Holiday Revelations

The New Year is just over an hour and a half away, and as I was getting ready to go out, I realized something about holidays. Many people seem to love every holiday, while just as many probably wished they never existed. How is it that the same days could have such opposite reactions. And why is it that though I love holidays, I have not felt very positive about them the last few years? My thought is that holidays amplify feelings within us. Often times, the power of these days will bring out things that for the majority of our lived are hidden. The grumpy old man can be warm and loving to his grandchildren, while the perfect mom can scream at people in the store aisles.

These extremes that we see in the holidays are the reason there are such mixed reactions. A hungry family feels all the more out of place during Thanksgiving feasts. The broken heart feels trampled on Valentine's Day. Families come together with warmth and love. Holidays force us to act, or feel as though we have to act in a certain way, and they accentuate aspects of our personalities and our lives. The problem is that sometimes they can do so to the damage of others. The mom I mentioned may be attempting to bring happiness to her family, and her frustration mounts because for whatever reason she feels that she is unable to. When love is in the air, those who are alone feel it all to keenly. When families gather together, those that are broken show so much more. When everyone else is celebrating, how does the man feel who has nothing to celebrate?

I think that on some level, we understand this basic truth about holidays. We know they in many ways amplify things, and sometimes we try and avoid these circumstances. The kid without parents may try and surround himself with his friends. The girl who lost her boyfriend may immerse herself in romantic comedies. Our defenses can be quite effective when they kick in, and I think that maybe knowing what effect that the holidays have on us could help make them more positive, but who knows. This is my first night for the "test." For your information, my amplification was disappointment and loneliness, but I am going out anyway with Brock and Randy and we will see how things go!

Christians and Pagans

Yule has come and gone, and Christmas is right around the corner, and people are enjoying their holidays as befits their beliefs. Unfortunately this year, a lot of negativity has gone up about whether or not you should express your beliefs, so I thought I would take this moment to bring up a great song with smart lyrics. They pretty much speak for themselves:

Amber called her uncle, said "We're up here for the holiday,
Jane and I were having Solstice, now we need a place to stay."
And her Christ-loving uncle watched his wife hang Mary on a tree,
He watched his son hang candy canes all made with red dye number three.
He told his niece, "It's Christmas Eve, I know our life is not your style,"
She said, "Christmas is like Solstice, and we miss you and it's been awhile,"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And just before the meal was served, hands were held and prayers were said,
Sending hope for peace on earth to all their gods and goddesses.

The food was great, the tree plugged in, the meal had gone without a hitch,
Till Timmy turned to Amber and said, "Is it true that you're a witch?"
His mom jumped up and said, "The pies are burning," and she hit the kitchen,
And it was Jane who spoke, she said, "It's true, your cousin's not a Christian,"
"But we love trees, we love the snow, the friends we have, the world we share,
And you find magic from your God, and we find magic everywhere,"

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
And where does magic come from? I think magic's in the learning,
'Cause now when Christians sit with Pagans only pumpkin pies are burning.

When Amber tried to do the dishes, her aunt said, "Really, no, don't bother."
Amber's uncle saw how Amber looked like Tim and like her father.
He thought about his brother, how they hadn't spoken in a year,
He thought he'd call him up and say, "It's Christmas and your daughter's here."
He thought of fathers, sons and brothers, saw his own son tug his sleeve, saying,
"Can I be a Pagan?" Dad said, "We'll discuss it when they leave."

So the Christians and the Pagans sat together at the table,
Finding faith and common ground the best that they were able,
Lighting trees in darkness, learning new ways from the old, and
Making sense of history and drawing warmth out of the cold.

After Birthday Quiz

Well, my birthday was pretty good. Nothing too exciting. I spent the morning with Mark and then went to dinner with some Columbia friends. We are going to go out tomorrow in K.C. since I was out of town. But on to the quiz!

1. Spell your name backward: nevar regeis norabel leinad nerraw drahcir

2. Story behind your name: It was my grandfather's name, and a perfect fit for my personality.

3. When is your birthday: December 18th, 1980

4. Where do you live: Kansas City, MO... technically a suburb, but I try and forget that fact.


DESCRIBE YOUR:

5. Wallet: I use 2- a brown money clip which I carry all the time (it holds my money, IDs and credit cards) and a black bi-fold which holds all those cards I don't always needs. That one mostly stays in the car. Both are the leather that isn't really animals.

6. Eyes: "Soulful" Brown

7. Toothbrush : Blue and white... "and I would put them in the holder, but it hasn't changed its shape yet!" (Props to you if you recognize that).

