The value of a listener

It is interesting to me how the darker it is, the more difference that a small amount of light can make. This is obviously true literally, but possibly even more so figuratively. When things are going bad in someone's life, a small change to the better, can seem so much more significant. Especially when that light comes from a person. When I am having a bad day, or even more when I am on a downward spiral with life's frustrations, some people have the power to make all the difference.

As I am sure that you know, I am a pretty buoyant person. Day-to-day, I am pretty much "up." The problem is, that since I also think a great deal, when something goes seriously wrong, if I don't immediately pull myself up, it is really easy to think my way to the abyss of my soul. When looking on a problem that deeply effects me, it normally resembles or even has sources in other areas of my life. When thinking about one too much, it leads me to think of others, and since I am constantly putting problems in the back of my mind, it is almost like karma gets me back by making all of them come up with brutal intensity. Sometimes it overwhelms me for a night, while others it comes and goes for quite a while, despite my intentions to overcome my own thoughts.

It probably goes without saying that most people don't want to be around during these times in my life, and when they are, they certainly want to divert the subject from anything that might be bothering me. I think I have mentioned once before, but there are times when it would be nice for people to actually listen and care, and recently I had one of those nights. This time, for possibly the first time ever, things were different. When I was asked, I realized that I was slightly in disbelief, and although I desperately wanted to talk, I was nervous about talking about bad things. I am not sure exactly why, but it was certainly there.

When he pushed and prodded, I resisted without even knowing why, and yet instead of being happy to be given an easy way out, he worked even harder to get to the bottom of what was bothering me so much. When I finally started talking, it was like a great damn had broken, and my very essence was rushing forth. There was a lot that I still held back, I think because no matter how blindly optimistic I am, it is still hard to trust people, but what I said was met with enthusiasm and interest. He challenged me to look at things differently. He didn't offer false hopes, or even solutions, but he engaged me, showing me that in that moment, we were sharing my problem. It was one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever experienced.

That night didn't really solve my problems, but I felt better nonetheless. In addition to that, I started to look around, and take in the small things that I have always enjoyed even more. The smiles from random people as well as ones that I care about. The contact between one person and another. The joy of trying something new. Small things all, but to me so very valuable. I have always cared about the small things, but for some reason, as bad as things were, they seemed all the more apparent, and all the more important. I hope that I give the people in my life some of the same feelings as I felt when I was in my dark little hole. Whether simply with a smile, or a good ear, I hope that I a make a difference. I know that I have said similar things before, but for one, I feel it is really important, and two, its what was on my mind, so that's what I wrote about. Hope you still enjoyed.

Election Recovery

Okay, I know that it took me a week to make any sort of response after what happened last week, but trust me, no one would have liked what I had to say during most of that time, and I try not to make it so that I rant too much. It's always hard to lose, and even harder to have the people you put your faith into not see it through when the going gets tough.

The week overall has been pretty good. I avoided human contact for most of Wednesday, but recovered fairly quickly after that. I cringed as I read the papers that revealed the new agenda of the Presidency, although nothing was too surprising. Luckily for me, West Wing Season 3 came out, so I did a little consoling by watching some of those episodes. They really motivate me, which is what I needed. After all that I had put into the elections, and so few of them going my way, I was feeling rather dispirited. But, now I am up to fight another day, which will make some of you cheer, and some of you cry, but hey, that's life.

I did do something rather unusual for me the other day. On Saturday, I went with Chris to Brian Busby's house where he and a bunch of his friends were playing poker. Although I have played the game from time to time, it is certainly not something that regularly comes up, and certainly not with that kind of formality, and I found it quite refreshing. One of my favorite things to do change things up so that there is no routine in my life, and yet the world tries its best to curb this kind of instability, so it is nice when something comes along that breaks up the monotony. Chris and I did fairly well, especially considering the fact that I never play the game, and we made a small return on what we put up.

Other than that, I have been spending a lot of time working on my final paper for my MU class, which is rather intensive, and requiring way too much of my time, but it will be good to have it done so that I can focus on consolidating my residences to Kansas City. That is something I am looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to living full time in KC for a while, but of course I am not thrilled about the action of moving half of my stuff across the state. Oh well, I think it will be worth it.

Well, I don't want to ramble on much more, and I really don't want to get onto something too deep, I just wanted to put something up for those of you who follow my life. I suppose that I will let you go. I will probably get back to saying something important to me in a day or so, so as always, check back often or simply subscribe and save yourself the task. Till then /wave!

Election Fiasco

I am going to add links to stories, or put clips about the election fiasco here:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6364144/

Election Frustrations

So it's the day after the biggest election of my entire life, and I have no closure. For the second time in history, America, despite all of its advanced technology can't seem to get an election done. Of course, I can't say that this was unexpected. For weeks now, the news has been reporting flaws in the voting systems. A month ago, the Canadian election chancellor visited Missouri to inspect the voting and balloting systems and he said what he saw "terrified him." The ballots in every city are done differently, ranging from hand counted "marker" ballots to the high tech touch screens in Florida (which of course need no paper backup, because we can trust the computer designers- note that the company presidents of all the suppliers are Republicans). I am not even trying to say that there is an inherent cheating streak in the Republican party, but when you look at the effects of 2000, you can't help but wonder what dramatic impact small things like this will have.

Last night, I was up till 2am, fretting over the future of my nation. From 7:00, I was at the Democratic Headquarters, having somehow become the unofficial numbers guy for the entire packed crowd. The Internet was about 30 minutes ahead of the TV, and certain elections had certain sites that you could watch to find true numbers, not media projections, so before long, the TV didn't matter, people just came to me and asked their race. For a while it was kind of invigorating, but then I started to see the dramatic effects of the election on people- most of it negative.

So many of us put our time, effort, money, sweat, and blood into this election, and so many of us are left in tears. I know that there always has to be a loser in these things, but I can't help but be defeated as I watch some of these races unfold. We turned out record numbers of voters, raised amazing amounts of money, talked to our friends, family, co-workers, and so much of it seems to be for nothing. A main thing that I can't get over is the fact that I was used to make my own candidates lose. How? This year, the Republican party made Gay Marriage the new Abortion. The used it as a wedge issue in every close race possible. This agitates me on so many fronts. For one, EVERY poll showed that as a priority to the average citizen, gay marriage was at the bottom of their list, and yet to listen to and watch the advertisements of the Republicans, you would think it was more important than the economy.

What's worse, is that it worked. The American people got so up in arms over this issue, that it colored over nearly everything else, as countless exit polls showed. Of course this shouldn't come as a surprise considering I believe 15 states now have written their own citizens out of their state constitutions. What I want to know is why is the thought of two individuals of the same sex so threatening to people? I can understand the religious argumentation, although I think it's rediculous, I can at least understand it. But we live in AMERICA. Land of the Free. Seperation of Church and State. We are talking about the civil rights of individuals here, and the only argument that people can throw around is the Bible. (I won't even go into how even that argument is flawed beyond belief). What kind of sense does that make?

I think what bothers me most about this election is that it was too emotional. Issues were hardly ever really discussed. There were lots of vague references, but when it came down to what really showed up, it was smear campaigns, and fear tactics. "Don't vote for so and so, because they will let those gays get married, and that just isn't what America wants." "If you elect so and so, you will put our country at risk." This use of the media cheap at best. People got so caught up in the thought of an attack, either on the moral fabric of the country or by an outside force, that they failed to look at anything past that. I can handle an election that is lost on the facts, or one that is lost on the debate floor, but losing an election over tactics, I can't get around, and last night showed that is exactly what happened.

And what is the deal with the White House declaring victory when Ohio holds 20 electoral votes? Well, if any of you were watching the specials they had yesterday, you might find out that it is because THOUSANDS of voters in urban areas in Ohio (Democratic leaning of course) were standing outside for upwards of 11 hours to vote! There was one interview with a college student who had been at the polls since 4pm, and the estimates they were giving him as to when he could vote were going to be close to 3am! Now I am politically motivated, but that would stretch even my limits. How many good, honest people simply couldn't wait that long and had to go home to their jobs or their families? In addition, the eleciton officials started handing out paper ballots, which may or may not actually count. They are part of the "Provincial Ballots" that are going yo be up in the air for 10 DAYS!!! How many voices weren't or won't be heard? What about the soldiers that were complaining about their filling status being revoked because they were in Afganastan or Iraq and the mail took too long to get back and forth? I would think that the people dying for our country should have a pretty good say in what goes on in our country.

