Concert Review: True Colors Tour

Last night I attended the True Colors Concert in Dallas, a benefit concert put on by HRC, Logo, and the Matthew Shepard Foundation. Cyndi Lauper was the creator of the tour, inspired after a conversation with Judy Shepard at the HRC Dinner a year ago. The goal was to raise awareness for the Hate Crimes Bill that is currently going through the legislature. It was certainly inspiring. I was moved by the performances by all of the artists, and the reactions of the audience. Having experienced this, I am pretty sure that I will only seek to attend concerts that are for a good cause. For one, I like my money going towards good things, but also I think that it creates a different environment when people come together to do something great.

I was fortunate enough to have front row seats. If I had felt like daring security, I could have easily touched the artists. That's how close I was. I did take a lot of pictures, but I realized that it is time to get a new camera. For casual use, it is a fantastic piece of equipment, but shows always leave me wanting more. Knowing that I was close enough to catch every subtle facial expression, but not having most of my pictures exhibit this was frustrating.

Technically, I went by myself, but strangely I found that I was constantly running into friends of mine. I really wasn't aware of how many people I knew in Dallas. It was especially great to see so many of my HRC friends, since really we only get to hang out while we are working ourselves ragged at the DC trainings and events.

All of the performers got a chance to say their piece about discrimination, and hate crimes, which was completely heartfelt and a great addition to the show. Among the entertainers, Rosie O'Donnell and Margaret Cho provided comedy relief, and they were both in top form. I really enjoyed them both, and thought that they added a lot to the show. Rosie was funnier than I have ever seen her, and followed that up with singing backup vocals and playing the drums for Cyndi, which I thought was neat. I was especially happy that in the end, all the entertainers came back on stage for the final two numbers.

All in all, I had a great time, felt moved by what was there, and was really happy that something like that was so well embraced by the community.
I did manage to catch some video. The first has poor sound, but the dancing was fun, and the second was just such a great way to end the show.

Daniel's Wisdom

During my drive to Dallas, I listened to a lot of music. As most of you know, my mind loves to analyze things, and I like to identify with songs. Imagine how much this is enhanced as I am driving through endless miles of highway in the middle of the night. As it happens, I found one of my old MP3 discs right before I left, so that played through several hours. In the middle of that, Daniel Bedingfield came on. I have always liked him, but haven't listened to him much recently. I have always liked how his songs are very diverse, while his lyrics are always strong. He seems to sing from the heart as well as from experience, and I think it showed. As my wandering mind broke down his songs, some songs and verses really stuck to me at this moment. Oh, and before you ask, no, nothing new has happened that spawned these attachments, and yes, I cut some sections out of some songs, so you get at what I was really taken by.

And mama told me if I want her. I gotta take it slow
You just can't tell her, you gotta find other ways to let her know
But I don't understand this game
This is so new to me
I wanna tell her
I wanna take her in my arms

Give her time and maybe one-day she'll come around
And see the love I am offering
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl
Heaven knows everyday I pray
That someday she will belong to me
'Cause I don't wanna live without the girl.

"Gotta Get Thru This"

If only I could get through this
I get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
I'm gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

Give me just a second and I'll be all right
Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart
Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay
Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is pouring like the rain
I close my eyes and it's gone again
When will I get the chance to say I love you
I pretend that you're already mine
Then my heart ain't breaking every time
I look into your eyes

If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
If only I could get through this
God, God gotta help me get through this

I gotta get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta make it, gonna make, gonna make it through
Said I'm gonna get through this
I gotta get through this
I gotta take my, gotta take my mind off you

If only I could get through this...

"If You're Not The One"

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I'll never know whatthe future brings
But I know you're here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
You know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms.

Good stuff, eh?

Rick is Finally Urban(ish) Again!!! and Oh! The Revelations!

Yesterday, I was literally in my car heading out of town to visit a friend when I got a call from the leasing agent at the apartment complex I was looking at. She asked if I wanted to get my keys that day. Without hesitation, I called my friend to postpone my trip, and turned right around. I took everything from my house that would fit in my car- enough to live on- and moved in right then.

I have always been a city guy. When I was younger I really had no way of knowing this, but the moment I started traveling, it was quite plain. I love the pedestrian lifestyle, big buildings, throngs of people. It makes me very happy. When I was living in Boston for school, I seriously felt like I was at home for the first time in my life. Something about cities brings together the various aspects of my personality quite nicely. My extreme extroversion, ambition, love of culture, desire for change are all fed by the urban environment. Throughout my life, any time I have felt in a slump, as simple trip to a big city, or even to the Plaza or Downtown Starbucks would do wonders to perk me up. The reason was not that it was a vacation, in fact those who know me see me do more work in these environments than when I am sitting in my office.

