Working Relationships

When Fab did it's first round of lay-offs I started coming to a strong realization. Someone off-handedly mentioned that "A job is just like a relationship. It takes two people to start  it, but only one to end it." This is definitely a true statement, but as the months progressed, more lay-offs happened and my own job was impacted, the correlation between jobs and friendships or romantic relationships became even more apparent. It also became very clear that often we can often create problems for ourselves by not realizing how incredibly similar these are and acting accordingly.

The night before what we affectionately called "The Reaping" at Fab, I knew my job was affected. Caleb in an effort to make me feel better made a "Fab Breakup" Spotify playlist, and I was again floored by how perfectly these songs of love an angst perfectly fit with how I was feeling. I even felt the wide range of upheaval. I was disbelieving with All or Nothing moved straight on to sadness with Believe and the next day was sure nothing fit my anger so well as Not Ready to Make Nice. It was clear that I was emotionally affected, and I was responding as though I had my heart broken, because really, I had.

Looking back, I realize that not all jobs ending were heartbreaking, but then again neither were all relationships. Sometimes the passion just fizzles. You drift apart. It might take a couple months for one or the other of you to make the break, but really you don't feel hurt, because your feelings had long since evaporated. Much like some relationships we can all think of, some of us cling to our jobs far too long the same way we do bad relationships.

The similarities don't end at breaking up. Dating is also eerily similar. One thing I know about myself with my romantic relationships is that when I'm not seeing someone, I am always on the hunt. When I get with someone, that desire to hunt actually leaves me. It's a sign of every successful relationship I've had when this happens. If I start looking, I know I'm not invested, and it's time to go. I realize I do the same thing with my jobs. While I was at Fab, I never looked for another job. I knew I wasn't paid near what I was worth, but I was committed, and overall happy with where I was. Sure, there might be a cuter boy aka job around the corner, but my heart was already taken.

When we meet someone knew, we sometimes refer to their relationship "resume" or "how they look on paper." We have taken this idea from our professional relationship, and applied it to dating, likely without realizing how much the reverse was true. We run into the same problems. "I mean sure, you have a cute office, but your office manager is insane!" is so similar to "You're adorable, but your best friend is off her rocker!" We also have to see how we fit in. "Wow. Suits? I haven't worn a suit to work in years..." and "So you only go to sports bars..." might be ways in which we might not fit with something even if it's great. We need to match, and we need the complete package, but like who we date, not just on paper.

After Fab and I broke up, I went hunting, but realized that I could only be somewhere that I was intensely passionate about. Job postings came from friends that I barely even read. I appreciated the sentiment, but much like my complete disinterest in dating without the prospect of a future husband, but knew I couldn't just settle for something that paid the bills for now. I needed something that would steal my heart. I knew I could probably go and hook up with a company and a nice paycheck pretty quickly, but what's the point if I'm not invested?

When you look at it, our lives are all wrapped up in relationships. We have a relationship with our partners, our jobs, our friends. Humans like familiarity, and so we attach the same emotions, and the same habits to them. Already scoping the guy across the room by your second date? Bet you keep yourself subscribed to your LinkedIn job alerts as well. Dive head first into your work? Bet when you find a relationship you do the same there. We sometimes feel that one or the other might help us "escape" from the other. "I need a break from my love life. I will throw myself into work to distract myself." This of course can only work temporarily, because you bring your same issues to the escape that you had in your problem area. Ever notice that you get mad at your boss for some of the same things as your spouse? Because in your head, it's a very similar thing.

Trying to separate how we react to one relationship vs. the other can create a lot of problems. You may not feel your "heart flutter" when you walk into your office, but if you live a passionless existence at work, you'll be as unhappy as you would be if you led one at home. Learning to embrace the fact that we engage in relationships with everything that we do and treating our jobs as carefully as we treat our love lives will always pan out for us better in the long run.

A Snatched Life

Anyone who has talked to me for more than about 5 minutes will tell you that when I believe in a product or service, I am intensely passionate about it. So when asked to write a testimonial about my experience in the 6-Week "get fit" program called Snatched, I thought I was in for a no brainer exercise. What I realized as I sat down to write is that what happened in the last 6 weeks touched so many aspects of my life, that I was having a difficult time summing up exactly what it was about this program that affected me so much. It was at that point I realized it was time to dig in deep. Luckily I have this lovely space with which to expound upon thoughts and ideas as much as I please.

First the quick background. Mark Fisher Fitness (MFF). I had heard of this place because I work a lot with Broadway Cares, specifically with Broadway Bares, and this year MFF was a big sponsor, helping several of the dancers get where they wanted to be before the big show. Seeing their commitment to a cause I care about, it was no surprise that when I wanted to shake up my fitness life I looked towards them. When I went on their site, I was instantly hooked by the great atmosphere they seemed to project, including lots of glittery rainbows and epic unicorns. I could tell that they took their motto "Ridiculous Humans, Serious Fitness" very seriously. I was cracking up over phrases like "sex may count a your day's physical activity, but I'd have to see it in action to be sure" and "Not sure about us? Let's just hook up." I decided if I was goi
ng to do something, this is where I would go. All I needed was the catalyst.

If the road to hell is paved with good intentions, I guess sometimes the opposite can be true as well. I came to MFF after a hard break-up intent on using our vacation money to get what I affectionately referred to as my "revenge body." I heard about this program called "Snatched" that was meant to really get results and set you up for success in 6 weeks. I decided to take the plunge. What happened was surprising. I joined focused on revenge, and I left it focused on me.

The first day of Snatched consisted of only 2 things. Mark talking a lot, and the taking of "before" pictures. When Mark spoke, he gave us a lot of information, and I realized that I wasn't in for some standard boot camp. In fact he asked us not to call Snatched a boot camp, and after that first week, there's no way I could see it as one. The first thing that was apparent was that everyone there really cared. And they cared so much they wanted us to succeed no matter what kind of people we were. They knew that sitting in the audience were OCD types who needed exact specifications and measurements as much as there were ADD types who wanted the big picture and how to deal with the slip ups we were already planning on. They wanted to make sure that all of us got the same love and attention and were able to hit our goals whatever they may be.

During all of Snatched (and in general at MFF) we're always told to "run our own race." At first this was a bit exasperating. What was I doing if not asking for someone to tell me what to do? What I realized is that they were giving me the tools to find my own success. Tools that I could take with me after this 6 week bubble was over. I also realize, it put the definition of success squarely on my shoulders. Every single instructor talked about how we know ourselves better. Were we having a high energy day that we could push ourselves beyond what we normally did? Were we struggling a bit and needing to scale back? These were our choices. They were there to push us to push ourselves, not to push us to get anything done.

The most important thing that MFF gave me was community. Snatched in particular gave me a group of people who really supported me and what I wanted to do. It made me realize that any of my friends at work who said things like "Ugh you're going to the gym again?" or the like simply weren't worth listening to. It also made me realize that there are lots of people out there who were totally supportive of me, and that I should be drawn to them as much as possible! I think that this sense of support and community is created so much in Snatched and at MFF because of the staff. When I hire people, I always look for a "fit." Were I to guess, I think Mark makes that his absolute 100% deal-breaker in hiring decisions. There was not a person- not a single one- at the clubhouse who didn't introduce themselves if they hadn't met me, or use my name once they had. There isn't anyone on staff who I felt uncomfortable around despite putting myself in very vulnerable positions. This sense of community made it harder for me to even imagine missing a class. I went from at most hitting the gym a couple times a week to NEVER making it to less than 5 days a week. This was an incredible change for me.