I do not want you to come away from this thinking that I am embittered over the outcome of the election (especially since we have no outcome). I am frustrated with the election in general. I am agrivated at how the campaigns were run, and the ploys that were used. I am enraged at the lengths that people will go to silence voices that they don't want to hear. Above all, I am amazed that we so blindly let it happen. I had hoped that we had learned from the dabolical in 2000, but apparently, we are willing to let the same things happen over and over, and in my opinion they will until people are willing to use their voice and make it stop.

Changed Directions

So I have decided to write about something that has come up in conversations with several of my friends lately that at least in some way touches most people throughout their life. The issue is self worth with regards to progress and goals. Maybe it's the changing of the seasons, but several people have gotten very downtrodden and one of the main things that they seem to have issue with is that they feel like they aren't going anywhere. Since I have had this feeling several times in my life, I can understand completely, but as I have gotten older, I have come to have a greater understanding of the problem, and what to do about it.

I think that there is some inherent need within people to have direction in their lives. For some people (like myself) it is almost a constant driving force, while in others it only occurs to them once in a while, but somewhere deep down, it still exists. No matter which of these people you are, there are points in your life where you stop, look around and when you see yourself with no direction to go, or no ground behind you, it is easy to become down, to lose faith in yourself and feel uncomfortable in your life. I know that there have been several occasions where that has been the case with me.

As most of you know, I am a very ambitious and driven person. In addition, my goals often seem ridiculously grandiose to most people. For me, I have always felt that I had a lot to do in this world, and I have never felt satisfied setting my goals lower than what my heart told me to. In addition, I am, in true Sagittarian form, blindly optimistic, so I can get away with goals that most people balk at. Of course with such high aims, and of course my lack of patience, I often became discouraged at life's challenges.

One of the best examples I can think of is school. Immediately after high school, I went to Harvard, but could only afford to stay for one session. When I came back, I got entangled in the life of my best friend at the time, and basically because of him put of school for the next 2 and a half years. When I finally realized the impact that he was having on my life and the selfish nature with which he was using me, I felt impossibly behind. For me, my life had always been planned around the thought of good grades in high school, followed by college, and from there to make my dreams come true. This horrible deviation derailed me and sent me spiraling down into self defeat.

Since that time, I have realized that my impression was wrong. Although there may have been benefit to avoiding the situation altogether, having lived through it, I had to make the best of what I was left with. What I found was that during that time, I unearthed my natural affinity for business, and learned some of life's most valuable lessons. These things probably wouldn't have happened on my "dream track." Of course since then, I have put some emphasis on school, but it has now been prefaced on learning, not on the degree, and I am no longer willing to sacrifice my life for that peice of paper.

I am now almost 24 years old, and had I followed my road map, I would have graduated a year and a half ago. I would probably even have a good job, although I don't know if I would be happy there. What I have instead is the groundwork for my dream. I have started making the network of businesses which I feel will bring my goals into fruition. Had I not been derailed by life, I may never have found this outlet, and I certainly wouldn't be as far along today as I am. People seem constantly surprised that I have done so much with my life at so young, and I now realize that it wasn't my original intention at all. I simply grasped the straws that I was left with and made the most of it. In retrospect, it was the best thing that could have happened to me.

The moral that I draw from this story is mainly that you can't be defeated. You can't look back on your life and see how little ground you have covered, and let that hold you back. There are going to be times when we feel like we are walking in place. If we stop, then we truly do lose our momentum. It is important to keep going forward towards our goals and to let life throw things in our path. I have always believed that things happen for a reason. Call it fate or the hand of God, I think that we sometimes need to be derailed in order to get where we really want to go.

What I think is the hardest thing for people to do, and yet the thing that must be done is to keep going, and to take value in the small steps that we take. My friend Christopher recently mentioned to me that he had taken "the first step in a million" that had to be taken in order to get to the career goal that he wants. We all go through this. The important thing to realize is that so long as we are moving forward, we are doing what we need. For Christopher, it was his first literary review. Was it with the publication he wanted, or with the title he desires? No. But he was writing. Do I have my degree? No. But I am constantly taking classes that enhance my education. I am making progress. Do I have an international network of businesses that can change the political and social landscape with its reach? No. But I have created the framework. I have a network in place that in the future can grow to the scope I see so far off. We have to look at this forward progression as an accomplishment all on its own.

One of my friends was lamenting about his job, and how he wanted something more. I told him not ot get so hung up on the fact that he didn't have the job that he wanted yet, but instead to look at whether or not he was doing something that was going to get him where he wanted to go in the future. Was he taking classes? Was he meeting people? Was he reading and expanding his horizions to be able to seek out what he wanted? I told him that if any of these answers were yes, then he was making progress. He was moving forward in his life.

Not trying to be cliche, but I truly believe that "Life is a journey, not a destination." We need to make sure that we are on a journey to better ourselves and reach our goals, but at the same time enjoy ourselves along the way. I am not willing to sacrifice my life or those that I love for a single step in my journey. It may take me longer, but I will get there eventually, and because of the life I have led and the people that I have kept close to me along the way, I will be glad that I got there. I guess what I want to say more than anything is that people should have faith in themselves, and let the journey be a good one. Things won't always go as planned, but so long as you keep moving forward and enjoy the scenery while you are there, things will always work in the end.

Acting on politics

Well, I have just gotten back from St. Louis where I attended the HRC Gala Dinner and a brunch. As always, I come back with a renewed sense of energy from being around people who are truly working to make a difference. I sometimes forget how nice it is to have discourse over the challenges that are facing our community, country, and world, and being reminded of it certainly puts me in a good frame of mind.

This trip was exceptionally energizing, partially because I was able to have more intimate conversations with people. Although we were all there in support of the HRC the things that we discussed covered a much broader spectrum. I think that once a person takes it upon themselves to make a difference in one area, it is a lot easier for them to realize what's going on in the other areas of their life. Unfortunately I don't think that enough people take this initial step, and as such, a few individuals are carrying a large portion of the weight of making change. Even voting seems beyond the capabilities of so many people, and then of course there are those that vote with only half the information that they really need.

One of my friends remarked that this year has really opened their eyes as to how easy it is to be led by politicians and the media. When having discussions, people will regurgitate opinions that aren't there own simply because they had heard them elsewhere. It's aggravating to me because so often there is little research as to what exactly the statement that they are making really means.

As you saw at the opening of this entry, I watched The American President. I really enjoyed that movie, even though in some ways it seemed a bit of a stretch, but the message was really good. Without going into too much detail, the President (Michael Douglas) starts going out with a girl, and his opponent makes it into this big smear campaign. He takes little truths, and blows them out of proportion, trying to enrage the average American.

When I saw this scenario, I almost laughed. I wish that I could write down Douglas's final speech word for word because he retaliates in a way that I can't do justice to. His basic argument was that people who resort to fear tactics do so because they can't actually talk about anything important. The people who use fear and anger to run campaigns are doing so because they want to win. These people aren't there for us. Once, Mel Carnahan (former Governor of MO) was talking and he went on at great length about how being in office wasn't a job, and certainly not a career; being in office was a tour of duty. It was a time when you give up a part of yourself to do something for the people that you serve. He talked about civil service, and how that is what politics really is, or should be. The people that lead us are there for us. Once again in the movie, Michael J Fox played a policy advisor who went off on the President, and when called on it, he said something to the effect that he had every right to question him, not because he was an advisor, but because he was a citizen, and it was our right and our duty to question our leaders.

I truly hope to see more people become involved in the world. For all its horrible implications, this election has registered a record number of voters. It is my hope that maybe some of these people are starting to see the problems with what's going on in the world. As Douglas said, "This country has a lot of problems." I want to see people go out there and support politicians who are actually going to fix these problems. So many times I read about bills that baffle me. What do they really do to solve the problems? Democrats are notorious for settling; spending money, but not doing enough or in the right way to fix the problem, and Republicans seem to overload there senses with money and religion that they can't get to the problem either.

