Associated Light

Lately I have had the privilege of being surrounded by some amazing people. Some are new people to my life. Others are long time friends who's lives have taken off in brilliant and amazing ways. Even many of my friends from afar seem to be doing stellar things in the world. Perhaps this has been happening for a long time and I am just realizing it do to a random chain of events, or perhaps new heights are appearing at a similar time. Either way, most of the people in my life are to put it bluntly: rocking it out in their own ways.

I am met with several simultaneous emotions when I look at their impact to the world, and to my life. First, I realize how lucky I am to have these people in my life. Where my life has led me could have gone in millions of different directions, and yet whatever has happened- the good and the bad- has brought me here. I think sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. I have had many struggles and failures in my life to match my successes, but without those, I know that my life would be very different, and more importantly I would probably not know the people that I know now.

The second emotion that I feel is proud of myself. One thing that the great people that I know remind me of is that I deserve to be there. No matter how successful, or famous, or incredible these people are, they choose to keep me in their lives. Even when I am down and out, the fact that these people choose to know me and be my friends proves that I have something to offer.

This "something" that I have to offer brings me to my final, and more complicated feeling. Despite my linguistic proficiency, I am unable to place into a word what this feeling is. The last few weeks have brought me both frustration at where I'm at and a desire and drive to push forward and do more. For the first time these two aspects seem to be melded into a single emotion, that keeps me a little bewildered. Regardless, suffice to say that I know that I need to meet the challenge that has been unintentionally laid out before me. Dark times have hit. What I need to remember is that fire always gives off light and heat and chases the darkness away. Hiding from myself or my struggles will not push back the darkness or lead me to new places. It is the moments when I forget that I live my life by fire, both internally and externally that I lose sight of where I'm going, and my ability to get there.

Darkness can only live in the absence of light. My friends have reminded me that my light shines even when I forget it's there. It is time to reignite myself and be everything that I am. It's time to once again see exactly how brightly I can burn.

100 Little Cuts

It is interesting how human makeup varies so much externally vs. internally.

When our bodies are injured, it is almost always one significant injury that our body can't cope with. When we are faced with little wounds all over, our body has an amazing ability to repair itself. Only when one thing is so damaging will our body normally give out.

When it comes to our hearts and minds though- our emotional well being, the opposite is completely true. Though some significant events such as the loss of a child, etc can be crippling, we are more likely to collapse under the weight of 100 minor stresses. When we face a seriously traumatic experience, our mind has many defense mechanisms that kick into place to keep us afloat. Though sometimes these are only stopgap measures that must eventually be dealt with, we have an amazing resilience to bounce back and not stay mired in internal pain.

Unfortunately what often creeps up on us and we are far less capable of handling is the small things that sneak in under our radar. Nearly everyone I have ever met with clinical depression comes as a result not of a significant trama, but from a life filled with tiny debilitating stresses.

Beyond our own inability to recognize and defend ourselves from these small but multiplicative strains, we often can't reach out to our greatest source of healing: each other. When a major catastrophic event happens in one's life, they are able to turn to their friends and family in a way that sometimes they never have before. Sometimes, this even creates light out of the darkness. This closeness and this aid helps us heal in ways that we never could have on our own.

The problem with the smaller stressors is two-fold. One, we often don't recognize their effect on us, so we don't reach out. Secondly, when we do reach out, it is often met with very little sympathy or support. "Yes, yes, you have problems with you're kids. Don't we all?" or even worse "Oh, I totally agree about your money problems, listen to how bad mine are." When we are confronted with our friends' and families' smaller problems, we find it easy to dismiss them or to compare them to our own problems. This not only doesn't allow someone the comfort and support that we need, but also helps them undermine their own process. If we don't think that their problems are important, it shows them that they aren't important either, forcing them to be swept aside, until that pile of discard is so large it collapses on top of us.

This is the crux of the problem. We don't focus on the small details, our friends encourage this behavior, and yet as such we aren't prepared for the deluge when it hits us. Even worse is if we already have a pile of unaddressed issues and then we are faced with something larger. Perhaps the reason that our body is so much more effective at dealing with the small problems is that it always deals with them. Imagine if every time you got a cut, your body just ignored it. After all it's only a small problem. How long would it be before you had so many "tiny" injuries that you bled to death? How much worse would a major injury be if you're already bleeding from 100 smaller cuts?

When someone goes through a divorce, or is faced with a major problem or huge disappointment, our ability to deal with it is severely handicapped if we are struggling under the weight of all the things that we have forgotten are problems in our life.

