Okay, before you say anything, yes, I know that it is not a much better picture, and yes, I have green hair, but I am had to put something new up before my best friend killed me. I guess the good thing about all the flack I take about my pictures is that people think I am cuter in person. Small comfort, but some nonetheless. Anyway, I got tired of doing what I was supposed to be doing, so I thought I would write for a bit.
I realized today how little patience I have for things that don't interest me. One of my many fire-like and Sagittarian traits, my impatience seems to be something I can't get rid of. For example, I was sitting in my exposition class and we were talking about proper citation. Talk about useless information for me. Even if I hadn't been doing some sort of writing since I left high school, hadn't taken numerous writing classes there and in college, the fact that I was a debater makes citation pretty much a no-brainier. I can't imagine any writing I would do that would have more citation work than being a competition debater. Well, anyway, I really like the instructor, so I did my best to pay attention and act like I was learning something new and interesting. I swear I could count the seconds tick by. I could not wait to get out of there. It drove me batty.
During the second half of the class, when we switched towards the psychology of Dracula, everything got better, but afterwards I couldn't help but notice how pronounced my impatience was. I was drawn back to my 8th Grade science teacher. He told me that he really enjoyed having me in his class, but that I was limited because I would- and possibly could- only learn what I was interested in or what I felt was important. He couldn't have been more right. Try as I might, I cannot bring myself to study something I don't care about. If it's not interesting, it has to be of vital importance. Take math for example. Post 6th Grade, I consider it almost a complete waste for me. I have great respect for it as a subject, it's just not for me. The only way that I could bring myself to focus on any of it was to relate it to my life. Personal finance, and later business finance were unknowingly my math instructors' saving grace. It was never that I couldn't pick it up, it was simply that until I felt I had a reason to, I could never focus long enough to do so.
It frustrates me to have things like this that I have so little control over, but the fact of the matter is, that's the truth. I have tried to be patient. When the situation demands it, I can feign patience. The fact remains that I can't really change it though. There are quite a few things about myself that fall into that category. I think that one of the best things that I have done in the past few years is to stop trying to pretend that I do not have my flaws. By comming to grips with them, I am able to work on some, and work around others that are inevitably with me. My personality is such that most often my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses, and I have to acknowledge one to acknowledge the other. Take my patience, I learn faster than most people I know, assuming it is something I am attached to, either by interest or necessity. I have come to realize there are a lot of things that I will never be able to grasp as well as some people, and I will probably never be the fount of knowledge that some of my friends are.
Which is better? I can't possibly say. All I know is that the more I come to grips with the strengths and weaknesses that I have, the better I feel about myself. It might sound cheesy to say so, but I find that it is true. Since we're kind of skirting the issue, I will tell you some deep information about my life. About 3 years ago, I was a very different person from the one I am now. While many things have changed, I think that the single most important event was one of the hardest. I had a friend that I lost for many reasons, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized it was because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't comfortable with who I was, and so I pretended to be someone else. He, being the good friend that he was, saw right through it, and felt as though I was living a lie. In retrospect, he was completely right. Only after having to feel the pain of losing my friend was I able to look at myself and start to see who I truly was. When I did this, I certainly didn't like everything that I saw, but I hope that I never do.
People aren't meant to be perfect, and thinking that we are or pretending that we are is wrong. It can only hurt ourselves and the world and people around us. I learned that there are a great many things that I needed to work on. I still see that. I try and go to the gym more, read more, and be a better friend. I also saw that there are things about me that I cannot change. I used to be embarassed that I wan't a full time student, and so I let people assume that I was. This was asinine. If I had followed the "traditional" track, I would not be where I am now, or the person that I am now. For better or worse, that was where my life took me, and once I embraced it, I no longer felt guilty about letting people mislead themselves, and I felt more comfortable with what I was doing. This is but one of many examples of how this kind of self examination has helped me.
One of my dearest friends, Christopher Benson, and avid fan of Oscar Wilde always tells me that an unexamined life is not worth living. In fact, I would venture to say that the fact that I am constantly evaluating myself is one of the things he finds most wonderful about me. Of course, he and I met just over 2 years ago. I had jumped that hurdle that he never knew I needed to, and he helped me take it to all new levels. I must say that he has been instrumental, but come to think about it, I doubt we ever would have gotten so close had I not lost one friend due to my stupidity.
Wow. That was more information than I ever intended to put on here. I think I am going to stop now. I hope you enjoyed this little window into my past, and who I am. I also hope that you won't hold my past mistakes against me to harshly. Adeiu for now!
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