I am tired of seeing bills like business bill that came out of congress just a short time ago that gave so much away, mostly with pork-barrelling, but didn't solve any of the economic problems we have in this country, and yet so many people applauded the effort.

In the last month, I have attended more political and charity events than I have in the last year, and it has given me great hope, and a greater energy. I talk to these people who are starting to see clarity in the problems around, and they are trying to find solutions. This is what our country needs. Politicians won't change if citizens don't make them. We all have the ability to do more. We all can fight for more than we do, but it seems that we let things get in the way. It is my belief that it is our duty to pay attention. We have a lot of freedom, but we let so much of it go to waste, and even risk losing it by our inaction. I have determined not to let that happen where I am concerned and I hope that the people that know me and listen to me come away with the same kind of feeling. Taking a stand is never a bad thing, so long as you believe in what you fight for. Even when I am in disagreement with those who are behind what they believe, I can respect them. I urge everyone to make thier own stand and use whatever they have, be it their voice, their dollar, or their time. Make a difference. If we won't how can we expect the world to ever change?

Life's steam truck?

Ugh. I feel like I was hit by a steam truck. For some reason, last night, I got entirely hot and although a nice bath helped, it didn't produce any lasting effects. So, I just went to bed. A night of feverish dreams is all that I found. As interesting as those dreams were, it made it so that I got little real sleep, but stayed in bed for an incredibly long time. Today was little better, although at some point in the night my fever did seem to break for the most part. All that was left today seemed to be the lethargy and soreness, of course there was plenty of that to go around. Sadly, this feeling kept me from accomplishing much today, which I greatly regret.

I am not a guy who gets sick very often, but when I finally do, it hits me hard and mercilessly. It drives me nuts that I can't seem to get anything done when it happens. I tried to work on a paper, listen to some lectures, and get some sheets done for work, but to no avail. I simply could not focus on what I was trying to do, and as such, I am greatly agitated. This may in fact be part of why I am writing about how I physically feel- because I can't seem to form any respectable or coherent thoughts that might interest you.

I sometimes wonder if instances like this are my body's way of forcing me to slow down. Thinking back on all the things that I had intended to do today kind of makes me realize how much I cram into a day, and if it happens to drain my energy or make me sleep a little less, I don't really mind. It kind of makes sense that I would only be able to do this for so long. Despite how much I like breaking the rules, there is only so much that I can get away with, so in that sense, I can understand why my body would have to force me to take a breather. Lord knows I am not likely to do it on my own.

Well, I am sure that you are bored out of your mind by now, and I would hate for you to lose interest, so I will leave you with that for now. Take care.

Where are the heroes?

As I was sitting around talking with some friends at a fundraiser today, I saw the MO Gubernatorial Debate. After it was over, we were talking and it really drove home what bothers me with the majority of politics and power in today's world. Why is it that people always feel like they are choosing the lesser of two evils? I know that there is no such thing as a perfect person, but why always so much negativity? I have thought a lot about it, but have come up with no real answers.

I have wondered if it has really always been like this, and if not, what is it about modern society that is so different? Could it be that the media is just so widespread that it's easier to see someone's flaws? In some ways that makes sense. It takes hours for a story to be spread across the nation, and nearly everyone has access to the information that is being spread. Perhaps the people are no different, just that we can see their flaws so much more accurately now than before.

I still cannot help but feel that we are lacking in heroes today. Even outside of the world of politics, it just seems that there are so few people that stand out in my mind as mainstream heroes. Of course there are people who make an impact: our parents, teachers, rescue workers, etc. But where are the Lincolns and the Franklins... the JFKs and the MLKs? Has our world become so big that we cannot single out individual people who actually shape our society? Is it simply that we have lost our illusions about people? Could it be that we are so cynical that we have lost our ability to see another as a true hero?

Somehow I think that deep down people still want heroes. I don't know why none seem to move our society like they used to. Some people use a Hollywood as an explanation. We don't need real heroes when we can so easily create our own. Of course the reverse could just as easily be said. Are we more drawn to false heroes because there are no real ones?

I could, and probably will at some point continue at length with heroes in general, but for now, back to politics, it kills me that I so often feel like I am casting my vote against someone rather than for someone. I can't help but feel that this very idea is against the ideals of our political structure and yet I feel that there is often no choice. Why is it so hard for a politician to come to the forefront that people can get behind?

I sometimes wonder if it's the ambition factor. In today's world, you have to be such an impressive fundraiser that almost no one just gets into any high level politics as their civic duty. If I had my choice, I would like to have a lot less career politicians. I would like to see more people involved in their government. Rather than the higher positions being given to those who can rally the most money to their cause, I would like to see them more spread amongst a variety of individuals. The majority of politicians are lawyers. How different would things be if there were more academics? While this is just one example, I think that there would be a severe impact on the way our country was run.

Well, enough of my ranting for tonight. I hope that in some of your elections, you are able to fully stand behind your candidate, and not support them simply because they are a little better than the other guy.

Worthwhile moments

Today as I was checking my e-mail, I got one of those forwards from one of my friends that are traditionally very cheesy. When I read this one though, I really liked what it said. You know, sometimes it's not such a horrible thing to be reminded of some good things. Cheesy? Maybe; but that doesn't mean that it isn't worthwhile every once in a while. So, I thought I would share this with you, and then talk about it some more. Even if you aren't someone who normally reads things like this, take a minute and do so. It might make you think.

Too many people put off something that brings them joy just because they haven't thought about it, don't have it on their schedule, didn't know it was coming or are too rigid to depart from their routine.

I cannot count the times I called my sister and said, "How about going to lunch in a half hour?" She would gasp and stammer, "I can't. I have clothes on the line. My hair is dirty. I wish I had known yesterday. I had a late breakfast. It looks like rain." And my personal favorite: "It's Monday." She died a few years ago. We never did have lunch together.

Because Americans cram so much into their lives, we tend to schedule our headaches.

We live on a sparse diet of promises we make to ourselves when all the conditions are perfect!

We'll go back and visit the grandparents when we get Stevie toilet-trained.

We'll entertain when we replace the living-room carpet.

We'll go on a second honeymoon when we get two more kids out of college.

Life has a way of accelerating as we get older.

The days get shorter, and the list of promises to ourselves gets longer.

One morning, we awaken, and all we have to show for our lives is a litany of "I'm going to", "I plan on" , and "Someday, when things are settled down a bit."

When anyone calls my 'seize the moment' friend, she is open to adventure and available for trips. She keeps an open mind on new ideas. Her enthusiasm for life is contagious. You talk with her for five minutes, and you're ready to trade your bad feet for a pair of Roller blades and skip an elevator for a bungee cord.

My lips have not touched ice cream in 10 years. I love ice cream. It's just that I might as well apply it directly to my stomach with a spatula and eliminate the digestive process. The other day, I stopped the car and bought a triple-decker. If my car had hit an iceberg on the way home, I would have died happy.

Now...go on and have a nice day. Do something you WANT to......not something on your SHOULD DO list.

If you were going to die soon and had only one phone call you could make, who would you call and what would you say? And why are you waiting?

Make sure you read this to the end; you will understand why I sent this to you.  

Have you ever watched kids playing on a merry go round or listened to the rain lapping on the ground?

Ever followed a butterfly's erratic flight or gazed at the sun into the fading night?

Do you run through each day on the fly?

When you ask "How are you?" Do you hear the reply?

When the day is done, do you lie in your bed with the next hundred chores running through your head?

Ever told your child, "We'll do it tomorrow." And in your haste, not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch?

Let a good friendship die?

Just call to say "Hi"? When you worry and hurry through your day, It is like an unopened gift....Thrown away...

Life is not a race. Take it slower.

Hear the music before the song is over.

Okay, so it was still sappy, but a lot of it is really important. I know I have talked before about lost friends and how much it hurts. I like a few things in particular. "When you ask 'How are you?' Do you hear the reply?" I think that more often than not we don't. How many times does the person respond "Okay"? More often than not, this is a standard response, and we just go one with the rest of the conversation. Regardless of what the answer is, there is always more information behind what they said. "Not bad," probably means that there is something bothering them. If you really care how they are, follow up.

