Self Changes

How do you change something, when the power to change if the thing that you are wanting to create?

I have always held that knowledge was power. A few years ago, I met someone who has become a dear friend. He is still to this day the most introspective person I know. He made me realize that for all that I thought I searched for knowledge, I neglected the one place that I should have started first: myself. This was even more amusing to the both of us since I seemed to have such a solid grasp on other people's nature. Perhaps it was easier to see others than to face myself.

Since that time, and in large part due to his help and some unique life experiences, I began to learn a great deal about who I really am at my core, and as such have become quite introspective. While knowing the truth almost always reveals some things one would rather not see, I was still glad to know my faults as well as my strengths, and saw my life taken to a new level. I am very glad of this, but the original high of my now years-old discovery has worn off, and I have seen that there are limits and even unique frustrations to this gift of introspection.

I have noticed that several people in my life see things wrong with themselves, but seem unable to change them. I have always thought that this must be terribly frustrating. Of course, I think that sometimes part of the problem comes down to sifting through who you are, and what is excess. Who you are is who you are. All you can do is scrape away the things that aren't who you are, and come to terms with that, or cover them up. I believe that the average person does the latter, and that only the former can really make you happy, but that again comes from my belief that being ourselves is the only way to be happy.

What to do with the excess, I think can be a problem. If you take the time to see yourself for who you are, I always thought that was really the most you had to do. Simply see yourself (no small feat, mind you) and then embrace who you are. Of course, life sometimes makes this difficult by adding excess. Until recently, I thought that the excess kind of faded away if you are yourself, which is much of what happened with me. I can look back at where I saw my true self, and as such, discarded something that I was doing or being that wasn't me. Sometimes it was gradual, a few times it was dramatic (at one point, I thought I was shy, if you can imagine), but it always seemed that the challenge was just finding what was really me.

Now I realize that sometimes, that isn't all there is too it, and I feel lost. When it comes to myself, the last few years have really let me feel as though I had a handle on nearly every facet. Accepting my faults and compensating with my strength has brought me a lot of happiness, but now I see that sometimes this power isn't enough. I think that sometimes this is what my friends deal with that I haven't understood.

This entry has gone on for quite some time. Suffice to say, I am dealing now with knowing that there is an "excess" upon me that is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I know this, and for the first time, I have no idea how to get back to simply being me.