As I come towards the end of my most recent trip to Washington DC, I marvel at home much I love being here. When I was first on my way here, I wondered if the fact that I spend almost 4% of my year here meant that it would lose its luster and become less of an impressive experience. Looking back, I will admit that some of the awe is gone, but even that is only somewhat diminished, and none of my love for this place, or more importantly the way of living has waned in the least.
Wandering around these streets feels so natural. It is the same sense of rightness that I feel in Chicago or New York, and comes very close to the feeling of home I felt when I lived in Boston. I still wonder whether or not some of what I feel here is based on the fact that I am traveling. No matter where I go, I love to travel, and when I do, I find myself reading more, and reflecting more (if you can imagine that). When I think about it though, I think that I am drawn to this urban, pedestrian style of life more than just because I am traveling. When I was in L.A., a large but fairly un pedestrian place, I was continually drawn to the local cafes, and would drive for 45 minutes to get to a place like West Hollywood, where I could walk around for hours. Even in Kansas City, I find I am happiest when I take an excursion to the Plaza.
It also isn't like this time is just spent idly. I find I get a lot more work done in these environments. When I am stifled, the surest way to bring me out of it is for one of my trips to come up, or at the very least for me to walk around, ending up at the Plaza Starbucks with my laptop hammering away at some new idea, or breaking through something difficult that otherwise eluded me. I can't help but feel that there is nothing novel about this sensation, and I would feel the same about it if I lived it every day of my life.
Which, brings me to my biggest dilemma: why don't I live this?
A lot of people put up with a lot in their life that they don't want to for a variety of reasons. I often try and help people find ways to live the life that they want, and there are many instances where looking at something different makes life much more malleable. I live my life very much with this philosophy, and there are very few instances where I will not do something that feels right in my heart. I will break through any barriers, and create solutions to do what it is in my heart. If anything, getting older has deepened my belief that life is truly malleable and that you should not hold yourself back.
So again, why don't I live this life I seem to love?
I could list off lots of reasons, but even typing this sentence makes me feel that I am doing again what I am so dead-set against. Most reasons are excuses that we use to convince ourselves to settle. Am I settling? On one hand, I do think that KC is a good place for my business to grow, but I am certainly not bound there logistically to run it. More than most I could pick up and move any time, and the operations of my job would barely change. I also enjoy the thought that I could help Kansas City develop, sort of be the big fish in the smaller pond, rather than the ocean of one of my more desirable cities. But honestly, is that a good reason? Especially now, I am not ready to make that impact, and there is really nothing stopping me from making those changes in the future. Family? Only a part of them lives there anyway, though I have to admit it is nice having some of them so close. Again though... seems like too good of an excuse. Various other things, like my work with Boys State and the local HRC and PROMO are important too, but moving would probably mean just reorienting myself to a new place, and pursuing those same causes there.
I feel like I could go back and forth all day, and all that does is lead to indecision. I think that is my greatest fear about this situation. Am I staying in KC because I want to or need to, or because I am being indecisive. Again, I see this all the time, and it infuriates me. I can't stand the thought that I might be playing into it myself.
I don't know that there is an easy answer. Especially now that Jake (my little brother) is living with me, I do have more to consider. At times like these though I wonder if I shouldn't make changes in my life that will make me truly happy.
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