Think about when someone says they have "Had a rough day." How often do you agree and launch into your own tale of woe? Often people will try and get someone to listen to them only to find out that they aren't going to get it. When I took Psychology at Harvard, I had an amazing professor, and he told us that the best thing that a psychologist could do was listen. He said that almost no one had someone who would actually listen to them. I thought to prove him wrong, and so I called some very significant people that night, wanting to talk about some of the problems I had. They included my best friend and my parents. Not one of them listened for more than 2 minutes before turning to their own conversations. I went to bed in tears, feeling truly alone. I try to watch myself and catch me from doing things like that to others. Trust me, I know it's hard, but I also think it's worth it.

I don't necessarily agree that you should take life slower, but I think that if you have to make time for the things that you enjoy, and take time for yourself. On top of that, I think that if you take a little more time doing for other people, you will feel much better. I would like to think that there is something within human nature that improves the way we feel about ourselves when we help others. A small effort can turn someone's day completely around. A simple smile or a kind word can go a long way. More than anything, everyone can offer, and can use a sympathetic ear. Listening is one of the best things that you can do for someone else as well as for yourself. I highly recommend it.

Well, I went on that strain for long enough. I am going to go enjoy the rest of my Thursday night.

Problems without support

Sometimes this world just frustrates me. Take today for example, a friend of mine was really upset because he spoke to his mom only to find out that they were behind on all of their bills because his dad was unable to work because of a problem with his knee. Surgery is comming (but of course expensive), but even then they say that he might be out of work for several months, and at least a few weeks. Already the time he has had to be off has put them into the hole.

What really irks me about this situation is that the people involved don't deserve this situation. They don't live extravagantly at all. In fact, it takes all that they have to be able to pay for their house, car, living expenses, and tuition for school. The mom works, but of course, is underpaid. The dad's company doesn't offer any kind of quality health insurance or sick pay, so they are pretty much up the creek without a paddle. I have talked to my friend about helping them try and get some help, but there seems to be less and less out there to get, and it's difficult to navigate throught all the red tape to get the help that they need.

Over the last several years, there have been an ever increasing amount of cuts in social programs, and of course with the publicity of the presidential debates, we have all heard of the issues with health insurance. I can tell you from my own experience that offering health insurance is almost impossible. This last year alone, costs increased 23%, a number that most small businesses simply can't swallow. Small businesses employ a majority of American workers and are the backbone of our economy, but because of the way the system currently works, they simply are unable to offer the kind of benefits that people need. We aren't talking about frivilous things, but the basic necessities like health and retirement.

Of course on top of the business issues, there seems to be little help for those who run into problems that are not of their own design. Looking at situations like that of my friend's family, I can't help but wonder why there are so many people opposed to social programs that help people. In this case, we aren't talking about people who are unwilling to work, or who are trying to be a drain on society, but good, hard-working, Americans who run into a problem or a string of problems that threatens to take everything away from them. Maybe it's just me, but I simply can't see how we as a society can let that happen.

I don't want to turn this into a political rant, but I will say that it amazes me how people can support candidates that advocate the removal of vital social programs. Perhaps those people should step back and think of what it would be like if they were in a similar position. Lower and lower-middle class citizens often have to scrape just to get by. When the winds of fate bring them some calamity, it can often shatter everything that they have worked so hard for. I think that is horrible no matter where in the world they live, but when they call America, the richest, most powerful world in the nation, their home, I think this situation is a crime. We as a society need to look beyond our own troubles sometimes and realize that there are other people in this world and that we should help them, and encourage our government to help them whenever possible. We never know when one of those unfortunate people could be us.

From the view of friends

You know what's interesting? I have for the last couple of days thought about all the things that I want to write about, but with getting back form DC and work, etc. I haven't had a chance, and so now I am at a loss as to where to start.

Actually, something that has been constantly nagging me is the worry I have for a really good friend of mine. Now that I think about it, I can think of several people who fall into the same general category, and that is that they are surrounded by people who don't have their best interests at heart and consistently give them bad advice. Actually, in most cases it is worse than bad advice. It's more like they present a bad view of the world, and force their mind set on those around them.

I would say that even if the viewpoint wasn't necessarily negative, it would still bother me that it was forced upon others, but in this case, I am certain that the two prime examples I can think of are BAD. The dilemma you face when dealing with people in these situations is that they think that what they are thinking is their idea. Time and time again, studies have shown that the human mind will actually beleive something if you hear it enough. One of the hardest thing that one can do in their lives is to go against the mindset that they are immersed in.

Take for example one of my friends who was visiting me from the military. We went out, and met one of the guys who is in his unit. Of course because of the despicable nature of "Don't Ask Don't Tell," it was of course impossible for the "guy" to know that my friend was gay. Before we went to the bar, my friend called me, told me the situation, informing me that of course, I could go with him, because I acted "normal." Apparently, I wasn't allowed to be gay either, because that might indicate something. So I "played it straight." Granted, this is not an entirely difficult thing for me, but it agrivated me that I had to do it. Given the nature of our friendship and the fact that I hadn't seen him in a while I let it slide.

In the same trip, my friend went with some other friends and I to a bar. When we were there, we were commenting on the quality of the bar, and comparing it to others. He compared it to the bars he had gone to while away, but said of course that they were "normal" bars (the bar we were at was predominately gay). For some reason, his second casual use of the word normal set me off. At the time I only made a small comment on it, but it truly made me angry.

You see, I use this as an example to show that this person, who has been a friend of mine for a few years, went away several months ago. Although he was still in many ways the same guy that sparked such a good friendship, there were many subtle differences that bothered me greatly. The thing was, he didn't even realize what he was doing. Where he was, being straight for example, was not just more common, it was normal. This of course made everything elseabnormal. Comming from another straight man this would have been hard enough, but hearing it from a good gay friend of mine was very troublesome.

That entire story was just bringing to the point what I was talking about. My friend's words, and even thoughts were being changed in ways he didn't even recognize. The more I think about it, there are many more in similar situations. One of my sisters is in a rough relationship where her opinion is de-valued and un appreciated. She has lately stopped having much of an opinion of her own, and when you ask her about it, she seems not to know what you are talking about. I would say that relationships and the military are the easiest places for this to happen. One of the people I met in traveling last year is in a bad relationship, all of his friends know it, and yet he has been so intimidated that he actually thinks he is happy depsite the fact that he is constantly miserable.

So back to the initial problem, when people that you care about are in these situations, fooled into believing that they are content, or happy, or being made to see the world in a way that is so different from who they really are, what do you do? Talking to them makes them defend the very thing that is causeing the problem, more than likely making it worse in the process... And yet I can't feel right sitting idley by. I talked last night to a friend in such a situation, and I could hear in his voice the anguish that he was covering up, all the while telling me that he had worked things out and was on a track that made him happy. Of course his version of working things out was to go to the source of the problem for advice, which of course, being the cause of the misery, gave advice that exasperated, or redirected it, without solving anything.

I am sorry if this is less of what you wanted to hear, but afterall, it is my journal, which means sometimes I have to use it to think out my own problems. I don't necessariy plan to come up with a brilliant answer when I type (although that would be nice), but it is nice just to play things out every once in a while. It's especially nice to have you, my invisible sounding board. Well, I am off for now. Till next time...

ABB Voter

First off, sorry about the lack of writing yesterday, the Gala Dinner went really late, and I was dead by the time I got back to the hotel. Despite its length, the evening was wonderful as always, and I was very glad to have participated in it. Speakers came from all walks of life and included Elizabeth Edwards, Cheryl Jacques (HRC President) Rosie O'Donnell, Jessica Lange, Max Mutchnick (Co-creator of Will & Grace), and Gene Robinson, the first openly gay bishop.

The speeches were all very good, and got me even more excited about the work that the HRC is doing. It also gave me hope for this election. Today at lunch, we had another round of exceptional speakers, including Andrew Sullivan, one of the few conservative voices I can often agree with.

