but to someone who puts a high price on winning, I was honestly taken aback at my own reactions.

Perhaps a good illustration of what I am talking about would be from the past, or even a story. Imagine a general on the field of battle. After an army is defeated, there is often talk about the shame of defeat. Even in a simple brawl, it is often the loss itself, not the bruises gained that make the most dramatic effect. This is clearly what I expected. I expected to feel a sense of loss for the price I paid, but I would have anticipated it to pale in comparison for the sting of the defeat on principal. This was even moreso due to the fact that I know how important my abilities and my victories are to me.

Something else that I spent a lot of time thinking about was why no one can ever cheer me up when they try. With the gravity of some of the things I am dealing with, those I shared even a portion with did their best to make me feel better. Though I haven't thought about it a lot, their failed attempts are something I often felt. Very rarely, if ever, has anyone who attempted to make me feel better actually done so. I know that it isn't normally for a lack of trying or sincerity on their part, though that can certainly be the case. As I reflected on it for a long time, I realized that the source of my depression (not in the continual sense, but rather a temporary state) is almost always evident not in an additional pain, but rather in the loss of what is normally there. I am not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I am beginning to see a clearer picture of my own "down times."

I have had several family members and some close friends who have dealt with, or currently deal with a lot of depression. Listening to them has given me a certain understanding of what at least some people go through. Often there is the addition of despairing thoughts, hopelessness, etc. That explains why trying to soothe someone with uplifting thoughts, and instilling hope and confidence are people's normal reactions. Often times, these overtures do a great deal for a person. Why not in my case?

I think the answer is in that what I need when I am down is not emotional support, or pick-me-ups, but inspiration. In my life, the greatest source of my energy and love of life comes from my vision and ambition. These are fueled by inspiration. When things go wrong in my life, the times that I have recovered most effectively is when I am inspired. Once I was very down before heading to Boys State. It didn't take long before I was energized and alive, because by its very nature, that program is inspiring to me. I think back to all the times where it was a struggle to feel better, no matter what efforts my friends or family made, and I realize that while there may have been a lot of energy in trying to soothe painful emotions, what I really needed was lacking, which was a kickstart to my own positive emotions.

I certainly do not feel good about the way things have gone, or what I am going through, and I haven't moved beyond the darkness I feel, but on an intellectual level, I appreciate the insight I have gained in this time, and look forward to examining it further.

Imagined Affection

Last night I went and saw The Night Listener with a good friend of mine (which, as an aside, was really nice as she and I have not seen each other much lately, and I had almost forgotten how much fun we had. Scary to believe, but she is more like me than anyone I have ever met). The movie was good, though a bit weird, but definitely one I would recommend to those who enjoy thoughtful movies. It even had some good humor thrown in. I won't go into the details, as doing so would definitely detract from the tale, but there is one line that really stuck out to me. Robin Williams is talking with a friend when he asks, "How can you miss someone that never existed?"

For whatever reason initially, that line stuck with me and I realized how many facets of life that can come into play. Think about when you meet someone and get to know them. Your affection for them is set one way or another based upon what you see in them. What happens when this turns out not to be truly who they are? Think of the relationships where people say they have fallen in love with a lie. What they realize is that it is not the person that they truly fell in love with, but rather who they thought that person to be. When the truth is discovered, the one in love is often devastated even though in truth the object of their affection never existed.

If you want an easier example that is perhaps more universal, consider a good novel or movie. If it is truly good, you develop feelings for the characters. You are elated when the "bad guy" is defeated, or crushed when a loveable person dies. Why? In the abstract it is easy to think that our feelings are attached to people, but in fact they seem to be only attached to thoughts, imaginings even. When reading a book you aren't even given expression or a face to attach your feelings to, only a thought. How then, can they be so powerful?

On a baser level one has to wonder whether the feelings created in any of these instances are only replications of our feelings for real things, or are they in fact the same things we always attach feelings to: an image in our mind? Answering these questions would not only provide an abstract insight into people as a whole, but could be incredibly powerful in answering a vital question that every person faces: How much can we control our feelings? Some would say that we have total control while others advise that we have none. If we are only replicating our feelings, then perhaps the latter can be true, but if feelings are really only attached to our thoughts, then the potential for our control could be great indeed.

Harry and Sally vs. Romeo & Juliet

Let me first hope that this time when I write this my computer won't crash on me. I was all down to the pictures... Hopefully I will be able to do the first post justice.

Romeo and Juliet has been heralded as one of- if not the- greatest love stories of all time. Their epic love is noticeable from the first moments they meet, and in any production adequately produced, you can't help but feel the power of their attachment. Even if they do not recognize it at first, the connection between the two is almost visible. As they come to grips with what they feel, the realize that they are in the grips of incredible passion. Love at first sight at it's greatest. In fact, their story is the quintessential example of such a powerful love.

As with everything, for it to exist, there must be something to compare it to. I think a great example of that is the love story in When Harry Met Sally. Those who have seen the film know that the story follows the two from their first meeting (where they decide they don't really like one another) all the way to twelve years and three months later, when they finally pronounce their love and marry. In between this they become fast friends, and it is only after a long while they realize the love that they have developed for one another. Some would call their love "learned love."

