Lessons on inspiration, defeat, and pick-me-ups

So the last two days have been... well, to put it suscinctly: Hell. I found out a bit of news that I never needed to hear, and I faced several of what I can only call defeats. On top of that, a million small things, all seemed to go wrong, right when I would think there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Though I won't go into the details, I will say that all that has happened has put a serious damper on most areas of my life right now. This is not to say that I did not learn from what has happened. In fact, as I reflected tonight during my drive to Columbia, I may have indeed discovered quite a few things about myself that had heretofore been hidden.

Perhaps the most surprising to me was my reaction to my "defeats." Knowing what I do about myself and my ego, I would have assumed, as I am would most that know me, that I would be stung by defeat simply because it was a loss. Surprisingly enough, this was not at all the case. Though I do indeed enjoy winning, I did not feel bitter over defeat for its own sake. That is not to say that there were not negative emotions. What I realized that startled me no little bit was that the defeat mattered very little to me, but my concern was only for what I saw was the price I paid. Some might not see the difference, or would assume that there would be pain at the tangible price paid for a defeat or a loss, but to someone who puts a high price on winning, I was honestly taken aback at my own reactions.

Perhaps a good illustration of what I am talking about would be from the past, or even a story. Imagine a general on the field of battle. After an army is defeated, there is often talk about the shame of defeat. Even in a simple brawl, it is often the loss itself, not the bruises gained that make the most dramatic effect. This is clearly what I expected. I expected to feel a sense of loss for the price I paid, but I would have anticipated it to pale in comparison for the sting of the defeat on principal. This was even moreso due to the fact that I know how important my abilities and my victories are to me.

Something else that I spent a lot of time thinking about was why no one can ever cheer me up when they try. With the gravity of some of the things I am dealing with, those I shared even a portion with did their best to make me feel better. Though I haven't thought about it a lot, their failed attempts are something I often felt. Very rarely, if ever, has anyone who attempted to make me feel better actually done so. I know that it isn't normally for a lack of trying or sincerity on their part, though that can certainly be the case. As I reflected on it for a long time, I realized that the source of my depression (not in the continual sense, but rather a temporary state) is almost always evident not in an additional pain, but rather in the loss of what is normally there. I am not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I am beginning to see a clearer picture of my own "down times."

I have had several family members and some close friends who have dealt with, or currently deal with a lot of depression. Listening to them has given me a certain understanding of what at least some people go through. Often there is the addition of despairing thoughts, hopelessness, etc. That explains why trying to soothe someone with uplifting thoughts, and instilling hope and confidence are people's normal reactions. Often times, these overtures do a great deal for a person. Why not in my case?

I think the answer is in that what I need when I am down is not emotional support, or pick-me-ups, but inspiration. In my life, the greatest source of my energy and love of life comes from my vision and ambition. These are fueled by inspiration. When things go wrong in my life, the times that I have recovered most effectively is when I am inspired. Once I was very down before heading to Boys State. It didn't take long before I was energized and alive, because by its very nature, that program is inspiring to me. I think back to all the times where it was a struggle to feel better, no matter what efforts my friends or family made, and I realize that while there may have been a lot of energy in trying to soothe painful emotions, what I really needed was lacking, which was a kickstart to my own positive emotions.

I certainly do not feel good about the way things have gone, or what I am going through, and I haven't moved beyond the darkness I feel, but on an intellectual level, I appreciate the insight I have gained in this time, and look forward to examining it further.