Between the two events, I became even more determined to do my part in the comming election. I realize that it's not enough for me to know what is right and to use my vote, I must also use my voice. Too many times have I let people give me weakly founded reasons why they are going to vote for George W. Bush in the comming election.

Now let me start off by saying that I cannot think of anyone who in thier right mind can vote for the president, whether they are Republican or not. In fact Andrew Sullivan said it best when he stated that Republicans have more reason to be outraged at this President than Democrats do, and I think that he's right. My friend Daniel Graves has always told me that he wants to change the Republican party from the inside, taking it back to its roots of small government, and away from the morality that they try to impose upon us. I think that this is a noble goal, but George Bush has taken the party back decades if not centuries on this line of thinking. He has placated the radical right so much that we have all but removed the veil between church and state. I meet more and more Republicans who are rightfully outraged by what he was doing, and you should not EVER support someone simply because of their party if they do not follow with your beliefs. In fact, especially if they don't follow your beliefs, because it shows the party what is truly important. Bush's radical agenda is not mainstream America, or even mainstream Republicans, it is radical, and it is disgraceful.

I have heard lots of people try and justify their decision on economics, so I figure that I will lay that out here too. Since an early age, I have understood the theories of economics very well. Let me be the first to tell you that there are very few people in this country or even this world that benefit from the economic policies of our President. He has lost more net jobs than any President in a century, his "pro-business" tactics don't really help small businesses at all because they give such a boone to large corporations that they can easily quash their smaller competitors. His tax breaks, while moderately helpful to the lower and middle class, take more money out of the government than they ever will put back. The upper class (which got almost all of the money from the tax cuts) are proven less likely to spend their money than middle and lower class citizens, and when they do spend it, they are more likely to spend a larger portion of it abroad. This is not money that is comming back into the economy, completely negating the "trickle-down" argument supplied by this administration.

The final, and worst argument that I see most often comes even from my most repected friends, and that is they don't want to be an "ABB or Anybody but Bush" voter. Let me tell you that first of all, while John Kerry may not be the ideal President, he is certainly better than the sitting one. No one in their right mind can say that Bush has been honest and open with us. He has used false information to lead us to follow his personal agenda. Also note here, that I am not disagreeing with the war (that is a seperate issue I will not yet address), but I am saying that we were not given the adequate information as a nation to make the decision of whether or not we should go to war. He has misled us, and he has not done his job. The economy is not recovering in the areas we need it to, we have made more enemies than friends across the globe, and we have not gained any significant benefits out of his four years. I say to you, YES! ANYBODY BUT BUSH!!!

Finally, I want you to think about what this election means. Last night, Cheryl spoke of this being the "single most important election of our lives" and I believe it to be true. I think that more often than not, people look at the next four years when they consider a President. We cannot do that this time. In all likely hood, the next President will appoint at least 3 Supreme Court Justices. Their tinure on average is 40 years! I don't know about you, but I cannot fathom what our nation would be like with justices appointed by the same man who appointed John Ashcroft. I do not exagerate when I say that it terrifies me. That is the last point I want to make. When you vote for President, you aren't just chosing that man. You are also choosing his entire cabinet. How an you compare the team of Ashcroft, Cheney, and Rumsfield, to the fairmindedness of people like John Edwards. I will again admit that there are better people than Kerry. But I also know that a lot of these good people will work with Kerry should he be elected. His cabinet is stronger and more fairminded, things that we have never seen from the Bush administration.

I am sorry to take you through this political ranting, but I agree that there is nothing more important that I can say as we move into the last 24 days before the election. Please, take my words to heart. Share them with your neighboors, friends and family. Ask questions, seek the truth of what I say, and most importantly think about the ramifications of what this election is. I would love to be able to have the consolation on November 2 of knowing that even if we lose in 4 years we can try again, without Bush, but the truth of the matter is, I honestly fear too much what the country will look like in 4 years should W get elected again. Please... take the time... talk to people... Make the right decision and help others to do so too.

A day of politics

Before I talk about my amazing day, I would like to talk about you for a second. I am only now realizing how many people are reading this journal. Thank you. You give me a reason to keep writing, and makes me feel like I am saying something that at least has some amount of interest. I would like to point out that should you want to, you can subscribe to me (It's free), you will be given an e-mail with any new entry I make. Also, I would like to encourage you to make comments on what you read. Tell me what you liked. Tell me what you hated. I love hearing other's points of view, and I also like to see what you are most interested in. Although I will warn you that as you may already have noticed, I often do not control the direction of what I write, so I make no promises as to the content. Anyway, on to what you are hear for:

I had a very tiring and energizing day (don't you know by now that I always am diverse?). I woke up very early and went to the new HRC Building (it was fun to see my name engraved on the wall) and had a nice quick breakfast before going off to The Hill. At the very top of my agenda were Kit Bond and Jim Talent (both hardcore Christian conservatives from MO who have not supported any HRC initiatives). Talk about walking into enemy territory. I was one of few individuals speaking to those who didn't oppose the recently defeated marriage amendment. Of course, neither one of them came themselves, instead sending staff to the meetings. I can hope that I made some good points that might make it to the ears of my senators, but I am less than optimistic.

One of the statements made by Talent's representative was that Talent had an open mind, and although he believed in "traditional marriage" (I decided not to ask about the divorces) he was "concerned" about some issues such as inheritance and health care benefits for domestic partners. My thought, and final remark was that if this was truly the case, then I felt that Talent could prove a huge benefit by producing legislation supporting these issues. It is one thing for constant allies of the LGBT community to sponsor legislation, but quite another for a right-wing fundamentalist to bring these issues up. I can hope... but I am not counting on it.

I rounded out my time on The Hill meeting with Dennis Moore (D-Kansas) and it was a much better meeting. For one he met with me himself, which was really nice, and as he voted against the amendment, and supports the HRC, it was a much more productive time. Following that, I got some food, my watch fixed, and headed back to get ready for a reception. It was really nice, and I am meeting more and more people that are interesting, and therefore having a really great time.

I finally went to a New York Times panel on LGBT issues, which was very informative. I was also excited as I was one of the four individuals allowed to ask a question. There was another short reception afterwards which again led me to meet more interesting people and have a lot of invigorating conversations. Afterwards I felt so good, I walked back to my hotel, and now I am writing to you. All-in-all, it was a great day that made me feel good about myself and the people that I am associated with, and I am excited to do more in the future. Well, I will end here for now. I am sure that I will have a lot more to say about this whole DC experience, but I will try not to bore you too much at once.

Thoughts by the nation's capital

Written October 6, 2004 11:30pm:

I am writing this on my laptop for you, even though you won’t be able to see it until tomorrow. You see, my Ethernet cable broke, and so I cannot access the internet until tomorrow (or as you read this, today). Despite my inability to put this online just now, I wanted to get it down.

Today was rather busy for me. I ran around doing last minute errands all morning, got my haircut, raced to Jefferson City for the Grand Opening of the UPS Store, then jumped in the car again to get to the airport in time to catch my flight. I am now safely within my hotel in Washington DC. I am staying at the Governor’s House Hotel, the same place I stayed last year which is not far from downtown, and conveniently across the street from the new HRC building. It is a pretty nice place with lots of the amenities that I like the best, so it’s a good fit.

Anyway, it was certainly not the hotel that I intended to talk about. Actually, I want to talk about the drive to the hotel. As I left the airport, I was looking out at the skyline, easily picking out some of our nation’s greatest monuments, and I was struck by the wonder of where I was. Even though I have been here on many separate occasions, I am still amazed at the feeling I get when I am here. I must say it is hard not to feel something when in the capitol of the most powerful nation in the world.

Riding through the downtown streets, I thought a lot about a newfound favorite show of mine,The West Wing. Regardless of your opinions politically, I doubt that few people who watch that show wouldn’t come away with some sort of energy. For me, the feeling is immense. Being here rekindled that fire within me even more. This is where the magic happens. Good and bad, right and wrong, justice and injustice all embodied in one place. One of the things that I like about the show is that it shows so many sides to the struggles. Even if you are in the right, you cannot always succeed. Often when you think you are right, you are in fact wrong. Those who “fight the good fight” will always have to contend with those who are selfish.