Given these two possibilities of falling in love, you have to ask two questions: 1. Which of the two is more desirable, and perhaps first 2. Which, if either, actually is possible?

When thinking about the second question, I was presented an interesting thought by a friend of mine. It was in one of those surveys that goes around e-mail and MySpace asking you all sorts of things. One of the questions was "Do you believe in love at first sight?" His response was, "No. Lust at first sight yes, but love is something that only develops over time." Interesting thought.

At first, my hopelessly romantic self instantly rebelled at this statement, but then I began to think about it and talk to other people about it and see what truth there might be behind those words. Can you fall hard and fast for someone? Can you look at them and know that you love them? Can a short period of time bring a lifetime's worth of love?

With the first in doubt, we must look at the alternative. Many would say that people who fall in love over time are actually always in love, it just takes them time to realize or come to grips with their feelings. Given the judgmental nature of people, and the mysterious "chemistry" this seems plausible. Of course, many friendships form over time, and perhaps love can follow suit.

Denying feelings is also a powerful thing. Harry and Sally as well as Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice exhibit hatred towards one another in their first meeting. Since I certainly subscribe to the belief that indifference, not hate is the opposite of love, it can easily be seen that hate can mask the other powerful feeling of love, either intentionally or not.

Lets assume for now that both scenarios are completely possible, and you can chose between them. Which is better?

Love at first sight certainly has more risks. Making a judgement that quick can turn out to be blind to many things. Without having time to get to know whether you and your interest are compatible, you can become emotionally attached without there being much chance of working out. Also, if the other person doesn't fall in line so quickly, you are more likely to get hurt. The pain of loss is always hard, and when you fall fast for someone it makes the pain more likely, and more acute.

Of course, taking your time can present problems as well. The first is the time that it takes. Most people become more inclined towards a family the older they get. Women especially feel this with their "biological clock," lending to the possibility that you might settle for less than the one you could really love because of your desire to have that family. Also, there is a great risk for damaging a good friendship. Many people have a hard time making that transition, and if one wants to and the other doesn't, you feel both the pain of unrequited love, and the strain or breaking of your friendship. That can be painful indeed.

Though it is fun to examine this as an intellectual exercise, I certainly have emotional and spiritual beliefs. At this point in my life, I can say that I can't imagine anything other than love at first sight. This is not to say that everything works out right away, as life can tend to make things difficult at times. What I don't think is possible is for me not to feel strongly for someone when I meet them, and later grow into it. I have often been said to fall hard and fast, and it's true. For a while I thought that I might have been elevating my feelings to some ideal that I couldn't actually achieve, but recently I have affirmed to myself that I really can feel the connections with those I love early. Though I can indeed "lust" after people early, the difference in that first glance can be felt in my soul. Sometimes it is hard to tell them apart, but looking back, I can see the difference. The feelings I have for the people in my life I have loved have all been fast and powerful. Even when circumstances keep us apart, I know my feelings to be true.

Though sometimes I would long for the comfort of learning to love someone, and the power of that love coming out of nowhere and taking me by surprise, I know that such a relationship would never be as true as one where I felt that pull right from the beginning. Though this philosophy leaves me open to be burned, as I have been burned in the past, it is something that I know is part of who I am. Perhaps the world is made up of Romeo and Juliets as well as Harry and Sallys. If it is, I know that I am indeed a Romeo, and that my love will be fast and powerful, even if it hurts. I know that I will find someone that embraces this, and that will bring me a truer form of happiness.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

Sex. Sex. Sex.

So here is a good question: How much does sex mean to a relationship? I mean I know that sex certainly isn't everything, but to say that it isn't something seems quite ridiculous.

One of the questions that people ask a lot, and certainly one of the ones that I ponder quite often is: Can a person be perfectly compatible with another? I would like to think so, but I am not really willing to exclude anyone who doesn't exactly fit the bill from the potential dating pool. So if you assume that you should strive for that perfect connection, while allowing for some concessions on the road to finding happiness, where does sex fall?

Is it something as unimportant as them not liking Italian food? I hardly think so. But then again is it as important as them having the same goals in life as you? Hmmm. To complicate the issue even further, there isn't really a yes or no question with sex. Do you like it? Well, one would hope so. But it really extends far beyond that. Sexual compatibility has so many factors in it. Does it matter if it is just OK? What if so much about that person seems perfect, but the sex is OK? Or what if it is bad? And of course this takes into account that either is only in relation to you. For example, to me, kissing is important. If it isn't to them, that could be a problem. Moreover, if they are a tentative and peckish kisser, I am not going to like it as much. To others, this is perfection. Much the same as any other preference.

Part of how you have to look at this is how you are going to view sex. If you look at it for the enjoyment sake, on one hand you want it to be good, but at the same time are probably more likely to be able to overlook the fact that the love of your life doesn't give you better sex than you could provide on your own. You can still have fun. Of course if sex to you is love, then what exactly does it mean when you can't connect with the person you are with on that level?

