A search for frustration?

Most people spend some serious time thinking about what they look for in another person. I am certainly no different in this regard. The question is, do we know what we really look for? I mean how many times do we find someone that doesn't at all fit our "type" but we go for them anyway? Is it maybe because we can't really recognize what it is that we go for?

The other night, I was out with some friends and we were talking about "potential" people. One name in particular came up, and my friend said, "But then again, you like boys who haven't really got it all figured out yet." What? It would have been nice to dismiss this comment out of hand, but instead my ridiculously probing mind scanned through the people in my life that I have been with, and there may be some truth to that statement. A scary thought, since in many ways I feel that is something I don't want. So then I wondered, is it that I am subconsciously searching these people out, or is it that they simply seem to find me?

A great friend of mine once said that he always struggled with the idea of a relationship where both parties helped each other grow, but neither one was "the teacher." Given his personality, he is certainly going to be able to fall into the role of being a teacher quite easily. He is educated, introspective, and has a worldly view. He also likes seeing people grow, and has no problem helping them do so. Many ways, much like myself. The problem of course comes down to the fact that when it is your friends, being a teacher isn't necessarily a bad thing. In a relationship, it creates inequality. Now it may be that relationships can thrive on that inequality, but I certainly am not convinced of that. Conversely, I don't believe that you should ever be in a relationship where the two individuals didn't help one another to grow and to overcome hurdles. Grey area indeed.

So is my joy of teaching people creating a need that I didn't even recognize? It is certainly possible. I know that a lot of my friends fall into that category. I really do enjoy that people let me impact their lives, and I like doing it. When it comes to a relationship, I certainly want to do anything I can for the other, especially if it is something that they want to achieve or work through. Does this somehow relate to a need to do so? Or, if not that, is it that I draw people like that to me? That would make a lot of sense as well, since I never hold back on dispensing advice, or hide any of the things that might indicate what kind of person I am.

Another thing that happened that made me wonder if we know what we want. I spent some time with another friend of mine and he was telling me about his new interest. As he went on and on about the different aspects of this guy, I was a bit dumfounded. Not only was this guy not exactly what he traditionally liked, but point in fact, there were many things that he didn't like. Was he completely off base in what he thought he wanted and enjoyed?

Perhaps it has nothing to do with what we like or dislike, want or don't. Perhaps there is simply no rhyme or reason to who we are drawn to. But it does make you wonder, when you are playing tug of war with yourself over what you are willing to compromise in a relationship, is there any way to know, or is it always a toss of the dice?

Self Changes

How do you change something, when the power to change if the thing that you are wanting to create?

I have always held that knowledge was power. A few years ago, I met someone who has become a dear friend. He is still to this day the most introspective person I know. He made me realize that for all that I thought I searched for knowledge, I neglected the one place that I should have started first: myself. This was even more amusing to the both of us since I seemed to have such a solid grasp on other people's nature. Perhaps it was easier to see others than to face myself.

Since that time, and in large part due to his help and some unique life experiences, I began to learn a great deal about who I really am at my core, and as such have become quite introspective. While knowing the truth almost always reveals some things one would rather not see, I was still glad to know my faults as well as my strengths, and saw my life taken to a new level. I am very glad of this, but the original high of my now years-old discovery has worn off, and I have seen that there are limits and even unique frustrations to this gift of introspection.

I have noticed that several people in my life see things wrong with themselves, but seem unable to change them. I have always thought that this must be terribly frustrating. Of course, I think that sometimes part of the problem comes down to sifting through who you are, and what is excess. Who you are is who you are. All you can do is scrape away the things that aren't who you are, and come to terms with that, or cover them up. I believe that the average person does the latter, and that only the former can really make you happy, but that again comes from my belief that being ourselves is the only way to be happy.

What to do with the excess, I think can be a problem. If you take the time to see yourself for who you are, I always thought that was really the most you had to do. Simply see yourself (no small feat, mind you) and then embrace who you are. Of course, life sometimes makes this difficult by adding excess. Until recently, I thought that the excess kind of faded away if you are yourself, which is much of what happened with me. I can look back at where I saw my true self, and as such, discarded something that I was doing or being that wasn't me. Sometimes it was gradual, a few times it was dramatic (at one point, I thought I was shy, if you can imagine), but it always seemed that the challenge was just finding what was really me.