The show for me is realistic because it shows that there are many mistakes made here too. Though we may be the only superpower in the world, we, and our elected leaders still make mistakes. A glance at Arlington can show you more than words ever can some of the grievous errors in our history.

I am sure it would come as no surprise to you who know me, but I often feel more like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington than anything else while I am here. I feel that there is a potential here unlike anywhere else in the world. So many times I think that we forget about what is possible. So often we get hung up on the bad things that have happened, or what might happen, that we neglect the potential. So much could be done, not only here, but everywhere, were people simply willing and able to reach out and make a difference.

As I sit here looking at the wonder that is our nation’s capitol, I cannot help but be energized to do just that. I hope that you can share some of my excitement, and maybe you can do something tomorrow that makes you feel as though you have made a difference in the world even if it is to just one person. We all have the potential. Being here helps me find mine. Seek out what unlocks yours.

Impatience and self-evaluation

Okay, before you say anything, yes, I know that it is not a much better picture, and yes, I have green hair, but I am had to put something new up before my best friend killed me. I guess the good thing about all the flack I take about my pictures is that people think I am cuter in person. Small comfort, but some nonetheless. Anyway, I got tired of doing what I was supposed to be doing, so I thought I would write for a bit.

I realized today how little patience I have for things that don't interest me. One of my many fire-like and Sagittarian traits, my impatience seems to be something I can't get rid of. For example, I was sitting in my exposition class and we were talking about proper citation. Talk about useless information for me. Even if I hadn't been doing some sort of writing since I left high school, hadn't taken numerous writing classes there and in college, the fact that I was a debater makes citation pretty much a no-brainier. I can't imagine any writing I would do that would have more citation work than being a competition debater. Well, anyway, I really like the instructor, so I did my best to pay attention and act like I was learning something new and interesting. I swear I could count the seconds tick by. I could not wait to get out of there. It drove me batty.


During the second half of the class, when we switched towards the psychology of Dracula, everything got better, but afterwards I couldn't help but notice how pronounced my impatience was. I was drawn back to my 8th Grade science teacher. He told me that he really enjoyed having me in his class, but that I was limited because I would- and possibly could- only learn what I was interested in or what I felt was important. He couldn't have been more right. Try as I might, I cannot bring myself to study something I don't care about. If it's not interesting, it has to be of vital importance. Take math for example. Post 6th Grade, I consider it almost a complete waste for me. I have great respect for it as a subject, it's just not for me. The only way that I could bring myself to focus on any of it was to relate it to my life. Personal finance, and later business finance were unknowingly my math instructors' saving grace. It was never that I couldn't pick it up, it was simply that until I felt I had a reason to, I could never focus long enough to do so.

It frustrates me to have things like this that I have so little control over, but the fact of the matter is, that's the truth. I have tried to be patient. When the situation demands it, I can feign patience. The fact remains that I can't really change it though. There are quite a few things about myself that fall into that category. I think that one of the best things that I have done in the past few years is to stop trying to pretend that I do not have my flaws. By comming to grips with them, I am able to work on some, and work around others that are inevitably with me. My personality is such that most often my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses, and I have to acknowledge one to acknowledge the other. Take my patience, I learn faster than most people I know, assuming it is something I am attached to, either by interest or necessity. I have come to realize there are a lot of things that I will never be able to grasp as well as some people, and I will probably never be the fount of knowledge that some of my friends are.

Which is better? I can't possibly say. All I know is that the more I come to grips with the strengths and weaknesses that I have, the better I feel about myself. It might sound cheesy to say so, but I find that it is true. Since we're kind of skirting the issue, I will tell you some deep information about my life. About 3 years ago, I was a very different person from the one I am now. While many things have changed, I think that the single most important event was one of the hardest. I had a friend that I lost for many reasons, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized it was because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't comfortable with who I was, and so I pretended to be someone else. He, being the good friend that he was, saw right through it, and felt as though I was living a lie. In retrospect, he was completely right. Only after having to feel the pain of losing my friend was I able to look at myself and start to see who I truly was. When I did this, I certainly didn't like everything that I saw, but I hope that I never do.

People aren't meant to be perfect, and thinking that we are or pretending that we are is wrong. It can only hurt ourselves and the world and people around us. I learned that there are a great many things that I needed to work on. I still see that. I try and go to the gym more, read more, and be a better friend. I also saw that there are things about me that I cannot change. I used to be embarassed that I wan't a full time student, and so I let people assume that I was. This was asinine. If I had followed the "traditional" track, I would not be where I am now, or the person that I am now. For better or worse, that was where my life took me, and once I embraced it, I no longer felt guilty about letting people mislead themselves, and I felt more comfortable with what I was doing. This is but one of many examples of how this kind of self examination has helped me.

One of my dearest friends, Christopher Benson, and avid fan of Oscar Wilde always tells me that an unexamined life is not worth living. In fact, I would venture to say that the fact that I am constantly evaluating myself is one of the things he finds most wonderful about me. Of course, he and I met just over 2 years ago. I had jumped that hurdle that he never knew I needed to, and he helped me take it to all new levels. I must say that he has been instrumental, but come to think about it, I doubt we ever would have gotten so close had I not lost one friend due to my stupidity.

Wow. That was more information than I ever intended to put on here. I think I am going to stop now. I hope you enjoyed this little window into my past, and who I am. I also hope that you won't hold my past mistakes against me to harshly. Adeiu for now!

Importance of people

Isn't it strange how stress has to be dispelled while happiness seems to fade all on its own? Seems rather unfair if you ask me. This thought came to me as I started to write because today was very stressful, but this weekend was nothing but joy. The sad thing was that as the weekend ended and today came, the giddy happiness that had claimed hold of me was vanishing. Later on, that feeling was replaced with stress, which I have worked hard to reduce this evening. This disparity seems frustratingly sided against what is in our best interest. Maybe it just goes to show you that you have to hold on to the joys in your life... and maybe more importantly the people who make them.

I can definitely acknowledge the latter part of that statement considering that the bulk of my positive time this weekend was due to the fact that I spent it with a person who never ceases to bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. It's amazing how there are just some people that enter your life that can always move you more than you can explain. I don't know for sure what this can be attributed to, but whatever force it is, I must say that it is compelling. No one can ever say what the future will bring, but I am sure that if we are able to find and hold onto the people like that in our lives, our world would seem that much better.

Heh. It's interesting how many thoughts run through my mind when I think or talk about these subjects... and this person. The more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have people like him in my life. The road we have traveled together has been littered with mines, and yet when we are together, the trials and time between us seem to fade away into nothing. There are few people who can ever have that effect, and I have to say that they are the greatest friends, and therefore the greatest treasures in all the world.

I get angry at myself to think of all the people I have inadvertently let slip out of my life. What if one of them could be such a great friend to me? What if I could be that friend to them? There are so many ridiculous things in life that get in the way of the things- the people we should really be focusing on. Life's uncertaintly only further creates the need for us to hold on to the bonds we make. I must say that I am not necessarily the best at doing this. Even with the friend I saw this weekend, part of our estrangement was my own fault. Due to circumstances, I was unable to give the same time to him that I did before. Now, distance more than time seperates us, and I would give anything to have the time I gave up back. Although his case is quite special, it is not unique. I could make a list of family members and friends over the years that I have lost touch with simply because "the real world" intruded upon us. The time I spent at Harvard comes to mind. While there, I made friends from all across the world. The time we spent together was amazing. Were you to ask me then, I would say that I would be friends with most of them for the rest of my life. Flash forward to the presesnt, and I haven't seen anyone since we left school, and I only even talk to one or two of them at all, none with the regularity I should.

Well, this is certainly not the direction I had intended this to go. I suppose that's the joy and plight of writing what you think and feel: sometimes your heart and mind take you to places you never wanted to explore. Maybe having finally written this down I will be able to hold myself to some of the efforts I so often promise myself that I will make. I mean of course this is not the first time I have felt the need to bridge the gaps that have seperated those in my life, but it never fails that all my attempts fizzle out as time goes on and "things come up." I hear all the time that the best way to set goals is to write them down, and even better if you tell someone about them. Perhaps this will kind of work along the same lines. I am writing, and I am telling people... Maybe when I write in this journal and I think about what I have written before, I will remember my commitment, and it will stay with me. I am not naieve enough to believe that things will not come up, and that there won't be gaps I can't bridge, but at least this way, maybe the effort will produce something. Maybe it will bring back someone to my life, and me to theirs.