This works in reverse as well. What if the sex is great? Lets take it a step further and say that you are madly in love with them, the sex is perfect, but your brain keeps saying no. Body and Heart vs. Brain. Hmmm.

Maybe that is why sex is so confusing. Your head is logical and preferential. Your heart is something you can't control at all. What your body feels is sort of a middle ground. It is like a third aspect that when evaluating a relationship we often completely overlook despite how much of a part of our life it is. Consider also that when referring to sex in this light, it can be the way you feel when your hands touch. While it is sexual pleasure, the impacts to your heart and mind are much deeper. With all this impact, how can it not be important?

As with much of this search for love, I haven't found the answers yet, but that won't keep me from searching, or from sharing these searches with you. More to come on this, I am sure.

Moral Values

I hate hypocrasy. I think that is one of my main beefs with the average Christian. Apparently, others can feel the same. And you know, for once, I don't think I could have said it better myself:

What Are Moral Values?
by Rev. Dr. Robin Meyers
Mayflower Church, Oklahoma City

Updated August 10, 2005


As some of you know, I am minister of Mayflower Congregational Church in Oklahoma City, a church in northwest Oklahoma City, and professor of Rhetoric at Oklahoma City University. But you would most likely have encountered me on the pages of the Oklahoma Gazette, where I have been a columnist for six years, and hold the record for the most number of angry letters to the editor.

Tonight, I join ranks of those who are angry, because I have watched as the faith I love has been taken over by those who claim to speak for Jesus, but whose actions are anything but Christian.

We've heard a lot lately about so-called "moral values" as having swung the election to President Bush. Well, I'm a great believer in moral values, but we need to have a discussion, all over this country, about exactly what constitutes a moral value -- I mean what are we talking about? Because we don't get to make them up as we go along, especially not if we are people of faith. We have an inherited tradition of what is right and wrong, and moral is as moral does. Let me give you just a few of the reasons why I take issue with those in power who claim moral values are on their side:

When you start a war on false pretenses, and then act as if your deceptions are justified because you are doing God's will, and that your critics are either unpatriotic or lacking in faith, there are some of us who have given our lives to teaching and preaching the faith who believe that this is not only not moral, but immoral.

When you live in a country that has established international rules for waging a just war, build the United Nations on your own soil to enforce them, and then arrogantly break the very rules you set down for the rest of the world, you are doing something immoral.

When you claim that Jesus is the Lord of your life, and yet fail to acknowledge that your policies ignore his essential teaching, or turn them on their head (you know, Sermon on the Mount stuff like that we must never return violence for violence and that those who live by the sword will die by the sword), you are doing something immoral.

When you act as if the lives of Iraqi civilians are not as important as the lives of American soldiers, and refuse to even count them, you are doing something immoral.

When you find a way to avoid combat in Vietnam, and then question the patriotism of someone who volunteered to fight, and came home a hero, you are doing something immoral.

When you ignore the fundamental teachings of the gospel, which says that the way the strong treat the weak is the ultimate ethical test, by giving tax breaks to the wealthiest among us so the strong will get stronger and the weak will get weaker, you are doing something immoral.

When you wink at the torture of prisoners, and deprive so-called "enemy combatants" of the rules of the Geneva Conventions, which your own country helped to establish and insists that other countries follow, you are doing something immoral.

When you claim that the world can be divided up into the good guys and the evil doers, slice up your own nation into those who are with you, or with the terrorists -- and then launch a war which enriches your own friends and seizes control of the oil to which we are addicted, instead of helping us to kick the habit, you are doing something immoral.

When you fail to veto a single spending bill, but ask us to pay for a war with no exit strategy and no end in sight, creating an enormous deficit that hangs like a great millstone around the necks of our children, you are doing something immoral.

When you cause most of the rest of the world to hate a country that was once the most loved country in the world, and act like it doesn't matter what others think of us, only what God thinks of you, you have done something immoral.

When you use hatred of homosexuals as a wedge issue to turn out record numbers of evangelical voters, and use the Constitution as a tool of discrimination, you are doing something immoral.

When you favor the death penalty, and yet claim to be a follower of Jesus, who said an eye for an eye was the old way, not the way of the kingdom, you are doing something immoral.

When you dismantle countless environmental laws designed to protect the earth which is God's gift to us all, so that the corporations that bought you and paid for your favors will make higher profits while our children breathe dirty air and live in a toxic world, you have done something immoral. The earth belongs to the Lord, not Halliburton.

When you claim that our God is bigger than their God, and that our killing is righteous, while theirs is evil, we have begun to resemble the enemy we claim to be fighting, and that is immoral. We have met the enemy, and the enemy is us.

When you tell people that you intend to run and govern as a "compassionate conservative," using the word which is the essence of all religious faith -- compassion, and then show no compassion for anyone who disagrees with you, and no patience with those who cry to you for help, you are doing something immoral.

When you talk about Jesus constantly, who was a healer of the sick, but do nothing to make sure that anyone who is sick can go to see a doctor, even if she doesn't have a penny in her pocket, you are doing something immoral.

When you put judges on the bench who are racist, and will set women back a hundred years, and when you surround yourself with preachers who say gays ought to be killed, you are doing something immoral.

