Asked for Advice

In brief, my birthday was less than I hoped for, but I made some new friends, and am going to have a real party when I get to K.C.

In other, and more interesting news, I have applied to be an advice panelist for Out, Inc. It is just a little side thing, but I think as much as I love writing and being opinionated, it will be an enjoyable thing for me. Ihad three question I was given to respond to. I thought it might be interesting to see them and there responses, so I decided to post them. The letters are numbered with my response following.

1. I've been seeing a guy off and on for about six months and I've noticed a disturbing pattern happening. I'm extremely attracted to him and we spend a lot of time at each other's apartments. But I have noticed that he's not the cleanest person on earth -- in fact, his apartment is downright filthy. When we started dating, he kept his place clean, but now that it's been six months, he doesn't seem to be putting any effort into cleaning before I come over. I've made jokes about it and he's "come clean" to me that he's always been sort of a slob. He's said he'd work on it, but he doesn't seem to be making any effort. Now it's at the point where his dirty habits are starting to affect how I feel about him -- but see, I really like everything else about him. How should I proceed? Do I lay down the law? Or should I just try to suck it up? Remember, this is someone I have deep feelings for. Help!

Mr. Clean-

Cleanliness can be a brutal relationship killer without anyone realizing it. Props to you for addressing it now. I guarantee laying down the law is the single worst thing that you can do. If his mom couldn't control this, chances are you can't either. Trying to force a 180 causes anger and makes you remind the man you're sleeping with of his mother.

Chances are his messiness is centered around things he doesn't like to do or doesn't care about. Keeping things clean initially was probably to make you happy, but no one can pretend forever. Try not to fault him, but let him know it matters to you and maybe he will care a little more.

For things you simply can't deal with, encouraging him to make subtle changes may be the ticket. Speaking as a master of disorganization myself, changing a few small habits, or locations of key things (hampers, etc.) makes a big difference, especially when it's easier to stay neat than not. Small things are really what make big changes, and if you are helping him make progress instead of scolding him, he will respond better and give you more of the results you want.

2. I've been single for a while now, mostly because I'm choosy. However, one of my friends introduced me to a friend of his, and we really hit it off. He's everything I want -- smart, funny, charming -- and it's also the most amazing sex I've ever had. The bad news is this: As I continue to get to know him, it's become clear to me that he has slept with just about everybody I know. Look, I don't want to pass judgment on that, but I have to be honest ¿ there's a part of me that feels like he's a total slut. The good news is he says he's really into me, has acknowledged his "past," and says he wants to be monogamous with me. I really want to get behind that and trust him, but am wondering how I am going to get past this, you know? What if we're at a party and I realize that he's slept with half the people there?

Choosy-

Smart, funny, charming, and after everyone he's slept with he chooses you? Sounds like a big shot of confidence. Seriously, you can't always fault people for their past without cutting a lot of amazing people out of your life. And as a gay man, do you really think you're going to find someone good looking that hasn't had some measure of a "slut phase"? Most of us go through it and go on to have great lasting relationships. I would say that since he has been upfront with you, that's a good thing and you should trust him until he gives you reason not to. Think of it this way, he's been around the block, which means he knows what he's looking for. That kind of stability is hard to find.

If you can get over the trust issue but are still nervous, try this: Any time you find yourself facing someone at a party he slept with, remind yourself that you are the one that has your guy now. You're the one he's going home with tonight, and you're the one he wants. No better recipe for getting over something than a big old fashioned shot of ego.

3. I met someone recently and the attraction was immediate. Trust me -- on our first few dates, we couldn't even look at each other without feeling this urgent attraction. He's amazing, and we also have everything in common -- we just look at each other googley-eyed all the time. We've messed around a few times already and it's so passionate. But here's the problem: We're both tops. And I don't mean versatile tops, I mean we're both 100 percent top-tops. We've talked about this, but the issue does seem to have put up some sort of barrier between us. See, for now, it's fine and it's not a big deal. But if this relationship actually goes somewhere -- which I think it might -- this could become a really big deal. Do I end this now, or do I stick with it and try to work it out. And how the heck do I work this out?

Totally Top-

Your problem is certainly one that a lot of us have dealt with. Without defined roles, it is no surprise that you're going to find someone that doesn't take the role you're used to your partner taking. The good thing is that most gay men don't have to have anal sex to have an amazing sex life. Though the percentages vary, studies show that many guys don't like that kind of action, or simply don't prefer it, even with their long-term partners. The question you have to ask yourselves is can you be one of these couples?

It sounds like you both have a lot of fun together without topping one another. It doesn't sound like either of you are the type of guys who can only get off with anal sex. With such a great range of activities you can engage in together, you only have to ask if that's going to be enough. For a lot of guys it certainly can be. So long as you can continue pleasing each other, keep on trucking, and don't let yourselves get hung up on something that only is an issue in the hypothetical.