One of the most annoying things that the trainers would say when I first started was "How you do anything is how you do everything." This first of all was very life-coachy, and not in the good ways. I was there to get fit, not hear stuff like this. Oh how wrong I was. It wasn't until nearly the end of the program that I started to understand what was actually being said. I did the gym the same way I did everything else. If I was passionate about it, I would give it my all. If not, well I would suck at it. What they did was remind me over and over again that if I really wanted this, I had to figure out how to make it work for ME. For me that was finding my passion. Finding my reason to come every single day and get my ass kicked. To find the sense of belonging that I would literally fell bereft without if I wasn't able to make it.

The last thing that I really got out of this program is how much the gym matters in the grand scheme of things. I used to go both ways. I'd beat myself up if I missed the gym, and laude myself if I made it there. It didn't matter if on the former days I was making otherwise super healthy choices or on the latter I ate 6 cupcakes at work. The gym was my definition of health. What I learned more than anything is that it is just a piece of the pie. It's important. And my dedication to getting there is an easy benchmark for my dedication to my health. But equally important are the other aspects of my life. What I eat, how much I sleep, how much I take care of myself. All are part of health, and all are important aspects of my life.

Snatched changed my body. The pictures show it, my friend's exclaimed comments show it, and every time I look in the mirror I see it. What I didn't expect Snatched to do was change the way I look at keeping myself healthy, and the way I factor that into my life. MFF and Snatched showed me that "Health and Hotness" is important, simple, and best done with friends. I won't pretend I didn't put a lot of work into what I did. But I learned that it is easier than I thought, especially since I have help. I learned that putting my body at the top of my priority list is as important as any other aspect of taking care of myself.

My 6 weeks of "Snatching" are over, but my journey into a Snatched life are just beginning. I didn't get everything I wanted in 6 weeks, and frankly, without a magic wand, I never would have. This is probably good. If I already had a 6 pack and great definition everywhere, what more would I have to work on? Instead these 6 weeks gave me the strength of self and the physical confidence to get exactly what I want. Being fit isn't a destination, it's a journey. I'm lucky enough to have unicorns, rainbows and ninjas on mine, and I couldn't be more excited.

Associated Light

Lately I have had the privilege of being surrounded by some amazing people. Some are new people to my life. Others are long time friends who's lives have taken off in brilliant and amazing ways. Even many of my friends from afar seem to be doing stellar things in the world. Perhaps this has been happening for a long time and I am just realizing it do to a random chain of events, or perhaps new heights are appearing at a similar time. Either way, most of the people in my life are to put it bluntly: rocking it out in their own ways.

I am met with several simultaneous emotions when I look at their impact to the world, and to my life. First, I realize how lucky I am to have these people in my life. Where my life has led me could have gone in millions of different directions, and yet whatever has happened- the good and the bad- has brought me here. I think sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. I have had many struggles and failures in my life to match my successes, but without those, I know that my life would be very different, and more importantly I would probably not know the people that I know now.

The second emotion that I feel is proud of myself. One thing that the great people that I know remind me of is that I deserve to be there. No matter how successful, or famous, or incredible these people are, they choose to keep me in their lives. Even when I am down and out, the fact that these people choose to know me and be my friends proves that I have something to offer.

This "something" that I have to offer brings me to my final, and more complicated feeling. Despite my linguistic proficiency, I am unable to place into a word what this feeling is. The last few weeks have brought me both frustration at where I'm at and a desire and drive to push forward and do more. For the first time these two aspects seem to be melded into a single emotion, that keeps me a little bewildered. Regardless, suffice to say that I know that I need to meet the challenge that has been unintentionally laid out before me. Dark times have hit. What I need to remember is that fire always gives off light and heat and chases the darkness away. Hiding from myself or my struggles will not push back the darkness or lead me to new places. It is the moments when I forget that I live my life by fire, both internally and externally that I lose sight of where I'm going, and my ability to get there.

Darkness can only live in the absence of light. My friends have reminded me that my light shines even when I forget it's there. It is time to reignite myself and be everything that I am. It's time to once again see exactly how brightly I can burn.

2010 has gone, but 2011, I'm glad you're here!

It wouldn't be a New Year without looking back at what has gone and looking ahead at what is yet to come.

Two weeks ago, as the year was drawing to a close, a new chapter of my life began. I am now two weeks into my "thirties" and that on top of this New Year have me looking forward with new vigor.

The last two years have been rough. Last year about this time, I vowed to live my life more fully even in dark times, and in many ways, I succeeded. I entered into a great new relationship, that though it ended eventually, we lived it well. I finally went outside the U.S. for traveling. I wrote more, loved more, and experienced more.

I started coaching again, something I have sorely missed. I saw more theatre. I moved my best friend in all the world in with me. In nearly all things, I have done more. Strangely, I have done all this with less. This year, my living and financial situation was even worse than before. To see how much more I have been able to do though, really proves to me something I have always believed: The world is maleable. We may not be able to have everything we want, but we can create for ourselves a better life if we try.

So that was last year. What does that mean for the one we have just embarked on? This year- the first of my thirties- I want MORE. It was at my birthday party that I first put this into words, and it is something I plan to hold on to. Last year I proved what I can do with little. This year, I intend to be DONE with "little." The economy is recovering. My roots in NYC have been planted deeper, my connections grown. And I'm 30. Some of my friends have hit this milestone with dread, but I hit it as is so unsurprising- with incredible optimism. I am excited to be living in this time and at the age I'm at.

At this moment, I feel like the world is ready to open up even more for me. I can nearly feel a satisfying job and the hint of love right around the corner. Songs have said it far better than I, but I don't know what either of these look like yet, but I know they are right there waiting for me. And I intend to take them.

So this year, I will live with more. I will continue to take forward the valuable lessons I learned last year, and live deeper. I will do even more in the places that I "slacked off" and allowed myself to resign myself to my fate. Then I will take all of this possibility, and I will add to it new adventure and new stability. If I can live well with little, this year I intend to prove that I can live the life incredible as I add more too it.

At one point in my life I was incredibly successful. Partially because of my youth and inexperience, I didn't live a great life when I had that success. Though I don't regret it all, I know now that there is so much more to life that I can have when I embrace and utilize my success. So this year, having learned those lessons, I intend to create success... and then use it well!

Here's to a new decade in time, a new decade of my life, and to a new year of immense possibility!

Finding difficult thanks.

It's that time of year again.

A time when we get together with family, or our family of friends.

A time when we eat far more than we ever should.

A time when we look at our lives and see what we're thankful for.

To be honest, this was a rough year, and my initial inclination was to skip this year's obligatory post. I certainly am not going to pretend to be one of those guys who can list my basic needs in what I'm thankful for. Yes, it's great that I am not starving, sick, dead, devoid of friends, etc. but in all honesty when are we every THANKFUL of that? Should we be? I say no, but many disagree, and that is a debate for another time.

