Asked for Advice

In brief, my birthday was less than I hoped for, but I made some new friends, and am going to have a real party when I get to K.C.

In other, and more interesting news, I have applied to be an advice panelist for Out, Inc. It is just a little side thing, but I think as much as I love writing and being opinionated, it will be an enjoyable thing for me. Ihad three question I was given to respond to. I thought it might be interesting to see them and there responses, so I decided to post them. The letters are numbered with my response following.

1. I've been seeing a guy off and on for about six months and I've noticed a disturbing pattern happening. I'm extremely attracted to him and we spend a lot of time at each other's apartments. But I have noticed that he's not the cleanest person on earth -- in fact, his apartment is downright filthy. When we started dating, he kept his place clean, but now that it's been six months, he doesn't seem to be putting any effort into cleaning before I come over. I've made jokes about it and he's "come clean" to me that he's always been sort of a slob. He's said he'd work on it, but he doesn't seem to be making any effort. Now it's at the point where his dirty habits are starting to affect how I feel about him -- but see, I really like everything else about him. How should I proceed? Do I lay down the law? Or should I just try to suck it up? Remember, this is someone I have deep feelings for. Help!

Mr. Clean-

Cleanliness can be a brutal relationship killer without anyone realizing it. Props to you for addressing it now. I guarantee laying down the law is the single worst thing that you can do. If his mom couldn't control this, chances are you can't either. Trying to force a 180 causes anger and makes you remind the man you're sleeping with of his mother.

Chances are his messiness is centered around things he doesn't like to do or doesn't care about. Keeping things clean initially was probably to make you happy, but no one can pretend forever. Try not to fault him, but let him know it matters to you and maybe he will care a little more.

For things you simply can't deal with, encouraging him to make subtle changes may be the ticket. Speaking as a master of disorganization myself, changing a few small habits, or locations of key things (hampers, etc.) makes a big difference, especially when it's easier to stay neat than not. Small things are really what make big changes, and if you are helping him make progress instead of scolding him, he will respond better and give you more of the results you want.

2. I've been single for a while now, mostly because I'm choosy. However, one of my friends introduced me to a friend of his, and we really hit it off. He's everything I want -- smart, funny, charming -- and it's also the most amazing sex I've ever had. The bad news is this: As I continue to get to know him, it's become clear to me that he has slept with just about everybody I know. Look, I don't want to pass judgment on that, but I have to be honest ¿ there's a part of me that feels like he's a total slut. The good news is he says he's really into me, has acknowledged his "past," and says he wants to be monogamous with me. I really want to get behind that and trust him, but am wondering how I am going to get past this, you know? What if we're at a party and I realize that he's slept with half the people there?

Choosy-

Smart, funny, charming, and after everyone he's slept with he chooses you? Sounds like a big shot of confidence. Seriously, you can't always fault people for their past without cutting a lot of amazing people out of your life. And as a gay man, do you really think you're going to find someone good looking that hasn't had some measure of a "slut phase"? Most of us go through it and go on to have great lasting relationships. I would say that since he has been upfront with you, that's a good thing and you should trust him until he gives you reason not to. Think of it this way, he's been around the block, which means he knows what he's looking for. That kind of stability is hard to find.

If you can get over the trust issue but are still nervous, try this: Any time you find yourself facing someone at a party he slept with, remind yourself that you are the one that has your guy now. You're the one he's going home with tonight, and you're the one he wants. No better recipe for getting over something than a big old fashioned shot of ego.

3. I met someone recently and the attraction was immediate. Trust me -- on our first few dates, we couldn't even look at each other without feeling this urgent attraction. He's amazing, and we also have everything in common -- we just look at each other googley-eyed all the time. We've messed around a few times already and it's so passionate. But here's the problem: We're both tops. And I don't mean versatile tops, I mean we're both 100 percent top-tops. We've talked about this, but the issue does seem to have put up some sort of barrier between us. See, for now, it's fine and it's not a big deal. But if this relationship actually goes somewhere -- which I think it might -- this could become a really big deal. Do I end this now, or do I stick with it and try to work it out. And how the heck do I work this out?

Totally Top-

Your problem is certainly one that a lot of us have dealt with. Without defined roles, it is no surprise that you're going to find someone that doesn't take the role you're used to your partner taking. The good thing is that most gay men don't have to have anal sex to have an amazing sex life. Though the percentages vary, studies show that many guys don't like that kind of action, or simply don't prefer it, even with their long-term partners. The question you have to ask yourselves is can you be one of these couples?

It sounds like you both have a lot of fun together without topping one another. It doesn't sound like either of you are the type of guys who can only get off with anal sex. With such a great range of activities you can engage in together, you only have to ask if that's going to be enough. For a lot of guys it certainly can be. So long as you can continue pleasing each other, keep on trucking, and don't let yourselves get hung up on something that only is an issue in the hypothetical.

Too much like a conservative straight woman?

Well, the fact that I am sitting here writing this at Starbucks means that the jury is still out on the success of my birthday. Undoubtedly tomorrow will bring some sort of posting on the good or ills of my day.

I find myself at a point of reevaluating some of my long held beliefs. It started slowly, as I was time and time again confronted with friends that worked outside what I thought were the ideal ways to handle a relationship, but ended with a bang. I have been reading Dan Savage's new book, The Commitment. Like his previous The Kid, it is sort of a personal memoir about something he and his partner have experienced and how they dealt with it. When I read The Kid I was made aware of various problems in parenting, both in general and specifically as a gay man and had some very thought provoking moments as I read it. The same has held true with his most recent book.

There are lots of things that I am bound to think about, and I am sure that at some point I will get around to many of the other points in later writing, but right now, I have only one focus: monogamy, and lasting relationships.

I have always held the idea that a real relationship is one where monogamy is mandatory. No questions. When I dated Daniel, I was challenged to a degree in this belief, but in all of our time together, we really never had to confront it head on, so I pretty much was able to continue to float along with my opinion. Since that time, I have if anything strengthened this position, asserting that the only way to have a truly lasting and healthy relationship was to be 100% committed to each other and no one else.

Now a few friends who have known me well pointed out the fact that no matter what my opinion was in theory, and no matter how much I might not cheat, they were absolutely positive that my boyfriend cheating on me would not be a deal breaker. I am too forgiving and would rather have the relationship succeed than one night of weakness to destroy all we had built. They are probably right, but as of yet, I haven't had to test this hypothesis.

As I mentioned, several friends in long-term relationships that don't necessarily believe in monogamy have recently come into sharp conflict with my opinions. Some are to the point where I would simply get angry, feeling they were betraying themselves and whoever they were with. The angrier I got, the more I had to wonder if this wasn't a case of me using anger to hide the fact that in light of their success I was losing logical ground. I hate losing logical ground, and if I was indeed overcompensating with anger, this was a bad sign indeed.

Dan was the catalyst that ensured that I really had to come to grips with my real opinion on this. About halfway through the book, Dan has a chapter that he devotes entirely to sex with other people while you are dating someone. True to his consistently reasoned approach, he points out many different angles and uses several examples. Cutting as short as possible, he cites the Greeks, Romans, and Jonathan Katz, who says that monogamy is "one of the pillars of heterosexual marriage and perhaps its key source of trauma." In ancient times, the value of marriage was placed over that of monogamy, and in fact it was accepted that being with one person for the rest of your life, had everything to do with life commitment and little to with who you slept with. The evidence that people weren't designed to be monogamous and that any attempts to break our nature is pretty pointless. It's funny because in this instance, I feel like all the religious people that I despise trying to say that only in denying ourselves can we be "good." No better way to win me over than make me feel like I am acting like someone I hate.

Denying or trying to hide the fact that we are attracted to others is ridiculous. As Dan says, "It's impossible for two people to be all things to each other sexually, and the expectation that two people must be all things to each other- that they should never find another person attractive or act on that attraction-does a great deal of harm." Now Dan certainly isn't making a case for polygamy, permanent singlehood or stupidity. In fact, his case is presented in the only way that I ever would have been forced to reconsider myself: the fact that his case is for saving marriage.

