Right Place at the Right Time? And More Trio Musings

Last night after a successful HRC Meeting, the evening continued at Trio. As is often the case when I am with those friends, particularly at that bar, many interesting topics came up for discussion. I always like these conversations, because there is such a wealth of experience to draw on, and from so many different places and viewpoints. I was the only one under 30, and most were over 40 with significant experience, so they all have a lot to say.

Over the course of the evening we talked about a great many things, and I really enjoyed the travel conversations. I am working it out to not increase my travel per se this year, but rather to expand the places that I go to. I have been pretty much every where in the U.S., but already I have now put on the agenda Brazil and Hawaii for this year. I am also looking at 2 European trips next year. I have always had friends abroad, but I am finally putting off taking these trips.

As seems so often is the case, the subject of relationships came up. While I certainly like hearing their viewpoints and experience on the subject, with everything I am trying to deal with on my own, this was the one subject I would have been happy to avoid. Alas, as one of the people at our table was mulling over some serious issues, the inevitable conversation ensued.

One of the interesting thing that we did talk about was the differences between guys and girls, and even more among gay men and lesbians. With the latter groups there does seem to be some fluidity, but some things seem more the same. The girls were pretty much unable to grasp the thought of having a "friend with benefits" while the guys had seen, if not experienced it quite a lot. There was speculation about the relationship that women have with sex compared to men, but then there were two of us who felt like we empathized with both groups. One friend had enjoyed casual relationships in his past, but now was happily married, which is what he really wanted. The casual ones were fun, but not the ultimate. I certainly understand the distinction. Another guys talked about how even in relationships, sex was simply for recreation, and though it took place within a relationship, it was just fun no matter what. The girls were in direct opposition to this.

One thing that did surprise me was the clear stated value of the "u-haul." The common joke is that while among 2 men, the first date always leads to sex, with 2 women, the first date always comes with one of them bringing a U-Haul. This of course meaning that they move in right away. I have seen some evidence of this, but have never really given thought to the pros and cons before. Listening to both the men and women agree that while scary, moving in sooner than later can save a whole lot of time. Obviously you have to be cognizant of how easily you can recover if things go sour, but as one of the girls said, "There is no better way to find out if there is really the potential for the long term." I can see how this is true, and when I think of some of the bad roommates people put up with, it's kind of a wonder that people are so afraid of moving in too soon. Some might say that you have to wait for the right time, which of course brings us to the most interesting topic.

Is timing everything? The last thing that we talked about, the one that I really philosophize about is the matter of timing. The phrase "the right place at the right time" is said so often, and yet looking at it, I wonder how often this happens in relationships. Listening at those couples who have lasted the longest, it seemed almost that they met at some of the worst times for one another. It kind of goes to what I have talked about before, when people tell me that when I look for love I won't find it. The only times I find I am not looking for it, is when it really is a bad time in my life due to whatever extraneous circumstances exist. In those moments, by these standards, it would be so the wrong time, but the most likely that I will find what I really wanted. It doesn't help that my current circumstance falls obnoxiously into this category on both sides.

My friend Michael made a big deal about talking how looking for timing makes us forget that relationships are work. No matter how happy or unhappy someone is alone, it truly is easier. In his case, he is quick to add that the work he puts into his relationship with his partner is the most valuable thing he does, but it still is work. The girls chimed in, agreeing completely and saying that often the work brings great rewards, and can even be fun while it is happening, but it is still a great effort. My friend that brought this subject up was mentioning how he had not met someone when it was the right time, and that there were points he had met people when he shouldn't be in a relationship. The table was quick to respond that though you have to be cautious when looking at what is going on in your life before getting into something serious, timing can be your worst enemy. Life is so tumultuous, if you wait for the perfect time, you will almost certainly miss the perfect mate. Chances are, both don't come along at the same time. As this conversation continued, it made me wonder so much about what I have seen in my own life. To hear these people who hold some of the best relationships I have ever seen all come to agreement on this, and yet have others say that overcoming timing can be impossible, I can't help but wonder how two people can both overcome the circumstances in their own worlds to make sure that they can be together. I certainly know that I feel much more likely to look simply for the right guy, not try to be in "the right place at the right time." I would rather work for something incredible than to fall into something less worthwhile.