Given that I was not going to spout some drivel about the minute things that subsist in every one's lives, I wasn't really sure that there was much for me to say. Then I did what any self respecting introspective philosopher would do: I looked harder. So it is, that I enlightened myself with the following things that I am thankful for in 2010:

1. I am thankful for the kids that I coach, and the guy I coach with. The last few months have been dramatically better in comparison to the rest of the year almost exclusively because of the coaching I started doing. My kids are amazing- constantly challenging me and surprising me as they rise beyond my expectations. At the pinnacle of that success if of course the guy who found me and roped me into all this. He is an amazing coach in his own right, and his care for our team and the future of our program makes every moment I spend on this endeavor worth it.

2. I am thankful for New York. I have spoken to a few friends from "home," and one thing rang completely true. No matter the difficult trials that this year has presented to me, I still am happier an many ways simply because of where I live. This city never ceases to amaze me, and allows me to find a constant stream of small delights to keep me afloat in difficult times.

3. I am thankful for Starbucks. As small of a moment as it may be, it is great that I have something that brings a small amount of comfort and pleasure no matter how difficult my day might otherwise be.

4. Lastly, I realized that I am thankful for the difference I am able to make in people's lives. Sometimes I forget how truly impactful people can be. Looking around at the lived I have touched makes me realize that while bad things are happening, we can still be a source of great things.

As for the day itself yesterday was really nice. I spent time with lots of different friends, and did a wide variety of things. Sitting down to a nice dinner, holding great conversation, watching parade madness, adventuring out to a show, reveling in some video games, and finally partying up with the diziens of the city, all encompassed a fun day.

100 Little Cuts

It is interesting how human makeup varies so much externally vs. internally.

When our bodies are injured, it is almost always one significant injury that our body can't cope with. When we are faced with little wounds all over, our body has an amazing ability to repair itself. Only when one thing is so damaging will our body normally give out.

When it comes to our hearts and minds though- our emotional well being, the opposite is completely true. Though some significant events such as the loss of a child, etc can be crippling, we are more likely to collapse under the weight of 100 minor stresses. When we face a seriously traumatic experience, our mind has many defense mechanisms that kick into place to keep us afloat. Though sometimes these are only stopgap measures that must eventually be dealt with, we have an amazing resilience to bounce back and not stay mired in internal pain.

Unfortunately what often creeps up on us and we are far less capable of handling is the small things that sneak in under our radar. Nearly everyone I have ever met with clinical depression comes as a result not of a significant trama, but from a life filled with tiny debilitating stresses.

Beyond our own inability to recognize and defend ourselves from these small but multiplicative strains, we often can't reach out to our greatest source of healing: each other. When a major catastrophic event happens in one's life, they are able to turn to their friends and family in a way that sometimes they never have before. Sometimes, this even creates light out of the darkness. This closeness and this aid helps us heal in ways that we never could have on our own.

The problem with the smaller stressors is two-fold. One, we often don't recognize their effect on us, so we don't reach out. Secondly, when we do reach out, it is often met with very little sympathy or support. "Yes, yes, you have problems with you're kids. Don't we all?" or even worse "Oh, I totally agree about your money problems, listen to how bad mine are." When we are confronted with our friends' and families' smaller problems, we find it easy to dismiss them or to compare them to our own problems. This not only doesn't allow someone the comfort and support that we need, but also helps them undermine their own process. If we don't think that their problems are important, it shows them that they aren't important either, forcing them to be swept aside, until that pile of discard is so large it collapses on top of us.

This is the crux of the problem. We don't focus on the small details, our friends encourage this behavior, and yet as such we aren't prepared for the deluge when it hits us. Even worse is if we already have a pile of unaddressed issues and then we are faced with something larger. Perhaps the reason that our body is so much more effective at dealing with the small problems is that it always deals with them. Imagine if every time you got a cut, your body just ignored it. After all it's only a small problem. How long would it be before you had so many "tiny" injuries that you bled to death? How much worse would a major injury be if you're already bleeding from 100 smaller cuts?

When someone goes through a divorce, or is faced with a major problem or huge disappointment, our ability to deal with it is severely handicapped if we are struggling under the weight of all the things that we have forgotten are problems in our life.

So what's the brilliant solution waiting to be revealed? Strangely even psychologists don't have a brilliant answer to this one. Dealing with our problems is always a healthy solution, but when that isn't a viable option (money issues, etc.) it can be hard to let a wound heal. One thing for sure is to make sure that we give strong consideration to what our friends are going through. And whenever possible, we need to try and see if there is a solution to any of our problems. Putting a band-aid on may cover it up, but if the splinter is still in, it will just go deeper and deeper until it gets infected. Try and see if it is within your power to remove the splinter, and of course, ask for help. Letting people help is us one of the surest ways to make our own loads lighter, and hey! That's what friends are for. Don't let yourself be convinced that just because your problem is small, it shouldn't be dealt with. Life may not be perfect, but we sure can try to make it as close as possible!

How do you like your eggs?

The thoughts of this dreary Sunday were given a new direction when my roommate decided that a good use of our time would be watching "Runaway Bride." Despite my love of Julia Roberts and romantic comedies in general, I had never actually seen this film. It was indeed enjoyable and a good counter-agent to the gloominess that was permeating my day. Once the movie was over, I felt a theme resonate with me, and the more I thought about it, the more aspects of relationships seemed to tie into this.

The theme is simply ones self. In the movie, it comes out that Robert's character has never settled into who she is and what she wants. Her engagements alwats come with her acting in a way that she can be who they want. This is artfully demonstrated by the fact that each former suitor claims that she likes her eggs the same way that they do. By the end, Roberts realizes that she in fact likes her eggs completely differently from all the guys she had been with. (Her finally landing on loving Eggs Benedict certainly gets a thumbs up from me).

I have talked before about the statement that people often need to get themselves together before they can be in a real relationship. I have often debunked this notion. This movie in some ways challenged my thoughts, but in the end, actually only strengthen my argument. People don't need their lives to be in order. If anything a relationship can often be a catalyst to taking our lives to new heights and bringing in line some of the loose edges that we allow to creep up in your singledom. What we do have to have is our sense of self.

I have seen many people run from relationships because "they weren't in the right place." While sometimes this is indeed true, often it is simply an excuse to continue to live in fear and run away from something serious or potentially painful or difficult. What if often overlooked is when people aren't actually ready, because they don't know themselves. They can't decide what type of eggs to order, what makes them truly happy. No other person is going to provide the pieces to our cosmic puzzle if we don't know what kind of pictures we want our pieced together puzzle to look like. When we seek out people to give us meaning or definition to our lives, we simply assume their meaning and definitions, or assume those that they are looking for. This can never make us happy, because we aren't fitting with what we need.

People weren't meant to create their personalities to fit someone else, or to become someone's mirror, though we all know people who often fall into this trap. I hold that a real relationship is "perfect" when two people come together with their individual wants and needs, and somehow with all that held within them, somehow mesh. Sometimes this means similar wants and needs, sometimes it's just when they work out. I would never need a guy who would love to wolf down my Eggs Benedict, but he better be as happy with my love of them as I am with his Country Scramble. Who knows if we will find a person who will make the same order we do. What matters is if we're both happy with the choices that each makes for themselves, and more importantly, the fact that they know what it is that they want to order.