So what's the brilliant solution waiting to be revealed? Strangely even psychologists don't have a brilliant answer to this one. Dealing with our problems is always a healthy solution, but when that isn't a viable option (money issues, etc.) it can be hard to let a wound heal. One thing for sure is to make sure that we give strong consideration to what our friends are going through. And whenever possible, we need to try and see if there is a solution to any of our problems. Putting a band-aid on may cover it up, but if the splinter is still in, it will just go deeper and deeper until it gets infected. Try and see if it is within your power to remove the splinter, and of course, ask for help. Letting people help is us one of the surest ways to make our own loads lighter, and hey! That's what friends are for. Don't let yourself be convinced that just because your problem is small, it shouldn't be dealt with. Life may not be perfect, but we sure can try to make it as close as possible!

Do we choose our friends?

It is interesting what circumstances will do to your life that you don't expect. For example, who would imagine that going through a hard break up would make me take stock of my friends? Perhaps the universe decided that it was simply a great opportunity to address this issue, or it could be- as my friend informed me- a bi-product of turning 30 this year. Regardless, I have looked at the people in my life, and those that are noticeably missing, and more than anything I have to wonder how much we really choose our friends.

We have all had experiences where someone we are close to has friends that no one around them can understand. What do they see in that person? What is the basis for their friendship? The scary answer might be that for many "friends" that we have, the answer to the latter is "nothing."A long time ago, a friend told me that often times those we call friends are more often than not "friends of convenience." He said that only those rarest of friends are actually what one might consider a "true" friend. Do we really just end up with people we call our friends because they are around all the time? Doing so takes away the depth of our friendships as well as the choice that we have, leading us to look around at the people in our life and asking "How did I end up with these friends?"

I am a friendly guy. I make friends quickly. I also am social enough that many of my friends meet one another. Lately I have looked at some of the friendships that have spawned from that and wondered "Why?" The sad fact may simply be that many of them become friends simply because they are at the same bar with the same people. How can you not be friends with someone you see all the time? I am just as guilty of the "friend by association" phenomenon. When you make friends with in a circle, it's hard not to take on all the others too. Sometimes this can be a great thing. Adding to your circle of friends can make everyone happy, and enhance all of your lives. The problem comes when it just happens because it happens, not because we're making a conscious decision to hold these people in our lives.

There is of course nothing wrong with making a lot of friends and being friendly. The problem comes when we fail to separate those whom we can enjoy and be friendly with and those who are the true friends in our lives. The most important distinction that should appear is time. One thing I realized is that often I would end up spending times with a bunch of random acquaintances and not near as much with those who are truly good friends. This has led me to miss out on some great friendships, and from deepening the ones that I have. If we look at someone we call a friend and we can't figure out a reason for us to be friends, chances are we should be looking at them as an acquaintance and give each other the attention that title deserves. Forgetting this can become a serious problem, and also lead to sort of a revolving door of friends constantly passing in and out of our lives.

The other negative side to this coin is in people that we should be friends with. There are a few people in particular that I knew the moment I met them and talked to them that we would make great friends. The fact of the matter is that often I never deepened our relationship, completely due to circumstances. If I were to compare that to a romantic interest, it is the exact opposite of what I would do. Seems silly to have such a dichotomy about things that are truly very similar. We wouldn't simply be in a relationship with someone because they were there. Why would we do the same with friendships?

When we meet people, there is always some sort of chemistry. We talk about this a lot when we look at romantic relationships, but friendships are really no different. One friend of mine called me his intellectual soul mate. He and I will never share a bed, but in the meeting of minds we connect on an incredibly deep level. By ignoring these connections and allowing ourselves to hang out with whomever is around, we in effect are doing no more for ourselves than we would if all we did was go on casual dates with everyone we met.

Friendships are a form of relationships. Unlike those we have with our families, and those we fall in love with, we truly have complete choice in who we are friends with. We need to remember this and allow ourselves to have truly powerful relationships in this area of our life as well. Convenient friends are... well... convenient. The fact of the matter is that when it comes down to it, they will rarely bring anything to your life, nor you to theirs. They are filler space, and that makes us filler space to them as well. Much like empty calories, they are fine in moderation, but if that's all we're partaking in, we are never going to be very healthy.