All of these things I knew. What I didn't realize was how much I missed it, or that I needed it. Simply knowing that I was now living downtown made such a significant impact on me that I can't describe it. Even knowing that my move was to Downtown Kansas City, and not some gargantuan city that I would prefer didn't seem to make as much of an impact as I thought it would. Though KC doesn't provide me with everything I want, the difference to me was so significant that I was completely taken aback. When I think that within a relatively small amount of time, I will move again to a major metropolis, I am quite simply giddy.

I think that what I realized more than anything in this move was how important your home really is. Back when I was involved in Landmark Education, though they said a lot of things completely out of line with my beliefs, they did get it right on that note. They tried to instill in us how important being happy with where you live was. It never really got through till now.

My most recent move prior to this one, I really didn't get this same feeling, even though in a lot of ways it was a great move. I was much closer to the things I cared about (including Downtown), and my house was a great one. What I know now is that I was simply "okay" with where I lived. I moved there for reasons that were not my own, and later the living situation continued to change in directions that pushed that joy even further away. I suppose I convinced myself somehow that as long as I wasn't unhappy with where I was, that was what I should care about. Any of you that know me understand that I believe that a person should be happy in everything that they do. Life will never be perfect, so you should surround yourself with only things that being you joy so when life's hiccups come along, you are not swept away. For some reason, in certain aspects, most especially my living space, somehow I had gone from demanding happiness to simply avoiding unhappiness. This is not the same thing, were you to have asked me that, I would have been the first to tell it to you. Recognizing how I was actually settling, something very much against my philosophy of life, was more difficult, but I am glad I did.

Interestingly enough, moving was not the only thing that made me realize that I settle way too easily in certain areas. I am sure that my friend Rae would have plenty to say in an area that I have put up with far more than I should. After Chris and I broke up, well over three years ago now, I have had several interests, but no real relationship to speak of. That is not to say that I did not get my heart broken, especially from the one guy I actually gave the title of boyfriend too. While ultimately I did not end up with any of these interests, I realize that I certainly hung on to nearly all of them too long.

Without going into too much detail about this (both because I have before, and I know I am going to do it in a future entry very soon), I believe that a romantic relationship is only worth having if it has ultimate long term potential. This is the reason that I don't throw the title of boyfriend around very easily. I had convinced myself that I was doing well, being cognizant of what had that potential and what didn't. I was definitely willing to ensure that a relationship did not extend very far if the romantic side wasn't there. If I wasn't falling for them, it wasn't worth it. My heart definitely took charge when it needed to. The problem is that at some point, I let myself be convinced that something was a lot greater than it was. I forgot what someone could make me feel like if I was really for them 100%, when my mind and my heart were in complete agreement. In the last year especially, I think that I got so excited by someone that I had strong feelings for that I put far more of my heart on the line than I ever should have, hence me getting hurt. Though I am not with anyone now, recent events have reminded me of exactly what it means to have real feelings all the way around for someone. To care about someone without the hidden thoughts that you are settling. When you are looking at an individual who can actually be right for you, and you for them. I have known some great guys in my life. Most of them could never be my partner in life, nor I their's. Somehow I lost sight of the difference.

Though I have obviously never been with someone to the point that we actually become partners, I know what it takes to be that. That's the reason that the three incredibly significant relationships that I have had all ended with no regret. Though we did not work out, the potential was there, and it played itself out. I believe that is what happens when you don't settle. Things may not end perfectly, but you don't live with the regret. If you take the best potential you have, and work your hardest to make sure that you play that out, any pain comes is infinitely lessened, and your regrets are none. I don't know how I lost sight of that, but I am glad I have my vision back.

So what does all this revelation mean to my life? Well for one, I am going to revel in my new place, but I know for certain that Kansas City will not be my home for much longer. Even if I didn't have a pact that would take me away within 2 years, I would still be gone. I have waited too long already. I like Kansas City. I think that someday I may even come back, but I know for certain that while I may not be unhappy here, I am not as happy as I would be in the cities I love. The same with relationships. I refuse to settle for someone I like. My partner, like my home must be loved, and by all aspects of me. I have been good about this in my career, not it is time to enforce it in the other aspects of my life as well. When I walk home, I want to feel comfort, love the way it looks and feels both by its interior and its location. When I am with someone I want my heart and my mind to agree that this is someone worth being with. I want a home and a partner that both make me feel embraced, and wanted. Having seen what I can do to convince myself to settle, I am done. No longer will these things cloud my vision, no longer will I take less than what brings me joy. Life should be sweet, and while I cannot account for everything, for too long I have not been accountable to myself, and that ends now. The new season is beginning, and it is looking to be a beautiful one!

