How is it Different?

So as most of you know, the show I just got done producing had a lot of gay themes in it. To put it more specifically, the world was opposite of this one, where the norm was gay and straight people were completely marginalized. Of course as the show progresses, there are gay moments, straight moments, and of course being a musical, gay musical moments. ;-)

What bothers me is this. Some of my family saw it. Those who did made the mistake of bringing friends, specifically one or two that were immature jerks who I wanted to kick in the face (I happened to be actually watching that show on a date. Yes, a date.) Apparently their incessant talking that distracted from some of the greatest moments of the show were centered around the fact that they were "weirded out" by some of the "gayer" moments.

Of course then there were all the family that didn't come, not because of prior engagements, but because they said, "Why would we want to see a gay show?" Can something make me want to scream a little more? I mean I play the "eww gross" game about girly parts every once in a while for fun, but seriously, how can something with gay themes bother anyone? And for that matter, what do these close minded people think runs through our minds every time we see… oh, say ANYTHING!

We live in such a heterosexist society that it at times drives me crazy. The fact that after six years of being out to them, many of my family still can't grasp the simple basic premise that being gay is simply loving someone of the same sex. I swear, most of them have no problem with the fact that I would sleep with another guy, but to see two guys existing as a "normal" couple totally weirds them out.

Why is it that something has to be mainstream to be ok? Why is it that nearly anytime I watch a movie or a play, I watch parades of straight romances and because that is more common, I am supposed to be fine with that while a simple gay kiss gets people freaked out?

My mom (who is blessedly not one of the people who gets crazy about it) tries to defend people, especially certain siblings, by saying that they are trying. Pardon my American, but bullshit. Trying is making a concerted effort to understand something. Trying is not going on six years and practically being a distant memory from your brother's life because you don't want to understand. Not looking at something as much as possible and only getting "a little" crazy when you are faced with it is not trying. That is cowardess.

I hate that there is a gay film industry that can only sell their films to gay people. I don't blame them, I blame the society that makes it so. Why is watching Prom Queen only for gay guys, but She's All That is ok for everyone? Even with the most conservative estimates out there (which from personal experience are ridiculously low) nearly everyone knows someone who is gay. So why is it that having a gay character in a movie is so crazy? If you have 10-20 cast members without one being gay, something is seriously awry in your filming diversity. And yet it happens all the time. Even worse, when they include a gay character, it is under the radar. They are never "actually" together with someone. You just get hints that they might be. Come on! And I am not even talking lead roles here. Simply background characters that are allowed to be themselves would be great.

Ugh. I could rant for ever about this. I hate how people allow themselves to be close minded and then try and come up with excuses. "Oh, we just aren't used to that. It's not that it bothers us." Rriigghhtt. You can take your 13 year olds to movies where men practically rape women on screen, but a simple romantic kiss throws your entire existence into spin. That certainly makes sense to me. Suffice to say, I am tired of feeling disconnected from my family and it being my fault for not being patient enough with them, and I am tired of being patient with a world that simply doesn't want to open its eyes to see anything different than what they are. Wake up world! Every day you are surrounded by people not like you. Before you decide how much you want to turn away from them, why don't you wonder what it is that they feel like when they look at you.

Thoughts on Review

So today was the last performance of Zanna, Don't! and I have to say that it was definitely an adventure. I think the show went really well, and I was incredibly happy to be able to work with all the incredible people that I did during my first time as a producer.

The show ending was of course bittersweet. In some ways I am happy that I will be able to take a break, but honestly I enjoyed the show so much and working with all my friends that I will certainly miss it a lot. Looking at all that happened, I know that this is something I will do again. I certainly learned a lot and am excited to think about what I can accomplish knowing what I do now. I do not know to what extreme that will be, but I do know that I will do more shows. I can easily see myself doing a summer show here every year even after I move away. Of course I could end up going even further. It is hard to tell at this point.

One thing that wasn't so great about my show had nothing to do with the show itself, but rather its importance to those close to me. I know that sometimes things come up in people's lives that remove them from important events of those they care about, but I was really taken aback by the lack of interest that I got from people I care about when it came to seeing this show. This was my first production ever. On my first opening night, a moment that will never come again, I was crushed to know that no one from my family would be there, and few friends either. As the weeks of the show went on, I was never really relieved by a good showing.

It is funny. I marketed this show to perfect strangers who were entranced, and later I saw them in attendance. With only a few exceptions (and I am incredibly thankful for those exceptions) most of the people that I would have thought would run to see something I had helped create, never came. Of course this creation can never be seen again, and so it was really hard to think about.