Stand by Me

This weekend got me thinking a lot about the people that are there for us in our lives. What happens when the people that you count on aren't there? I think that may be one of the hardest thing in any situation. Something major going on in your life, and the thing you need the most is a friend, who isn't there. I certainly know that some things you have to go through on your own, but I would like to think that there are people that can always be counted on. Maybe there is no such thing. I know that I am not always there when people want me, but I would like to think that I am there when the chips are down, and someone I care about needs me to be there. Maybe that is too much optimizing.

I don't really want to belabor the point, I just am greatly frustrated at the moment, and I wonder what it is that I am missing. Many of my closest friends honestly are consistently absent from my life when I need them, whereas others are there for me when I don't expect it, and for the most part aren't really all that close to me. Should it matter? Am I making poor decisions in friends? What about family? Sometimes I think maybe I expect too much. I am probably somewhat unrealistic, but I feel that if a person really wants to, they can make things happen. If my friends or family wanted to be there, I think that they could. I believe that the world is malleable, and I suppose if you don't see it that way it is easy to say "I can't." I try and understand this, but its really hard, especially when I am down.

One person in particular that is phenomenal at standing me up always has good reasons, but they are starting to feel like good excuses. At what point do I stop being understanding, and start reevaluating our relationship? Speaking of relationships, how strong of a relationship can you have, especially beyond friendship, that doesn't have both parties consistently there for one another.

I believe that I can take on the world by myself when I have to, but I don't believe that a man has to walk this world alone. It would be nice to know that I had people in my life that would be there for me, no matter what.

Connections

During and since the holidays I have been thinking a lot about family and the connections between people. Family often creates strong bonds, some of which many people say are virtually unbreakable. For a long time, the connection was were synonymous with blood.  Family names were incredibly important, and even kingdoms were handed down from father to son. As time has passed families have become more complex, many families are not made up of only blood relatives. So what effect does this alteration of families have on their connections?

The underlying question I have is what is it that bonds people together? Family is the reason I began thinking about it, but it extends a lot further than that. When I studied Psychology in Boston, even my professor said that there is a lot if speculation as to what it is that brings people together and perhaps more importantly what keeps them together. He asked which is true: "opposites attract" or "birds of a feather flock together." Interesting question. Is it our similarities that bind us, or our differences? Perhaps something else altogether?

Is blood one of those things? Of course it can make sense. But then again, there certainly are convincing stories about step and adoptive children meaning as much or even more to them as their blood relatives. Then again, when "family" is technically legal contracts, what is there about that that can make connections? Which brings me to one of my points: should relatives have an innate bond? If one of your family members is someone that you would normally not have a relationship with, should you create one because they are related to you? Lets sat that you think you should. Then lets say that you have this relationship. Does it mean that this relationship should be stronger than one you create when there is "nothing" innately there to begin with? Should my brother mean more than my best friend? Sometimes I don't know what I think about the people in my life, and I wonder if I shouldn't have some innate connection with people that I don't while on the other hand have strong connections with people that maybe I shouldn't. How many people have "loved the wrong person?" I don't think that there is any clear answer but I find it interesting and challenging to try to think and reason about affairs of the heart which may have no logical explanation whatsoever.

The value of a listener

It is interesting to me how the darker it is, the more difference that a small amount of light can make. This is obviously true literally, but possibly even more so figuratively. When things are going bad in someone's life, a small change to the better, can seem so much more significant. Especially when that light comes from a person. When I am having a bad day, or even more when I am on a downward spiral with life's frustrations, some people have the power to make all the difference.

As I am sure that you know, I am a pretty buoyant person. Day-to-day, I am pretty much "up." The problem is, that since I also think a great deal, when something goes seriously wrong, if I don't immediately pull myself up, it is really easy to think my way to the abyss of my soul. When looking on a problem that deeply effects me, it normally resembles or even has sources in other areas of my life. When thinking about one too much, it leads me to think of others, and since I am constantly putting problems in the back of my mind, it is almost like karma gets me back by making all of them come up with brutal intensity. Sometimes it overwhelms me for a night, while others it comes and goes for quite a while, despite my intentions to overcome my own thoughts.

It probably goes without saying that most people don't want to be around during these times in my life, and when they are, they certainly want to divert the subject from anything that might be bothering me. I think I have mentioned once before, but there are times when it would be nice for people to actually listen and care, and recently I had one of those nights. This time, for possibly the first time ever, things were different. When I was asked, I realized that I was slightly in disbelief, and although I desperately wanted to talk, I was nervous about talking about bad things. I am not sure exactly why, but it was certainly there.