8. Jewelry worn daily: Variety of watches, a dual band silver ring on my right ring finger, and a threaded silver ring on my left middle finger (sometimes the rings change),  a bracelet that supports one cause or another, and a necklace that always matches what I am wearing.

9. Cell Phone: Blue flip phone.

10. Pillow cover right now: Cream and smooth.

11. Car: '05 Silver Honda Civic Hybrid with grey leather interior. I love it!

12. Bedroom : 3 out of four of the walls are an light tan on the top with a gold/blue/cream faux finish on the bottom separated by thin blue wood trim, and then one wall is dark blue faux looking wallpaper. Tan carpets.

13. Sunglasses: Uhm... dark...

15. Cologne/Perfume: Depends on what I am doing. My best is Abercrombie Fierce.

17. Piercings: None. Used to have one ear.

18. What you are wearing now: Tan sweater, tan washed blue jeans and brown suede shoes.

19. Wishing: That I could apparate.

20. Wanting: To make my employees rich.

21. After this: Lunch on the Plaza, then more work!

22. If you could get away with it and murder anyone who would it be: There is only one person I almost hate that much... but I would rather destroy him and let him live. Killing makes me a bad person, and no one is worth that. This does not of course include close minded politicians who should be taken to an island and left forever.

23. Person you wish you could see right now: The same one I always wish I could see right now.

24. Some of your favorite movies: Dead Poets Society, Moulin Rouge, Playing by Heart. Since its winter: Love Actually, and newest fav: Brokeback Mountain.

25. Something you're looking forward to in the coming week: Christmas and Yule!

26. Something you just ate: Lunch is coming soon! OJ was breakfast. But soon it will be CPK!

27. Something you are deathly afraid of: Falling. It is instinctive. Grrr...

28. Do you like candles: Of course.

29. Do you like incense: Some, but normally candles are better unless you have a good purpose in using incense.

30. Do you like the taste of blood: Random question... but when I suck my cut finger is suppose it wasn't a bad taste.

31. Do you believe in love: Hopeless romantic table of one.

32 Do you believe in love at first sight: Indeed. Too bad not everyone does.

34. Do you believe in Heaven: In one form or another.

35. Do you believe in God: As long as "he" isn't the biblical hypocrite, I think there is probably a higher being.

39. Can you eat with chopsticks: Its the only way I eat Chinese.

40. What's your favorite coin: Quarter. Just the right size for nearly everything, and not worthless like pennies.

41. What are some of your favorite candies: Chocolate! Skittles were a favorite growing up along with Spree, and of course being best friends with Brock means I have a thing for sour gummy things.

43. What's something you wish you could understand better: Some things are better left unsaid.

44. How many people have you kissed: At least one for every year of my life... maybe 2.

47. Are you shy around your crush: No. Shy and I no longer have an acquaintance.

49. Do you know what it feels like to be in love: So much so that I have cried.

50. Would you sacrifice your favorite possession for your best friends: Are they different?

FASHION STUFF:

52. Have any tattoos: Not at the moment. I may eventually get one.

53. What is your favorite thing to wear: Jeans and a sports coat with either an oxford or a t-shirt.

54. How much is the most you've ever spent on a single item of clothing: Uhm.... too much... Maybe my best sports coat which was close to $250

55. Who is the least fashionable person you know: Most of the people outside "the family." Although one of my renters probably takes the cake. Wow.

56. Do you match your belt with your hair color: Not so much. It's the shoes it matches.

57. What is the worst thing you've ever thought would look good: X-Large shirts on me.

58. How many pairs of shoes do you own: Hmmm... 14 I think.

59. What is the worst trend you see today:The "I use the bible to be anti-anything" trend. The red slide scares me.

RANDOM:

60. Do you do drugs : Not illegal ones.

61. What kind of shampoo do you use:Redken AllSoft or Kenneth Cole Reaction

62. What are you listening to right now:My launchcast station.

63. What are essentials in your life: Passion, the sun, friendship, challenge, myself.

64. Whats a break up song you are most likely to listen to while breaking up: When I break up, I normally listen to the good ones that talked about our relationship. If anything, I do listen toLover After Me by Savage Garden.

65. What are you doing for your birthday: Well I just had one, and that was fun. Next year though, I want to do something very different with a lot of the people I care about.

66. What do you want for Christmas: I got one of my biggest wants. My company officers bought be an X-Box 360. Woot! Beyond that, there is a person that would do rather nicely.

