Too much from too long

Yes, yes, I know a month is far too long not to have written something, and frankly I have had a lot to say, but for some reason it never made it to the "paper" so to speak.

First, let's get it out of the way. Last night was insane. I have finally connected with the HRC people in New York, realizing that I knew a great many of them from my years going to all the national stuff, which was nice. As my first real event, I attended the town hall that was held to talk about ENDA (the Employment Non-Discrimination Act). For those of you who haven't heard, the entire gay community seems to be up in arms at HRC for supporting a bill that provides coverage for the LGB community, but leaves out the T. In brief, let me say that HRC had little choice in the matter if they wanted to keep the relationship they have with the congress, and if they wanted to move towards full equality for all. In their mind, taking steps is the best and fastest strategy, and I agree.

Anyway, the town hall was held to help us disseminate information to the community at large, and try and answer any questions that they may have had. What it became instead was a pulpit-style bloodbath.

Most of the people that attended the event had no interest in a town hall to get information. They didn't ask questions, they attacked the panel with a barrage of rants. For the record, I don't call them rants because they were disagreements; I call them rants because they were mostly illogical, repetitive strings of words that accomplished nothing. I especially hated people that tried to use history on their side when clearly they didn't know what they were talking about, as out nation has time and time again proven that baby steps often net the most results in the end. I hope that some of those people left feeling better for having got some of their anger off their chests, because no one really left that room with more information on either side. I do want to commend the few people that were thoughtful and intelligent. They certainly weren't on our side, but they seemed generally interested in getting information so that their opinion was based in fact and not assumption. More than half of these thoughtful people were obviously students, which may say something. More and more I realize that age has very little to do with rationality or maturity.

Alright, enough of that. Last time I wrote, I mentioned that I finally made the move to New York. I am loving it. I have had some significant money issues, though that springs not from the move itself, but rather the general job market at the end of the year. The jobs that I was planning on taking are holding off till the beginning of the year, so for now things have been a bit tight. I am actually better off having moved, as my bills have surprisingly decreased a great deal being here. The only other effect that the money thing has had on me is that as of yet I still haven't really been able to delve into the social scene the way I would like to. Even my friends are sometimes hard to hang out with as most often we would go out to a bar or to eat, something I am doing a lot less of at the moment. Despite the fact that this one aspect of life here is still temporarily closed to me, I am so happy to be here. I wonder sometimes if I waited for too long to make this change.

One final thing that I want to mention was a new experience for me. For the first time in my life, I felt nostalgic. I was doing some scholarship work at Columbia University, and the moment that I was there, I felt strange. Not strange in a bad way by any means, but strange in the fact that the feeling was new. I realized after a while what it was, and was somewhat surprised that I had never experienced nostalgia before. Being at the school reminded me so much of Harvard I can't even explain it. Being there surrounded by beautiful old buildings dedicated to education while people walked swiftly from place to place seemingly overwhelmed with a drive to learn was something I missed without even realizing it. It has been over eight years now since I left Harvard, and I tell you I didn't realize till then how much I miss it. Even working at a university like that makes me feel good in ways that are still beyond my understanding.

New experiences are always a good thing in my book to have this one be such a good one, and at the same time for it to allow me to experience first hand something I hear about a lot but until now have never truly understood is a great thing.

Thoughts from Saying Goodbye

So today was the day that I made my "official" move to New York. Having been gone most of the last two weeks getting things settled, this weekend was really the time where I was able to tell my friends and family what was going on, and try and spend time with them before I left. In some ways, I don't feel like the move is that dramatic, seeing as I am keeping my place in Kansas City, am "moving" with the clothes and electronics that fit in some suitcases, and will be back in three weeks for Thanksgiving.

I was a little surprised at how little I felt like I needed when I moved. Granted, some things, like my books or DVDs I wouldn't get rid of, but so much stuff simply didn't seem necessary. Maybe I should look at my possessions like that more often and see how much I keep. But on with the philosophizing.