Now I realize that sometimes, that isn't all there is too it, and I feel lost. When it comes to myself, the last few years have really let me feel as though I had a handle on nearly every facet. Accepting my faults and compensating with my strength has brought me a lot of happiness, but now I see that sometimes this power isn't enough. I think that sometimes this is what my friends deal with that I haven't understood.

This entry has gone on for quite some time. Suffice to say, I am dealing now with knowing that there is an "excess" upon me that is not who I am, nor who I want to be. I know this, and for the first time, I have no idea how to get back to simply being me.

Lessons on inspiration, defeat, and pick-me-ups

So the last two days have been... well, to put it suscinctly: Hell. I found out a bit of news that I never needed to hear, and I faced several of what I can only call defeats. On top of that, a million small things, all seemed to go wrong, right when I would think there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Though I won't go into the details, I will say that all that has happened has put a serious damper on most areas of my life right now. This is not to say that I did not learn from what has happened. In fact, as I reflected tonight during my drive to Columbia, I may have indeed discovered quite a few things about myself that had heretofore been hidden.

Perhaps the most surprising to me was my reaction to my "defeats." Knowing what I do about myself and my ego, I would have assumed, as I am would most that know me, that I would be stung by defeat simply because it was a loss. Surprisingly enough, this was not at all the case. Though I do indeed enjoy winning, I did not feel bitter over defeat for its own sake. That is not to say that there were not negative emotions. What I realized that startled me no little bit was that the defeat mattered very little to me, but my concern was only for what I saw was the price I paid. Some might not see the difference, or would assume that there would be pain at the tangible price paid for a defeat or a loss, but to someone who puts a high price on winning, I was honestly taken aback at my own reactions.

Perhaps a good illustration of what I am talking about would be from the past, or even a story. Imagine a general on the field of battle. After an army is defeated, there is often talk about the shame of defeat. Even in a simple brawl, it is often the loss itself, not the bruises gained that make the most dramatic effect. This is clearly what I expected. I expected to feel a sense of loss for the price I paid, but I would have anticipated it to pale in comparison for the sting of the defeat on principal. This was even moreso due to the fact that I know how important my abilities and my victories are to me.

Something else that I spent a lot of time thinking about was why no one can ever cheer me up when they try. With the gravity of some of the things I am dealing with, those I shared even a portion with did their best to make me feel better. Though I haven't thought about it a lot, their failed attempts are something I often felt. Very rarely, if ever, has anyone who attempted to make me feel better actually done so. I know that it isn't normally for a lack of trying or sincerity on their part, though that can certainly be the case. As I reflected on it for a long time, I realized that the source of my depression (not in the continual sense, but rather a temporary state) is almost always evident not in an additional pain, but rather in the loss of what is normally there. I am not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I am beginning to see a clearer picture of my own "down times."

I have had several family members and some close friends who have dealt with, or currently deal with a lot of depression. Listening to them has given me a certain understanding of what at least some people go through. Often there is the addition of despairing thoughts, hopelessness, etc. That explains why trying to soothe someone with uplifting thoughts, and instilling hope and confidence are people's normal reactions. Often times, these overtures do a great deal for a person. Why not in my case?

I think the answer is in that what I need when I am down is not emotional support, or pick-me-ups, but inspiration. In my life, the greatest source of my energy and love of life comes from my vision and ambition. These are fueled by inspiration. When things go wrong in my life, the times that I have recovered most effectively is when I am inspired. Once I was very down before heading to Boys State. It didn't take long before I was energized and alive, because by its very nature, that program is inspiring to me. I think back to all the times where it was a struggle to feel better, no matter what efforts my friends or family made, and I realize that while there may have been a lot of energy in trying to soothe painful emotions, what I really needed was lacking, which was a kickstart to my own positive emotions.

I certainly do not feel good about the way things have gone, or what I am going through, and I haven't moved beyond the darkness I feel, but on an intellectual level, I appreciate the insight I have gained in this time, and look forward to examining it further.