Movie Thoughts: Kong and Mountain

This week I saw two new movies, both of which I greatly enjoyed, though in entirely different ways.

King Kong was amazing. I think that Peter Jackson did an amazing job bringing new life into the classic film while keeping true to the story. Some people said that it was "overdone," and maybe that's why I liked it, but I felt that it was just right. The fight scenes were the most realistic I had ever seen. They were very feral, lacking some of the "choreography" that is so often present when animals fight. This was fast and brutal kill or be killed, and I thought that made it highly realistic. Kong also was obviously a veteran of such fights, sporting scars all over his body. I thought that the actress did well (her name currently escapes me) and the facial expressions of Kong along with her skill definitely added a level of emotion to the otherwise action-packed film.

Of course emotion overflowed in Brokeback Mountain.I went to St. Louis to see it as part of a PROMO fundraiser (and because it won't be released in KC until January 6th), and was a bit disappointed in the theatre, but I think the film made up for it. Throughout the movie I struggled some, because I put so much stock into a film's dialogue. What I realized was that this movie was all about what wasn't said. Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger do a phenomenal job, in very challenging roles, and they are well supported by Anne Hathaway and Michelle Williams.

I left the movie feeling down, and somewhat unsatisfied. I was definitely cognizant of the deep sadness that was present, but it wasn't until later, I realized what an impact there was. All night my mind kept drifting back to various parts of the film, reliving the story, and seeing more and more of what was there that I missed while listening to the words that were spoken. During the show, many people around me were crying, and though I often cry at emotional scenes, I didn't feel like I was hit in the same way. Having now attained a deeper sense of what was present in the film, I have a feeling that I will ball like a baby when I watch it again.

I also noticed an age difference in the level of emotion. Older guys that I was with definitely seemed to grasp the subtly a lot faster than a lot of the younger guys. I think part of that came with the fact that many of them lived through situations that were very similar, whereas a lot of the younger generation has not. Oh... I realize that unlike King Kong, many people may not know what this movie is. Well here's the gist. It is a love story that spans 20 years between the two lead men, showing them as they first meet and fall in love (though they deny it) and then follows through with them struggling through the next two decades with their wives and their unspoken need for one another.

As far as love stories go, this one was somewhat of an anomaly, and for more than just the "gay factor." For one, it was not romantic. They both (though one more than the other) felt that what they had was dark and dangerous, and so it was only through violent rents in their self control that they are able to express their feelings, and more often than not, those expressions are never seen by the one they truly love. The tender moments are so few, at first it seems to be a failing in the movie, but by the end, you have learned to treasure those instances all the more.

I am afraid that I will give more away if I talk much more, but suffice to say, I was deeply moved by this film, and I have a feeling it will only affect me more so with repeat viewings. It also reaffirmed my believe and conviction that leaving things unsaid and not pursuing what lies in your heart will destroy you and those you love. What I would give to see a world where that is not so common as it is today.

*Note the Brokeback Mountain website has a forum where people can share their thoughts... I have only read a couple and already I want to cry. Some people endure so much...

Deafening Silence

It has been said that silence can be deafening. I understand how this thought came about. Because silence says nothing, we are forced to fill it with everything. People cannot live without everything having meaning. This stands to reason since there is indeed some reason for everything. Whether something happens because of chance or intent, there is a reason. When something happens that we don't know about or can't understand, we simply can't assign it no meaning whatsoever and move on with our lives.

You can see this basic human need from the earliest of civilizations. The gods of myth were created because we needed a reason for the weather, and other natural occurrences. Our need for that has lessened as we have science to fall back on. Of course the natural world is easy these days. What can still elude us more than anything else is the most mysterious thing on Earth: People. Few people in the world even strive to understand themselves, let alone succeed, so when the need arises to understand someone else, we fall short. We have only two sources of information to add meaning to what someone else does: Our own experiences, and their own words. Often times even when we hear their words, we have to check it to our experiences. But this is still relatively easy to do.

Silence kills us. Without their own reasoning behind it, we have to use our imagination to make up a reason that someone does something. This fills our minds with all kinds of things, and I would venture to say that the majority of them are negative. Our mind becomes filled with possibilities, prophesies of doom, and of course the inevitable doubting (because of course you can't be sure of your own decision when there is nothing to base it off of). Ha! Deafening indeed.