Precursor to Marriage

I may just be the best thing to happen to gay marriage since Ellen. While this would normally be an exciting accolade for an activist such as myself, I am bestowed this honor, not for my work politically, but my effect on those I date.

I recently bumped into someone I was dating, and who I always saw great potential in. The big news? He's getting married... to the guy after me. While this I am sure has happened to a great many of us, I have a nearly flawless track record in this arena. The only person whom I have dated that didn't end up in either a marriage or some really close proximity thereof, was the one who hates marriage with all the fiery passion of his soul.

A few prime examples:

• First boyfriend ever: Been with his current guy for almost 9 years. Live together. Basically married.
• Longest relationship ever: Been with the guy after me for 5 years. Live together. Do major events together. 
• Only guy I ever asked to live with me: Was married for several years, though now getting a divorce.
• Guy I fell stupidly head over heels for and was the only one besides Jason I could see with forever: Married and owns a joint business.

There are more. It seems even a brief inclination of dating can often lead to some sort of long term commitment or matrimony for the guy that follows after. Why is that? Strangely enough, some of these guys were insistent that they never wanted something that permanent, only to go on and have it fall right into their next relationship.

One of my friends actually used to joke with me about this, though he was semi serious, and has a point. It is so clear what I want in my life and the life I envision for me and who will ultimately be my partner in life. Seeing that I live this so fully and openly in my life, it is near impossible for people to even be friends with me without glimpsing it. It is possible that having seen such a possibility, that they then go and seek it when they move on. This idea is kinda of warm feeling, though if they get such a great image of it, it would be nice for them to... I don't know... imagine ME in it.

Someone else I asked about this said that I am sort of a trial by fire for people. When someone is done with me, they are rarely the same. Sort of in a "Wicked"esque "Changed for good" thing, they aren't changing for me or for the relationship, but no matter what happens, they are changed for good, and the next person to come along sees that and embraces it wholly. Another fairly nice thought.

Of course it is entirely possible that after me, ANYONE less intense has got to feel like Heaven. Oyi. Lastly I suppose that it could be coincidence, but given how little I see that happening, I am sure that there is some cosmic or psychological links that I can continue to ponder. Either way, there's my vent and pondering. Hopefully this time I am with someone who's already ready for their guy, and that guy can be ME!

Goodbye 2009, Hello 2010!

In these last hours of 2009, I, like so many people am thinking about the year I am leaving behind, and the new time I look forward to. This year, being the end of the first decade of this millennium, I am also looking back forward to this decade of my life. It is fairly fitting time to do this, as because of my birthday, it was also the first decade of my “adult life.”

This year, I celebrated my 10 year high school class reunion. To think that I have spent 10 years out of my childhood is fairly daunting. To think how much I have changed, how much I have grown in ways I never knew I could, is just shy of earth shattering. In the last decade I have come to grips with who I am, fallen in love, had my heart broken. I have made myself a success, lost a great deal of that success. I have traveled the country, returned home, and made myself a true home somewhere far from where I was born. I have made friends that will last a lifetime, and lost many that I thought would stand by me forever. I have been loved, and I have been betrayed by those close to me.

Looking back over it all, I will have to say that more than anything, I walk away from this decade with the knowledge that will last me the rest of my life, and hopefully make me the lasting success in love and in life that we all seem to seek. This last year I will have to say in many ways was the most trying of them all. I seemed to be in constant battle with the one thing that I hate in my life above all others: stagnation.

Given the state of everything in the world, in many ways I am lucky to be stuck in one place. Many people have lost more than I have and have less to look forward to. That said, staying in place, especially when I am not happy where I am is not who I am. Given this insight into the last year, my New Year’s Resolution is going to take a different turn from the traditional, and certainly from what I have done in my past.

This coming year, I resolve to spend my energy making my life the way that I want it regardless of what is going on around me. Much of this will take place at home. Talking to people who have far more experience in the world than I do has made me realize that the saying “home is what you make it” is more true than I ever realized. I am not a big fan of my apartment, and I am planning on moving, but what I realize is that there is much that I can do to make where I live a place that makes me happy. This will be my first step. Changing things in my place, spending the time and sometimes the money to make the small changes that will make my place “MY place” regardless of where that is.

I plan on taking this same philosophy professionally too. I cannot make more work appear, and like everyone else I am dealing with a struggling economy. That said, there are things that I can do whether or not they bring in the bank that will make me professionally happy. Writing and non-profit work come to the forefront of this idea. The more I realize that I have a lot to offer, regardless of the paycheck the happier I will be, regardless of the state of the economy.

The details of these plans are still coming, and the ones I have are definitely not anything I would bore the world with, but suffice to say, this year shall end a chapter of my life, but that the New Year is not going to be one where I have trivial and easy to ignore resolutions. This New Year is going to not endeavor to make changes to me. This year is going to be dedicated instead to simply utilizing myself and the lessons of the last decade to improve the quality of life that I enjoy. I think that this will spill over into other areas of my life, and even to those that I am close to.

So here’s to a new year, a new decade, and a new road to achieve happiness. May we all find what we’re looking for.

Life Definitions

It has been a long time since my last post, and I just realized this will be #100! Woah. I like to talk. Well in true Rick Raven fashion, no easing in from my long break. Why not tackle the big questions!?

A conversation I have had a few too many times to count happened again today, and it made me think a lot about a much larger question.

The conversation settled around what being gay meant. This friend happens to be one of those “enlightened” gays who insists that being gay is an infinitely small part of who they are and “doesn’t define who [he is].”

Statements like this of course bring up all my standard responses such as what other aspect of your life dictates so much of your time as who you love, etc. My view has always been that the closest thing to your sexuality is probably your religion in relation to your life, but after the conversation was over, I realized that there was a much bigger argument and question to be put forth.

What exactly defines our lives?

My friend, for example says that he defines his own life. This statement is of course obvious. Unless you are a weak willed puppet, this will always be the case. So we define our own lives. But how? What measuring stick do we use? What is ok to allow to define your life?

I would venture to say that many people choose to let religion define their lives. I would say that most of us are defined in large part by our jobs. Is this ok? What about your upbringing? Your education? Are there rules as to what can define your life and what cannot?

To me it all seems pretty ridiculous to say that something can’t define a part of your life. I would say that the only time that some definition to your life is really a bad thing (even if I happen to hate it, Hellllllo Christian Right!) is when that is ALL that you are. When one single aspect of your life is so all encompassing that it doesn’t allow the vast complexities of life to mesh together to create some greater you, that is a problem. For the rest, let what you will define who you are!

Looking inwardly, off the top of my head, I can definitely say that I am definitely defined by being gay, living on the East Coast, specifically NYC, being a hopeless romantic, being a Sagittarius, having experienced an Ivy League college, and being encouraged to read as a child. I am sure that I would think of more given some time.