I'm tired of people thinking that because I'm a Christian, I must be a supporter of President Bush, or that because I favor civil rights and gay rights I must not be a person of faith. I'm tired of people saying that I can't support the troops but oppose the war.

I heard that when I was your age, when the Vietnam war was raging. We knew that that war was wrong, and you know that this war is wrong -- the only question is how many people are going to die before these make-believe Christians are removed from power?

This country is bankrupt. The war is morally bankrupt. The claim of this administration to be Christian is bankrupt. And the only people who can turn things around are people like you--young people who are just beginning to wake up t to what is happening to them. It's your country to take back. It's your faith to take back. It's your future to take back.

Don't be afraid to speak out. Don't back down when your friends begin to tell you that the cause is righteous and that the flag should be wrapped around the cross, while the rest of us keep our mouths shut. Real Christians take chances for peace. So do real Jews, and real Muslims, and real Hindus, and real Buddhists--so do all the faith traditions of the world at their heart believe one thing: life is precious. Every human being is precious. Arrogance is the opposite of faith. Greed is the opposite of charity. And believing that one has never made a mistake is the mark of a deluded man, not a man of faith. And war -- war is the greatest failure of the human race -- and thus the greatest failure of faith.

There's an old rock and roll song, whose lyrics say it all: War, what is it good for? absolutely nothing. And what is the dream of the prophets? That we should study war no more, that we should beat our swords into plowshares and our spears into pruning hooks. Who would Jesus bomb, indeed?

How many wars does it take to know that too many people have died? What if they gave a war and nobody came? Maybe one day we will find out.

Time to march again my friends. Time to commit acts of civil disobedience. Time to sing, and to pray, and refuse to participate in the madness.

http://www.mayflowerucc.org/

Oh the Thin Lines!

am of the opinion that "it's a fine line" should be removed as a phrase from our lives. Why? Well because it applies to EVERYTHING!

Why is it that everything is a shade of gray? Why are there not things that are just inherently good? Or for that matter inherently bad? Everything is a judgement call, and to people like myself, who are seekers of truth, that is just downright exasperating. Oh, now I know what you say, that there are SOME things that are indeed absolute, at least on the good-bad scale. I beg to differ.

Faith? Good... unless it becomes zealotry.
Caring? Good... unless it's smothering.
Intellect? Good... unless it takes you away from possibility.
Hatred? Bad... unless it helps you fight the good fight.
Lying? Bad... unless it saves someone to do so.

So many things that are ambiguous and up to interpretation. Moderation seems the key, and yet there are people such as myself that say with moderation comes mediocrity, and that there is no forward motion in the world. I agree that in extremes good things can become bad, but I almost wonder if they don't become something else in that process.

Some people might disagree with some or all the assumptions I made above. And the truth is, even the greatest philosophers of all time have never agreed that there is a moral truth to anything. Even in what are considered things set in stone, man's mind interprets. Let 10 people read the Bible, and they will tell you it means 10 different things.

I am not a scientist, but I love the clean truth that lies in it. It amuses me that math is my least favorite subject, and yet it seems that it is the only aspect of life which I can truly find the truth that I look for always. Math only becomes more complex and understood, it never changes. 2+2 ALWAYS = 4. No one ever changes it. Our understanding may change, and new methods may be found, but it is TRUE. Nothing else seems to be that way. Why on Earth would anyone like me be born with a desire to seek truth?

Well, that was a fun rant. Perhaps next time something more substantive.

Mind Over the Perception of the Human Heart

The mind is indeed an amazing thing. With the right frame of mind, people can accomplish things that would otherwise be impossible or endure hardships that should break a man. There is one thing that the mind has an incredible time overcoming: The Human Heart.

The heart seems to be one of the forces able to tear down all of our defenses and break through any control our mind is able to place on our world. You can overcome a lot with your mind, but when it comes to the affairs of the heart, even those who are a master of "mind over matter" can find themselves completely ill equipped for dealing with the power of the heart.

There is another force that makes the heart and mind particularly difficult to reconcile and control: Perception. Wow. That is an amazing thing. I have often said that one person's worst day is just as bad in their mind as anyone else, no matter what their relative problems may be. Someone who has never starved scientifically feels the same way after a single day without food that someone who is constantly starving feels after missing a week. To an outsider, they seem nothing alike, but to the human mind, which can only comprehend what it perceives, they are the same.

Moving to a more obnoxious example, is when you are presented with something that you didn't have, and then you lose it. Take when you are a kid, and you think that you are going to get this special toy for Christmas. When the day comes, you realize that you did not receive what you thought you had. Now logically, you can see that there was nothing actually lost to you. Your heart however doesn't feel this way and you feel loss that at such an early age may seem incredible. The same thing holds true throughout our lives. Say you meet someone and you think that you hit it off well. You think that there is potential there. Perhaps you even agree to another date. Later that date is canceled, and there is no further progress made with that person. Technically you really didn't lose anything. You didn't have a relationship, or even a date before, but that doesn't keep you from getting upset, and depending upon the strength of your affection, it doesn't keep you from getting really hurt. In your heart and mind, you perceived that you had gained something, and feel the resulting loss. Aggravating indeed.