The value of compromise in relationships

One of my friends who has struggled in his relationship for years recently wrote a great entry, which I am sharing with you to contrast my view:

The more I think about it, the more I wonder if the importance of compromise in a relationship is over-emphasized.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it's useless or unimportant, just that maybe it's given too much credit for its ability to make a relationship work.

Occasional compromise is certainly necessary.  No two people in any type of relationship, be they spouses or family or coworkers or friends, will ever see eye-to-eye on everything.  This makes compromise an occasional necessity.  But to hear some people talk about it, you would think compromise is all you need, and can solve every problem in a relationship.

To be sure, there are certain times it comes in handy.  Let's say Jack and Jill are married, and Jack wants "A" in the relationship, while Jill wants "C".  One would think that Jack and Jill should settle somewhere in the neighborhood of "B", meaning that neither person got exactly what they wanted, but neither is totally unsatisfied.  Sounds great, right?  Sure.  But we all know things aren't always that simple.

There are always situations in which a person in the relationship is completely unwilling to budge from their wishes.  There's nothing wrong with this - if Jack's not having "A" would make him completely unhappy, he is justified in standing up for his position.  What do you do in these situations?  The only viable alternative that will keep the relationship functioning is if Jill caves completely and lets Jack have his "A".  So long as Jack is willing to do the same for Jill when she has similarly strong feelings about something she wants, this can work, and ultimately is another form of compromise.

Looking at it another way, let's say that Jill still wants "C", and will be miserable without it.  If Jack loves Jill, shouldn't he want to cave in and let Jill have her "C"?  Maybe.  But contrarily, if Jill loves Jack,  shouldn't she be willing to deny herself "C" to keep Jack happy and their relationship strong?  After all, one of the commonly-cited definitions of love is a strong enough desire to see the other person happy that you are willing to deny yourself something to make the other happy.  So, should Jack be willing to cave and let Jill have "C"?  Should Jill give up her desire for "C" to make Jack happy?  Both?  Neither?  Somewhere in between?  Hell if I know.

I don't know how much of the above makes sense, but it's meant to point out my uncertainty on just how helpful we should expect a willingness to compromise in our relationships will be.  It seems to me, on the surface, that a healthy, wide-ranging area of common ground might prove more beneficial, while reserving compromise for the fringes of disagreement.  It's not healthy or even very nice for us to be stubborn and totally resistant to finding the middle ground, but it's equally if not more unhealthy to make ourselves miserable by constantly sacrificing our own desires for the "good of the relationship".

So as I have mentioned in different ways in the past, I have struggled with this. What is the level of compromise in a relationship? Should I forgo clubbing (one of my favorite activities) if my boyfriend doesn't like it? Should I do something that I abhor just to make him happy?

I have recently come to the conclusion that you should never do something that doesn't feel right, even if someone else wants you to. I know that many will say that this is bad advice, but in my experience, the best relationships are those in which there needs no compromise. I am idealistic, but I believe that the right relationship doesn't have compromise. This doesn't mean that you don't change, or "give in" in certain circumstances, it just means that you don't go against who you are while you are doing so.

Let me give you an example. I am interested in someone, and they tell me what they do. Chances are, I would have not had any previous interest in their line of work. I have 2 possible feelings at this point: Become interested, or not. If I don't become interested, I shouldn't force myself too. By doing so, I undermine my happiness and build our relationship on something false. I am a creative businessman. Science holds little for me. But say for example I were with a... geneticist... I might have an interest created for me that never existed before. With that created we can share in his life's work mutually and honestly.

So when and where do I feel that compromise works? Only when it is a creative solution that honestly makes both parties happy. If I want blue walls, and he wants red, purple won't really make either one of us happy, and thus is not the answer. That is a bad compromise. If we look at it and realize that we both would really like green walls, then suddenly we have a real and effective compromise.

I never think that one person's happiness means denying another's and in a relationship this is even more important. Use compromises only if it is true happiness that you get. "Give in" to them only if it really makes you happier than what you thought you wanted. That is, in my opinion, the only way to succeed and truly be happy.

Quizzically Seeing Me

I have never done this before, but several of my friends love to include these traditionally e-mail quizzes on their sites. I thought this was the most unique one I had ever seen, so I thought I would give it a try.

1. FIRST NAME: Richard

2. WHAT IS THE MOST PHYSICAL PAIN YOU HAVE EVER BEEN IN? One would think that it was when I was in my near death car accident, I would think it was actually when I had my wisdom teeth out. The accident seemed to have its pain blocked somehow.

3. DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE GUM WITH YOU? Most of the time. Not enough restaurants have mints for after meals.

