My Cobiashi Maru

So... I am in Chicago, a city that I always have a good time in, and yet for some reason, this specific trip seems to be frustrating me greatly. This is not because of anything bad about the trip itself, but rather the things that I am constantly thinking about while I am here. I have always agreed with the premise that we become more open-minded and more thoughtful when we travel, in fact it is one of my favorite things about traveling. This trip, however is making me very pensive, and almost melancholy as I think about a great many things. There is more than I could possibly bore you with all at once, so I think that I might just do one topic at a time... I have just realized that I have never put so many personal thoughts online before, and I may kick myself tomorrow. I guess only time will tell.

I think the thing that is most prevelant in my thoughts is my own Cobiashi Maru, or the unwinnable scenario. I always think that people have choices in their actions, though fate makes cercumstances, our free will allows us the final say in what we actually do. As such, I have never had much belief in an unbeatable situation. Unfortunately, I now know that sometimes, there is no good answer, and we are forced to make decisions that may come back to haunt us. Looking back, I realize that I have made a great many of these decisions.

Let me give you the most prevelant example. I was forced to chose between two friends. As any of you who know me already know, I know (okay, 3 'knows'? and I call myself a writer) a great many people, and of course, people say a lot of things without thinking. As such, I am privy to a large amount of information. Sometimes more than I want. What on earth are you supposed to do when you have information that should you reveal it will betray a friend, but at the same time, keeping such information hidden when you have it will betray another? In the strongest of these instances, I am sure that the future happiness of an individual rested on being given this information, and yet I could not betray my friend. How now can I justify the betrayl to the one that will be so adversely affected?How can you make that decision? Do you chose the one who you have known longer? Maybe the one who is the better friend? Both of these seem a bit arbitrary to me. What about chosing based upon who you think is innocent, or "in the right"? I think that this method may have merit, but then again, that is rather arrogant to think that I have the right to say who is right and who is wrong.

I can tell you what I have done, though maybe I shouldn't. I decided that I could not see someone come to pain, especially when he was so wronged, by my silence. This friend made it difficult to keep my silence, as he could tell that I was bothered by something. I am too brutally honest for my own good. So it was that I confirmed to him the questions he asked me. In some ways, it came down to me being unable to lie. At the same time, trying to be true to the other friend, I did not provide any information I was not asked for, despite the fact that there was a great deal more to be said on the subject.

In retrospect, I regret my decision greatly. I cannot help but think about the friend I betrayed and the guilt that goes along with it. In addition, I also regret- having said so much- not "sealing the deal" and providing all the information. Now, both of them are hurt, and I carry a heavy dose of guilt. Whew. That was a bit too heavy for me. If you made it this far, maybe the story of my plight may help you someday. Or maybe you think I am a horrible person... I guess that's the risk you run when opening you heart to the world. I guess the only grace I can ask is that you remember before you judge too harshly that all I ever wanted or tried to do was what was best for those I cared about...

Well, until next time... or until I delete this entry...