As I mentioned, the ancients didn't have the same hang-ups we do. In fact, only in the last century or so has the idea of complete monogamy become so socially adamant. Strangely, Dan also points out the fact that the steady increase in divorce rates mysteriously starts at the same time. Coincidence? No such thing. So how is it that being with other people can save your relationship? Well, he conveniently gives 2 great examples. In both these examples (one gay, one straight) it is strong couples who are totally devoted to each other, but have set up the "rules" to which they can expand their sexual experiences without damaging their relationships.

1. Terry- (The rules here are less specific) They must be safe, not in any way endanger their child. They don't hang out in bars or do internet hookups, but if the right circumstances are met, "cheating" is allowed. The two examples he gives are three ways (obviously much more applicable in gay relationships) but implies that in the ten years they have been together there have been a few other circumstances outside of three ways.
2. Billy- "Should the opportunity arise or present itself in such a way that it can be taken advantage of discreetly, without doing emotional harm to the other person or endangering the other person, than either of us can take advantage of the opportunity." He goes on to gives 2 examples. One at a restaurant, where a woman outside was incredibly hot. Billy kept turning to look at her, and instead of getting enrages, his girlfriend teased him, telling him he was busted, and switched seats with him so he can have a better view. They "spare each other the trauma of pretending." Interesting. The more extreme example of this rule is with this woman at the bowling alley. He says, "If… I was out with some friends and Kelly was out of town or having a girl's night out, and Red over there and I hit if off and things proceeded as thing sometimes proceed, I could take advantage of the situation without guilt."

Both guys point out that they have these rules, and by allowing the freedom, neither couples have acted on it very often, but neither do they have to worry about the snide comments of "you were looking at so and so" or the heartbreaking revelation of cheating. In both these instances of course things like affairs would be deal breakers, and the ideas behind the rules is that they are there to strengthen the relationship not destroy it. Dan says that they've made their "desire for others a non-issue." He goes on to say that, "Indeed, as most heterosexual swingers report, the times we've had sex with other guys has actually enhanced our desire for each other. Far from tearing us apart, the times we've had sex with another person… have renewed and refreshed our intimate life. It's made our home more stable, not less."

I am forced to admit that he may be onto something. I know he isn't the first. He brings up so many other examples like the aforementioned swingers, etc. and of course there are all my friends that seem to make it work. Maybe it is society that is forcing us to take this narrow view, and maybe in this one instance I have allowed it to shape my own thinking, possibly to my detriment. Thank God for the ability to reevaluate our opinions and become smarter before we destroy ourselves.

Too much from too long

Yes, yes, I know a month is far too long not to have written something, and frankly I have had a lot to say, but for some reason it never made it to the "paper" so to speak.

First, let's get it out of the way. Last night was insane. I have finally connected with the HRC people in New York, realizing that I knew a great many of them from my years going to all the national stuff, which was nice. As my first real event, I attended the town hall that was held to talk about ENDA (the Employment Non-Discrimination Act). For those of you who haven't heard, the entire gay community seems to be up in arms at HRC for supporting a bill that provides coverage for the LGB community, but leaves out the T. In brief, let me say that HRC had little choice in the matter if they wanted to keep the relationship they have with the congress, and if they wanted to move towards full equality for all. In their mind, taking steps is the best and fastest strategy, and I agree.

Anyway, the town hall was held to help us disseminate information to the community at large, and try and answer any questions that they may have had. What it became instead was a pulpit-style bloodbath.

Most of the people that attended the event had no interest in a town hall to get information. They didn't ask questions, they attacked the panel with a barrage of rants. For the record, I don't call them rants because they were disagreements; I call them rants because they were mostly illogical, repetitive strings of words that accomplished nothing. I especially hated people that tried to use history on their side when clearly they didn't know what they were talking about, as out nation has time and time again proven that baby steps often net the most results in the end. I hope that some of those people left feeling better for having got some of their anger off their chests, because no one really left that room with more information on either side. I do want to commend the few people that were thoughtful and intelligent. They certainly weren't on our side, but they seemed generally interested in getting information so that their opinion was based in fact and not assumption. More than half of these thoughtful people were obviously students, which may say something. More and more I realize that age has very little to do with rationality or maturity.

Alright, enough of that. Last time I wrote, I mentioned that I finally made the move to New York. I am loving it. I have had some significant money issues, though that springs not from the move itself, but rather the general job market at the end of the year. The jobs that I was planning on taking are holding off till the beginning of the year, so for now things have been a bit tight. I am actually better off having moved, as my bills have surprisingly decreased a great deal being here. The only other effect that the money thing has had on me is that as of yet I still haven't really been able to delve into the social scene the way I would like to. Even my friends are sometimes hard to hang out with as most often we would go out to a bar or to eat, something I am doing a lot less of at the moment. Despite the fact that this one aspect of life here is still temporarily closed to me, I am so happy to be here. I wonder sometimes if I waited for too long to make this change.

One final thing that I want to mention was a new experience for me. For the first time in my life, I felt nostalgic. I was doing some scholarship work at Columbia University, and the moment that I was there, I felt strange. Not strange in a bad way by any means, but strange in the fact that the feeling was new. I realized after a while what it was, and was somewhat surprised that I had never experienced nostalgia before. Being at the school reminded me so much of Harvard I can't even explain it. Being there surrounded by beautiful old buildings dedicated to education while people walked swiftly from place to place seemingly overwhelmed with a drive to learn was something I missed without even realizing it. It has been over eight years now since I left Harvard, and I tell you I didn't realize till then how much I miss it. Even working at a university like that makes me feel good in ways that are still beyond my understanding.

New experiences are always a good thing in my book to have this one be such a good one, and at the same time for it to allow me to experience first hand something I hear about a lot but until now have never truly understood is a great thing.

Thoughts from Saying Goodbye

So today was the day that I made my "official" move to New York. Having been gone most of the last two weeks getting things settled, this weekend was really the time where I was able to tell my friends and family what was going on, and try and spend time with them before I left. In some ways, I don't feel like the move is that dramatic, seeing as I am keeping my place in Kansas City, am "moving" with the clothes and electronics that fit in some suitcases, and will be back in three weeks for Thanksgiving.

I was a little surprised at how little I felt like I needed when I moved. Granted, some things, like my books or DVDs I wouldn't get rid of, but so much stuff simply didn't seem necessary. Maybe I should look at my possessions like that more often and see how much I keep. But on with the philosophizing.

Since this all worked out so suddenly, there wasn't a lot of time to prepare, or to tell anyone what was going on. When the possibility that this would happen came up, I didn't really want to spread the word that I might be moving. Much better in my mind to wait until I had some things solidified. The bad part of this plan, is that the people I know pretty much got a week's notice I was leaving, and of that time, I was only free for a few days to see them.

A few things were exasperating. First was the calls I got from people insisting that I visit them. Granted, some of these people are ones that I would have given a great deal to see, but seriously when you have 48 hours to fit everyone in, driving for hours on end doesn't really fit well into the equation. I was hoping that some people would have tried harder to make it work. Lastly, and perhaps the most interesting thing that I noticed was the guys.

Since I have started dating, there have been a few guys that really made an impact on me, but never actually went anywhere. The reasons range everywhere to prior commitments, to distance, poor timing, whatever. The point is that at some point no matter how much you like someone or care about them, when it isn't working out, you have to move on. Since my "announcement" some of these guys, in fact a large portion of this category, have called me and talked to me all bewildered. One of them even said to me, "I just always took for granted that you would be there." Like I was the guy that when they finally figured out what was going on would be sitting there waiting for them. While the reactions were varied, from wanting to sleep with me before I left, to avoidance to outright depression, the thing that seemed to ring so true to me is that this was a bit ridiculous. I mean there are two or three of these guys that at one point in my life would have given up a great deal to be with. I am fairly certain this was apparent. To see this backlash, calls from one in I haven't even talked to in months, strange conversations, all kind of threw me.

I am not sure what it was that made them feel this way, but I have to say it is probably close to the same with all of them. Perhaps it is something as simple as me seeming to be dependable, giving them the idea that they could always rely on me to be there, or maybe I make myself too available. I mean when you wear your heart on your sleeve, I know that I give up a great deal of control. Perhaps this is even more than I had imagined. Somehow I am making it to that the depth of my feelings gives the illusion that I am there at their pleasure. I am pretty sure I need to make sure that in the future, I make sure people know that no matter how much I care about them, I have to take care of me.