4.WHAT KIND OF MOUTHWASH DO YOU PREFER? The green ones. Haha. I like Listerine, but sometimes it is a bit much.. 

5.ARE YOU GAY, STRAIGHT, OR BI? Come now, have you seen how I dress? Only boys for me thank you very much.

6.DO YOU THINK YOU ARE A GOOD KISSER? Why yes, yes I am.

7.WOULD YOU SEVER YOUR OWN PINKY FINGER WITH A KNIFE FOR 10 MILLION DOLLARS? I like my fingers, and I think in my lifetime, the use of my pinky will net far more than 10million so, I would have to say no.

8.DO YOU THINK MIDGETS ARE CREEPY? I dated Ben for five months, midgets have a special place in my heart.

9.DO YOU BELIEVE IN A HIGHER BEING? I do, not that he (or she) would believe in the majority of the insanity that is done in his or her name.

10.IF YOU ARE A SMOKER, WHAT IS YOUR BRAND? *Cough* *Cough* I prefer to have a long, happy life where I can use my voice the way I want and not smell worse than garbage.

11.WHAT IS YOUR DRUG OF CHOICE? Midol. It is by far the best headache medicine in the world. Of course, that would even fall short of caffeine and chocolate. Mmmm.. 

12.BIG TRUCKS, LUXURY CARS, MOTORCYCLES, OR FAST CARS? Luxury please. They can be fast too. No trucks for me. I like the air I breathe.

13.WHAT KIND OF SUNGLASSES DO YOU WEAR? Cheap ones! I know, that is surprising if you know me at all, but I find that I cannot keep ahold of a pair for very long, so cheap ones are perfect. Besides, it takes a while, but if you look, you can find great ones.

14.DOES YOUR LOCAL WATER TASTE GOOD? You mean Ethos? It tastes great!

15.WHAT KIND OF PC DO YOU HAVE? Laptops are more my flavor, and I love my beautiful Vaio S- Series with more power than it was ever meant to have. Woot!

16.HOW OFTEN DO YOU POOP? ... did Ben write this quiz? I have no idea. Enough I suppose seeing as I am still alive.

17.WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU GOT DRUNK? By most people's definition, never. If you count pretty close, I would say about a year ago.

18.IF YOU HIT A 50 MILLION LOTTO, WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU WOULD BUY? A new corporate office in downtown KC with a condo on the top that's all for me!

19.DO YOU EVER GAMBLE? I do sometimes. That whole luckiest sign in the zodiac has to be abused every once in a while.

20.IF YOU COULD LIVE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? Boston, for half the year at least. San Diego might be able to take up the rest of my year. I like snow, but New England is a bit extreme in the winter.

21.YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER? Haha!  Interesting. I wonder if anyone actually does that one. With my bus and all, I have several, none of which leave my side.

22.HAVE YOU EVER HAD A FLAT TIRE? Of course. And unlike many of my "family" I can change it just fine thank you very much!

23.ON A SCALE OF 1-10, HOW HAIRY ARE YOU? Hmm. Probably a 3 or 4.

24.DO YOU LIKE PRESIDENT BUSH? I like to make fun of him because he can't seem to speak. I like to hate him because he uses religion in opposition to its intent, to destroy people.

25.ARE YOU HUNGRY RIGHT NOW? Starving! But Bravo (a great Italian place) is coming up as soon as I finish with this!

26.WHAT IS/WAS YOUR FAVORITE SCHOOL LUNCH? Chicken nuggets or pizza.

27.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BREAKFAST FOOD? Eggs Benedict or biscuits and gravy.

28.WHAT IS THE OLDEST ITEM IN YOUR HOUSE? The house elf.

29.HOW MANY CD'S DO YOU HAVE? Probably close to 200.

30.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN SO DRUNK YOU WET THE BED? Not even close.

31.IF YOU COULD HAVE SEX WITH ANY ONE PERSON, WHO WOULD IT BE? Hmmm. Again, defenitions are required. If we mean actual sex, I can currently only think of one person... But if it's "sexual relations" There is no one I want that I haven't had... except maybe Shawn Ashmore or Hayden Christiansan 

32.HAVE YOU EVER UNDERGONE SURGERY? I got stitches when my dad ran us into an embankment, and my wisdom teeth have come out.

34.WHEN YOU STUB YOUR TOE OR BUMP YOUR HEAD, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY SAY? OWWW!!!!