I like to, and traditionally do, have a great outlook on life. It frustrates me when I can logically see the reason that I shouldn't feel some specific way, but can't seem to shut off the feelings that I don't want. Maybe I am just not yet a master of the craft. Or perhaps the stronger you are as a person the stronger your heart becomes as well, and so there really is no way to ultimately win. Eh, food for thought.

Your -ness Factor

Tonight I saw You, Me and Dupree. I know, a comedy. It was indeed funny, but that isn't what I am writing about. In the movie, Owen Wilson's character (Dupree) keeps talking to his friend (Carl) about his "Carlness." He explains that it is that part of him that won't back down and makes him the person he is. At the end of the movie, he is talking to many people, asking them what their name is, and asking what their -ness is. "It's just your name with "ness" at the end of it. It's who you are.

What a great idea. This simple thing speaks quite succinctly to what I fervently believe: that you should be the best version of yourself possible. How do you do that? Now I think I can easily say that you should find your inner -ness. Each person has that thing that makes them who they are. Deep down, what is the highest form of your own essence? What is your inner -ness?

I certainly am excited to carry this thought forward and see how far it takes me.

To Motivate the Motivator

I spend a lot of my life motivating and inspiring people. I like to think that I am good at it, but regardless, I have to do it all the time. In every aspect of my work, Boys State, my political work, and even with my friends, I am the guy that gets others to do things. Whether by chance to design, that is pretty much a central thing to my life. I also have a lot of energy and passion for what I do, which seems to help me out a lot when it comes to getting things done, and getting others to do them.

So here's the dilemma: What do you do when you are the motivator, but you have lost your motivation.

I am not sure exactly what the reasoning behind it is, but I have lost a great deal of my ever-present motivation and energy. I think I really started to notice when I got back from Boys State. I was extremely motivated there, and I realized going back to the rest of my life that somehow I had lost that feeling in my everyday life.

This is not good. With my job and the organizations, etc. that I am involved in, everything is based upon me wanting to do it. As the boss of a company, if I am not motivated to make positive forward motion, the company won't. As a leader in organizations, if I am not being innovative and inspirational, the organizations will flounder. But how can you motivate yourself?

It seems funny to me that someone who has such an easy time finding what will bring the best out in others can be so inept at doing it to myself. I have tried looking at a lot of different angles, but I can't seem to find the source... something I think would be vital in solving this problem. I have faced a lot of setbacks in the last few years, but I don't think that is it. It certainly isn't that I don't like what I want to motivate myself to do. It is kind of like motivating myself to work out. I LOVE the way I feel when I work out. I like doing it. Why then is it so hard to bring myself to do something that I actually like doing. It is the same with my company. I love what I do. It makes me happy. Why then has the inspiration and motivation left me? More importantly, how can I get it back?

There is really only one thing that I may be able to work on, and that is the fact that I feel many of the people that inspire me are not in my life as much any more. Maybe their influence on me is more important than I realized. There are three in particular that I know I miss, and maybe I miss their influence on me more than I was aware of. Christopher moving and going to school has left a huge philosophical gap in my life. Brock was always good at firing me up about so many things, and Chris had a similar ability. With two of these far away and another busy building a life, we do not have the same interactions, and I think that might be taking its toll.

I do notice that a lot of people I associate with, may not bring me to the level that I like to play at. Maybe its time that I start going back to those who bring out the best in me. It's funny. I give that advice to people all the time. Maybe I should take a dose of my own medicine.

I also wonder if I have been stagnant for too long. Sitting in one place and not accomplishing something isn't something I do often, or that I enjoy. Maybe there is a place (or many places) in my life that I need a change. Something that I don't even realize is having a major impact on me. Hmmm... more avenues to persue.

Of course, there could be a lot more to this, but I think this might be a good place to start. I am sure that the results of this issue will continue to be the subject of my thoughts, and therefore my writing, but I thank you for listening while I work through this.

Something Different

I have never done this on here, but I was experimenting with a new form of poetry (well, new to me anyway) called a Pantoum. I really like the style. It is unique and yet challenging. Every other line must rhyme, and as you can tell, each verse must contain the second and last line from the one before. You then have to end the poem with the first line of the poem. As I wrote thoughts and feelings came through, and since this is what I normally put on here, I suppose it can just be considered a new form for the entry. This is the first rough draft, and it is as yet untitled:

A casual glance turned lingering gaze,

from simple touch to terrifying heights,

the resulting emotion a powerful haze.

Fondly remember the heated nights.

From simple touch to terrifying heights,

the smile brought endless joy.

Fondly remember the heated nights,

as you venture without your boy.

The smile brought endless joy,

while thoughts of terror haunted eyes.

As venture without your boy,

know he give you more than money buys.

While thoughts of terror haunted eyes,

words of caring filled the car.

Know he gives you more than money buys,

as you think of him from afar.

Words of caring filled the car,

the resulting emotion a powerful haze,

As you think of him from afar:

a casual glance turned lingering gaze.

