It is interesting to me how the darker it is, the more difference that a small amount of light can make. This is obviously true literally, but possibly even more so figuratively. When things are going bad in someone's life, a small change to the better, can seem so much more significant. Especially when that light comes from a person. When I am having a bad day, or even more when I am on a downward spiral with life's frustrations, some people have the power to make all the difference.
As I am sure that you know, I am a pretty buoyant person. Day-to-day, I am pretty much "up." The problem is, that since I also think a great deal, when something goes seriously wrong, if I don't immediately pull myself up, it is really easy to think my way to the abyss of my soul. When looking on a problem that deeply effects me, it normally resembles or even has sources in other areas of my life. When thinking about one too much, it leads me to think of others, and since I am constantly putting problems in the back of my mind, it is almost like karma gets me back by making all of them come up with brutal intensity. Sometimes it overwhelms me for a night, while others it comes and goes for quite a while, despite my intentions to overcome my own thoughts.
It probably goes without saying that most people don't want to be around during these times in my life, and when they are, they certainly want to divert the subject from anything that might be bothering me. I think I have mentioned once before, but there are times when it would be nice for people to actually listen and care, and recently I had one of those nights. This time, for possibly the first time ever, things were different. When I was asked, I realized that I was slightly in disbelief, and although I desperately wanted to talk, I was nervous about talking about bad things. I am not sure exactly why, but it was certainly there.
When he pushed and prodded, I resisted without even knowing why, and yet instead of being happy to be given an easy way out, he worked even harder to get to the bottom of what was bothering me so much. When I finally started talking, it was like a great damn had broken, and my very essence was rushing forth. There was a lot that I still held back, I think because no matter how blindly optimistic I am, it is still hard to trust people, but what I said was met with enthusiasm and interest. He challenged me to look at things differently. He didn't offer false hopes, or even solutions, but he engaged me, showing me that in that moment, we were sharing my problem. It was one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever experienced.
That night didn't really solve my problems, but I felt better nonetheless. In addition to that, I started to look around, and take in the small things that I have always enjoyed even more. The smiles from random people as well as ones that I care about. The contact between one person and another. The joy of trying something new. Small things all, but to me so very valuable. I have always cared about the small things, but for some reason, as bad as things were, they seemed all the more apparent, and all the more important. I hope that I give the people in my life some of the same feelings as I felt when I was in my dark little hole. Whether simply with a smile, or a good ear, I hope that I a make a difference. I know that I have said similar things before, but for one, I feel it is really important, and two, its what was on my mind, so that's what I wrote about. Hope you still enjoyed.
Sunday, November 14, 2004
Wednesday, November 10, 2004
Election Recovery
Okay, I know that it took me a week to make any sort of response after what happened last week, but trust me, no one would have liked what I had to say during most of that time, and I try not to make it so that I rant too much. It's always hard to lose, and even harder to have the people you put your faith into not see it through when the going gets tough.
The week overall has been pretty good. I avoided human contact for most of Wednesday, but recovered fairly quickly after that. I cringed as I read the papers that revealed the new agenda of the Presidency, although nothing was too surprising. Luckily for me, West Wing Season 3 came out, so I did a little consoling by watching some of those episodes. They really motivate me, which is what I needed. After all that I had put into the elections, and so few of them going my way, I was feeling rather dispirited. But, now I am up to fight another day, which will make some of you cheer, and some of you cry, but hey, that's life.
I did do something rather unusual for me the other day. On Saturday, I went with Chris to Brian Busby's house where he and a bunch of his friends were playing poker. Although I have played the game from time to time, it is certainly not something that regularly comes up, and certainly not with that kind of formality, and I found it quite refreshing. One of my favorite things to do change things up so that there is no routine in my life, and yet the world tries its best to curb this kind of instability, so it is nice when something comes along that breaks up the monotony. Chris and I did fairly well, especially considering the fact that I never play the game, and we made a small return on what we put up.
Other than that, I have been spending a lot of time working on my final paper for my MU class, which is rather intensive, and requiring way too much of my time, but it will be good to have it done so that I can focus on consolidating my residences to Kansas City. That is something I am looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to living full time in KC for a while, but of course I am not thrilled about the action of moving half of my stuff across the state. Oh well, I think it will be worth it.
Well, I don't want to ramble on much more, and I really don't want to get onto something too deep, I just wanted to put something up for those of you who follow my life. I suppose that I will let you go. I will probably get back to saying something important to me in a day or so, so as always, check back often or simply subscribe and save yourself the task. Till then /wave!
The week overall has been pretty good. I avoided human contact for most of Wednesday, but recovered fairly quickly after that. I cringed as I read the papers that revealed the new agenda of the Presidency, although nothing was too surprising. Luckily for me, West Wing Season 3 came out, so I did a little consoling by watching some of those episodes. They really motivate me, which is what I needed. After all that I had put into the elections, and so few of them going my way, I was feeling rather dispirited. But, now I am up to fight another day, which will make some of you cheer, and some of you cry, but hey, that's life.
I did do something rather unusual for me the other day. On Saturday, I went with Chris to Brian Busby's house where he and a bunch of his friends were playing poker. Although I have played the game from time to time, it is certainly not something that regularly comes up, and certainly not with that kind of formality, and I found it quite refreshing. One of my favorite things to do change things up so that there is no routine in my life, and yet the world tries its best to curb this kind of instability, so it is nice when something comes along that breaks up the monotony. Chris and I did fairly well, especially considering the fact that I never play the game, and we made a small return on what we put up.
Other than that, I have been spending a lot of time working on my final paper for my MU class, which is rather intensive, and requiring way too much of my time, but it will be good to have it done so that I can focus on consolidating my residences to Kansas City. That is something I am looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to living full time in KC for a while, but of course I am not thrilled about the action of moving half of my stuff across the state. Oh well, I think it will be worth it.
Well, I don't want to ramble on much more, and I really don't want to get onto something too deep, I just wanted to put something up for those of you who follow my life. I suppose that I will let you go. I will probably get back to saying something important to me in a day or so, so as always, check back often or simply subscribe and save yourself the task. Till then /wave!
Wednesday, November 3, 2004
Election Fiasco
I am going to add links to stories, or put clips about the election fiasco here:
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/
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