35.DO YOU ENJOY MAKING PEOPLE FEEL STUPID? No... but I seem to come across as someone who likes to. I really don't mean to, but I am not very good at blunting my criticism.

36.WHO IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PERSON AT WORK/SCHOOL? I am the boss, I have to like all my employees.

37.WHAT BRAND IS YOUR CELL PHONE? Right now Sprint Sanyo, but normally and soon will be Sprint Samsung.

38.HAVE YOU EVER CAUGHT ANYONE MASTURBATING? Caught only counts if they don't want me to see, right? In that case, I don't think so.

39.WHEN IS THE LAST TIME YOU PUKED? About a year ago.

40.HOW OLD ARE YOU? 24... for a few more days... then the big quarter of a century...

41.WOULD YOU RATHER SKY DIVE OR BUNGEE JUMP? I prefer to defy gravity in a less literal sense. Actually, I guess I prefer to defy it rather than embrace it head-on.

42.HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ARRESTED? Not by any actual authority.

43.HOW OFTEN DO YOU SHAVE? Every day unfortunately... I only skip occasionally.

44.DO YOU THINK THE MIDGET QUESTION (8.) WAS OVER THE LINE? Almost, but hey, ask what you will.

45.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE BEER? Beer bad. Cider good... fruity drinks (O3, Smirnoff Ice, etc.) good...

46.ARE YOU RACIST? That would be rather hypocritical of me wouldn't it?

47.DO YOU THINK FARTS ARE FUNNY? Dear God no!

48.LIBERRAL, CONSERVATIVE, OR NEITHER? Bleeding heart here I am. I like to think of it as Progressive.

49.WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PART OF YOUR BODY? If you don't count my brain or my heart, which I think are cheesy answers, I like my eyes. With them I can say an infinite amount with a single look, and I think they show a great deal of my soul.

50.ARE YOU STILL THINKING ABOUT THE MIDGET QUESTION? What is it with the midgets. NO!
51.IF AN ENTIRE STATE IN AMERICA WERE TO VANISH, WHICH DO YOU THINK WOULD NOT LIKELY BE MISSED? North Dakota. Is there even anything there?

52.HAVE YOU EVER FLUSHED A DECEASED PET DOWN THE TOILET? That wouldn't be very nice. No. No. No.

53.WHO ARE BETTER DRIVERS, MEN OR WOMEN? Oooo now I get to be sexist? Oh wait, not so much. So long as they aren't from Kansas, I find that both can drive with equal skill... unless of course I am on the highway when it is still equal, in so far as it doesn't exist.

54.ARE YOU SEXIST? Wow. That was convenient. See above question.

55.WHAT DO YOU THINK THE DUMBEST SPORT IS? I can only chose one? Golf and football. Their popularity is ridiculous. One hurts people and one was created so people with no skill at other sports could pretend to be good at sports.

56.DO YOU FORWARD CHAIN EMAILS THAT CLAIM TO BE GOOD/BAD LUCK? No. People have enough trouble dealing with luck without throwing in ridiculous things like that.

57.WHAT ARE YOU THINKING THIS VERY SECOND? My friend who wrote this, put in his fiancee... which made me think of someone else. Though in actuality I think about him on and off all day, so it makes sense that we would come back... Oh, if you don't know who he is, you will have to wait. I am not letting this one out of the bag just yet.

58.DO YOU SLOW DOWN AT CAR ACCIDENTS ATTEMPTING TO CATCH A GLIMPSE? No. In fact if I could I would control other people's cars so they couldn't do that either! Traffic what?

59.HAVE YOU EVER HAD JURY DUTY? Indeed. I normally get mad at the lawyers for doing a bad job.

60.WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT "FUCK BUDDIES"? I don't do "sex" in the biblical sense with anyone as of yet, but again, sexual relations have led to some "friends with benefits" from time to time. :)

Couldn't be Happier

I just came back from St. Louis where I saw Wicked. It was as amazing as the reviews have said, if not more so, and I was very pleased with the casting. Ben and Jesse went with me... and so did Mark. It was a great time, and Mark made me feel really good. I don't know what that will mean for the future, but it was really nice being there with him.

One of the themes in the musical that I really like is apparent in the song "Thank Goodness." Glinda is singing about how happy she thinks she is on her engagement day. 

"That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
Well - not "simply":
'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still - 
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who 
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens
When your dreams come true!"

It is so easy for us sometimes to convince ourselves of the road that we are on, the bridges that we cross, in order to reach some mythical dream. We seem willing to put up with almost anything to get there. This is why people are so willing to work at jobs that they hate. Don't get me wrong, dreams are good, but I don't think that they are what we can live for.