Distractions vs. Disappearance

Tonight I had an epiphany about my relationship to distractions. I have always been willing to "move the world"- as I put it- for something I care about. I have been called ambitious and driven by most everyone I know. I think about this as I hear stories, or even see movies where the people who normally match these descriptions and wonder how I relate to them. Often you see these people losing one thing that is "important to them" in favor of another. The typical symbol of this tie is the interruptive cell phone. Am I really that kind of person? There are times that I think my phone rings off the hook, and I fall head-long into that trap, but most of the time this doesn't seem to be the case. In The Devil Wears Prada there is a line that I think might apply. "The person whose calls you answer, that is who you are in a relationship with... I hope you are happy together."

How many times do we see or hear about the person who is "married to their work"? I certainly love my work, and feel no need to remove it from areas of my life. I consider my career as a part of me, as much- if different- as my friends, my philanthropic work, my family, and my activism. Each plays an important role in my life. Am I hooked on one more than another? Do I give up part of my life for another? If so, is it too much? These are all questions that I have asked myself for a long time, but I may know how I feel that I have a unique balance between the aspects of my life. Right or wrong, this is my discovery:

The flippant statement that I mentioned at the beginning about moving the world really is more true then I ever realized. I am willing to put nearly everything on hold for what is important, and I do more than I was aware of. This weekend is a perfect example. For many reasons that I won't go into at the moment, I felt I needed to be somewhere. I completely changed all of my plans, passed over some opportunities, etc. so that I could do what I felt needed to be done. Some of this was obvious. Today I realized the depths to which I go. If something is capturing my attention, I turn off all else. I don't take my cell phone with me, I cut myself off. Rather than be distracted, I chose to disappear.

The most obvious and hyperbolized example of this is Boys State. Clearly one of the most important things that I do, there are times when it consumes everything. For nearly two weeks every year, I don't answer my cell phone, I only make cursory checks of my e-mail, etc. A few years ago when my company was new, I tried to do it a little differently. I tried to keep up with both work and Boys State at the same time. While I feel like I did what I needed to, I could feel a dramatic difference. I have never tried to do that again.

This method of focusing on what's important really makes a lot of sense to me. I am a passionate, and fiery person. I also value the diversity in my life, and keep a lot of things going on at once. I like change. New things can sometimes draw my attention in a way that is almost A.D.D. How does all this mix? Like a fire that catches gasoline, all energy goes into the inferno before the fire calms down and looks for a new focus. I do exactly that. I give all my focus to what interests, and what is important to me. I think I have done this all my life, and if anything do it moreso now than ever before. This I know.

What I have yet to figure out is whether this is good or bad. On one hand, it can be really bad to those that people and things that are on the outside when I am focusing on something. I certainly know many people who have in one way or another been frustrated by my... flexibility. On the flip side, what would it mean to what is important to me if I were to change? When I have my friend crying on my shoulder and ignore my cell phone, how can that be wrong? How many times have we heard "give it your all"? That is often the only time that things really get done. Is that the right cost? Would it be better to chose with every ring of the cell phone? At this point I don't know. I bet some people will chose the traditional easy answer of "it depends." Really though, it doesn't. The way you are with what's important to you should be across the board. If not, something isn't really important.

For now, I am content with the knowledge of my reactions, and the questions it will now raise in me. As for the people and things in my life, for now they will have to be content with receiving all of my energy at times, and none at others. For good or ill, it's who I am.

Ever Evolving Communication

I was in Jefferson City for work yesterday, and since I was staying with Ben and it was Thursday night (the night to go out in Columbia) I decided I would hit the club. I had a great time, and it was nice to see a lot of people that I hadn't seen in a while. I also met several new people, which is where the theme for this entry comes up. After meeting someone, there is normally an exchange of personal information so that you can keep in contact. Phone numbers, and even e-mails are common asks that I have received. Last night however, I had a number of the people I met as not for either of these traditional methods, but instead, if I used MySpace. Now since one of the copies of this journal is on MySpace, of course the answer is yes, but that question really made me step back and look at what MySpace and sites like it have done to communication.

Personally I think that the "connection sites" (i.e. MySpace, Connexion, Facebook, etc.) have made some major changes to the way we talk to each other and how easy it is for people to connect. Through the use of bulletins, you are able to send information to all of your friends at once, without actually having to make sure you tell everyone. Sites with blogs take this to the next level, sharing more in depth stories and thoughts with any of your friends that want to listen. I find myself fascinated by friends I had in high school, and how different, and amazing they are today. I can think of two friends in particular, who through MySpace have made a huge change in the way I view them. Not that I didn't like them before, I just realized that time and distance have made it so we really didn't know each other any more, and these sites have changed that. I really like that.

When I thought about the people that I met last night, in many ways asking for MySpace or a similar site is brilliant, because it lets you learn even more about them right off the back. I mean on my site for example, you can learn what I think my personality is, who my friends are, my book, movie, and music tastes, and if you are daring enough to read my blog, you can really learn much of my philosophies about life. A good source of information indeed.

