Lessons on inspiration, defeat, and pick-me-ups

So the last two days have been... well, to put it suscinctly: Hell. I found out a bit of news that I never needed to hear, and I faced several of what I can only call defeats. On top of that, a million small things, all seemed to go wrong, right when I would think there might be some light at the end of the tunnel. Though I won't go into the details, I will say that all that has happened has put a serious damper on most areas of my life right now. This is not to say that I did not learn from what has happened. In fact, as I reflected tonight during my drive to Columbia, I may have indeed discovered quite a few things about myself that had heretofore been hidden.

Perhaps the most surprising to me was my reaction to my "defeats." Knowing what I do about myself and my ego, I would have assumed, as I am would most that know me, that I would be stung by defeat simply because it was a loss. Surprisingly enough, this was not at all the case. Though I do indeed enjoy winning, I did not feel bitter over defeat for its own sake. That is not to say that there were not negative emotions. What I realized that startled me no little bit was that the defeat mattered very little to me, but my concern was only for what I saw was the price I paid. Some might not see the difference, or would assume that there would be pain at the tangible price paid for a defeat or a loss, but to someone who puts a high price on winning, I was honestly taken aback at my own reactions.

Perhaps a good illustration of what I am talking about would be from the past, or even a story. Imagine a general on the field of battle. After an army is defeated, there is often talk about the shame of defeat. Even in a simple brawl, it is often the loss itself, not the bruises gained that make the most dramatic effect. This is clearly what I expected. I expected to feel a sense of loss for the price I paid, but I would have anticipated it to pale in comparison for the sting of the defeat on principal. This was even moreso due to the fact that I know how important my abilities and my victories are to me.

Something else that I spent a lot of time thinking about was why no one can ever cheer me up when they try. With the gravity of some of the things I am dealing with, those I shared even a portion with did their best to make me feel better. Though I haven't thought about it a lot, their failed attempts are something I often felt. Very rarely, if ever, has anyone who attempted to make me feel better actually done so. I know that it isn't normally for a lack of trying or sincerity on their part, though that can certainly be the case. As I reflected on it for a long time, I realized that the source of my depression (not in the continual sense, but rather a temporary state) is almost always evident not in an additional pain, but rather in the loss of what is normally there. I am not sure if this is the case for everyone, but I am beginning to see a clearer picture of my own "down times."

I have had several family members and some close friends who have dealt with, or currently deal with a lot of depression. Listening to them has given me a certain understanding of what at least some people go through. Often there is the addition of despairing thoughts, hopelessness, etc. That explains why trying to soothe someone with uplifting thoughts, and instilling hope and confidence are people's normal reactions. Often times, these overtures do a great deal for a person. Why not in my case?

I think the answer is in that what I need when I am down is not emotional support, or pick-me-ups, but inspiration. In my life, the greatest source of my energy and love of life comes from my vision and ambition. These are fueled by inspiration. When things go wrong in my life, the times that I have recovered most effectively is when I am inspired. Once I was very down before heading to Boys State. It didn't take long before I was energized and alive, because by its very nature, that program is inspiring to me. I think back to all the times where it was a struggle to feel better, no matter what efforts my friends or family made, and I realize that while there may have been a lot of energy in trying to soothe painful emotions, what I really needed was lacking, which was a kickstart to my own positive emotions.

I certainly do not feel good about the way things have gone, or what I am going through, and I haven't moved beyond the darkness I feel, but on an intellectual level, I appreciate the insight I have gained in this time, and look forward to examining it further.

Imagined Affection

Last night I went and saw The Night Listener with a good friend of mine (which, as an aside, was really nice as she and I have not seen each other much lately, and I had almost forgotten how much fun we had. Scary to believe, but she is more like me than anyone I have ever met). The movie was good, though a bit weird, but definitely one I would recommend to those who enjoy thoughtful movies. It even had some good humor thrown in. I won't go into the details, as doing so would definitely detract from the tale, but there is one line that really stuck out to me. Robin Williams is talking with a friend when he asks, "How can you miss someone that never existed?"

For whatever reason initially, that line stuck with me and I realized how many facets of life that can come into play. Think about when you meet someone and get to know them. Your affection for them is set one way or another based upon what you see in them. What happens when this turns out not to be truly who they are? Think of the relationships where people say they have fallen in love with a lie. What they realize is that it is not the person that they truly fell in love with, but rather who they thought that person to be. When the truth is discovered, the one in love is often devastated even though in truth the object of their affection never existed.

If you want an easier example that is perhaps more universal, consider a good novel or movie. If it is truly good, you develop feelings for the characters. You are elated when the "bad guy" is defeated, or crushed when a loveable person dies. Why? In the abstract it is easy to think that our feelings are attached to people, but in fact they seem to be only attached to thoughts, imaginings even. When reading a book you aren't even given expression or a face to attach your feelings to, only a thought. How then, can they be so powerful?

