Present Future

One thing that I have always had is a strong vision for the future. No matter what I am doing in my life, I see it in a large picture, with an eye towards what is coming. When life is hard or blissful, this has always been true. Some times this ability helps me get through rough times, or to create something new. I think that this was and continues to be a driving force behind the creation and direction of my company.

Another aspect of my personality- one that doesn't have such positive effects- is my impatience. I don't think that there is anything that creates more frustration for me than what I view as needless waiting. At my best I simply see a drive towards action, at my worst it creates an extreme anger that probably gets me into trouble. Regardless, neither of these traits on their own prompted my thoughts this night, but rather the effect that they have on one another.

I think that sometimes it is hard to examine various aspects of our personality, because each separate piece interacts with all the others, sometimes creating new traits. In this instance, I wonder is there is something that I do because of the combination of impatience and vision. I wonder if I create the future in the present. What I mean is this: when I see something, I often play the tape forward to how it can or will be in the future. Given my impatience, I want this vision to meet reality as soon as possible. With that, I see where there are instances where I may act as though the future is already here. The mind is an incredibly powerful thing, and sometimes without thinking about it, we can create a "slant" on reality that is not exactly the way it is. Much like having a bias, it can distort the world without us actually realizing it.

One example would include my company. One of the struggles that I have had is that in many ways I run it in the same way I plan to run it in the future, when its size is much larger. In many ways this can be positive, as it makes me try and maintain a higher level of professionality, and allows me to set in place systems that will be used as the company grows. It also made it difficult and frustrating at times, where I would try and fill positions that may not need to exist, or try and accomplish something that the company simply wasn't ready for.

Relationships can be another visible location. I have always known that I like moving things fast. Sometimes it is intentional, but really, when you look at it, I always go exactly where I feel I should be. It occurred to me that there may have been times where I could see potential in a relationship, created a vision for the future with us involved, and then without realizing it, stepped into or at least partially expected to be in that future, instead of walking towards it. It is going to be interesting to see how this realization will show up in other areas of my life, and how this knowledge will allow me to deal with the situations I create. In some ways I can see great benefit in living into the future. At the same time I know that I need to be cognisant of what I am doing so that I don't create confusion for myself or others with actions or expectations that don't apply to the present. Rather than getting ahead of myself, I need to make sure that I am not putting myself ahead of reality.

A search for frustration?

Most people spend some serious time thinking about what they look for in another person. I am certainly no different in this regard. The question is, do we know what we really look for? I mean how many times do we find someone that doesn't at all fit our "type" but we go for them anyway? Is it maybe because we can't really recognize what it is that we go for?

The other night, I was out with some friends and we were talking about "potential" people. One name in particular came up, and my friend said, "But then again, you like boys who haven't really got it all figured out yet." What? It would have been nice to dismiss this comment out of hand, but instead my ridiculously probing mind scanned through the people in my life that I have been with, and there may be some truth to that statement. A scary thought, since in many ways I feel that is something I don't want. So then I wondered, is it that I am subconsciously searching these people out, or is it that they simply seem to find me?

A great friend of mine once said that he always struggled with the idea of a relationship where both parties helped each other grow, but neither one was "the teacher." Given his personality, he is certainly going to be able to fall into the role of being a teacher quite easily. He is educated, introspective, and has a worldly view. He also likes seeing people grow, and has no problem helping them do so. Many ways, much like myself. The problem of course comes down to the fact that when it is your friends, being a teacher isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a relationship, it creates inequality. Now it may be that relationships can thrive on that inequality, but I certainly am not convinced of that. Conversely, I don't believe that you should ever be in a relationship where the two individuals didn't help one another to grow and to overcome hurdles. Grey area indeed.

So is my joy of teaching people creating a need that I didn't even recognize? It is certainly possible. I know that a lot of my friends fall into that category. I really do enjoy that people let me impact their lives, and I like doing it. When it comes to a relationship, I certainly want to do anything I can for the other, especially if it is something that they want to achieve or work through. Does this somehow relate to a need to do so? Or, if not that, is it that I draw people like that to me? That would make a lot of sense as well, since I never hold back on dispensing advice, or hide any of the things that might indicate what kind of person I am.

Another thing that happened that made me wonder if we know what we want. I spent some time with another friend of mine and he was telling me about his new interest. As he went on and on about the different aspects of this guy, I was a bit dumfounded. Not only was this guy not exactly what he traditionally liked, but point in fact, there were many things that he didn't like. Was he completely off base in what he thought he wanted and enjoyed?

Perhaps it has nothing to do with what we like or dislike, want or don't. Perhaps there is simply no rhyme or reason to who we are drawn to. But it does make you wonder, when you are playing tug of war with yourself over what you are willing to compromise in a relationship, is there any way to know, or is it always a toss of the dice?

Self Changes

How do you change something, when the power to change if the thing that you are wanting to create?

I have always held that knowledge was power. A few years ago, I met someone who has become a dear friend. He is still to this day the most introspective person I know. He made me realize that for all that I thought I searched for knowledge, I neglected the one place that I should have started first: myself. This was even more amusing to the both of us since I seemed to have such a solid grasp on other people's nature. Perhaps it was easier to see others than to face myself.

Since that time, and in large part due to his help and some unique life experiences, I began to learn a great deal about who I really am at my core, and as such have become quite introspective. While knowing the truth almost always reveals some things one would rather not see, I was still glad to know my faults as well as my strengths, and saw my life taken to a new level. I am very glad of this, but the original high of my now years-old discovery has worn off, and I have seen that there are limits and even unique frustrations to this gift of introspection.

I have noticed that several people in my life see things wrong with themselves, but seem unable to change them. I have always thought that this must be terribly frustrating. Of course, I think that sometimes part of the problem comes down to sifting through who you are, and what is excess. Who you are is who you are. All you can do is scrape away the things that aren't who you are, and come to terms with that, or cover them up. I believe that the average person does the latter, and that only the former can really make you happy, but that again comes from my belief that being ourselves is the only way to be happy.

What to do with the excess, I think can be a problem. If you take the time to see yourself for who you are, I always thought that was really the most you had to do. Simply see yourself (no small feat, mind you) and then embrace who you are. Of course, life sometimes makes this difficult by adding excess. Until recently, I thought that the excess kind of faded away if you are yourself, which is much of what happened with me. I can look back at where I saw my true self, and as such, discarded something that I was doing or being that wasn't me. Sometimes it was gradual, a few times it was dramatic (at one point, I thought I was shy, if you can imagine), but it always seemed that the challenge was just finding what was really me.

Now I realize that sometimes, that isn't all there is too it, and I feel lost. When it comes to myself, the last few years have really let me feel as though I had a handle on nearly every facet. Accepting my faults and compensating with my strength has brought me a lot of happiness, but now I see that sometimes this power isn't enough. I think that sometimes this is what my friends deal with that I haven't understood.

This entry has gone on for quite some time. Suffice to say, I am dealing now with knowing that there is an "excess" upon me that is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I know this, and for the first time, I have no idea how to get back to simply being me.