When he pushed and prodded, I resisted without even knowing why, and yet instead of being happy to be given an easy way out, he worked even harder to get to the bottom of what was bothering me so much. When I finally started talking, it was like a great damn had broken, and my very essence was rushing forth. There was a lot that I still held back, I think because no matter how blindly optimistic I am, it is still hard to trust people, but what I said was met with enthusiasm and interest. He challenged me to look at things differently. He didn't offer false hopes, or even solutions, but he engaged me, showing me that in that moment, we were sharing my problem. It was one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever experienced.

That night didn't really solve my problems, but I felt better nonetheless. In addition to that, I started to look around, and take in the small things that I have always enjoyed even more. The smiles from random people as well as ones that I care about. The contact between one person and another. The joy of trying something new. Small things all, but to me so very valuable. I have always cared about the small things, but for some reason, as bad as things were, they seemed all the more apparent, and all the more important. I hope that I give the people in my life some of the same feelings as I felt when I was in my dark little hole. Whether simply with a smile, or a good ear, I hope that I a make a difference. I know that I have said similar things before, but for one, I feel it is really important, and two, its what was on my mind, so that's what I wrote about. Hope you still enjoyed.

Worthwhile moments

Today as I was checking my e-mail, I got one of those forwards from one of my friends that are traditionally very cheesy. When I read this one though, I really liked what it said. You know, sometimes it's not such a horrible thing to be reminded of some good things. Cheesy? Maybe; but that doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile every once in a while. So, I thought I would share this with you, and then talk about it some more. Even if you aren't someone who normally reads things like this, take a minute and do so. It might make you think.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday. I had a late breakfast. It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.

We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.

The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to", "I plan on" , and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.  

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch?

Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say "Hi"? When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.

Hear the music before the song is over.

Okay, so it was still sappy, but a lot of it is really important. I know I have talked before about lost friends and how much it hurts. I like a few things in particular. "When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?" I think that more often than not we don't. How many times does the person respond "Okay"? More often than not, this is a standard response, and we just go one with the rest of the conversation. Regardless of what the answer is, there is always more information behind what they said. "Not bad," probably means that there is something bothering them. If you really care how they are, follow up.

Think about when someone says they have "Had a rough day." How often do you agree and launch into your own tale of woe? Often people will try and get someone to listen to them only to find out that they aren't going to get it. When I took Psychology at Harvard, I had an amazing professor, and he told us that the best thing that a psychologist could do was listen. He said that almost no one had someone who would actually listen to them. I thought to prove him wrong, and so I called some very significant people that night, wanting to talk about some of the problems I had. They included my best friend and my parents. Not one of them listened for more than 2 minutes before turning to their own conversations. I went to bed in tears, feeling truly alone. I try to watch myself and catch me from doing things like that to others. Trust me, I know it's hard, but I also think it's worth it.

I don't necessarily agree that you should take life slower, but I think that if you have to make time for the things that you enjoy, and take time for yourself. On top of that, I think that if you take a little more time doing for other people, you will feel much better. I would like to think that there is something within human nature that improves the way we feel about ourselves when we help others. A small effort can turn someone's day completely around. A simple smile or a kind word can go a long way. More than anything, everyone can offer, and can use a sympathetic ear. Listening is one of the best things that you can do for someone else as well as for yourself. I highly recommend it.

Well, I went on that strain for long enough. I am going to go enjoy the rest of my Thursday night.

From the view of friends

You know what's interesting? I have for the last couple of days thought about all the things that I want to write about, but with getting back form DC and work, etc. I haven't had a chance, and so now I am at a loss as to where to start.

Actually, something that has been constantly nagging me is the worry I have for a really good friend of mine. Now that I think about it, I can think of several people who fall into the same general category, and that is that they are surrounded by people who don't have their best interests at heart and consistently give them bad advice. Actually, in most cases it is worse than bad advice. It's more like they present a bad view of the world, and force their mind set on those around them.

I would say that even if the viewpoint wasn't necessarily negative, it would still bother me that it was forced upon others, but in this case, I am certain that the two prime examples I can think of are BAD. The dilemma you face when dealing with people in these situations is that they think that what they are thinking is their idea. Time and time again, studies have shown that the human mind will actually beleive something if you hear it enough. One of the hardest thing that one can do in their lives is to go against the mindset that they are immersed in.