Of course the sites also allow people to meet one another through better channels. My favorite site for this is Connexion.org . Through that site, when you click on someone, you can see how (if at all) you are linked to that person in a 7 degrees of Kevin Bacon sort of way. If I am looking at someone who is in a group I belong to (normally these groups are interest or profession based) and then on top of the initial commonality we share I realize that they are friends with some of my friends, that connection becomes stronger, and you are no longer looking at a complete stranger, but someone whom you might actually be able to create a good friendship with. That is impressive to me.

I may actually hit on this more at some point, but I was just drawn into how communication is ever evolving, and how if used right it can make a great many positive impacts in our lives. To show both some of my thoughts on that, and how things are changing in a short time, I am going to follow this entry up with an essay I wrote for one of my classes. Two years ago I took a Harvard class called "Internet, Technology, and the Policies of Control." I really enjoyed it. We talked about the changes in the world, and what that meant for privacy, business, and humans in general. One of the topics I focused in on was communication, and thus I wrote this essay: **Note, it is a 7 page essay

This artificial world is a lot more polite than the real world.

I heard these words the other day as I played an online game called Final Fantasy XI. For some reason, it stuck with me, and I realized that our methods of communication have changed a great deal in recent year, and our interpersonal relationships have been greatly affected as well. People are meeting and conversing in ways never before thought possible, and it has drastically changed our interactions with other people.

Many people who precede my generation would say that the level of communication that we have now is inferior to that of the past. Instant messages and 2 minute cell phone conversations cannot compare, some would say, with the depth of a written letter for example. It has been discussed that as our technology has advanced, our interpersonal skills and interpersonal relationships have suffered greatly.

I have never prescribed to this belief, and yet as a man of curiosity, I was forced to examine what has actually happened to communication with the advent of the internet. Have we truly lessened ourselves as people with the increase of convenience? Have we become a people who lack substance and depth? Have we lost the ability to truly communicate on a deep and meaningful level? I would contend that this is not the case and instead, our communication has simply changed, and like all shifts in society requires some getting used to and a certain amount of adjustment.

There have been three major areas in which the internet has altered our communication: through automation, time, and connectability. While these are all linked, they each impact some or all of our lives in different ways. I believe that by adapting to these new changes, we as a society can continue to grow, even in the realm of communication.

First and foremost is the automation that has permeated society. Many tasks which historically have required another person are now able to be done online, by ourselves. No longer do we have to visit the bank or even call and speak to a teller in order to gain information and make transactions with our accounts. Technical support for many of our appliances and computer software can now be found online. Even household tasks like shopping can now be done at home, in front of a computer. Like so many other advances in technology, this automation has come as a result of our yearning for convenience, yet it retrospect, it seems we may have lost something greater as a result.

While most would not consider it a vital part of our lives, the relationships that we form in small doses can have a big impact on our day. Most people would admit that getting a smile from your gas attendant or local cashier use your name when talking to you brightens your day a little bit. Its natural; humans are social animals. So what do we do with this void now that we no longer have to go inside to pay for our gas thanks to internet based credit card processing? And what have we lost by not coming face to face with the people who handle our business?

What about time? Many who feel that our communication has suffered over time point to the amount of time that we spend talking to another person as one of our greatest problems. No longer must a long letter be written, or even a long, meaningful phone conversation be had. Instead, we have instant messaging, 3 sentence e-mails, and of course the newest, text messaging on our cell phones. To test this idea, I looked over the e-mails I received in a week. Excluding forwards, a good 85% of them were indeed less than 3 lines long, more a note than anything else. Random selections of friends and relatives proved much the same. Text messages by their very nature are short and to the point, else they have no use, and instant messaging hardly seems comparable to any other form of communication. There is limited interaction. You cannot hear their voice, see their face, etc. The time and attention that we seem to give one another in our conversations seems to have greatly diminished.

The internet has also increased the number of things that people can do together from greater distances, without ever leaving their homes. Many have praised this as a great accomplishment of the internet, while others point to the negative sides: people spending more time secluded in their homes, in front of a computer as opposed to spending their time with face-to-face interaction with other people. Younger members of our society have probably seen the biggest impacts of this technology through video games. Inviting a bunch of people over to play Nintendo is no longer a necessity when each of you can fire up your computer or game consul, plug into the internet and connect with your friends right from your own home.

All age groups have been able to see this to a certain degree beyond those that I already mentioned through chat rooms. People of similar interests can access a place in cyberspace and discuss whatever they like. No need to go into town as part of an organization to converse with people who share your interests, just pop online with instant access, any time night or day- of course without the personal contact that most psychologists claim that we need.

So, is it worth it? Are all the advances we have made adding to our society, or taking away from vital social interactions? The answer is two-fold. Society is benefiting from our technological advancements, but without a certain amount of adjustment we as a society could suffer. More than ever, technology is racing ahead, and many are being left behind. Advancements are being made faster than our culture can adapt, and therein lies the risk.

So what can we do to maximize the benefits and negate the disadvantages of our technology? Automation needs the smallest amount of adjustment. In fact, from my perspective, if used right, it takes all the negativity out of a lot of tasks, and lets people enjoy some of the things we are required to do in our lives. Ordering a rare toy online negates the Christmas negativity where moms and dads stand in line screaming at one another over who gets to take the last Tickle Me Elmo out of the store. In fact, there has been a decrease in angry shoppers in general over the last few years. At least part of this is based upon the fact that internet ordering has become more popular. When I go to the mall now, its more like when I was a teenager, a social event where you idly walk through stores, seeing people that you know from around town, and generally having a good time. Beyond that, the fact that you are actually going out for something adds an additional element, and often time, to it.

