Goodbye before Hello

Having spent a great deal of my life traveling all around the country, one thing seems to be fairly consistent no matter the area that I am in: No one wants to meet anyone, at least not socially. Every day we are constantly surrounded by people we don't know, and somehow we keep it that way. Some people tell me that Europeans don't share this problem, but I haven't spent enough time internationally to test this theory. For the USA though, I know it is true.

Don't get me wrong. I know that you can't possibly "meet" everyone that you come into contact with. For one, no one has time for all that, and more importantly perhaps, your brain would explode. As far as the social envelope goes, I seem to push it as far as I can. I meet people all over the place, and even when I am not spending much time with a person, I allow a certain amount of intimacy. By that I mean striking up a 20 second conversation with the cashier at Starbucks, or the person waiting in line beside me. I try and meet new people when I go out, and especially anyone who is a friend of a friend. My thought is "If they like you, there's probably something I can like as well."

The fact of the matter is that I know that I am very odd in this. For one, a lot of people seem confused when I talk to them randomly. Furthermore, watching other people shows me that most people don't really do this all that much. People seem to have built walls around themselves, and I am not really sure why. I understand that some people don't really have a wall, sometimes they just don't feel like expending the energy, but really, often times, what else are you going to do? Take for instance my recent trip to Omaha. I was there with one of my best friends as he tried out for American Idol. Shortly after we arrived, I was conversing with the front desk people, finding out what they liked to do around town, both for my own information, and just to enjoy their company. I know that this is something that doesn't happen very often to them, because for the next 4 days that we were there, they were overly nice to me, and always seemed excited when I came around. The reason? People thrive on human contact. Even the most solid introverts need and on some level crave a certain level of human interaction. Short, curt, wall-encased phrases to get what you need and leave while "technically" an interaction, don't really satiate this need at all. Many people might argue that people in the service industry get too much contact, but truth be told, the often get less than anyone else. Because they are so busy interacting with their customers, they have less opportunity to interact with their co-workers in any meaningful way, and few people seem willing to let down any of their walls with "the help."

I find this to be ridiculous. Now of course there is only so much that you can do and say when you are being waited on by someone, or checking out, but truth be told, even within the limited time constraints that exist, you can make a very quick, short connection. Some of the best memories I have of people are definitely what Fight Club names as "Single Serving Friends." There is certainly nothing wrong with this, and I guarantee that both the customer and the person delivering the service have a better day when some of those barriers don't exist.

Another great example from the trip was the audition itself. For those of you who have never been, they put thousands (no that is not an exaggeration at all) of people into a huge auditorium, many of them sitting around for more than 8 hours until all is said and done. I had so much fun. Being around so many different people, many of them from the far reaches of the country, all with completely different backgrounds, all there for different reasons, despite the single goal of the audition. The thing was though, it was still hard to meet people. Talk to someone and they look at you askance, as if to ask "What manner of creature are you that you actually want to meet people?" Not counting the guys we met while stuck in line, it was like pulling teeth to actually talk to someone. The only meaningful conversation happened to end up being someone I met at the audition for 5 seconds and then bumped into later that night while just hanging out. You would think that with all those people all with nothing else to do, I would have met almost too many people rather than almost none. It really exasperates me.

When you throw yourself into a "social" scene, rather than get better, things actually get worse. Walk into a bar, and no matter what you instantly pile on a hundred qualifiers. The most important being, "Are they hitting on me?" Because of this we instantly have a hundred different pre conceived notions of who and what we want to talk to. Sexuality doesn't matter in the least. Straight bars, gay bars, whatever. No matter who you come into contact with, the thought is the same, and the only way you are really able to break through the barrier is to be exactly what they want at the moment. Going out by yourself is considered a bad thing to do, and frankly, it often isn't any fun. People travel in packs, not juts to enjoy themselves with their friends, but to insulate themselves from actually admitting anyone new. The few lone wolves are normally looking to "meet someone" in the sense of romantically, and with that much pressure, you fall back immediately into the myriad of qualifiers.

Why is it that someone can't go out, and it be thought normal for them to strike up a conversation with random strangers? Why is it that when we are out somewhere, you don't imagine that we can make new friends. No matter where you are, the people around you have at least one thing in common with you: they are doing whatever you are. Standing in line at Starbucks? Chances are you both like coffee. Sitting in a theatre? At least a modicum of similar movie taste. At a bar? If nothing else you are experiencing (for good or ill) the same scene. Given even these simple similarities it seems to be that you should be able to always strike up a conversation. If those simple superficial things happen not to take you any further, so be it. What have you lost? I think that the chance to meet and experience something new always brings its own rewards, and the fact that you could meet someone really amazing is an added bonus. Why oh why then, can't we just be ok when someone says, "Hello?"