But on with the happier aspects. Halloween was a great night, but I focused as little as possible on what was coming up and just had a good time with my friends particularly Justin who was an awesome friend to "date" for the evening.

I really started out with a going away party at Bar Natasha, of course. I invited nearly everyone that I knew in the city, which is a hard thing to do when you know so many people and have very little notice, but still, I figured it was important enough that people would attend. I was surprised three times with that party. First, most of my family came. That was impressive. Secondly, there were very few people by comparison to what I expected. Finally, perhaps the most surprising was the quality of time I had with the people that were there. I realized that most of my closest friends had worked it out, and seeing them together and having a good time when really the only thing they had in common was me, is really a great thing. There was a particular appearance that really made my night, and I think that a lot of things that have been floating around in my life were kind of brought to a better place. Of course it came as no surprise that only half the people were there at any one time, and that some of my friends came at the last minute and decided to drag me all around for the rest of the night.

The next night was something I was marginally dreading. I had our HRC Comedy Night, and though I was excited about the event, I was not looking forward to explaining to everyone that I was leaving. Given my leadership position in the organization, it is going to be an interesting transition, especially when there is no time to really plan. The overwhelming response, however, made me feel as though my fear was a bit ridiculous. Every single person I talked to was very excited for me and thought that what IW as doing was great. There was no concern for how we would work things out, or anything of the sort. Only my friends supporting me in something that was great for me.

The rest of the weekend was up and down. Some things were harder than others. Rae made people cry when she sang Ordinary Boy for me at Bar Natasha, Cody's reactions have been surprisingly mature and heartfelt, and a few of my friends surprised me with what they thought. I will miss people a lot.

I am completely happy with my decision, and have no regrets. In fact I think that the people I am going to miss actually make it feel more worthwhile to leave a place. I am at the perfect time in my life to make this change, and it is something that has been a long time coming. I am not going to look back, but it is nice to know that I have left a footprint behind me.

New thoughts from unique events

What a week! Normally, I don't use blogs to describe many specific things that happen in my life, but this week was so full of new experiences it is hard to differentiate the events from the thought-provoking philosophies that they bring out in me.

I did two things I had never done before, and like most first times, they made a significant impact on me.

The first was judging for an event that I have been wanting to do and building up to for a long time. HRC in Kansas City has an annual comedy night, and we always bring in great national talent. Last year we added a great local emcee, but I thought if this were a normal show, we would have an opener. Given the amount of talent we have in the city, why not give someone local the chance to shine? The result? This year we held our first ever Comic Call, a competition to find this talented person. As I was in charge of the event, there were some unique struggles, but the big kicker was the fact that I was one of the three judges. To make it more interesting, we did it in an American Idol/Project Runway style where the judges made witty and sometimes scathing remarks. New territory for me for sure.

All in all, the competition went very well, and I think I held my own (particularly hard when grouped with a brilliant drag queen and a spunky journalist). It was interesting to see the reactions though. Some of my HRC friends were surprised I could be so "mean" while others said that I held back far too much. I guess it isn't surprising that I would accomplish both in the same competition. I will say that I have newfound respect for reality TV and live judges. It certainly was a lot harder than I had imagined. That said, I really enjoyed myself. I have always liked to have just some of the spotlight, and something like this allowed me to break out of my mold (as fluid as it may be) and do something I think I would have fun doing more often. Not a bad combination.

Last night held another first: attending a gay wedding. Let me tell you that there is nothing quite so interesting as seeing one of the most traditional events known to man recreated when you are by many definitions, defying tradition. Mixing the tried and true with an entirely new twist provides a lot of potential for amazing creations. Last night's wedding was even more unique because John and Ron may be the most creative people that I have ever met. Somehow they were able to take a Victorian Goth theme, bring together artists, actors, producers, bankers, and lawyers throw them all together and create something that was truly beautiful.

My friend Rae at some point in the evening said to me that she thought it was so beautiful because it was all about love. The ceremony and circumstance that can occasionally stand between the wedding and the reason behind it were completely meshed with exactly why we were all there. Friends and family came together, and both grooms shared their happiness with all of us. In a word, it was extraordinary. I have been to lots of weddings in my life, but none moved me so much as this one. (I can't really compare it to my brother's wedding, seeing as my familial bonds and involvement give it an entirely different feel. I love you Kellie!)

Looking back, it is hard to know where the change started. Ron and John certainly had a hand in it, but I think also that so much of the world still says that what we experienced last night is wrong, and shouldn't be done. Even those who "like" gay people still seem to hold out when it comes to marriage. Maybe when you have to work so hard to prove that you deserve what you want it forces you to make the most of it, when others take it for granted. Many weddings I go to make me feel like an outsider who is looking at people sharing in something that I shouldn't have. Last night, all I felt is that this is exactly what I want in my life and what I will have. The love that my two friends share with each other and with the rest of us is truly one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I think the priest last night may have said it best. "Looking at you, I know God blesses this union." Let those who think otherwise be damned. No matter what you believe in, God, gods, fate, or chance, you can't deny that something so wonderful isn't exactly the way it was intended to be.

New York and Dinner Musings

The first day in New York, and my excitement is barely tempered by my exhaustion. Coming straight from the National Dinner was a bit daunting, but I am very glad that I did. More and more it is so obvious to me how much I need to get out of the Midwest and move to an urban center that I can really enjoy. So far I have only spent time with the friend that I am staying with and nothing truly exciting came onto our agenda, but in some ways this meant more to me than doing anything that I "needed" to do while in town. I look forward to when I can live in a location like this and enjoy some of the simple things whenever I want. The trip to Alice's Tea Cup and dinner at a quaint Italian restaurant without ever having to drive a car made me quite content.

I have decided that bus drivers, especially in some place like New York seriously have one of the most difficult and nerve wracking jobs available. I mean driving in traffic is bad enough as an individual or even as a cab driver, but to be responsible for so many people while driving such a huge vehicle in the insanity that are the NY streets.

I should take a minute to talk about the National Dinner. The weekend itself was great, and I reconnected with a friend and definitely moved our relationship to stronger territory. Any of these events that bring together so many HRC people turns out great. It was so nice to see friends from afar. I was forced to examine how poorly I actually keep in touch with my various friends around the country. Some of us seem like we are really close, but as time and distance separate us, I have not really figured out how to make the most of those relationships.

The dinner itself was certainly motivating. Tim Gunn was hysterical, and Nancy Pelosi and Joe Solmonese both gave great speeches that moved many of us. I know several people that were attending their first dinner and the change in their motivation was noticeable. I did happen to end the evening by pushing my alcohol consumption beyond the limits of anything I have had before, but that is another story. Leaving DC as always brought me to a new level of energy. I am excited about all the work that I have done with HRC and can't wait to continue to make a difference with them as the years go by. More immediately, I am excited to continue to experience another city that I love so much.

Goodbye before Hello

Having spent a great deal of my life traveling all around the country, one thing seems to be fairly consistent no matter the area that I am in: No one wants to meet anyone, at least not socially. Every day we are constantly surrounded by people we don't know, and somehow we keep it that way. Some people tell me that Europeans don't share this problem, but I haven't spent enough time internationally to test this theory. For the USA though, I know it is true.

Don't get me wrong. I know that you can't possibly "meet" everyone that you come into contact with. For one, no one has time for all that, and more importantly perhaps, your brain would explode. As far as the social envelope goes, I seem to push it as far as I can. I meet people all over the place, and even when I am not spending much time with a person, I allow a certain amount of intimacy. By that I mean striking up a 20 second conversation with the cashier at Starbucks, or the person waiting in line beside me. I try and meet new people when I go out, and especially anyone who is a friend of a friend. My thought is "If they like you, there's probably something I can like as well."

The fact of the matter is that I know that I am very odd in this. For one, a lot of people seem confused when I talk to them randomly. Furthermore, watching other people shows me that most people don't really do this all that much. People seem to have built walls around themselves, and I am not really sure why. I understand that some people don't really have a wall, sometimes they just don't feel like expending the energy, but really, often times, what else are you going to do? Take for instance my recent trip to Omaha. I was there with one of my best friends as he tried out for American Idol. Shortly after we arrived, I was conversing with the front desk people, finding out what they liked to do around town, both for my own information, and just to enjoy their company. I know that this is something that doesn't happen very often to them, because for the next 4 days that we were there, they were overly nice to me, and always seemed excited when I came around. The reason? People thrive on human contact. Even the most solid introverts need and on some level crave a certain level of human interaction. Short, curt, wall-encased phrases to get what you need and leave while "technically" an interaction, don't really satiate this need at all. Many people might argue that people in the service industry get too much contact, but truth be told, the often get less than anyone else. Because they are so busy interacting with their customers, they have less opportunity to interact with their co-workers in any meaningful way, and few people seem willing to let down any of their walls with "the help."