I don't know why we can so easily dismiss things that are important some times. I am certainly guilty occasionally, but I am still surprised. To me, though I cannot always make it, someone's passion for something really sparks my interest. If it is just an event that means nothing to them, I won't really feel it, but if they care about it, and it is important to them, I am energized by their excitement and want to share that with them. I don't understand how it isn't the same for other people.

Maybe it isn't a matter of people in general as simply how I factor into some people's lives. Maybe this was simply an indicator that at times I think that people are more a part of my life than they really are. I am often chastised by those who know me best for keeping people in my life long after they have proven that they aren't really active participants. Maybe this was just a clear example of that.

I realize that the last few paragraphs have sounded pretty mopey. That isn't really how I feel now. I won't try and kid myself into saying that knowing that many of the people I consider to be a part of my life not seeing my show didn't deeply affect me, but on the flip side, it has really made me value those who did. Add that to the great experience that this show was, and I am really happy at where it is.

Of course, there is one person who in particular makes it rather impossible to be down for too long. The night we saw the show together was incredible, and that alone may be worth any of the frustrations I have with other people in my life. Many very different feelings from the same show, all of them having the potential to significantly impact my life. I wonder where these thoughts and discoveries will take me.

One Door Closes, but Another Opens?

Hmmm. Hellen Keller may have had it there. Lately a lot of doors seem to be closing. Many aspects of my life are coming to an end, or being forcibly removed. On that note, I got my car back. Basically, there is just enough damage to make me angry, but not enough for insurance to cover, and every last thing that was in there of mine is now gone. Every hour I think of something else that is gone. Tons of clothes, equipment, paperwork and sentimental things are lost forever. On one hand maybe the lesson is not to get too attached to material things, but still. And I am a sentimental guy. Some of the things I lost have no value to anyone else, but to me they are important. Everything from my pad folio that I have used since Harvard to my Director's Script for Zanna, Don't with all my notes. Things of no meaning to anyone else, but lost to me, the one who cares.

Other aspects of my life are in the air too, but I am not ready to talk about them. Interestingly enough some things may be opening up too. Tonight at a fundraiser they had Tarot Card readers, and whether or not you believe in that, it was interesting. Rae and Justin and I (who had a month ago made a pact to move to NY in a year and a half) all got that a big move and major change was coming down the road. Lots of other interesting things were said. My friends had a field day as the things that came up representing me were intense passion and emotional decision making, a strong sense of business, and a search for my soul mate. If you know me, no doubt you are enjoying yourself now too. Who knows what the future holds.

On other fronts? Well, I am a producer of a musical. Who wouldn't use the songs in there? Oh dear. This could be interesting.

MIKE:
Well I was walkin? down the hall, just beginning my day,
When I see this guy, and he's comin' my way.
My heart starts thumping and my hands start to sweat
This is the closest thing to heaven that I'm ever gonna get.
I sit in class dreaming with a smile on my face.
The teacher calls on me but I'm still floatin' in space.
And she hands me back my quiz and I see all the things I missed
And she asks what the explanation is. I say
Well it looks like love, and it sounds like love,
And it seems like love, and it feels like love;
And it walks like love, and it talks like love,
And it runs like love, and it skips like love;
And it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
Disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, I think?
I think I got love.

STEVE: You think you got love?
MIKE: Yeah, I think I got love.
STEVE: Yeah, you think you got love?
MIKE: Yeah, it might be love.
STEVE: You think it could be love.
MIKE: I think it could be love.
STEVE: Man, I hope it's love, 'cuz at the game

I looked up at the crowd and thought I saw this guy
who was lookin' at me, though I could not imagine why.
My head started spinning, and it just kept gettin' worse,
and so right after the game, I headed straight down to the nurse.
She said,'You don't have a fever, you don't have the flu;
I don't think you're pregnant, so I don't have a clue.
But then she checked my heart it was purring like a cat
She smiled at me and said, I think I know what causes that.
She said, 'It looks like love, and it sounds like love,
and it seems like love, and it feels like love;
and it walks like love, and it talks like love,
and it runs like love, and it skips like love;
and it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, she said?
I think you got love.

MIKE: She thought you got love?
STEVE: She said it could be love.
MIKE: The nurse thought it was love?
STEVE: Yeah, I just came from her a minute ago and she said it was love.
MIKE: You think it could be love?
STEVE: I think it could be love.
MIKE: Man, I hope you got love...
I knew the first moment I saw you.
STEVE: Really? I didn't know for sure until you started singing a few minutes ago.
Up until then, I don't think I knew what love was.
MIKE: You mean you never...
STEVE: No, never. You know, being on the football team is not like being on the chess team
we're not the sex symbols
that you guys are.
MIKE: Oh...well...we're really not sex symbols...
STEVE:
Oh, yeah, right.
I never thought that someone like you would...go for someone like me.
MIKE: Ditto.