Okay! Enough for now. I will know next time to be careful what I write when thinking about someone that I deeply care for. The depth of those feelings seem to be able to unearth an even more random set of cheesy musings than normal (and as you know, for me, that is certainly saying something). So for now, I bid you adieu.

Majorly minor annoyances

Well, I am certainly glad that today is over. It was one of those days where everything goes wrong. No good reason, for some reason, the cosmic cards simply aligned against me for this day. What I realized was that it was the small things that really agitated me the most. Every business venture I have had some measure of problems today, and this frustrated me, but it wasn't what really pushed me over the edge. As I became agitated with my never-ending phone calls of doom, I thought I would get some catch-up done, so I went online- or at least I tried. My Internet provider was doing maintenance... again. Seeking refuge, I decided to play a game, but the controller refused to work despite my best attempts to fix it. Turned instead to my trusty DVDs. I still had 3 West Wing episodes to watch in season 2. Wouldn't you know it? There was a disc error that my Playstation just couldn't get past. Now in the grand scheme of things, these were just minor annoyances, but they were more than I wanted to deal with on a day like today (of course, they were part of the reason the day seemed so doomed).

It's funny how things work like that. The major issues can affect you so much less than the small irritations. It is like pain. Most people who have been in a serious accident, or felt real pain will tell you that for some reason it didn't seem to hurt all that much. Now those paper cuts? Excruciating. Maybe our brain just shuts off a certain amount of response to make things more manageable. Oh well.

I am sure that I should probably write something more, but ya know, I am just not feeling it tonight. Perhaps tomorrow. Till then...

Biologically emotional?

Good God I woke up in a bad mood this morning! I can't really explain it, but I was just frustrated from the get-go. I realized that I was very close to making everyone's day a misery, so I tried to calm down, and then after some Starbucks and a shower, I felt amazingly better. Strangely enough, the rest of the day was more fast-paced and stressful, and yet I felt completely fine. As I thought about it, I wonder how much in control of our emotions we are. How much can we change the way we feel by thinking about it? On the flip side, how much is biological? Were my initial feelings this morning the result of poor sleep, and remedied by my frapaccino, making my mood completely biological and out of my control? Or was it instead that I realized I was being a horror and wanted to calm down that brought me back to normal?


This line of thinking got me thinking about a lot of what we can and cannot control within ourselves. As if in response to my thoughts, Psychology Today, published an article in their current issue called "Cupid's Comeuppance." The reason for the article was to show how research indicates that a great deal of relationships are attributed to biological psychology, meaning of course that there is a decidedly minimum control in how we feel, and although we can choose what actions to take based upon our feelings, they are fueled almost entirely by chemical reactions in the body. If you want to read the full article, you can find it at: http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040921-000001.html

I am not sure how I feel about this line of thinking. Lately, biology has become the science of choice, and its discoveries are far outstripping those of its counterparts. In many ways, this advancement is overdue. For a long time, the subject took a back seat to the rapid advancement of physics and chemistry. With the extensive research on genetics, it has been taken to new heights, and a lot more money is being thrown into it. Such money leads to research like that indicated in the article, as we search for the reasons for everything within ourselves.

I like the idea of advancing our knowledge, but I am not sure how I feel about what that information is saying about us. How much of who we are as a person can be attributed to different chemicals? Yet no matter how much I want to deny the findings, I know from first hand experience that certain chemical imbalances can change a person's personality entirely. Does this mean that we have no control?

Maybe its a little of both.Of course in order to believe that, you almost have to stretch the possibilities. If we are truly products of our biological makeup, and the brain controls the release of most of the chemicals in our body, wouldn't it be possible for us to control those releases ourselves? I don't know whether it would be a conscious or subconscious effort, but maybe if we think about it enough or desire it enough, we really can change the way that we feel by changing the chemicals that are released. Maybe we have been doing this all along and are only now just realizing it. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? All I know is that should this line of thinking prove even remotely true, then I think that we need to know more about the food we eat. How much hidden information could there be about what we eat. Chocolate is proven to release endorphins and make you happy. Turkey can make you sleepy. Is there food that can make you more sad? Or angry? Maybe some of the things we dislike about someone can go back to a bad diet. Hehe. Wouldn't that be interesting to find out.

Alright, enough of my random musings. I hope things are well with all of you, and also that you remember that I am simply ranting about random things, so only put so much stock into what you read here. ;) Well, until next time...

Current items of enjoyment

So, you may have noticed that the "currently playing" for this entry is the soundtrack to Playing by Heart. I finally got this CD just this week, after spending a great deal of time in search of it. You might wonder why I would spend so much time looking for it, but I will tell you that it was worth it. For those of you who don't know (which means you must not really know me) Playing by Heart is one of my three favorite movies. It is one that every time I watch, I like more than the last. There were several songs that made me want the soundtrack, and now that I have listened to it, I am very impressed. Like the movie, it transcends genres and styles to make a truly unique and moving compilation. The mix of jazz and pop, modern and traditional, vocals and instrumental are truly something I enjoy.

Now that I think about it, I might as well draw attention to the other entries' selections. If you haven't figured it out, I am able to select a book, music, or movie title at the begining of each entry. I like it because it allows you to see some of what I read/watch/listen to in my life. (Clicking on one takes you to the title at Amazon.com should you ever want to try it for yourself). I think its a really unique thing that adds a lot. But since we are on the subject, I thought I might tell you about some of my selections.

I should first note that I am normally going to put a book up for you to see. Obviously if I am still reading one I have already posted, I won't throw it at you twice, and in those cases, I may select a CD or DVD I am watching, if nothing else than to add some spice! I started with Dracula, which I was actually reading for my English class. Despite it being manditory, I found that reading that book is the most enjoyable thing about the class. I never realized how different the original was from all of the offshoots. I like classics, and I was glad that the class forced me to pick this one up. I would recommend it for any fans of Vampires, as it is what brought that particular entity into the limelight.

Since I was still immersed in Dracula, I next chose Affimation, a CD by the now broken-up Savage Garden. I cannot tell you how much I love this CD. The title song is by far one of my favorite songs of all time, especially since I could sing it and mean every word. The rest of the CD is in my mind amazing, and I can't quite explain why. It could be its uniquness, or maybe the emotions that it invokes. No matter what though, it has a special place in my heart.

Going back to my modern fantasy, I recently picked up Suzanna Clarke's book. I read a very enticing review that heralded the book as "the Harry Potter for adults." Having thuroughly enjoyed the entire Potter series, I of course was forced to pick this one up. I must say that it was quite a fun read, and didn't disappoint. It takes place in England at the end of the War of 1812. Unlike Harry Potter, it spends almost all of its time in the real world, making the wizards face all the prejudices and fears that we might imagine. Should you be anyway drawn to fantasy, I must recommend it.

Finally, I decided to highlight Angels in America. For those of you who have yet to see this movie, it is based upon an excellent play, and is in itself a work of art. I am sure that I have only scratched the surface of the meaning that is embedded within, but it was enough. Dealing with the very real fear of AIDS in 1985, it presents an interesting view into a variety of lives that are all tragically linked togeather. The fact that there is a great deal of depressing content, and the fact that the movie is 6 hours long (it was an HBO mini-series) I would have to suggest that you break it into parts. I will warn you that it is a bit off, but then again, in my eyes, most great pieces of art are.

Well, I guess that's more than enough writing for one night. Although I don't think I really said anything profound, maybe I gave you a tiny glimpse into the things that interest me and maybe sparked some interest in you as well. Until next time...