Now that I think about it, we may have both past and present definitions to our lives. By this I don’t mean things that don’t define who you are anymore, but rather things that are in our past that still shape our lives, and the things that are our present, and our person that continue to shape and define us. When you mesh these together, you make up who you are. I think that we all have things in our past, and aspects of our present that could make us who we are, but we choose for ourselves what will have the biggest impact. And I don’t necessarily mean events. X event will definitely cause Y which may have a huge impact on your life, but you may still not choose to let it define you. For example, being adopted definitely changed the course of my life, but I don’t think it defines me as a person.

In the end, I guess I agree in part with what my friend says. We do choose what defines our lives. We do so by embracing aspects of our lives, memories, people, places, thoughts, and ideas. Some may be huge like your religion, some may be small like who you met on the street. But our choices make this matter or not. I think that the fallacy that so many fall into is thinking that nothing defines who you are, or running away from things that might. To me, who you love is always a HUGE matter to your life. Many other things can fall into this as well. The true enlightenment is not in running away from things that might define your life, but rather embracing those things you want about yourself and learning to discard the rest and letting it fall away, making you the meshing of your own choosing.

25 Random things about Rick Raven

Ok. I am not a surveyist on blogs or Facebook, but this one has swept everyone away. Since most everyone I know has done this, I figure it’s only fair that I participate, especially since even people that don’t do surveys did this. Here are 25 Things about me.

Rules (if doing this on Facebook): Once you've been tagged, you are supposed to write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you. At the end, choose 25 people to be tagged. You have to tag the person who tagged you. If I tagged you, it's because I want to know more about you.


1. My full name is legally Richard Warren Daniel LeBaron Sieger Raven. Yes, all 6. For reference, that is 1 first, 2 middle, and 3 last. When your family is as insane as mine is, this really shouldn’t surprise you.

2. I have more siblings than anyone I know, many of which who are adopted like I am, and I am the oldest of them all.

3. I spent almost all of my life living in the Midwest but it is my least favorite place in the world. I am an urbanist at heart, and if I can’t have my subways- preferably the 24 hour sort (get on it Boston!) and a Starbucks in walking distance, then I am miserable.

4. I love animals, but cats drive me crazy as pets. The only exceptions are the weird cats that act like dogs. Sorry, but if I am going to put that much effort into something, I want something out of it too. This is also why I don’t date men with cat personalities.

5. I believe in every line in the song Affirmation by Savage Garden.

6. I am a hopeless romantic at heart, and will always fall for the “thunderbolt” type of love, sweet small things and grand gestures, sacrificing just about anything for it.

7. Very few things actually scare me, but for some reason I have an uncontrollable fear of the sensation of falling.

8. Whether you believe that there is truth behind horoscopes normally, anything you ever read about a Sagittarius will be true about me.

9. Maybe in part because of #8, I definitely find truth in signs. I am not so big on the daily type of horoscopes, but your birth determining certain traits definitely seems realistic to me, especially since it turns out to be true so often. I also believe that your name signifies a lot of who you are as well.

10. A long time ago a friend’s dad said that he felt anyone who didn’t give at least a week of their time a year to a good cause wasn’t worth the space they take up on this Earth. I completely agree.

11. I like dorky things like video games and comic books. In fact, I am pretty sure that many skills I use as an adult were developed from playing card and video games and reading books and comics as a kid.

12. In many ways I am an incredibly motivated person and am also very motivational to others, but for some reason I have no way of making myself motivated to do something if the motivation isn’t already there.

13. I am definitely more of a visionary than a nuts and bolts kind of guy. I like seeing the grand design and greater picture of things than see the details behind how it works in the same way that I like creating something or teaching something more than I like doing it.

14. If I lived several centuries or even millennia ago, I would definitely be a philosopher. I think I do many of the same things now. I love thinking deeply about a great many things and talking about them with my friends, or even random people. I get accused of “putting too much thought into it” which pretty much is the basis of philosophy, but no one really considers it useful enough to call it a profession anymore.

15. I thrive on people. I am not one of those people who hates going to Starbucks to read, but quite the opposite. I love the energy of people being around, whether it is working or being social, and being around people gives me more energy and motivation.

16. I hate hate hate companies like Wal-Mart but totally support good big businesses like Starbucks. Treat the community, your employees, and the world well and we’ll get along fine. If not NO money from me. (I haven’t spent money at Wal-Mart in YEARS).

17. I like sweet girlie alcohol drinks, but at the same time am totally fine taking shots of whiskey or Jager if the situation arises. Nothing thus far has eclipsed a Spastic Toad in my estimation.

18. I think snow is far better than rain. While storms can be beautiful, the rain they bring never seems to be. Snow on the other hand is beautiful and never seems to soak me the way rain does. Who wants to be drenched?

19. I like every type of food, unless it has onions in it. Onions are the devil to my tongue, but the wide array of interesting food in the world all appeals to me from home cooked Italian to crazy Thai dishes. Good thing I live in NYC so I can placate all my palates.

20. On any given day you are more likely to find me in an Oxford-style shirt and jeans, though I also love suits and think that no outfit is cooler than jeans, t-shirt and a sports coat.

21. I remember movies and actors far better than music and singers. The exception is if a movie provokes no emotion or intellectual interest. In that case it will be immediately forgotten, whereas if a song moves me it will be with me forever. Movies just seem to do that more often.

22. I love art, wine, and architecture, but sadly know little of any of them. I can look at something or taste something and tell you I like or dislike it, but for the life of me can’t tell you why.

23. I don’t smoke, and never will, but am drawn to the taste of cigars, but hate the smell, and hate the taste of cigarettes but love the smell coming from another. But then hate all smoke smell on a person when not smoking, hence rarely dating smokers. Strange, no?

24. I love working out and being physically active, but when I am not doing such things, I find it hard to remember the joy I feel when doing it, which is why I sometimes completely slack off in that department.

25. I am an incredible judge of people, their emotions, capabilities, moods, etc. I can tell you instantly if 2 people are a good match for each other as friends, business, whatever. This skill completely fails me when I add myself into the equation which is why I make stupid mistakes trusting people.

Strangely, this list took me more than a week to complete. Hmmm.

To my unconventional Valentine

This year, rather than extol the virtues or reiterate the vices of Valentine’s Day, I decided to take a que from one of our local magazines. Rather than talk of love between people, they dedicated the article to something we can all (at least the magazine’s audience) agree to love: The City. Given that I have no partner to sing praises to, I decided to give my valentine to this island I live on and love oh so much.

Dear New York City,

On this day of lovers, I wanted to share with you how you have reached into the deepest parts of my soul and made me so happy.

How I love that you provide me with a Starbucks close enough to walk to no matter where I find myself.

How I smile every time I turn a corner and realize that there is something I hadn’t noticed about a street I pass every day.

How I love that your subways will always help me make my way home, no matter the hour.

How could I not be thrilled by the multitude of brilliant shows you produce and house every single day?

How I love that even within the sprawling buildings, you always seem to have room for a park filled with green in every neighborhood.

What words do I have to describe the delight I feel knowing that walking down the streets, everyone is able to be who they are without fear of reprisal?

What a wondrous thing it is that out of the millions of people you house, you always seem to provide opportunities to bump into random friends as though we were in a small Midwestern town.