I find this to be ridiculous. Now of course there is only so much that you can do and say when you are being waited on by someone, or checking out, but truth be told, even within the limited time constraints that exist, you can make a very quick, short connection. Some of the best memories I have of people are definitely what Fight Club names as "Single Serving Friends." There is certainly nothing wrong with this, and I guarantee that both the customer and the person delivering the service have a better day when some of those barriers don't exist.

Another great example from the trip was the audition itself. For those of you who have never been, they put thousands (no that is not an exaggeration at all) of people into a huge auditorium, many of them sitting around for more than 8 hours until all is said and done. I had so much fun. Being around so many different people, many of them from the far reaches of the country, all with completely different backgrounds, all there for different reasons, despite the single goal of the audition. The thing was though, it was still hard to meet people. Talk to someone and they look at you askance, as if to ask "What manner of creature are you that you actually want to meet people?" Not counting the guys we met while stuck in line, it was like pulling teeth to actually talk to someone. The only meaningful conversation happened to end up being someone I met at the audition for 5 seconds and then bumped into later that night while just hanging out. You would think that with all those people all with nothing else to do, I would have met almost too many people rather than almost none. It really exasperates me.

When you throw yourself into a "social" scene, rather than get better, things actually get worse. Walk into a bar, and no matter what you instantly pile on a hundred qualifiers. The most important being, "Are they hitting on me?" Because of this we instantly have a hundred different pre conceived notions of who and what we want to talk to. Sexuality doesn't matter in the least. Straight bars, gay bars, whatever. No matter who you come into contact with, the thought is the same, and the only way you are really able to break through the barrier is to be exactly what they want at the moment. Going out by yourself is considered a bad thing to do, and frankly, it often isn't any fun. People travel in packs, not juts to enjoy themselves with their friends, but to insulate themselves from actually admitting anyone new. The few lone wolves are normally looking to "meet someone" in the sense of romantically, and with that much pressure, you fall back immediately into the myriad of qualifiers.

Why is it that someone can't go out, and it be thought normal for them to strike up a conversation with random strangers? Why is it that when we are out somewhere, you don't imagine that we can make new friends. No matter where you are, the people around you have at least one thing in common with you: they are doing whatever you are. Standing in line at Starbucks? Chances are you both like coffee. Sitting in a theatre? At least a modicum of similar movie taste. At a bar? If nothing else you are experiencing (for good or ill) the same scene. Given even these simple similarities it seems to be that you should be able to always strike up a conversation. If those simple superficial things happen not to take you any further, so be it. What have you lost? I think that the chance to meet and experience something new always brings its own rewards, and the fact that you could meet someone really amazing is an added bonus. Why oh why then, can't we just be ok when someone says, "Hello?"

The Power of Song

When it comes to music, I am a little bit of a paradox. Were you to ask me how important music is to me, I would say that it is more of an accent than anything. I have always said that people always seem to be either a movie person or a music person, and I have always been the former. I am hard pressed to remember band names, and while they can be enjoyable, concerts are certainly not the first thing that I think of to go enjoy myself. In fact, I am more likely to attribute a particular song to a movie or show than I am to acknowledge it or the artist on their own.

Strangely, there are certain aspects where music is incredibly important to me, and in those arenas, it is nearly vital. The area? Expression. I am not sure that there is anything quite like music when it comes to being able to say exactly what is going on in someone's head or heart. The only comparison that I can see in accurately expressing humanity and our plethora of emotions is poetry, and lets face it, in modern society, music is far more popularly accessible, and therefore a stronger medium with most people.

Even within the realm of expression, I differ from many people when it comes to music. I know many people feel the music itself as an expression. They can attribute songs to an emotion, person, thought based solely on the notes that are included. Some people even control their emotions through this. An ex of mine would listen to angry music to get over anger. It didn't matter what the song was so long as the tone was angry. I completely diverge from this.

For me, the power of songs is totally in the lyrics. This may not be completely surprising considering my love of language and literature, but the truth of the statement is deep indeed. I cannot love a song without being moved by the words. This is not to say that a fun, flippant song can't have good lyrics. If that is the song's goal and its lyrics work towards that end it totally works for me.

As I mentioned, I count on music very rarely, but in the instances I do it is imperative. I think the stronger emotions that are involved in something, the more music comes into play. Powerful emotions like love and anger always seem to find their way into musical expression. This is a great thing. I think that people often need to let out things that their own words cannot do alone. Even someone who is a master of words cannot sometimes express what comes internally. Songs do that in a way that is completely universal. A song can tell us what is inside, and more importantly it can tell it to someone else.

Some of the most moving moments that I have had with friends and lovers is when our situation is expressed in song. In a relationship, I think that sometimes things that can't seem to be effectively communicated can come so much more clearly through a song. A fast way to my heart is to indicate that a song truly says what you feel, and mean it.

Perhaps my love of music in these situations is simply another example of my love of communication between people. When your own words aren't enough find a song that sets the mood and says your words for you. I think that we can never find too many ways to express ourselves, especially with those we care about. Sharing a song with another can be an incredibly intimate and wonderful thing if both parties put thought into what is really there. And who can complain with drawing people closer together?

Telling the Universe You Are Ready

A while back a friend of mine mentioned something that I think is both profound and accurate. He was talking about his business and how he kept saying that he wanted more clients, but that now that he thought about it, he didn't really do anything to tell the universe that was what he really wanted. In his example, he mentioned that he didn't have his workroom setup to actually be the way he wanted to present it to clients. He wasn't saying that people were turning away, but that his presentation didn't really open himself up to the possibility of getting what he wanted.

The universe has a way of giving us things whether we want them or not. People, events, opportunities all float in and out of our lives all the time. It often times seems as though we have no control over this, but following this line of thinking, that isn't entirely true. It certainly has its merits, and more importantly some evidence to back it up. You are far more likely to receive something if you open yourself up to it as much as possible.

You can get philosophical or theological to try and create explanations, but in truth it doesn't matter. Whether you think it is divine intervention, fate, chance, or simply a human ability either to draw things to us, it doesn't really matter. For those truly wanting to be clinical about it, perhaps the phenomenon is nothing other than the more open we are as people to a possibility, the more likely we are to recognize it. Maybe it would have been there regardless, but if you aren't prepped, we will just miss it.

I am not just talking about thinking that you want something. This idea is that you actually take steps to open yourself up to what you want. Taken another way, consider the "If you build it, they will come" idea. Want to find someone to share your bed with, but have a twin? Not so much. Want to travel internationally but still don't have your passport? Not being open. The idea is that whatever you want, you should make yourself as available to it as possible. Don't think that you will do something when you get what you want, do what you will do when you have such things, and then they will be more likely to come to you.

Of the examples I gave, I like playing with the passport one the best. If you have always wanted to leave the country, you certainly don't need your passport until you actually plan a trip. The idea is that by having it you are telling yourself, your sub conscious, and the universe itself that you are serious about what you want, and you are ready to seize it the moment the opportunity comes along. Out of the blue someone could ask you to go to London with them, and that is one less concern you would have.

I think that we should always try and think about what we want in our lives most. I think that the thought does help you recognize opportunities, and it also helps create those chances. Taking that a step further and thinking about ways in which we can "prepare" ourselves for exactly what it is that we are wanting at that time, the more likely we are to obtain what we so fervently desire.

Dallas, cuisine, country, & love

I am a bit behind in writing this to be sure, but the thoughts are still there, so I figured I better get down to it.

Last week I went to Dallas to visit a friend of mine, and get out of town to clear my head a bit. I don't really think that anything got resolved, frankly thoughts kept revolving around two different aspects of my life that kept me from having the kind of escape that I wanted, but it was still a good time. I am not the kind of guy to fill pages up with a series of events, but a few interesting things did happen that I should note (all this is of course excepting the concert which I already talked about, but which was indeed the highlight of the trip).