Right Place at the Right Time? And More Trio Musings

Last night after a successful HRC Meeting, the evening continued at Trio. As is often the case when I am with those friends, particularly at that bar, many interesting topics came up for discussion. I always like these conversations, because there is such a wealth of experience to draw on, and from so many different places and viewpoints. I was the only one under 30, and most were over 40 with significant experience, so they all have a lot to say.

Over the course of the evening we talked about a great many things, and I really enjoyed the travel conversations. I am working it out to not increase my travel per se this year, but rather to expand the places that I go to. I have been pretty much every where in the U.S., but already I have now put on the agenda Brazil and Hawaii for this year. I am also looking at 2 European trips next year. I have always had friends abroad, but I am finally putting off taking these trips.

As seems so often is the case, the subject of relationships came up. While I certainly like hearing their viewpoints and experience on the subject, with everything I am trying to deal with on my own, this was the one subject I would have been happy to avoid. Alas, as one of the people at our table was mulling over some serious issues, the inevitable conversation ensued.

One of the interesting thing that we did talk about was the differences between guys and girls, and even more among gay men and lesbians. With the latter groups there does seem to be some fluidity, but some things seem more the same. The girls were pretty much unable to grasp the thought of having a "friend with benefits" while the guys had seen, if not experienced it quite a lot. There was speculation about the relationship that women have with sex compared to men, but then there were two of us who felt like we empathized with both groups. One friend had enjoyed casual relationships in his past, but now was happily married, which is what he really wanted. The casual ones were fun, but not the ultimate. I certainly understand the distinction. Another guys talked about how even in relationships, sex was simply for recreation, and though it took place within a relationship, it was just fun no matter what. The girls were in direct opposition to this.

One thing that did surprise me was the clear stated value of the "u-haul." The common joke is that while among 2 men, the first date always leads to sex, with 2 women, the first date always comes with one of them bringing a U-Haul. This of course meaning that they move in right away. I have seen some evidence of this, but have never really given thought to the pros and cons before. Listening to both the men and women agree that while scary, moving in sooner than later can save a whole lot of time. Obviously you have to be cognizant of how easily you can recover if things go sour, but as one of the girls said, "There is no better way to find out if there is really the potential for the long term." I can see how this is true, and when I think of some of the bad roommates people put up with, it's kind of a wonder that people are so afraid of moving in too soon. Some might say that you have to wait for the right time, which of course brings us to the most interesting topic.

Is timing everything? The last thing that we talked about, the one that I really philosophize about is the matter of timing. The phrase "the right place at the right time" is said so often, and yet looking at it, I wonder how often this happens in relationships. Listening at those couples who have lasted the longest, it seemed almost that they met at some of the worst times for one another. It kind of goes to what I have talked about before, when people tell me that when I look for love I won't find it. The only times I find I am not looking for it, is when it really is a bad time in my life due to whatever extraneous circumstances exist. In those moments, by these standards, it would be so the wrong time, but the most likely that I will find what I really wanted. It doesn't help that my current circumstance falls obnoxiously into this category on both sides.

My friend Michael made a big deal about talking how looking for timing makes us forget that relationships are work. No matter how happy or unhappy someone is alone, it truly is easier. In his case, he is quick to add that the work he puts into his relationship with his partner is the most valuable thing he does, but it still is work. The girls chimed in, agreeing completely and saying that often the work brings great rewards, and can even be fun while it is happening, but it is still a great effort. My friend that brought this subject up was mentioning how he had not met someone when it was the right time, and that there were points he had met people when he shouldn't be in a relationship. The table was quick to respond that though you have to be cautious when looking at what is going on in your life before getting into something serious, timing can be your worst enemy. Life is so tumultuous, if you wait for the perfect time, you will almost certainly miss the perfect mate. Chances are, both don't come along at the same time. As this conversation continued, it made me wonder so much about what I have seen in my own life. To hear these people who hold some of the best relationships I have ever seen all come to agreement on this, and yet have others say that overcoming timing can be impossible, I can't help but wonder how two people can both overcome the circumstances in their own worlds to make sure that they can be together. I certainly know that I feel much more likely to look simply for the right guy, not try to be in "the right place at the right time." I would rather work for something incredible than to fall into something less worthwhile.