Chicago and American Education

Well, I am back from Chicago, and although the trip home was obnoxious ( I got transfered to another train and ended up in St. Louis instead of LaPlata where my car was) all in all, things were good. It felt really good to be in a big city again. Sometimes I forget how much I miss it. Walking up and down the streets of Chicago was wonderful. It made me think of Boston, which of course always makes me happy. I made some new friends up there, which is always a bonus. One is a business major who went to this really amazing public school- more on that in a minute- and the other works as the promotions manager for an orginization called the Chicago House. I went to one of their small beneifts while in town and I was really impressed. They help people out a lot with a lot of different things, and I don't think I could do it justice in my despcription, but as I said, it seems like a great organization. Both the guys are really cool, and I look forward to hanging out with them more in the future. I have to say that 2 highly potential friends in 3 days is rather impressive. Hehe.

As I mentioned earlier, one my new friends went to this amazing public school in one of the Chicago suberbs. As he and I talked about it, he was very animated and excited about it, while I seemed not the least bit pleased. He finally figured out that there was something wrong and asked me what it was. I said he probably shouldn't open that can up, but he insisted. I tried to warn him. I went on a tirade about how it agrivates me that there is such a disparity in public schools. Let me first tell you that this school has 3 swimming pools, a TV production studio, has 2 sections devoted to international focuses (including teleconfrenceing around the world), etc. While I find all of these things to be amazing, and I told him so, I was so infuriated at the disparity it showed. He didn't immediately understand. So we talked about the school that was aproximately 10 miles away. This high school has less teachers than it needed, only one gym, no pool or anything close, was over 50 years old, etc. The teachers made approximately 1/4 of those at my friend's high school, there was no budget for extracurricular activities, etc.

What I told him, and now I tell to you, is that the very idea of public schools was thwarted by this disparity. Here he was, by no fault of his own, going to a school that was so amazing, setting himself up for a life of sucess. While I told him I was making no statements against him, and that he may have very well worked hard once he was there, the fact of the matter was that he was no different from someone living 10 miles away, and yet he was afforded a world of opportunities the other could scarcely dream of. And to make matters worse, it wasn't even like he was going to a private school! He, like the boy not so far away, were both attending schools funded by the government. I explained to him that the goal of public schools was to giveeveryone an equal chance for sucess.
He countered that his parents paid more property tax. Can you guess my response? In truth that only made matters worse in my eyes. for one, it only perpetuates the class system. He said that there will always be classes, and I agreed, but the difference is that while class will always exist, it is an American goal for it not to be predetermined. The fact that his parents make money should in no way be able to give him such a better start than someone who was born to a poor family. That is almost as bad as the victorian and feudal system where you are born into a class. It has been proven time and time again that those who attend better schools have an infinitely higher chance of maintaining or raising their social status and making more money. He (at least early on) didn't do anything to earn him the right to attend such a dramatically better school. He said his parents worked hard. Well, since we all know that you can't chose your parents that seemed no better. Why should his life be set up so much better because he was lucky enough to be born with better parents?

In my mind, the idea of the American educational system is to give everyone an equal opportunity  to succeed. Will there always be classes? Yes, because some people will not take advantage of what they are given. It is my belief that no matter what walk of life you come from, you have the right to an education that is equal  to everyone else. I think it is our obligation as a society to provide for our future through our educationsal system, and that we shouldn't be able to discriminate against someone because their family makes less money. I am happy to say that the more he thought about it, the more he ended up agreeing with me. It makes me think that there is hope. He simply didn't ever think of the difference that system made in his life and what it could easily have made in another's. Maybe if more people start realizing that we only hurt our society as a whole by not taking action, then maybe some real change can come about. With situations like these, there can be no doubt that what we are trying is not working, and something needs to be done.

Well, I guess this turned into more of a tirade than I had expected, but it was something I feel strongly about. I was impressed that this empassioned explination was something my friend enjoyed. We had a great time, and I felt really enegized being able to have that conversation. It seems rare that people want to discuss anything serious now days. Oh well. I am going to class. More later!

My Cobiashi Maru

So... I am in Chicago, a city that I always have a good time in, and yet for some reason, this specific trip seems to be frustrating me greatly. This is not because of anything bad about the trip itself, but rather the things that I am constantly thinking about while I am here. I have always agreed with the premise that we become more open-minded and more thoughtful when we travel, in fact it is one of my favorite things about traveling. This trip, however is making me very pensive, and almost melancholy as I think about a great many things. There is more than I could possibly bore you with all at once, so I think that I might just do one topic at a time... I have just realized that I have never put so many personal thoughts online before, and I may kick myself tomorrow. I guess only time will tell.

I think the thing that is most prevelant in my thoughts is my own Cobiashi Maru, or the unwinnable scenario. I always think that people have choices in their actions, though fate makes cercumstances, our free will allows us the final say in what we actually do. As such, I have never had much belief in an unbeatable situation. Unfortunately, I now know that sometimes, there is no good answer, and we are forced to make decisions that may come back to haunt us. Looking back, I realize that I have made a great many of these decisions.

Let me give you the most prevelant example. I was forced to chose between two friends. As any of you who know me already know, I know (okay, 3 'knows'? and I call myself a writer) a great many people, and of course, people say a lot of things without thinking. As such, I am privy to a large amount of information. Sometimes more than I want. What on earth are you supposed to do when you have information that should you reveal it will betray a friend, but at the same time, keeping such information hidden when you have it will betray another? In the strongest of these instances, I am sure that the future happiness of an individual rested on being given this information, and yet I could not betray my friend. How now can I justify the betrayl to the one that will be so adversely affected?How can you make that decision? Do you chose the one who you have known longer? Maybe the one who is the better friend? Both of these seem a bit arbitrary to me. What about chosing based upon who you think is innocent, or "in the right"? I think that this method may have merit, but then again, that is rather arrogant to think that I have the right to say who is right and who is wrong.

I can tell you what I have done, though maybe I shouldn't. I decided that I could not see someone come to pain, especially when he was so wronged, by my silence. This friend made it difficult to keep my silence, as he could tell that I was bothered by something. I am too brutally honest for my own good. So it was that I confirmed to him the questions he asked me. In some ways, it came down to me being unable to lie. At the same time, trying to be true to the other friend, I did not provide any information I was not asked for, despite the fact that there was a great deal more to be said on the subject.

In retrospect, I regret my decision greatly. I cannot help but think about the friend I betrayed and the guilt that goes along with it. In addition, I also regret- having said so much- not "sealing the deal" and providing all the information. Now, both of them are hurt, and I carry a heavy dose of guilt. Whew. That was a bit too heavy for me. If you made it this far, maybe the story of my plight may help you someday. Or maybe you think I am a horrible person... I guess that's the risk you run when opening you heart to the world. I guess the only grace I can ask is that you remember before you judge too harshly that all I ever wanted or tried to do was what was best for those I cared about...

Well, until next time... or until I delete this entry...

Excitement mired in furstration

Yay! I finally found and bought my Hybrid today! Its a Honda Civic, and I am really happy with it.  To be honest, I wanted to get a Prius (Toyota), but there was a 12-24 month waiting list and to be honest, the Civic has a bit better design. Besides, my friends who know far more about cars than I do said that a Civic was a better. So maybe it was for the best. It drives really well, is incredibly environmentally friendly, and looks very slick. I highly recommend that you get a hybrid for yourself.

In other news, it seems like I am close to having my business site remodel done, so that is exciting. Sadly, a great many things are not as pleasant. It seems to me that more and more, people are simply looking to further themselves, harming anyone in their path. I understand that by their nature, people are at least partially selfish, but do you have to hurt others to acheive your goals? I think not. You can still look out for "Number One" and have regard and care for other people as well. Of course we all want things to be better for ourselves, but it seems that more and more people are forgetting that one of the best things in life is the people that surround us. Should these individuals not be a top priority as well?

I have often been called blindly optimistic, and maybe it's true, but I refuse to believe that human nature is such that only a rare few can bring themselves above the basic needs of competition and survival, and yet time and time again, the people that I meet seem to fall into this trap. Is there no hope?

Well, I am going to get some work done. Perhaps more later.

A new beginning

Wow, my first post... Hi! Welcome to my new journal. I figure that I have way too many thoughts shooting through my head at any given time that I thought I could put some of them down to share with you. Beware, if you chose to read further, my mind is a maze of diverse and changing avenues, and looking at my thoughts might drive you mad. Should you chose to brave this adventure, then please, read further...