Just to lay it out there, I am not sure if I picked the bad time to visit, or what, but Dallas was CRAZY! Some of the worst storms they have seen in a long time, hours of traffic in directions people swear there shouldn't be any, oh yes, and to top it all off, Dallas caught on fire before I left. I call that timing. Ok. On to the actual experiences!

I went to this restaurant called Texas de Brazil, and it was AMAZING! I bring this up only to comment on how fantastic it was, as well as put out there that I was able to try some new things, which has become a rarity of late. I don't regularly come across something that is completely new. If you ever have the chance to try one of these restaurants (apparently there are several) I highly recommend it. The buffet alone was incredible, providing a veritable feast including… wait for it… heart of palm, which is indeed the inside of a palm tree. I never even knew that they were edible. Quite tasty indeed. After delighting myself there with everything from salad to lobster bisque, the "real meal" started. There are these little cards that you flip to the green side when you want meat brought to your table, red when you are done. And boy did they bring some great things. There were several types of chicken, beef, ham, lamb, etc. all cooked completely differently and for the most part were quite tasty.

Alright, enough food talk. I found myself making an interesting discovery. I have been down and out a little on real relationships lately, and strangely there was little coming my way even among people I knew to reaffirm my faith in love. Where I found this affirmation turned out to be none other than a country bar. Yep, that's right. Going in there with my friends was interesting, and not because of the music. Though it is not on my playlist constantly, I do mix in some country from time to time, and really enjoyed a lot of the songs they were playing. What set me back was the fact that I felt like one of the only single people at the bar. Normally at a bar, gay or straight, I would say the vast majority of people there are single, either appeasing their boredom or looking to meet people. That's what single people do. The random couples out to hang out with their friends are greatly minimalized by the loners surrounding them. This bar, the ratio was completely reversed.

It took me a while to figure out exactly why that was, but I can think of a few good reasons. The least of such reasons being that there were 3 other bars on the same street that were boasting the cream of the singles crop. Even putting that aside, I realized that country bars actually lend themselves to couples. Unless it's a line dance or someone just being silly on their own, the vast majority of country dances are partnered. There are tons of things that you can do two-stepping, or four-stepping, and really you can dance all night just like that- if you are with someone else. A partner is mandatory. Given the closeness of these dances, strangers or even friends doing them together is somewhat rare, so when the dance floor is full, couples abound. Seeing as I was visiting another state and not looking for anyone for other reasons anyway, I decided just to be social. Talking to so many of the people there, listening to their stories, watching them dance with one another really reminded me that real relationships exist, and they do work.

So many times, we look at the people around us and only hear of the bad things. Who broke up with who, whose heart is broken, etc. We forget to celebrate the successes of those people that stay together for a long time or even forever. I have two friends passing their fourth year together, and no one ever really mentioned their relationship. Only when they started having troubles did the discussions ever come up. Looking on a world scale it is even worse. Think of the "sweetheart couples," the ones that seem to capture everyone's hearts. Think about how much press, thought, and time are given them when they are together. Now think about those that have broken up. It seems like the pinnacle of relationships was magnified within them, but only apparent to us after they have crashed and burned. So many bad relationships, and people bouncing around trying to find what they want and need, and all we hear is the bad.

No wonder people get bitter and jaded. We no longer live in a world where survival depends upon finding a mate. To me it seems that such circumstances would make it so that those who come together are happier, and yet the world would like us to think that it is not so. For me, I was thankfully reminded that while the world can look dark at times, it may only take a trip to the nearest country bar to realize that there is a lot of light too.

Concert Review: True Colors Tour

Last night I attended the True Colors Concert in Dallas, a benefit concert put on by HRC, Logo, and the Matthew Shepard Foundation. Cyndi Lauper was the creator of the tour, inspired after a conversation with Judy Shepard at the HRC Dinner a year ago. The goal was to raise awareness for the Hate Crimes Bill that is currently going through the legislature. It was certainly inspiring. I was moved by the performances by all of the artists, and the reactions of the audience. Having experienced this, I am pretty sure that I will only seek to attend concerts that are for a good cause. For one, I like my money going towards good things, but also I think that it creates a different environment when people come together to do something great.

I was fortunate enough to have front row seats. If I had felt like daring security, I could have easily touched the artists. That's how close I was. I did take a lot of pictures, but I realized that it is time to get a new camera. For casual use, it is a fantastic piece of equipment, but shows always leave me wanting more. Knowing that I was close enough to catch every subtle facial expression, but not having most of my pictures exhibit this was frustrating.

Technically, I went by myself, but strangely I found that I was constantly running into friends of mine. I really wasn't aware of how many people I knew in Dallas. It was especially great to see so many of my HRC friends, since really we only get to hang out while we are working ourselves ragged at the DC trainings and events.

All of the performers got a chance to say their piece about discrimination, and hate crimes, which was completely heartfelt and a great addition to the show. Among the entertainers, Rosie O'Donnell and Margaret Cho provided comedy relief, and they were both in top form. I really enjoyed them both, and thought that they added a lot to the show. Rosie was funnier than I have ever seen her, and followed that up with singing backup vocals and playing the drums for Cyndi, which I thought was neat. I was especially happy that in the end, all the entertainers came back on stage for the final two numbers.

All in all, I had a great time, felt moved by what was there, and was really happy that something like that was so well embraced by the community.
I did manage to catch some video. The first has poor sound, but the dancing was fun, and the second was just such a great way to end the show.

Daniel's Wisdom

During my drive to Dallas, I listened to a lot of music. As most of you know, my mind loves to analyze things, and I like to identify with songs. Imagine how much this is enhanced as I am driving through endless miles of highway in the middle of the night. As it happens, I found one of my old MP3 discs right before I left, so that played through several hours. In the middle of that, Daniel Bedingfield came on. I have always liked him, but haven't listened to him much recently. I have always liked how his songs are very diverse, while his lyrics are always strong. He seems to sing from the heart as well as from experience, and I think it showed. As my wandering mind broke down his songs, some songs and verses really stuck to me at this moment. Oh, and before you ask, no, nothing new has happened that spawned these attachments, and yes, I cut some sections out of some songs, so you get at what I was really taken by.

And mama told me if I want her. I gotta take it slow
You just can't tell her, you gotta find other ways to let her know
But I don't understand this game
This is so new to me
I wanna tell her
I wanna take her in my arms

Give her time and maybe one-day she'll come around
And see the love I am offering
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl.

"Gotta Get Thru This"

If only I could get through this
I get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
I'm gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes

If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God gotta help me get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
Said I'm gonna get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

If only I could get through this...

"If You're Not The One"

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms.

Good stuff, eh?

Rick is Finally Urban(ish) Again!!! and Oh! The Revelations!

Yesterday, I was literally in my car heading out of town to visit a friend when I got a call from the leasing agent at the apartment complex I was looking at. She asked if I wanted to get my keys that day. Without hesitation, I called my friend to postpone my trip, and turned right around. I took everything from my house that would fit in my car- enough to live on- and moved in right then.

I have always been a city guy. When I was younger I really had no way of knowing this, but the moment I started traveling, it was quite plain. I love the pedestrian lifestyle, big buildings, throngs of people. It makes me very happy. When I was living in Boston for school, I seriously felt like I was at home for the first time in my life. Something about cities brings together the various aspects of my personality quite nicely. My extreme extroversion, ambition, love of culture, desire for change are all fed by the urban environment. Throughout my life, any time I have felt in a slump, as simple trip to a big city, or even to the Plaza or Downtown Starbucks would do wonders to perk me up. The reason was not that it was a vacation, in fact those who know me see me do more work in these environments than when I am sitting in my office.

All of these things I knew. What I didn't realize was how much I missed it, or that I needed it. Simply knowing that I was now living downtown made such a significant impact on me that I can't describe it. Even knowing that my move was to Downtown Kansas City, and not some gargantuan city that I would prefer didn't seem to make as much of an impact as I thought it would. Though KC doesn't provide me with everything I want, the difference to me was so significant that I was completely taken aback. When I think that within a relatively small amount of time, I will move again to a major metropolis, I am quite simply giddy.

I think that what I realized more than anything in this move was how important your home really is. Back when I was involved in Landmark Education, though they said a lot of things completely out of line with my beliefs, they did get it right on that note. They tried to instill in us how important being happy with where you live was. It never really got through till now.