The time issue takes a little more work on our part. But first I think that we must look at the overall benefits that the new technology provides. While many of my friends may only drop a 2 line e-mail simply to say hello, it still shows that they care. The text message that took a minute to type shows importance, and even if it is only for a moment, it reconnects people quickly and easily. Instant messaging also improves the ability to maintain relationships over time and distance. When I moved back to Missouri after my time at Harvard, I was able to maintain constant contact with many of the people that I met there through instant messaging far better than I could have if I had to write them letters and wait for the response. The simple fact of how much time has passed between mailed letters makes it difficult to maintain the same level of intimacy that you can have if you check in with them every couple of days over IM to let them know whats been going on in my life. Remember also, that day-to-day friendships are maintained in person by the small tidbits of life that we share with one another. This new technology allows people to share these details of their life with one another almost instantly

Given all of these positives, there are still things that we can do better. One of my dearest friends, moved away a few months back and life has simply not been the same. He was the kind of guy that would spend hours with me at the local coffee shop discussing politics, philosophy, love, and life. When he moved away, it was incredibly difficult to maintain our intense relationship. With his strong liberal arts communications education, he commented on this just the other day, and I think he very clearly sums up the issues with e-mail, and some things we can do to improve them.

He said that it was important to maintain and improve communication in e-mails, especially with regards to discussion. He said to me, I quote your words to show that I read your e-mail carefully and want to respond to specific points. While this specific advice may or may not work for everyone, it certainly points out the major flaw in the way we communicate over e-mail. Far too often, we read over something rather quickly, and if we respond, it is often to the general idea of the letter, not to the specific points, and has less depth than the mail we received. Its important to remember that quick notes are great- they help us in many ways. That being said, the depth is still needed. We need to use what we have to expand our communication, not lessen it. We need to make sure that we dont allow the ease of communication to detract from the fact that we need to communicate. A long, thoughtful e-mail can be as deep and meaningful as a written correspondence ever was, so long as we put forth the effort to make it so. The conversations we share in IM can have great meaning if we use it as a tool to close distances rather than condense information.

When it comes to connectability, we have the greatest need for a shift in thinking, and yet by its very nature, the connection that the internet creates new means to bring people together, not push them away. In his book Gods Debris, Scott Adams presents what he calls a thought experiment. While the details of the book are unimportant to our discussion, he points out that throughout human history, we have been closing distances. Initially it showed mostly with transportation, but always was there regards to communication. For a long time the two went hand and hand. The easier it was to travel from place to place, the easier it was to communicate via letters, etc. Then, when phones came out, communication started to move ahead of transportation. With the advent of the internet, we have truly started to see a global community emerge. Adams book explains that humans have a need to close the gaps that separate us and become more united. I think that that is what we are on our way towards accomplishing.

In order for this to happen however, we need to make sure that we are using our technology. As Neil Postman points out in his book Technopoly, the problem with a lot of technology, computers in particular, is that we have stopped using technology, and we are letting it use us. Postman contends that with effort on our part, technology can be a tool to enhance the most human of our endeavors. Technology has created a vast new world of communication, one that we can utilize to make our lives better. In doing so, we need to make sure that we are still pursuing meaningful relationships, else we risk sacrificing ourselves to our own technology.

But beyond this somewhat idealistic advice, we also need to remember that a change in communication is not necessarily a bad thing. As I said earlier, the reason that I began thinking of this topic was because of a game I play which is solely online. This time of community is relatively new and taking some getting used to, especially for older generations. Just because we do not see each other in person does not mean that it is not a social situation. Games like Final Fantasy XI force people to interact with each other, compete against each other, and work with each other. These situations, though simulated through a computer, are more realistic than much of society gives them credit for. It creates situations that force people of all races, genders and ages to come together from across the globe. That kind of exposure is hard to come by, especially when you are younger.

To a certain degree, the same holds true for chat rooms and other internet meeting places. Through them you can communicate with and meet people from halfway across the globe. We can find those that share your interests, or better yet, learn about other people who have lives very different from our own. While this may not be the same as living day to day with the people that you meet, it gives us access to a wealth of diverse ideas and personalities that has been otherwise unavailable to us. The internet has created new environments for us that can be a great asset to us as a society, and while they may not be the only form of interpersonal relationships, they should certainly count.

When it comes down to it, the world is what you make it. As I stated in the very beginning, others I have talked to have made the observation that the worlds and connections created online can be just a lot nicer than the ones we see when we leave our house. Within the game, people smile and wave when they see someone they know. In an IM chat, people use emotioncons to smile at someone and make them feel better. We need to look at the internet as an opportunity when it comes to our interpersonal communications. We need to use the internet as the tool it was meant to be, expanding our horizons, deepening our relationships, and maybe even re-teaching some lessons that we as a society have seemed to lose.