And how can one not love your beauty? Fountains and sculptures, architectural brilliance, and cultural uniqueness make you shine.

Of course how can their be love without taste? Your existence ensures that no matter what my tongue wants, I can find. You can provide new and thrilling, or warm and comforting at any time.

And lastly, my sweet Valentine, I thank you for the people you bring together. So many walks of life, so many reasons for friends to visit, so many people, all brought together by you.

For this and all the wonderful things you are, and all the wonderful things you do for me and to the world, Happy Valentine’s Day!

-Your Loving Valentine, Rick

Long Time

It is sometimes amazing how when you perhaps need to put your thoughts to paper most are the very same times that you never seem to bring yourself to have time to do so.

Looking over the past month and a half it feels like a blur. Between campaigns coming to their final boil, and the economy making effectively working almost impossible, life has definitely been rocky. When one feels down on life, there are occasions where you can be surprised at what bothers you the most, and what you miss. My current situation, as well as that in the country at large has certainly led to a lot of philosophical thinking.

Since I started doing project work for MTV, I have really enjoyed the way that life was going. Even when I had occasions to work on a project that was less than exciting, I was still buoyed by the work I was doing and the direction I was building for myself in my life. Unfortunately, working for one of the big companies in this city, means that there are times that the market is felt all too keenly, and so it was that MTV cut back their project outsourcing budgets significantly, and my work-life came to a screeching halt. While I certainly miss both the peace of mind and the spending cash of my consistent job, I found myself unable to do some things that I have certainly taken for granted that surprised me a lot.

For the first time in 7 years, I missed the HRC National Dinner. That was a bigger blow than I expected. Missing something that I considered a staple in my life made me think of how we incorporate things into our lives, barely knowing how important they are to us. When you look objectively, it was a dinner, which had good entertainment, was for a good cause and would have been attended by great people. All of these are good, but frankly, there are other events happening all the time that do the same thing. The fact of the matter is, that on some level, this particular event had carved a place in my life and my heart, and I never even realized it.

Sitting here now, I think that the elections have raised too many issues to include with anything else, and tomorrow, when I am either rejoicing or crying is probably a better time to entertain them.

Another thing that being between projects has brought into sharp focus is the different ways of seeing “doing what is necessary.” I have been having this discussion with many of my friends, and most of us see things differently from one another. Which is the better path? Should one choose to do whatever job you can get to make sure that you are making the money you need to make in the moment? Or, is it better to live with less than you want in order to build towards something else? Is there a point at which you must leave one path to pursue the other? Can they somehow both be followed at the same time?

When trying to build something for yourself and your future, which is the greater sacrifice? Which is the better path? This is something I am sure I will ponder more as time goes on, and the tough choices continue to be put before me.

Living With it All

So, I finally made a return visit to Boston. Having not been there since I left Harvard, it was a trip that was a long time coming. In the years since then, I have sometimes wondered if my love for the city was something that I had allowed to elevate to some mythic plateau. Being the first “big city” that I had ever lived in, I suppose that this was possible. Being back there however, disabused me of that notion completely. I still love it. It is still beautiful. It is still full of warmth and history.

My time there did firm up one nagging suspicion though. I doubt I could live there anytime soon. For all that I love about Boston, it simply doesn’t offer the life that New York does, and I consider that a great travesty. When I came back to NYC, I was saddened by the fact that the city that held more of what I wanted in so many ways, was lacking in so many others.

I find myself wanting a city that has it all. Having traveled all over the country, visiting nearly every major city that we have, I am beginning to think that this isn’t possible. Some people have intimated that Europe and Australia have come much closer, but as I have not experienced these cities, I cannot judge. From my experience, so many things seem mutually exclusive, though for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.

Would making DC have a 24hr train system make the subways dirty and run down like NY?

Would bringing more potent industry (more major corporations) to someplace like Boston damage the fabric of the city?

Does NYC have so many people that it is impossible to make it clean and have some semblance of form and history?

Can a city have an open and lively lifestyle and still maintain warmth?

These are the questions that plague me. I love the wealth of opportunities, the freedom, and vibrancy of New York. At this point in my life, I know that more than anything these things are important to me. But I long for the beauty, and warmth that I find throughout all of Boston and cities like it.

I wonder if I can find that happy combination anywhere.

Wordle's startling revelations

While I was going to write about something entirely different today, I couldn’t pass this up. Today a friend sent me a link of what he made while playing around with an online app called Wordle. You put in whatever words you want and it makes digital “art” out of them. Above was what created for me when I pasted the “About me” section from my Facebook.

If you have ever seen this section, it is written in paragraph form, so I assumed it wouldn’t work well for something like this, but I wanted to see what happened anyway. I am pretty astounded by the results. Not only does this seem to work well as an interesting representation of my thoughts, it also adds and entirely new dimension.

Look at some of the words it listed. “Hold” is a great example. I wrote that, “An opera can hold just as much joy for me as a comic book.” In that sentence, hold has no significance. It is there to help me get to the point that I like opera and comic books, and to show my diversity. In that sentence, hold is a means to an end. In this picture, it is an end unto itself, and suddenly many more meanings can stem from it. When I looked at it, I thought of my joy at holding on to someone else. Thinking about it more, you can think of how one hold’s their life in their own hands, how sometimes we hold on to another’s heart. Holding on to what we hold dear. All of these thoughts stemming from one simple word, allowing me to see myself in that word, no longer as a bridge in a sentence, but as meaning itself.

How amazing language is that a simple word can have so much meaning. How “debate” can go from a subject I coached to the fact that I like to debate nearly everyone in the world around me. “Close” can go from “Being close to someone I care about” to bringing up images of how many aspects of my life are close to what I am striving for. How close I have come to some goals, and times in my life that I was so close to losing what I hold dear.

I may have never thought to include these things when thinking about myself or my life, nor would I have included them in something like an “about me” section, but the fact remains that they a part of who I am, and apparently right there below the surface, if I only had looked.

I won’t belabor the point or go n examining every word here, but suffice to say that sometimes the power of language is truly amazing, and it is great in these moments where we can look at ourselves and see things we didn’t even realize were right on the surface.

Rickology

Sometimes these can be fun, so here's some of me.

MOUTHOLOGY

What is your salad dressing of choice?
Vinagrette or Honey Mustard

What is your favorite fast food restaurant of choice?
Chick-Fil-A no question.

What is your favorite sit-down restaurant?
Probably one of the little Italian mom and pops here in NYC, or nationwide, definitely Bravo.

On average how much of a tip do you leave at a restaurant?
20% or more. Unless they are REALLY bad.

What food could you eat every day for two weeks and not get sick of?
Italian.

What are your pizza toppings of choice?
Sausage and Mushrooms, or if at a good place, Chicken, Spinach and Mushrooms.

What do you like to put on your toast?
Peanut butter if I have toast. More likely to have a toasted bagel. =)


TECHNOLOGY

What is your wallpaper on your computer?
Blue abstract art.

How many televisions are in your house?
3 technically, but only 2 are hooked up.

What color cell phone do you have?
Black Mogul.


BIOLOGY

Are you right-handed or left-handed?
Ambidextrous in most things. Write with right still.

Have you ever had anything removed from your body?
6 Wisdom teeth.