My most recent move prior to this one, I really didn't get this same feeling, even though in a lot of ways it was a great move. I was much closer to the things I cared about (including Downtown), and my house was a great one. What I know now is that I was simply "okay" with where I lived. I moved there for reasons that were not my own, and later the living situation continued to change in directions that pushed that joy even further away. I suppose I convinced myself somehow that as long as I wasn't unhappy with where I was, that was what I should care about. Any of you that know me understand that I believe that a person should be happy in everything that they do. Life will never be perfect, so you should surround yourself with only things that being you joy so when life's hiccups come along, you are not swept away. For some reason, in certain aspects, most especially my living space, somehow I had gone from demanding happiness to simply avoiding unhappiness. This is not the same thing, were you to have asked me that, I would have been the first to tell it to you. Recognizing how I was actually settling, something very much against my philosophy of life, was more difficult, but I am glad I did.

Interestingly enough, moving was not the only thing that made me realize that I settle way too easily in certain areas. I am sure that my friend Rae would have plenty to say in an area that I have put up with far more than I should. After Chris and I broke up, well over three years ago now, I have had several interests, but no real relationship to speak of. That is not to say that I did not get my heart broken, especially from the one guy I actually gave the title of boyfriend too. While ultimately I did not end up with any of these interests, I realize that I certainly hung on to nearly all of them too long.

Without going into too much detail about this (both because I have before, and I know I am going to do it in a future entry very soon), I believe that a romantic relationship is only worth having if it has ultimate long term potential. This is the reason that I don't throw the title of boyfriend around very easily. I had convinced myself that I was doing well, being cognizant of what had that potential and what didn't. I was definitely willing to ensure that a relationship did not extend very far if the romantic side wasn't there. If I wasn't falling for them, it wasn't worth it. My heart definitely took charge when it needed to. The problem is that at some point, I let myself be convinced that something was a lot greater than it was. I forgot what someone could make me feel like if I was really for them 100%, when my mind and my heart were in complete agreement. In the last year especially, I think that I got so excited by someone that I had strong feelings for that I put far more of my heart on the line than I ever should have, hence me getting hurt. Though I am not with anyone now, recent events have reminded me of exactly what it means to have real feelings all the way around for someone. To care about someone without the hidden thoughts that you are settling. When you are looking at an individual who can actually be right for you, and you for them. I have known some great guys in my life. Most of them could never be my partner in life, nor I their's. Somehow I lost sight of the difference.

Though I have obviously never been with someone to the point that we actually become partners, I know what it takes to be that. That's the reason that the three incredibly significant relationships that I have had all ended with no regret. Though we did not work out, the potential was there, and it played itself out. I believe that is what happens when you don't settle. Things may not end perfectly, but you don't live with the regret. If you take the best potential you have, and work your hardest to make sure that you play that out, any pain comes is infinitely lessened, and your regrets are none. I don't know how I lost sight of that, but I am glad I have my vision back.

So what does all this revelation mean to my life? Well for one, I am going to revel in my new place, but I know for certain that Kansas City will not be my home for much longer. Even if I didn't have a pact that would take me away within 2 years, I would still be gone. I have waited too long already. I like Kansas City. I think that someday I may even come back, but I know for certain that while I may not be unhappy here, I am not as happy as I would be in the cities I love. The same with relationships. I refuse to settle for someone I like. My partner, like my home must be loved, and by all aspects of me. I have been good about this in my career, not it is time to enforce it in the other aspects of my life as well. When I walk home, I want to feel comfort, love the way it looks and feels both by its interior and its location. When I am with someone I want my heart and my mind to agree that this is someone worth being with. I want a home and a partner that both make me feel embraced, and wanted. Having seen what I can do to convince myself to settle, I am done. No longer will these things cloud my vision, no longer will I take less than what brings me joy. Life should be sweet, and while I cannot account for everything, for too long I have not been accountable to myself, and that ends now. The new season is beginning, and it is looking to be a beautiful one!

Right Place at the Right Time? And More Trio Musings

Last night after a successful HRC Meeting, the evening continued at Trio. As is often the case when I am with those friends, particularly at that bar, many interesting topics came up for discussion. I always like these conversations, because there is such a wealth of experience to draw on, and from so many different places and viewpoints. I was the only one under 30, and most were over 40 with significant experience, so they all have a lot to say.

Over the course of the evening we talked about a great many things, and I really enjoyed the travel conversations. I am working it out to not increase my travel per se this year, but rather to expand the places that I go to. I have been pretty much every where in the U.S., but already I have now put on the agenda Brazil and Hawaii for this year. I am also looking at 2 European trips next year. I have always had friends abroad, but I am finally putting off taking these trips.

As seems so often is the case, the subject of relationships came up. While I certainly like hearing their viewpoints and experience on the subject, with everything I am trying to deal with on my own, this was the one subject I would have been happy to avoid. Alas, as one of the people at our table was mulling over some serious issues, the inevitable conversation ensued.

One of the interesting thing that we did talk about was the differences between guys and girls, and even more among gay men and lesbians. With the latter groups there does seem to be some fluidity, but some things seem more the same. The girls were pretty much unable to grasp the thought of having a "friend with benefits" while the guys had seen, if not experienced it quite a lot. There was speculation about the relationship that women have with sex compared to men, but then there were two of us who felt like we empathized with both groups. One friend had enjoyed casual relationships in his past, but now was happily married, which is what he really wanted. The casual ones were fun, but not the ultimate. I certainly understand the distinction. Another guys talked about how even in relationships, sex was simply for recreation, and though it took place within a relationship, it was just fun no matter what. The girls were in direct opposition to this.

One thing that did surprise me was the clear stated value of the "u-haul." The common joke is that while among 2 men, the first date always leads to sex, with 2 women, the first date always comes with one of them bringing a U-Haul. This of course meaning that they move in right away. I have seen some evidence of this, but have never really given thought to the pros and cons before. Listening to both the men and women agree that while scary, moving in sooner than later can save a whole lot of time. Obviously you have to be cognizant of how easily you can recover if things go sour, but as one of the girls said, "There is no better way to find out if there is really the potential for the long term." I can see how this is true, and when I think of some of the bad roommates people put up with, it's kind of a wonder that people are so afraid of moving in too soon. Some might say that you have to wait for the right time, which of course brings us to the most interesting topic.

Is timing everything? The last thing that we talked about, the one that I really philosophize about is the matter of timing. The phrase "the right place at the right time" is said so often, and yet looking at it, I wonder how often this happens in relationships. Listening at those couples who have lasted the longest, it seemed almost that they met at some of the worst times for one another. It kind of goes to what I have talked about before, when people tell me that when I look for love I won't find it. The only times I find I am not looking for it, is when it really is a bad time in my life due to whatever extraneous circumstances exist. In those moments, by these standards, it would be so the wrong time, but the most likely that I will find what I really wanted. It doesn't help that my current circumstance falls obnoxiously into this category on both sides.

My friend Michael made a big deal about talking how looking for timing makes us forget that relationships are work. No matter how happy or unhappy someone is alone, it truly is easier. In his case, he is quick to add that the work he puts into his relationship with his partner is the most valuable thing he does, but it still is work. The girls chimed in, agreeing completely and saying that often the work brings great rewards, and can even be fun while it is happening, but it is still a great effort. My friend that brought this subject up was mentioning how he had not met someone when it was the right time, and that there were points he had met people when he shouldn't be in a relationship. The table was quick to respond that though you have to be cautious when looking at what is going on in your life before getting into something serious, timing can be your worst enemy. Life is so tumultuous, if you wait for the perfect time, you will almost certainly miss the perfect mate. Chances are, both don't come along at the same time. As this conversation continued, it made me wonder so much about what I have seen in my own life. To hear these people who hold some of the best relationships I have ever seen all come to agreement on this, and yet have others say that overcoming timing can be impossible, I can't help but wonder how two people can both overcome the circumstances in their own worlds to make sure that they can be together. I certainly know that I feel much more likely to look simply for the right guy, not try to be in "the right place at the right time." I would rather work for something incredible than to fall into something less worthwhile.