I think that dreams should guide us, but we have to be happy with the road we are on. It isn't worth sacrificing our happiness, or the people in our lives for something in the future, because as this song so eloquently illustrates, we can find that our final destination (assuming we reach it) is a far cry from what actually makes us happy.

Bottom line: Enjoy every moment of your life that is possible.

Fire and Ice

When you are near, the sun's light shines,
your absence clouds the brightest day.

Your touch warms the coldest nights,
your smile, the coldest hearts.

The blazing fire you represent
is all more noticed when it's gone.

When your blaze turns away,
even a summer breeze seems cold.

Though I live my life by fire,
you can make my heart ice.

Winter's chill has come,
by your own design.

Two flames make twice the light,
separate, they quickly burn out.

Will you see that I am your fire,
before mine goes out?

Thankful for

So now that Thanksgiving is over, I thought I would write about what I have been thinking about. At Randy's dinner, he has a tradition of making everyone go around and say what they are thankful for. It was actually something that I thought was really cool, even though some thought it silly. I was the first to go, and on the spot, I said I was thankful for my friends, most specifically my best friend, and those who would stick beside me no matter what.

One girl said that she was thankful for music. Another was thankful for colors. I was completely taken aback by these. They were so interesting. I thought about how fantastic life was because of things like music and colors, and wonder if there could truly be any humanity without them. Of course, there are people who are forced to live without either of these things, and I consider that a travesty. I watched Latter Days again today, and though the movie can always make me cry, when I watch the music videos, I cry even harder. Music simply can move my soul.

I have known this for a long time. Boys who can sing stir my soul with hardly an effort, and though I consider myself a movie man over music, I think that the songs are an integral part of a film, and am always moved by an impressive soundtrack.

So given a day of reflection, what am I thankful for? I am still thankful for my friends. They are one of the few things in my life that I feel are a real gift to me. Though I can work hard to earn a friendship, I cannot make one. I can simply give the gift of friendship and pray for it in return.

I am thankful that I am me. Over the last several years, I have done a lot of searching, and self discovery, and I have learned that I love me. I love even my faults. I am glad that I was created the way I am, and wouldn't give up any part of me.

I am thankful for beauty and love. I cannot imagine life without these things. I believe that no matter who you are, you deserve beauty and love. For each person these things look different, but everyone knows what they mean. In every culture known to man, we have always had these two things, and I believe that we always will. Whatever force or being created these two things deserves my thanks.

Alright. That's it. I could think of many more things, but listing them would bore both you and me, and really, they would diminish what I consider those that are most important. I hope that all had a great holiday, and that the rest of the season brings happiness.

No day but today

I am not able to sleep, because my emotions are still in overdrive. Tonight, Randy had his International Thanksgiving Dinner, which was fun, but I will speak more to later. After the dinner, most of us went to see the movie Rent. I loved the musical, and was excited to see it made into a movie, but was completely unprepared for the impact it would have.

To me, the best movies are the ones that can make you laugh and cry, and I was laughing so hard that my side hurt, and later was continually crying my eyes out. Rarely can I say that there was hardly a dry eye in the theatre, but it was certainly true in this case. The majority of people were sniffling throughout a great portion of it, and many came out of the movie with eyes reddened from their tears. It was that powerful.

One of the things that I realize was that the movie had me crying as much in happiness as it did in sadness. Scenes in the movie uplifted my spirits as much as other depressed me. The simple message of the movie of living life to its utmost is something that I believe wholeheartedly in, and yet I cannot think of any other film that has portrayed it so well.

One other interesting point of note is how much it made me want that person whom I will spend the rest of my life with. Though I do not know when I will find them (or if I already have) it reminded me of my intense desire to share my life with someone. Strangely, many points in the movie conjured images of someone I know who is very dear to me. I am not sure exactly what that means, but I do know that there are circumstances in my life that I have been delicate with for far too long. Brock pointed out to me that that is not who I am. I am aggressive and determined, and holding back can't truly lead to anything that will make me ultimately happy. He reminded me of Chris, who I held back not an ounce with. Though we aren't together, we were very happy and to this day, he and I are close friends. I guess it is rather hypocritical of me to believe that I should be myself, and then knowingly go against that very nature.

Moral of the story: We only rent the life that we have. We might as well make the most of what is there, and get off the bench and see what happens. Bad things can happen, but indecision only leaves you cold and empty. "No day but today."