What is the last heavy item you lifted?
Weights. Woot for buffing up.

Have you ever been knocked unconscious?
Not exactly. Close though.


BULLSHITOLOGY

If it were possible, would you want to know the day you were going to die?
Not sure. It would definitely put things into perspective, but then again it might make it hard to have certain things as well.

If you could change your name, what would you change it to?
I love my name. Never ever ever changing.

What color looks good on you?
I wear blue, but my friends and family say Red is great on me.

Would you never blog again for $50,000?
No. I love getting my opinions down, and plan to do it at least semi-professionally, so $50k wouldn't be worth it.

Would you pose naked in a magazine for $250,000
Yes.

Would you drink an entire bottle of hot sauce for $1000?
No.

Would you, without fear of punishment, take a human life for $1,000,000?
Nope


DUMBOLOGY

What is in your left pocket?
Keys and money.

Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
Not so much.

Hardwood or carpet in your house?
Hardwood. Carpet is DIRTY!!

Do you sit or stand in the shower?
Stand. Do people sit in showers?

Could you live with roommates?
One. But he's cool.

How many pairs of flip flops do you own?
3. Cheap replicable, nice black ones and nice brown ones.

Last time you had a run-in with the cops?
Well, I see em everyday with their horses in Times Square, but they are nice to me. Speeding ticket was probably last bad time.

What do you want to be when you grow up?
Isn't that the question. I loved my businesses, but I think that I need a more interactive training/teaching-type "career" with business and writing on the side.

Who is number 1 on your top 8?
Auralie

Last Friend you talked to?
Bryan

Last person who called u?
Mi madre

Last person you hugged?
Chris (McCurley)


FAVORITOLOGY

Number?
12

Season?
Spring

Holiday?
My birthday.

Day of the week:
Saturday

Month?
May

CURRENTOLOGY

Missing someone?
Yep

Mood?
Pleased

Listening to?
French station on iTunes (American music though)

Watching?
People scamper about Times Square

Worrying about?
Job future


RANDOMOLOGY

First place you went this morning
Work

What can you not wait to do?
Settle into what I want

What's the last movie you saw?
Sweeney Todd

Do you smile often?
Yep. Makes even bad days better.

The test and therapists

As always, my friend Lana fills my days with interesting blogs, and today was no exception. She recently took one of the millions of personality tests out there, and so I thought I would do the same.

This particular one was a 78 question Briggs-Myers test, (Humantrics) and I was curious to see if my "life-reset" had changed my score much.
______________________________
Your Type is
ENFP
Extraverted: 78 Intuitive: 62 Feeling: 31 Perceiving: 44

Qualitative analysis of your type formula

You are:

* very expressed extravert
* distinctively expressed intuitive personality
* moderately expressed feeling personality
* moderately expressed perceiving personality
______________________________

I can’t seem to find my old score, but it seems if anything I have moved up in percentages with my attributes, which is interesting.

Another thing that Lana mentioned was the value of therapy. She spoke definitely in support of it, but wondered how it was that a person could still be seeing the same therapist for several years. Can the therapist be that effective if several years haven’t resolved their issues?

The funny thing about this timing is that I have nearly finished a book on gay relationships by a gay therapist who definitely has written his book as a psychologist, and so I have been thinking a lot about this lately.

Lana and I have one thing in common, which is we struggle to find personal value in a therapist, mostly because we often feel like what they are telling us is common sense. It is frustrating, because we often want to berate ourselves for feeling smarter than the people we are going to see. It isn’t "good" to think such things, so we can leave more mad at us than at them, which is really counter-productive.

Since psychology became a passion starting at Harvard, I have often been exasperated by therapists. I was given several recommendations by friends after my dad passed away, and always left feeling like I had wasted my time.

Lana pointed out something my first psychology professor told me, that often times, what people need more than anything is a sounding board. Someone who will listen intently no matter what, because often friends who we would like to fill that void simply can’t.

Over the last few years I have come to the conclusion that most therapists do 2 things wrong: They forget this first rule, and they try and systemize.

Many therapists will forget that mostly they need us to listen to what we feel is the problem, and what we don’t need is for them to try and follow a predetermined map. Jokes and exhagerations have been made for a long time about psychologists instantly relating your problems back to childhood, etc.

Very few therapists are able to model their methods to their patients, and as such, it is hard to find one that is a fit. One that is incredible to a friend of mine, might be terrible to me and that wading through the "bad ones" is what keeps people like Lana and I from finding someone actually a good fit for us.

I have come to the conclusion that therapy is a great thing. I think that the long-term relationships you develop with your therapists can really get you over hurdles and help you with your personal development. We are always growing, and having someone there foster that growth can be a great thing. The trick is finding someone who has the right style for you, and who doesn’t allow the relationship to become one of dependence.

Of course, thus far, I have yet to find this match, so I look to my good friends to be that slap in the face when I am blind to my own self. :-)

Turtle in the Hailstorm

Rarely do I take psychological theory and apply it to life and philosophical inquiry, but every once in a while I will be surprised by something that has actual application and isn’t just jargonized filler.

One such instance was the explanation given by Harville Hendrix on the progression of relationship communication. I won’t go through the whole thing here, but one point in particular really made me stop and think. He says that all relationship struggles (friendship or romantic) will undoubtedly turn on person into the Hailstorm, and the other into a Turtle.

The turtle turns inward in a fight. They will withhold their emotions, hide, and avoid the fight if possible. They are the ones who will try and keep the fight outside of themselves, and as he said, will go to bed in the middle of a fight and sleep just fine.

The hailstorm is the opposite. Rather than hide their feelings they start expressing more of them. Sometimes this turns to anger, but often times can simply be an excess of the normal things they are already feeling.

He mentions that both of these tactics are based in an instinctual fear, and that people do this all the time without realizing it.

He says that there is a lot of variation with people. Some people will switch back and forth (sometimes even in the same fight) while others will more often than not fall into one or the other. With friends, I can see where sometimes I am the turtle, but looking over my relationships, I have ALWAYS been a hailstorm in troubled times, and without fail, their inner turtle appears.

It isn’t always fun to realize when you do something instinctually that is for all intents and purposes "the wrong thing to do." In my case, I would try and "wash away" whatever the problems my guy would have, either with logic or my own emotion. The problem of course being that all I did was scare them more, making them turtle more, all the while their turtling scared me more and made me work harder. Talk about a cyclical recipe for disaster.

To hear that this is a natural response doesn’t actually make me feel better, but it is nice that when I see it laid out that I can recognize myself in this and lead towards more growth as a person. Now the trick will be to figure out how to respond to this situation without falling into my own trap while helping them come out of theirs. :)

Home?

So the trip is over, and I return now "home" to New York. The past few months ending with this stint back in Kansas City have certainly solidified something that I have been mulling over for years. I don't have a sense of home. I don't think that I ever have. When I first went to Harvard, I felt a feeling that was very alien to me, and I thought that I had felt at home for the first time. Perhaps that it true, or it is entirely possible that I have never felt that feeling of Home.