To the Strange Triumvirate

No one knows why three people can come to share such similarities, nor how the paths in their lives seem to cross the same obstacles within the same time frame. When advising one, the others feel as though the words are for them. For these three, this song says so much about the strange situations. Are the romantic hearts beating for those who don't beat back? Do the changes in relationships mean the end? Unfortunately we do not know. All we can do is listen and advise and see where life takes us. To the three lovers upon different paths with such similarities. A song that sings to both sides of our struggles. May the loves we seek truly collide.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Proof of Longevity

*Note that there is a brief recap of the night in the beginning. If you want the philosophical stuff, skip to paragraph 4.

So tonight was a good night. Though the day was packed with endless errands and visits to places I would rather shy away from, all that changed as evening hit. We had a HRC event encouraging people in the community to take action and make commitment now. That in itself went very well. It was even better that my amazing boyfriend went with me and for the first time ever, I was able to really introduce someone to that aspect of my life.

After the event, there was a nice drive, and a visit to Adam's work. After which both of us had places to be, but alas, before we parted ways, my mouth got away from me and I think that I said more than I should have. I don't know the repercussions that this conversation will bring, but I dearly hope that it turns out for the best. Times like these I almost want to damn my Sagittarian nature.

The dinner that followed with select members of my HRC family was phenomenal. For the event, we brought in one of the heads of the political side of HRC from the corporate office in DC. Of course we had to take him out for dinner. We headed to Trio, which of course is always a good local, and we talked a lot about the political future of the US as a whole as well as Missouri and Kansas. What I loved the most though, seemed to be happening in the background.

As it would happen, everyone that was there was part of a long lasting partnership. To make it even better, three of the couples were guys! Throughout the night just in the course of conversation, people would mention their partners, or in some case even their kids and the conversation would drift towards their relationship. Of course when you are talking the politics of gay rights, it is incredibly helpful to look at it in your own lives, and as all of the friends I was with are great conversationalists, they would interject their own stories about their relationships.

As I listened to the various trials and more importantly the triumphs of these relationships, I was overjoyed. I mean for the most part I was completely aware of how long these couples had been together, but to hear how close they were and what they did to stay together, I really saw how it can happen. One of them talked about how he paid his partner's way through law school nearly 20 years ago, and now was looking at staying at home and taking care of the house and working solely on philanthropic endeavors. Another talked about how she would travel around the country to be with her partner while she was away on business. The stories went on and on, and though I knew the outline for most of them, to hear them all together, no one at the table besides me outside of that lifelong relationship, I was reminded that for all the failing I see and for all the criticism against it, love really does work.

What was even better about most of these stories is that most of the things that they did for one another weren't sacrifices. So many people go on and on about how the only way to make relationships work is to sacrifice so much. Here were these incredibly successful people, each of whom had found a partner to SHARE their life with. Not to give up their life for, but to share in the joys, and the sorrows. One talked about this party that they didn't go to together for fear of the other being outed at work. He talked about how afterwards they fought violently over meaningless things only to realize that by trying to sacrifice who they were for the others job only made them miserable. The stories that they told were ones where they didn't sacrifice themselves, but just how as the relationship developed they made decisions that made them happier. One was saddened that the other was gone so much. So, she started meeting her on her travels. She got to see her partner more and experience places she never had before. Again and again the choices they made weren't ones of pain and sacrifice, but ones of love and bounty.

This is what I believe love is. This is what I see in the best relationships, and what I seek so desperately for in my own life. Two people who come together and make something beautiful. Two people who share their life, mitigating their pain in each other and expounding every joy to new levels. It is so easy in a society where divorce is so prevalent, and even more in a community where marriage is barred and looked down upon to forget that relationships are incredible. Even amongst ourselves, I see so many friends who go through terrible experiences, people who give up so soon. Even the good stories sometimes look bad. Eight year relationships end, when no one thought they would. The one you meet that changes you so much ends up not staying. These are the things that so often are spoken of in a society that seems to have given up on love. Tonight reminded me that this simply isn't what we need to do.

Love is as powerful as the stories say, and when we stop only looking at the dark side of the world, we can make something with another that is far greater than what we could do on our own. I don't know if where I am now will create this- I certainly hope so- but this night goes beyond what I have now to remind me what is possible and that I should never for settle for any less. No matter what is said, love is real, and living together with someone for the rest of your life is a very real possibility that involves work, yes, but a labor of love, and not pain. One that provides far more than it can ever take away.

How is it Different?

So as most of you know, the show I just got done producing had a lot of gay themes in it. To put it more specifically, the world was opposite of this one, where the norm was gay and straight people were completely marginalized. Of course as the show progresses, there are gay moments, straight moments, and of course being a musical, gay musical moments. ;-)

What bothers me is this. Some of my family saw it. Those who did made the mistake of bringing friends, specifically one or two that were immature jerks who I wanted to kick in the face (I happened to be actually watching that show on a date. Yes, a date.) Apparently their incessant talking that distracted from some of the greatest moments of the show were centered around the fact that they were "weirded out" by some of the "gayer" moments.

Of course then there were all the family that didn't come, not because of prior engagements, but because they said, "Why would we want to see a gay show?" Can something make me want to scream a little more? I mean I play the "eww gross" game about girly parts every once in a while for fun, but seriously, how can something with gay themes bother anyone? And for that matter, what do these close minded people think runs through our minds every time we see… oh, say ANYTHING!

We live in such a heterosexist society that it at times drives me crazy. The fact that after six years of being out to them, many of my family still can't grasp the simple basic premise that being gay is simply loving someone of the same sex. I swear, most of them have no problem with the fact that I would sleep with another guy, but to see two guys existing as a "normal" couple totally weirds them out.

Why is it that something has to be mainstream to be ok? Why is it that nearly anytime I watch a movie or a play, I watch parades of straight romances and because that is more common, I am supposed to be fine with that while a simple gay kiss gets people freaked out?

My mom (who is blessedly not one of the people who gets crazy about it) tries to defend people, especially certain siblings, by saying that they are trying. Pardon my American, but bullshit. Trying is making a concerted effort to understand something. Trying is not going on six years and practically being a distant memory from your brother's life because you don't want to understand. Not looking at something as much as possible and only getting "a little" crazy when you are faced with it is not trying. That is cowardess.

I hate that there is a gay film industry that can only sell their films to gay people. I don't blame them, I blame the society that makes it so. Why is watching Prom Queen only for gay guys, but She's All That is ok for everyone? Even with the most conservative estimates out there (which from personal experience are ridiculously low) nearly everyone knows someone who is gay. So why is it that having a gay character in a movie is so crazy? If you have 10-20 cast members without one being gay, something is seriously awry in your filming diversity. And yet it happens all the time. Even worse, when they include a gay character, it is under the radar. They are never "actually" together with someone. You just get hints that they might be. Come on! And I am not even talking lead roles here. Simply background characters that are allowed to be themselves would be great.

Ugh. I could rant for ever about this. I hate how people allow themselves to be close minded and then try and come up with excuses. "Oh, we just aren't used to that. It's not that it bothers us." Rriigghhtt. You can take your 13 year olds to movies where men practically rape women on screen, but a simple romantic kiss throws your entire existence into spin. That certainly makes sense to me. Suffice to say, I am tired of feeling disconnected from my family and it being my fault for not being patient enough with them, and I am tired of being patient with a world that simply doesn't want to open its eyes to see anything different than what they are. Wake up world! Every day you are surrounded by people not like you. Before you decide how much you want to turn away from them, why don't you wonder what it is that they feel like when they look at you.

Thoughts on Review

So today was the last performance of Zanna, Don't! and I have to say that it was definitely an adventure. I think the show went really well, and I was incredibly happy to be able to work with all the incredible people that I did during my first time as a producer.

The show ending was of course bittersweet. In some ways I am happy that I will be able to take a break, but honestly I enjoyed the show so much and working with all my friends that I will certainly miss it a lot. Looking at all that happened, I know that this is something I will do again. I certainly learned a lot and am excited to think about what I can accomplish knowing what I do now. I do not know to what extreme that will be, but I do know that I will do more shows. I can easily see myself doing a summer show here every year even after I move away. Of course I could end up going even further. It is hard to tell at this point.