To the Strange Triumvirate

No one knows why three people can come to share such similarities, nor how the paths in their lives seem to cross the same obstacles within the same time frame. When advising one, the others feel as though the words are for them. For these three, this song says so much about the strange situations. Are the romantic hearts beating for those who don't beat back? Do the changes in relationships mean the end? Unfortunately we do not know. All we can do is listen and advise and see where life takes us. To the three lovers upon different paths with such similarities. A song that sings to both sides of our struggles. May the loves we seek truly collide.

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm open, you're closed
Where I follow, you'll go
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a frist impression
I've found I'm scared to know I'm always on your mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills your mind
You finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide

Proof of Longevity

*Note that there is a brief recap of the night in the beginning. If you want the philosophical stuff, skip to paragraph 4.

So tonight was a good night. Though the day was packed with endless errands and visits to places I would rather shy away from, all that changed as evening hit. We had a HRC event encouraging people in the community to take action and make commitment now. That in itself went very well. It was even better that my amazing boyfriend went with me and for the first time ever, I was able to really introduce someone to that aspect of my life.

After the event, there was a nice drive, and a visit to Adam's work. After which both of us had places to be, but alas, before we parted ways, my mouth got away from me and I think that I said more than I should have. I don't know the repercussions that this conversation will bring, but I dearly hope that it turns out for the best. Times like these I almost want to damn my Sagittarian nature.

The dinner that followed with select members of my HRC family was phenomenal. For the event, we brought in one of the heads of the political side of HRC from the corporate office in DC. Of course we had to take him out for dinner. We headed to Trio, which of course is always a good local, and we talked a lot about the political future of the US as a whole as well as Missouri and Kansas. What I loved the most though, seemed to be happening in the background.

As it would happen, everyone that was there was part of a long lasting partnership. To make it even better, three of the couples were guys! Throughout the night just in the course of conversation, people would mention their partners, or in some case even their kids and the conversation would drift towards their relationship. Of course when you are talking the politics of gay rights, it is incredibly helpful to look at it in your own lives, and as all of the friends I was with are great conversationalists, they would interject their own stories about their relationships.

As I listened to the various trials and more importantly the triumphs of these relationships, I was overjoyed. I mean for the most part I was completely aware of how long these couples had been together, but to hear how close they were and what they did to stay together, I really saw how it can happen. One of them talked about how he paid his partner's way through law school nearly 20 years ago, and now was looking at staying at home and taking care of the house and working solely on philanthropic endeavors. Another talked about how she would travel around the country to be with her partner while she was away on business. The stories went on and on, and though I knew the outline for most of them, to hear them all together, no one at the table besides me outside of that lifelong relationship, I was reminded that for all the failing I see and for all the criticism against it, love really does work.

What was even better about most of these stories is that most of the things that they did for one another weren't sacrifices. So many people go on and on about how the only way to make relationships work is to sacrifice so much. Here were these incredibly successful people, each of whom had found a partner to SHARE their life with. Not to give up their life for, but to share in the joys, and the sorrows. One talked about this party that they didn't go to together for fear of the other being outed at work. He talked about how afterwards they fought violently over meaningless things only to realize that by trying to sacrifice who they were for the others job only made them miserable. The stories that they told were ones where they didn't sacrifice themselves, but just how as the relationship developed they made decisions that made them happier. One was saddened that the other was gone so much. So, she started meeting her on her travels. She got to see her partner more and experience places she never had before. Again and again the choices they made weren't ones of pain and sacrifice, but ones of love and bounty.

This is what I believe love is. This is what I see in the best relationships, and what I seek so desperately for in my own life. Two people who come together and make something beautiful. Two people who share their life, mitigating their pain in each other and expounding every joy to new levels. It is so easy in a society where divorce is so prevalent, and even more in a community where marriage is barred and looked down upon to forget that relationships are incredible. Even amongst ourselves, I see so many friends who go through terrible experiences, people who give up so soon. Even the good stories sometimes look bad. Eight year relationships end, when no one thought they would. The one you meet that changes you so much ends up not staying. These are the things that so often are spoken of in a society that seems to have given up on love. Tonight reminded me that this simply isn't what we need to do.

Love is as powerful as the stories say, and when we stop only looking at the dark side of the world, we can make something with another that is far greater than what we could do on our own. I don't know if where I am now will create this- I certainly hope so- but this night goes beyond what I have now to remind me what is possible and that I should never for settle for any less. No matter what is said, love is real, and living together with someone for the rest of your life is a very real possibility that involves work, yes, but a labor of love, and not pain. One that provides far more than it can ever take away.