Take for example one of my friends who was visiting me from the military. We went out, and met one of the guys who is in his unit. Of course because of the despicable nature of "Don't Ask Don't Tell," it was of course impossible for the "guy" to know that my friend was gay. Before we went to the bar, my friend called me, told me the situation, informing me that of course, I could go with him, because I acted "normal." Apparently, I wasn't allowed to be gay either, because that might indicate something. So I "played it straight." Granted, this is not an entirely difficult thing for me, but it agrivated me that I had to do it. Given the nature of our friendship and the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while I let it slide.

In the same trip, my friend went with some other friends and I to a bar. When we were there, we were commenting on the quality of the bar, and comparing it to others. He compared it to the bars he had gone to while away, but said of course that they were "normal" bars (the bar we were at was predominately gay). For some reason, his second casual use of the word normal set me off. At the time I only made a small comment on it, but it truly made me angry.

You see, I use this as an example to show that this person, who has been a friend of mine for a few years, went away several months ago. Although he was still in many ways the same guy that sparked such a good friendship, there were many subtle differences that bothered me greatly. The thing was, he didn't even realize what he was doing. Where he was, being straight for example, was not just more common, it was normal. This of course made everything elseabnormal. Comming from another straight man this would have been hard enough, but hearing it from a good gay friend of mine was very troublesome.

That entire story was just bringing to the point what I was talking about. My friend's words, and even thoughts were being changed in ways he didn't even recognize. The more I think about it, there are many more in similar situations. One of my sisters is in a rough relationship where her opinion is de-valued and un appreciated. She has lately stopped having much of an opinion of her own, and when you ask her about it, she seems not to know what you are talking about. I would say that relationships and the military are the easiest places for this to happen. One of the people I met in traveling last year is in a bad relationship, all of his friends know it, and yet he has been so intimidated that he actually thinks he is happy depsite the fact that he is constantly miserable.

So back to the initial problem, when people that you care about are in these situations, fooled into believing that they are content, or happy, or being made to see the world in a way that is so different from who they really are, what do you do? Talking to them makes them defend the very thing that is causeing the problem, more than likely making it worse in the process... And yet I can't feel right sitting idley by. I talked last night to a friend in such a situation, and I could hear in his voice the anguish that he was covering up, all the while telling me that he had worked things out and was on a track that made him happy. Of course his version of working things out was to go to the source of the problem for advice, which of course, being the cause of the misery, gave advice that exasperated, or redirected it, without solving anything.

I am sorry if this is less of what you wanted to hear, but afterall, it is my journal, which means sometimes I have to use it to think out my own problems. I don't necessariy plan to come up with a brilliant answer when I type (although that would be nice), but it is nice just to play things out every once in a while. It's especially nice to have you, my invisible sounding board. Well, I am off for now. Till next time...

Importance of people

Isn't it strange how stress has to be dispelled while happiness seems to fade all on its own? Seems rather unfair if you ask me. This thought came to me as I started to write because today was very stressful, but this weekend was nothing but joy. The sad thing was that as the weekend ended and today came, the giddy happiness that had claimed hold of me was vanishing. Later on, that feeling was replaced with stress, which I have worked hard to reduce this evening. This disparity seems frustratingly sided against what is in our best interest. Maybe it just goes to show you that you have to hold on to the joys in your life... and maybe more importantly the people who make them.

I can definitely acknowledge the latter part of that statement considering that the bulk of my positive time this weekend was due to the fact that I spent it with a person who never ceases to bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. It's amazing how there are just some people that enter your life that can always move you more than you can explain. I don't know for sure what this can be attributed to, but whatever force it is, I must say that it is compelling. No one can ever say what the future will bring, but I am sure that if we are able to find and hold onto the people like that in our lives, our world would seem that much better.

Heh. It's interesting how many thoughts run through my mind when I think or talk about these subjects... and this person. The more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have people like him in my life. The road we have traveled together has been littered with mines, and yet when we are together, the trials and time between us seem to fade away into nothing. There are few people who can ever have that effect, and I have to say that they are the greatest friends, and therefore the greatest treasures in all the world.

I get angry at myself to think of all the people I have inadvertently let slip out of my life. What if one of them could be such a great friend to me? What if I could be that friend to them? There are so many ridiculous things in life that get in the way of the things- the people we should really be focusing on. Life's uncertaintly only further creates the need for us to hold on to the bonds we make. I must say that I am not necessarily the best at doing this. Even with the friend I saw this weekend, part of our estrangement was my own fault. Due to circumstances, I was unable to give the same time to him that I did before. Now, distance more than time seperates us, and I would give anything to have the time I gave up back. Although his case is quite special, it is not unique. I could make a list of family members and friends over the years that I have lost touch with simply because "the real world" intruded upon us. The time I spent at Harvard comes to mind. While there, I made friends from all across the world. The time we spent together was amazing. Were you to ask me then, I would say that I would be friends with most of them for the rest of my life. Flash forward to the presesnt, and I haven't seen anyone since we left school, and I only even talk to one or two of them at all, none with the regularity I should.