M/S:
Well it looks like love, and it sounds like love,
And it seems like love, and it feels like love;
And it walks like love, and it talks like love,
And it runs like love, and it skips like love;
And it hurts like love, disappoints like love,
Disappears like love, reappears like love.
And it shouts like love and it sings like love
So guess what, my friend, I think?
I think we got lo-oo-oo-ve.
I think we got lo-oo-oo-ve.
I think we got love.

Thoughts from the Theft

There are times when things happen that really make you question a lot. I mean, just to pull an example from… thin air… if, say, your car was stolen, in broad daylight, while working at a theatre, you might question the morals of people. Why would you do that? I mean I know that lots of bad things happen to people in their lives, but at what point does someone look at themselves and decide that they are willing to hurt others to get what they want? Seriously, I don't know why someone would steal my car. The cops said they think it was for dope runs. Are you kidding me? Was it worth the money, time and trouble that you are causing someone else? I guess it was for them, but wow, how does someone get to that point.

Another thing that I have to question based on this experience, is our law enforcement. Now in many ways I have a lot of respect for the profession and their existence. I think that for the most part they do a great thing, and I applaud them for it. But tell me why is it that when something really bad happens, so little can seem to be done? When I have a parking ticket, they can hunt me down like no tomorrow, but when my car is stolen and I can't remember my license plate number, somehow all options for finding such a thing is beyond them. Uhm, isn't it a government registry? Aren't you the cops? Forgive my ignorance, but it seems to me that such information should hardly be beyond them. And I am not the only one to experience such things. When my mom calls in drug dealers across the street, how can they not get arrested? When someone who steals my car say they only borrowed it how can they only do one day in jail with no fine? In reverse, how is it that a missed speeding ticket can get you carted off for several days and several hundred dollars? Enough bitching about that.

I was happy with my friends. Several of them were there for me, even though there was little that anyone could do, people trying to help out, and especially offering rides was really helpful. Actually the offers were nice, but the shots were the best. ;-) Seriously, it was nice to see that people cared, and especially a particular person whom many have doubted, made a lot of effort when they didn't have to, to both help me out, and to make me feel better. It was very interesting to see how different people react to something like this. Some people turned immediately to jokes, others tried to console, while some just ignored the problem. I don't know that any way was better than others, but seeing different reactions, was certainly interesting.

Lastly, I am fascinated to think of why this happened, cosmically if you will. As a person who believes that everything happens for a reason, I wonder what impact this event has had and what was set in motion by this seemingly destructive occurrence. Was there a relationship that changed? Was staying over at a friend's house making some sort of difference? Did going out later and missing the show I planned on seeing eventful? Or maybe seeing the show I hadn't intended. So many possibilities, it is thrilling to try and think of what might have come from something that was in many ways a negative thing. Of course the unfortunate thing is that I could never figure it out, or if I do, it could easily be a long way down the road. Still, that doesn't mean it isn't fun to speculate.

I will know tomorrow how much damage there was, and if I lost everything or nothing, etc. Regardless of these facts though, as frustrating and depressing as the weekend's events were, it is definitely something that I like to look at and think about.

What a Night!

Ok… so lets try this again without accidentally typing over my whole entry and realize there is no edit undo while typing online.

Ahem.

Well, it finally happened. Last night I opened my first show as a Producer, and what a rush! Not only was there an incredible satisfaction in knowing that I had helped bring something to life on stage, but the ride was incredible. The show itself (Zanna, Don't! if you somehow haven't heard) is phenomenal and when you couple that with the talented cast and crew that was assembled, I can't help but be overjoyed. Looking back, there was indeed a lot of stress, and a lot of work (with more to come), but I realize that the stress was energizing and the work felt good. It has been a long time since I have felt that. It was great. I think that's how any job should be. I don't know what that means for me at this moment, but at least I had it. But on with the night!

The show was a success. It went off very well. The glitches are manageable and the audience was pleased. A good performance, that definitely makes me look forward to the rest of the run.

..After the show, the cast and crew assembled at my favorite bar (Bar Natasha if you have somehow missed that tidbit of my life) for our Opening Night Party. Like any event that you have a hand in putting on, it definitely had its stresses, but I had a good time. The cast and crew were having fun, my friends were hysterical, a good combination. Of course you add into the mix shots with Rae, getting closer to a new friend (non sexually thank you very much) from the cast- even if he did catch me on fire with his shot, and watching the girls reenact the swooning in "Beauty School Dropout" sure made for a fun night.