On a baser level one has to wonder whether the feelings created in any of these instances are only replications of our feelings for real things, or are they in fact the same things we always attach feelings to: an image in our mind? Answering these questions would not only provide an abstract insight into people as a whole, but could be incredibly powerful in answering a vital question that every person faces: How much can we control our feelings? Some would say that we have total control while others advise that we have none. If we are only replicating our feelings, then perhaps the latter can be true, but if feelings are really only attached to our thoughts, then the potential for our control could be great indeed.

Harry and Sally vs. Romeo & Juliet

Let me first hope that this time when I write this my computer won't crash on me. I was all down to the pictures... Hopefully I will be able to do the first post justice.

Romeo and Juliet has been heralded as one of- if not the- greatest love stories of all time. Their epic love is noticeable from the first moments they meet, and in any production adequately produced, you can't help but feel the power of their attachment. Even if they do not recognize it at first, the connection between the two is almost visible. As they come to grips with what they feel, the realize that they are in the grips of incredible passion. Love at first sight at it's greatest. In fact, their story is the quintessential example of such a powerful love.

As with everything, for it to exist, there must be something to compare it to. I think a great example of that is the love story in When Harry Met Sally. Those who have seen the film know that the story follows the two from their first meeting (where they decide they don't really like one another) all the way to twelve years and three months later, when they finally pronounce their love and marry. In between this they become fast friends, and it is only after a long while they realize the love that they have developed for one another. Some would call their love "learned love."

Given these two possibilities of falling in love, you have to ask two questions: 1. Which of the two is more desirable, and perhaps first 2. Which, if either, actually is possible?

When thinking about the second question, I was presented an interesting thought by a friend of mine. It was in one of those surveys that goes around e-mail and MySpace asking you all sorts of things. One of the questions was "Do you believe in love at first sight?" His response was, "No. Lust at first sight yes, but love is something that only develops over time." Interesting thought.

At first, my hopelessly romantic self instantly rebelled at this statement, but then I began to think about it and talk to other people about it and see what truth there might be behind those words. Can you fall hard and fast for someone? Can you look at them and know that you love them? Can a short period of time bring a lifetime's worth of love?

With the first in doubt, we must look at the alternative. Many would say that people who fall in love over time are actually always in love, it just takes them time to realize or come to grips with their feelings. Given the judgmental nature of people, and the mysterious "chemistry" this seems plausible. Of course, many friendships form over time, and perhaps love can follow suit.

Denying feelings is also a powerful thing. Harry and Sally as well as Mr. Darcy and Ms. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice exhibit hatred towards one another in their first meeting. Since I certainly subscribe to the belief that indifference, not hate is the opposite of love, it can easily be seen that hate can mask the other powerful feeling of love, either intentionally or not.

Lets assume for now that both scenarios are completely possible, and you can chose between them. Which is better?

Love at first sight certainly has more risks. Making a judgement that quick can turn out to be blind to many things. Without having time to get to know whether you and your interest are compatible, you can become emotionally attached without there being much chance of working out. Also, if the other person doesn't fall in line so quickly, you are more likely to get hurt. The pain of loss is always hard, and when you fall fast for someone it makes the pain more likely, and more acute.

Of course, taking your time can present problems as well. The first is the time that it takes. Most people become more inclined towards a family the older they get. Women especially feel this with their "biological clock," lending to the possibility that you might settle for less than the one you could really love because of your desire to have that family. Also, there is a great risk for damaging a good friendship. Many people have a hard time making that transition, and if one wants to and the other doesn't, you feel both the pain of unrequited love, and the strain or breaking of your friendship. That can be painful indeed.

Though it is fun to examine this as an intellectual exercise, I certainly have emotional and spiritual beliefs. At this point in my life, I can say that I can't imagine anything other than love at first sight. This is not to say that everything works out right away, as life can tend to make things difficult at times. What I don't think is possible is for me not to feel strongly for someone when I meet them, and later grow into it. I have often been said to fall hard and fast, and it's true. For a while I thought that I might have been elevating my feelings to some ideal that I couldn't actually achieve, but recently I have affirmed to myself that I really can feel the connections with those I love early. Though I can indeed "lust" after people early, the difference in that first glance can be felt in my soul. Sometimes it is hard to tell them apart, but looking back, I can see the difference. The feelings I have for the people in my life I have loved have all been fast and powerful. Even when circumstances keep us apart, I know my feelings to be true.

Though sometimes I would long for the comfort of learning to love someone, and the power of that love coming out of nowhere and taking me by surprise, I know that such a relationship would never be as true as one where I felt that pull right from the beginning. Though this philosophy leaves me open to be burned, as I have been burned in the past, it is something that I know is part of who I am. Perhaps the world is made up of Romeo and Juliets as well as Harry and Sallys. If it is, I know that I am indeed a Romeo, and that my love will be fast and powerful, even if it hurts. I know that I will find someone that embraces this, and that will bring me a truer form of happiness.