From the view of friends

You know what's interesting? I have for the last couple of days thought about all the things that I want to write about, but with getting back form DC and work, etc. I haven't had a chance, and so now I am at a loss as to where to start.

Actually, something that has been constantly nagging me is the worry I have for a really good friend of mine. Now that I think about it, I can think of several people who fall into the same general category, and that is that they are surrounded by people who don't have their best interests at heart and consistently give them bad advice. Actually, in most cases it is worse than bad advice. It's more like they present a bad view of the world, and force their mind set on those around them.

I would say that even if the viewpoint wasn't necessarily negative, it would still bother me that it was forced upon others, but in this case, I am certain that the two prime examples I can think of are BAD. The dilemma you face when dealing with people in these situations is that they think that what they are thinking is their idea. Time and time again, studies have shown that the human mind will actually beleive something if you hear it enough. One of the hardest thing that one can do in their lives is to go against the mindset that they are immersed in.

Take for example one of my friends who was visiting me from the military. We went out, and met one of the guys who is in his unit. Of course because of the despicable nature of "Don't Ask Don't Tell," it was of course impossible for the "guy" to know that my friend was gay. Before we went to the bar, my friend called me, told me the situation, informing me that of course, I could go with him, because I acted "normal." Apparently, I wasn't allowed to be gay either, because that might indicate something. So I "played it straight." Granted, this is not an entirely difficult thing for me, but it agrivated me that I had to do it. Given the nature of our friendship and the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while I let it slide.

In the same trip, my friend went with some other friends and I to a bar. When we were there, we were commenting on the quality of the bar, and comparing it to others. He compared it to the bars he had gone to while away, but said of course that they were "normal" bars (the bar we were at was predominately gay). For some reason, his second casual use of the word normal set me off. At the time I only made a small comment on it, but it truly made me angry.

You see, I use this as an example to show that this person, who has been a friend of mine for a few years, went away several months ago. Although he was still in many ways the same guy that sparked such a good friendship, there were many subtle differences that bothered me greatly. The thing was, he didn't even realize what he was doing. Where he was, being straight for example, was not just more common, it was normal. This of course made everything elseabnormal. Comming from another straight man this would have been hard enough, but hearing it from a good gay friend of mine was very troublesome.

That entire story was just bringing to the point what I was talking about. My friend's words, and even thoughts were being changed in ways he didn't even recognize. The more I think about it, there are many more in similar situations. One of my sisters is in a rough relationship where her opinion is de-valued and un appreciated. She has lately stopped having much of an opinion of her own, and when you ask her about it, she seems not to know what you are talking about. I would say that relationships and the military are the easiest places for this to happen. One of the people I met in traveling last year is in a bad relationship, all of his friends know it, and yet he has been so intimidated that he actually thinks he is happy depsite the fact that he is constantly miserable.

So back to the initial problem, when people that you care about are in these situations, fooled into believing that they are content, or happy, or being made to see the world in a way that is so different from who they really are, what do you do? Talking to them makes them defend the very thing that is causeing the problem, more than likely making it worse in the process... And yet I can't feel right sitting idley by. I talked last night to a friend in such a situation, and I could hear in his voice the anguish that he was covering up, all the while telling me that he had worked things out and was on a track that made him happy. Of course his version of working things out was to go to the source of the problem for advice, which of course, being the cause of the misery, gave advice that exasperated, or redirected it, without solving anything.

I am sorry if this is less of what you wanted to hear, but afterall, it is my journal, which means sometimes I have to use it to think out my own problems. I don't necessariy plan to come up with a brilliant answer when I type (although that would be nice), but it is nice just to play things out every once in a while. It's especially nice to have you, my invisible sounding board. Well, I am off for now. Till next time...