Like most true sensations, I think that without experiencing something you can't be sure what it feels like. Sometimes in the interim you think you feel one thing when in fact you are feeling something else entirely. Love is a perfect example. If you have never been in love, you might feel like you are in love simply when you lust after someone, or perhaps feel an incredible comfort from them. Of course once you are in love, you then get to experience all the different types of love, each one meaning something different and having a feeling that is quite distinct from everything else. I imagine it is the same with the feeling of Home.

I am positive now, that I feel comfortable wherever I am. I am not saying that I couldn't feel out of place living in some specific place, but thus far, I have felt comfortable anywhere I have lived. Some might call this feeling at home. Perhaps. In that case, I suppose I have always felt at home, but somehow I doubt it.

I know for sure that I was happier living in Downtown KC than I was living in the suburbs. I know for sure that I am happier now living in New York than I was in Kansas City. I like the lifestyle better, and I am happier overall because of it. But do I feel more at home? I don't think so.

Coming back to Kansas City made me realize how little I missed the place. I missed people for sure, and I miss going out to my favorite bar (of which I have yet to find a better one for me in NYC), but I don't miss Kansas City as a place. Now that I am finally going back to New York, it is apparent to me that I do miss my life in New York, but I am not sure that I am feeling any less at home. Wouldn't I miss it if it was truly one and only Home?

I am pretty positive that I could maintain a mobile life. I have friends that call three or four places home, living there for three or four months at a time, and going onto different things. Some do it for their careers (one friends does shows for a couple months in each city, every year), while others do it just because they can (Brazil for 3 months a year? Sure!). One wonders if they ever feel at home at any of these places. Are they like me? Do they feel comfortable wherever they are? Does this mean they are at home anywhere? Or are they disconnected? If I make that my life would I feel disconnected? Or would I even notice since I have may have never been connected to begin with.

I do notice that I like having something that is mine everywhere. Something about me enjoys not giving up my apartment in KC, or making my family save me a room at their house. Places that are MINE when I am there. I don't need these for fear of needing to escape, or as a safety net, but something about me enjoys having these places, and makes me want more of them. Perhaps it is just more example of my ego wanting to leave it's mark everywhere, or perhaps that is my own subconscious way of making a little bit of Home wherever I go.

One quote has always stuck out to me from the movie "Sweet Home Alabama." A woman in the show says that you can have both Roots and Wings, in this case chasing your dreams in the big city while still having ties to where you grew up, your "Home." Does that mean that both become the true home? Or will one always be temporary, with that urge people talk about when they say they want to go home? *Thank you Michael Buble.

The cliché phrase that finds it's way into arguing against this idea is that "Home is where the Heart is." If you are with the people you love, then anyplace can be your home. I love my family, but I don't feel more at home when I am where they live than I do in NY. I love my friends, but I don't think that Home is based upon which of my many residences has more friends. Could it be that the lack of romantic love is what I am missing? If I had a family of my own would that make this elusive feeling of home come into existence?

I don't know what Home is to me, or what it will end up being. It could be, much like certain earth-shattering all encompassing love is to some people that I am simply aiming for something that isn't true. Maybe it is that I have always felt that feeling of home, but I carry it around inside me, making each location I encounter my own Home. Or perhaps the places where I find more joy in living are Home and that is what people mean. Possibly, I am still searching. With human emotions sometimes I think it is impossible to tell. The best I can do is keep philosophizing, and take things as they come. I do know that my heart is happy to reconnect with the big buildings, busy streets, and vast diversity that is New York City.

2007 Awards

Since this is the beginning of a new year, that means that it's time to hand out some awards from the previous one and look ahead. I like this little quiz because it helps me do just that.

1) DRINKING BUDDY OF THE YEAR: Justin Kennedy and Price. Strangely they both drank with me in NY and KC, are both straight, and both have the tendency to get me to drink things that are on fire!

2) LIFETIME SERVICE AWARD (longest friend): Wow. Tough to gauge. I would say that as far as *good* friends go, this would go to Chris (Curley). Though I have known people longer, I would say that at this point he is the close friend that I have had the longest.

3) NEWCOMER AWARD (newest friend): Should we again go with the good friend? I think so. I would say that Price wins this one. After working with him in Zanna he became one of my favorite people, and I didn't know him at all before this year.

4) HIGH POINT OF THE YEAR: Moving to New York.

5) LOW POINT OF THE YEAR: This was a rough year. I would say more lows than any adult year previous. Lets leave it at that.

6) BEST HOLIDAY: I would say that I had the most fun on Thanksgiving. It definitely isn't my favorite holiday, but this year being with fun people with great food really made it stand out for the year.

7) YOUR SONG FOR 2007: Hmmm. I am not sure on this one. Probably "You Can't Stop the Beat" from Hairspray. Technically it is pre-2007, but since it was released with a new version in the movie, it counts and since my year was rebounding from one problem after another, it is good to think that I can keep going no matter what.

8) MOVIE FOR 2007: 300 and Harry Potter (5) rank way up there, but there were lots of incredible ones.

9) WITH WHOM DID YOU SPEND VALENTINES DAY? Sadly, this one was a loner day.

10) BEST RELATIONSHIP: Hmm. I would have to say that the only romantic relationship that appeared this year ranks as the best, and actually the worst this year. Friends and family relationships were good, but it's hard to beat the high you feel with the right person romantically.

11) WHAT WERE YOU FOR HALLOWEEN? The Joker. Even better was that I partnered up with JVP who went as Poison Ivy.

12) RESTAURANT OF THE YEAR: Bravo. I am not sure that Kellie and I could have survived without it.

13) BOOK OF THE YEAR: Confessor. (Terry Goodkind) I have never been so impressed with the ending of a series in my life. (The Commitment by Dan Savage would be the top of the non-fiction).

14) BEST DECISION MADE THIS YEAR: To move to New York.

15) WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS FOR NEXT YEAR? Get the job I have been waiting for for far too long, and establish a life for myself in NYC.

16) MOST STUPID IDEA WHEN DRUNK: Well, drunk doesn't really fall into my equation, but I would say that the amount of money I spent on drinking without getting drunk was certainly a string of stupid ideas.

17) TV SHOW OF THE YEAR: Tie between Brothers and Sisters and Heroes. Love them both, and they are so different from one another that I think they are each the best in their respective categories… even if I did get jipped on Chapter 2 of Heroes.

18) MOST LOYAL FRIEND: Chris Hahn, no question.

19) BIGGEST CHANGE OF THE YEAR: I would have to use it again, but moving 1300 miles is a pretty big change, oh, and getting out of business certainly counts too.

20) BIGGEST RETARD AWARD: The TV producers who aren't fixing the fact that TV seasons aren't going!

21) NEW YEAR RESOLUTION: Resolution: (Generic, I know, but I got really close last year, I just need that extra push this year) Create a "get and stay in shape" plan that I will actually follow with my crazy schedule. Goal: Find a meaningful romantic relationship that doesn't end in heartache.

In brief, despite the lack of the kiss that I really wanted, it was a great time surrounded by lots of great friends, and of course being at my favorite bar certainly helped. I ended up with very few downer moments and had a great time when all is said and done.

2007 was one of the roughest years of my life. I know that the lessons I have learned will serve me well and that 2008 is going to be the start of a whole new and incredible ball game!