Though it was at the party that the first downer hit. A good friend of mine was hanging out with us after seeing the show, and we realized that it was the last time we would see each other for a while. He was leaving for a job for six months, and though we both knew it was coming, the moment we realized that it was the last we would see one another certainly struck home with me. Over the last half a year, we have gotten pretty close. Having gone through some pretty interesting things together as well as having an abundance of similarities (including the exact same taste in men) has made me feel really close to him. I will miss him, and it was last night that it hit home how much.

..After that, the party was winding down, and several conversations started centering around love. This of course is not entirely surprising considering that the many forms and trials of love are the show's central themes. Such conversations.. have of late left a sour taste in my mouth, and last night was no different. There are those moments where I definitely feel the void of not having someone with me, and they were sure there last night. It didn't help that several of the people that I have, or perhaps would like to make, history with were out, and people were being very… weird.

After that bar closed a lot of us went over to a club that was open later, and there the strange behavior of people went to an all new level. Some people it was almost as though they completely went out of their heads. Aggression and sexual tension seemed high amongst the entire crowd without there seeming to be much reason. Afterwards, in a completely weird mood, I saw more instances of strange behavior, and one of my friends commented that they wondered if the moon was full or something, because people were just being strange. At least I wasn't crazy. Unfortunately, weird behavior in people that you have complicated relationships with and feelings for can make those both far worse, and so it was last night. It wasn't even any specific person, but more a parade of things that I just don't understand.

I finally ended my night by taking Rae home and talking on her porch… until 6am. I could write ten journal entries with what we talked about, so I won't belabor it here, but suffice to say that the starting of the show, changes in both of our lives, and the culmination of all the weird aspects of the night gave us a lot to talk about. As happens often lately, I was glad that she and I have developed the relationship that we have. Such conversations are always great. So with that, I suppose I ended on a high note, but still… What a night!

Oh, the Cursed Tours

Oh the cursed tours.
Current mood: anxious
Category: Life

Imagine a scenario where you will consistently meet people who are by and large talented, intelligent, well traveled, and attractive. Good deal, eh? Of course, there is one small clincher: you will only have a week with them. Can you imagine the conflicts that go through your head?

My favorite bar in town- one where I go even on off nights to hang out with my friends that work there- happens to also be the most likely destination for the cast of a show that is touring in town. Since the bar is the perfect environment to engage people in conversation and get to know new people and I am a fairly social individual, it often seems to happen that I meet and proceed to get to know many people in the cast. Since they don't normally know many people in town, they are eager to hang out with people they meet, and so I normally make fast friends.

The problem comes that since this is their life; they are used to fitting the entirety of a relationship into a short period of time. They have nothing else to do outside the show, so if they make friends, you will normally see a lot of them, and chances are get really close to them, all before they up and leave town.

Even though you go into any of these relationships with this in the back of your mind, sometimes people break through, and to say that this is bittersweet would be the understatement of the year. Remember that these are national touring actors who travel all over. Often times, people I have met on tour have been the most interesting I have met in my life. Is it any wonder it is hard to keep detached?

Note that when I am talking about this, I am mostly pointing at friendships that develop. If an attraction forms, the game is even worse. You simply don't know where to go from there. It doesn't help that theatre in general and especially tours are incredibly hedonistic. Often times it is hard to tell if an attraction is right, or just right now for them. Even if something real exists, what follows is incredibly hard to figure out. A good friend of mine traveled from city to city for a girl he met, seeing her whenever he could. Of course this is an incredible effort that may not pay off, and for that matter may not even be wanted by the other person.

The problem is that on one hand making a big gesture towards love or even friendship can be a great thing. At the same time, determining the worth of that big action is nearly impossible. Gauging whether or not what you do will be well received can certainly drive a man (or woman) insane.

Ultimately, what I say is this: Tours are a recipe for disaster. Though I do have some great friends that I have made over the years from a tour, it is always hard. I cannot think of a worse combination to try and fight through. For the friends that I have, and even the ones that were a bit more, I am grateful, but looking back, it is a wonder that we ever made it where we are. I am all for overcoming odds, but good Lord, this mix is more than anyone should have to deal with.

**Note also that I wrote this while there are no tours in town. I have been dealing with this issue for years, and finally wrote it when I felt it might not implicate any specific person whom I may have fallen head over heels for... and know that they feel the same... *ahem*