Well, this is certainly not the direction I had intended this to go. I suppose that's the joy and plight of writing what you think and feel: sometimes your heart and mind take you to places you never wanted to explore. Maybe having finally written this down I will be able to hold myself to some of the efforts I so often promise myself that I will make. I mean of course this is not the first time I have felt the need to bridge the gaps that have seperated those in my life, but it never fails that all my attempts fizzle out as time goes on and "things come up." I hear all the time that the best way to set goals is to write them down, and even better if you tell someone about them. Perhaps this will kind of work along the same lines. I am writing, and I am telling people... Maybe when I write in this journal and I think about what I have written before, I will remember my commitment, and it will stay with me. I am not naieve enough to believe that things will not come up, and that there won't be gaps I can't bridge, but at least this way, maybe the effort will produce something. Maybe it will bring back someone to my life, and me to theirs.

Okay! Enough for now. I will know next time to be careful what I write when thinking about someone that I deeply care for. The depth of those feelings seem to be able to unearth an even more random set of cheesy musings than normal (and as you know, for me, that is certainly saying something). So for now, I bid you adieu.

My Cobiashi Maru

So... I am in Chicago, a city that I always have a good time in, and yet for some reason, this specific trip seems to be frustrating me greatly. This is not because of anything bad about the trip itself, but rather the things that I am constantly thinking about while I am here. I have always agreed with the premise that we become more open-minded and more thoughtful when we travel, in fact it is one of my favorite things about traveling. This trip, however is making me very pensive, and almost melancholy as I think about a great many things. There is more than I could possibly bore you with all at once, so I think that I might just do one topic at a time... I have just realized that I have never put so many personal thoughts online before, and I may kick myself tomorrow. I guess only time will tell.

I think the thing that is most prevelant in my thoughts is my own Cobiashi Maru, or the unwinnable scenario. I always think that people have choices in their actions, though fate makes cercumstances, our free will allows us the final say in what we actually do. As such, I have never had much belief in an unbeatable situation. Unfortunately, I now know that sometimes, there is no good answer, and we are forced to make decisions that may come back to haunt us. Looking back, I realize that I have made a great many of these decisions.

Let me give you the most prevelant example. I was forced to chose between two friends. As any of you who know me already know, I know (okay, 3 'knows'? and I call myself a writer) a great many people, and of course, people say a lot of things without thinking. As such, I am privy to a large amount of information. Sometimes more than I want. What on earth are you supposed to do when you have information that should you reveal it will betray a friend, but at the same time, keeping such information hidden when you have it will betray another? In the strongest of these instances, I am sure that the future happiness of an individual rested on being given this information, and yet I could not betray my friend. How now can I justify the betrayl to the one that will be so adversely affected?How can you make that decision? Do you chose the one who you have known longer? Maybe the one who is the better friend? Both of these seem a bit arbitrary to me. What about chosing based upon who you think is innocent, or "in the right"? I think that this method may have merit, but then again, that is rather arrogant to think that I have the right to say who is right and who is wrong.

I can tell you what I have done, though maybe I shouldn't. I decided that I could not see someone come to pain, especially when he was so wronged, by my silence. This friend made it difficult to keep my silence, as he could tell that I was bothered by something. I am too brutally honest for my own good. So it was that I confirmed to him the questions he asked me. In some ways, it came down to me being unable to lie. At the same time, trying to be true to the other friend, I did not provide any information I was not asked for, despite the fact that there was a great deal more to be said on the subject.

In retrospect, I regret my decision greatly. I cannot help but think about the friend I betrayed and the guilt that goes along with it. In addition, I also regret- having said so much- not "sealing the deal" and providing all the information. Now, both of them are hurt, and I carry a heavy dose of guilt. Whew. That was a bit too heavy for me. If you made it this far, maybe the story of my plight may help you someday. Or maybe you think I am a horrible person... I guess that's the risk you run when opening you heart to the world. I guess the only grace I can ask is that you remember before you judge too harshly that all I ever wanted or tried to do was what was best for those I cared about...

Well, until next time... or until I delete this entry...