One thing that wasn't so great about my show had nothing to do with the show itself, but rather its importance to those close to me. I know that sometimes things come up in people's lives that remove them from important events of those they care about, but I was really taken aback by the lack of interest that I got from people I care about when it came to seeing this show. This was my first production ever. On my first opening night, a moment that will never come again, I was crushed to know that no one from my family would be there, and few friends either. As the weeks of the show went on, I was never really relieved by a good showing.

It is funny. I marketed this show to perfect strangers who were entranced, and later I saw them in attendance. With only a few exceptions (and I am incredibly thankful for those exceptions) most of the people that I would have thought would run to see something I had helped create, never came. Of course this creation can never be seen again, and so it was really hard to think about.

I don't know why we can so easily dismiss things that are important some times. I am certainly guilty occasionally, but I am still surprised. To me, though I cannot always make it, someone's passion for something really sparks my interest. If it is just an event that means nothing to them, I won't really feel it, but if they care about it, and it is important to them, I am energized by their excitement and want to share that with them. I don't understand how it isn't the same for other people.

Maybe it isn't a matter of people in general as simply how I factor into some people's lives. Maybe this was simply an indicator that at times I think that people are more a part of my life than they really are. I am often chastised by those who know me best for keeping people in my life long after they have proven that they aren't really active participants. Maybe this was just a clear example of that.

I realize that the last few paragraphs have sounded pretty mopey. That isn't really how I feel now. I won't try and kid myself into saying that knowing that many of the people I consider to be a part of my life not seeing my show didn't deeply affect me, but on the flip side, it has really made me value those who did. Add that to the great experience that this show was, and I am really happy at where it is.

Of course, there is one person who in particular makes it rather impossible to be down for too long. The night we saw the show together was incredible, and that alone may be worth any of the frustrations I have with other people in my life. Many very different feelings from the same show, all of them having the potential to significantly impact my life. I wonder where these thoughts and discoveries will take me.

One Door Closes, but Another Opens?

Hmmm. Hellen Keller may have had it there. Lately a lot of doors seem to be closing. Many aspects of my life are coming to an end, or being forcibly removed. On that note, I got my car back. Basically, there is just enough damage to make me angry, but not enough for insurance to cover, and every last thing that was in there of mine is now gone. Every hour I think of something else that is gone. Tons of clothes, equipment, paperwork and sentimental things are lost forever. On one hand maybe the lesson is not to get too attached to material things, but still. And I am a sentimental guy. Some of the things I lost have no value to anyone else, but to me they are important. Everything from my pad folio that I have used since Harvard to my Director's Script for Zanna, Don't with all my notes. Things of no meaning to anyone else, but lost to me, the one who cares.

Other aspects of my life are in the air too, but I am not ready to talk about them. Interestingly enough some things may be opening up too. Tonight at a fundraiser they had Tarot Card readers, and whether or not you believe in that, it was interesting. Rae and Justin and I (who had a month ago made a pact to move to NY in a year and a half) all got that a big move and major change was coming down the road. Lots of other interesting things were said. My friends had a field day as the things that came up representing me were intense passion and emotional decision making, a strong sense of business, and a search for my soul mate. If you know me, no doubt you are enjoying yourself now too. Who knows what the future holds.

On other fronts? Well, I am a producer of a musical. Who wouldn't use the songs in there? Oh dear. This could be interesting.

MIKE:
Well I was walkin? down the hall, just beginning my day,
When I see this guy, and he's comin' my way.
My heart starts thumping and my hands start to sweat
This is the closest thing to heaven that I'm ever gonna get.
I sit in class dreaming with a smile on my face.
The teacher calls on me but I'm still floatin' in space.
And she hands me back my quiz and I see all the things I missed
And she asks what the explanation is. I say
Well it looks like love, and it sounds like love,
And it seems like love, and it feels like love;
And it walks like love, and it talks like love,
And it runs like love, and it skips like love;
And it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
Disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, I think?
I think I got love.

STEVE: You think you got love?
MIKE: Yeah, I think I got love.
STEVE: Yeah, you think you got love?
MIKE: Yeah, it might be love.
STEVE: You think it could be love.
MIKE: I think it could be love.
STEVE: Man, I hope it's love, 'cuz at the game

I looked up at the crowd and thought I saw this guy
who was lookin' at me, though I could not imagine why.
My head started spinning, and it just kept gettin' worse,
and so right after the game, I headed straight down to the nurse.
She said,'You don't have a fever, you don't have the flu;
I don't think you're pregnant, so I don't have a clue.
But then she checked my heart it was purring like a cat
She smiled at me and said, I think I know what causes that.
She said, 'It looks like love, and it sounds like love,
and it seems like love, and it feels like love;
and it walks like love, and it talks like love,
and it runs like love, and it skips like love;
and it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, she said?
I think you got love.

MIKE: She thought you got love?
STEVE: She said it could be love.
MIKE: The nurse thought it was love?
STEVE: Yeah, I just came from her a minute ago and she said it was love.
MIKE: You think it could be love?
STEVE: I think it could be love.
MIKE: Man, I hope you got love...
I knew the first moment I saw you.
STEVE: Really? I didn't know for sure until you started singing a few minutes ago.
Up until then, I don't think I knew what love was.
MIKE: You mean you never...
STEVE: No, never. You know, being on the football team is not like being on the chess team
we're not the sex symbols
that you guys are.
MIKE: Oh...well...we're really not sex symbols...
STEVE:
Oh, yeah, right.
I never thought that someone like you would...go for someone like me.
MIKE: Ditto.

M/S:
Well it looks like love, and it sounds like love,
And it seems like love, and it feels like love;
And it walks like love, and it talks like love,
And it runs like love, and it skips like love;
And it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
Disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, I think?
I think we got lo-oo-oo-ve.
I think we got lo-oo-oo-ve.
I think we got love.

Thoughts from the Theft

There are times when things happen that really make you question a lot. I mean, just to pull an example from… thin air… if, say, your car was stolen, in broad daylight, while working at a theatre, you might question the morals of people. Why would you do that? I mean I know that lots of bad things happen to people in their lives, but at what point does someone look at themselves and decide that they are willing to hurt others to get what they want? Seriously, I don't know why someone would steal my car. The cops said they think it was for dope runs. Are you kidding me? Was it worth the money, time and trouble that you are causing someone else? I guess it was for them, but wow, how does someone get to that point.

Another thing that I have to question based on this experience, is our law enforcement. Now in many ways I have a lot of respect for the profession and their existence. I think that for the most part they do a great thing, and I applaud them for it. But tell me why is it that when something really bad happens, so little can seem to be done? When I have a parking ticket, they can hunt me down like no tomorrow, but when my car is stolen and I can't remember my license plate number, somehow all options for finding such a thing is beyond them. Uhm, isn't it a government registry? Aren't you the cops? Forgive my ignorance, but it seems to me that such information should hardly be beyond them. And I am not the only one to experience such things. When my mom calls in drug dealers across the street, how can they not get arrested? When someone who steals my car say they only borrowed it how can they only do one day in jail with no fine? In reverse, how is it that a missed speeding ticket can get you carted off for several days and several hundred dollars? Enough bitching about that.

I was happy with my friends. Several of them were there for me, even though there was little that anyone could do, people trying to help out, and especially offering rides was really helpful. Actually the offers were nice, but the shots were the best. ;-) Seriously, it was nice to see that people cared, and especially a particular person whom many have doubted, made a lot of effort when they didn't have to, to both help me out, and to make me feel better. It was very interesting to see how different people react to something like this. Some people turned immediately to jokes, others tried to console, while some just ignored the problem. I don't know that any way was better than others, but seeing different reactions, was certainly interesting.

Lastly, I am fascinated to think of why this happened, cosmically if you will. As a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, I wonder what impact this event has had and what was set in motion by this seemingly destructive occurrence. Was there a relationship that changed? Was staying over at a friend's house making some sort of difference? Did going out later and missing the show I planned on seeing eventful? Or maybe seeing the show I hadn't intended. So many possibilities, it is thrilling to try and think of what might have come from something that was in many ways a negative thing. Of course the unfortunate thing is that I could never figure it out, or if I do, it could easily be a long way down the road. Still, that doesn't mean it isn't fun to speculate.

I will know tomorrow how much damage there was, and if I lost everything or nothing, etc. Regardless of these facts though, as frustrating and depressing as the weekend's events were, it is definitely something that I like to look at and think about.