"There's Only Now
There's Only Here
Give In To Love
Or Live In Fear
No Other Path
No Other Way
No Day But Today"

Change a Mind... Save a Life

I bought a CD (Utopia) last time I was in DC, and this is what it contained in the cover. I think it speaks for itself:


Letter to the Editor:


"As the mother of a gay son, I've seen firsthand how cruel and misguided people can be.

Many letters have been sent to the Valley News concerning the homosexual menace in Vermont. I am the mother of a gay son and I've taken enough from you good people.

I'm tired of your foolish rhetoric about the "homosexual agenda" and your allegations that accepting homosexuality is the same thing as advocating sex with children. You are cruel and ignorant. You have been robbing me of the joys of motherhood ever since my children were tiny.

My firstborn son started suffering at the hands of the moral little thugs from your moral, upright families from the time he was in the first grade. He was physically and verbally abused from first grade straight through high school because he was perceived to be gay.

He never professed to be gay or had any association with anything gay, but he had the misfortune not to walk or have gestures like the other boys. He was called "fag" incessantly, starting when he was 6.

In high school, while your children were doing what kids that age should be doing, mine labored over a suicide note, drafting and redrafting it to be sure his family knew how much he loved them. My sobbing 17-year-old tore the heart out of me as he choked out that he just couldn't bear to continue living any longer, that he didn't want to be gay and that he couldn't face a life with no dignity.

You have the audacity to talk about protecting families and children from the homosexual menace, while you yourselves tear apart families and drive children to despair. I don't know why my son is gay, but I do know that God didn't put him, and millions like him, on this Earth to give you someone to abuse. God gave you brains so that you could think, and it's about time you started doing that.

No choice
At the core of all your misguided beliefs is the belief that this could never happen to you, that there is some kind of subculture out there that people have chosen to join. The fact is that if it can happen to my family, it can happen to yours, and you won't get to choose. Whether it is genetic or whether something occurs during a critical time of fetal development, I don't know. I can only tell you with an absolute certainty that it is inborn.

If you want to tout your own morality, you'd best come up with something more substantive than your heterosexuality. You did nothing to earn it; it was given to you. If you disagree, I would be interested in hearing your story, because my own heterosexuality was a blessing I received with no effort whatsoever on my part. It is so woven into the very soul of me that nothing could ever change it.

For those of you who reduce sexual orientation to a simple choice, a character issue, a bad habit or something that can be changed by a 10-step program, I'm puzzled. Are you saying that your own sexual orientation is nothing more than something you have chosen, that you could change it at will?

If that's not the case, then why would you suggest that someone else can?

A popular theme in your letters is that Vermont has been infiltrated by outsiders. Both sides of my family have lived in Vermont for generations. I am heart and soul a Vermonter, so I'll thank you to stop saying that you are speaking for "true Vermonters."

Principles?
You invoke the memory of the brave people who have fought on the battlefield for this great country, saying that they didn't give their lives so that the "homosexual agenda" could tear down the principles they died defending.

My 83-year-old father fought in some of the most horrific battles of World War II, was wounded and awarded the Purple Heart. He shakes his head in sadness at the life his grandson has had to live. He says he fought alongside homosexuals in those battles, that they did their part and bothered no one. One of his best friends in the service was gay, and he never knew it until the end, and when he did find out, it mattered not at all. That wasn't the measure of the man.

You religious folk just can't bear the thought that as my son emerges from the hell that was his childhood he might like to find a lifelong companion and have a measure of happiness. It offends your sensibilities that he should request the right to visit that companion in the hospital, to make medical decisions for him or to benefit from tax laws governing inheritance.

How dare he? you say. These outrageous requests would threaten the very existence of your family, would undermine the sanctity of marriage.

You use religion to abdicate your responsibility to be thinking human beings. There are vast numbers of religious people who find your attitudes repugnant. God is not for the privileged majority, and God knows my son has committed no sin.

The deep-thinking author of a letter to the April 12 Valley News who lectures about homosexual sin and tells us about "those of us who have been blessed with the benefits of a religious upbringing" asks: "What ever happened to the idea of striving . . . to be better human beings than we are?"

Indeed, sir, what ever happened to that?" --Sharon Underwood

Goblet of Fire

I just wanted to take a quick moment to say that the new Harry Potter, Goblet of Fire is absolutely amazing. Though they had to cram an immense amount into a small amount of time, I think they did it very well, and on top of that, it made me cry. Amazing. If you like fantasy at all, go see it!