Since this all worked out so suddenly, there wasn't a lot of time to prepare, or to tell anyone what was going on. When the possibility that this would happen came up, I didn't really want to spread the word that I might be moving. Much better in my mind to wait until I had some things solidified. The bad part of this plan, is that the people I know pretty much got a week's notice I was leaving, and of that time, I was only free for a few days to see them.

A few things were exasperating. First was the calls I got from people insisting that I visit them. Granted, some of these people are ones that I would have given a great deal to see, but seriously when you have 48 hours to fit everyone in, driving for hours on end doesn't really fit well into the equation. I was hoping that some people would have tried harder to make it work. Lastly, and perhaps the most interesting thing that I noticed was the guys.

Since I have started dating, there have been a few guys that really made an impact on me, but never actually went anywhere. The reasons range everywhere to prior commitments, to distance, poor timing, whatever. The point is that at some point no matter how much you like someone or care about them, when it isn't working out, you have to move on. Since my "announcement" some of these guys, in fact a large portion of this category, have called me and talked to me all bewildered. One of them even said to me, "I just always took for granted that you would be there." Like I was the guy that when they finally figured out what was going on would be sitting there waiting for them. While the reactions were varied, from wanting to sleep with me before I left, to avoidance to outright depression, the thing that seemed to ring so true to me is that this was a bit ridiculous. I mean there are two or three of these guys that at one point in my life would have given up a great deal to be with. I am fairly certain this was apparent. To see this backlash, calls from one in I haven't even talked to in months, strange conversations, all kind of threw me.

I am not sure what it was that made them feel this way, but I have to say it is probably close to the same with all of them. Perhaps it is something as simple as me seeming to be dependable, giving them the idea that they could always rely on me to be there, or maybe I make myself too available. I mean when you wear your heart on your sleeve, I know that I give up a great deal of control. Perhaps this is even more than I had imagined. Somehow I am making it to that the depth of my feelings gives the illusion that I am there at their pleasure. I am pretty sure I need to make sure that in the future, I make sure people know that no matter how much I care about them, I have to take care of me.

But on with the happier aspects. Halloween was a great night, but I focused as little as possible on what was coming up and just had a good time with my friends particularly Justin who was an awesome friend to "date" for the evening.

I really started out with a going away party at Bar Natasha, of course. I invited nearly everyone that I knew in the city, which is a hard thing to do when you know so many people and have very little notice, but still, I figured it was important enough that people would attend. I was surprised three times with that party. First, most of my family came. That was impressive. Secondly, there were very few people by comparison to what I expected. Finally, perhaps the most surprising was the quality of time I had with the people that were there. I realized that most of my closest friends had worked it out, and seeing them together and having a good time when really the only thing they had in common was me, is really a great thing. There was a particular appearance that really made my night, and I think that a lot of things that have been floating around in my life were kind of brought to a better place. Of course it came as no surprise that only half the people were there at any one time, and that some of my friends came at the last minute and decided to drag me all around for the rest of the night.

The next night was something I was marginally dreading. I had our HRC Comedy Night, and though I was excited about the event, I was not looking forward to explaining to everyone that I was leaving. Given my leadership position in the organization, it is going to be an interesting transition, especially when there is no time to really plan. The overwhelming response, however, made me feel as though my fear was a bit ridiculous. Every single person I talked to was very excited for me and thought that what IW as doing was great. There was no concern for how we would work things out, or anything of the sort. Only my friends supporting me in something that was great for me.

The rest of the weekend was up and down. Some things were harder than others. Rae made people cry when she sang Ordinary Boy for me at Bar Natasha, Cody's reactions have been surprisingly mature and heartfelt, and a few of my friends surprised me with what they thought. I will miss people a lot.

I am completely happy with my decision, and have no regrets. In fact I think that the people I am going to miss actually make it feel more worthwhile to leave a place. I am at the perfect time in my life to make this change, and it is something that has been a long time coming. I am not going to look back, but it is nice to know that I have left a footprint behind me.

New thoughts from unique events

What a week! Normally, I don't use blogs to describe many specific things that happen in my life, but this week was so full of new experiences it is hard to differentiate the events from the thought-provoking philosophies that they bring out in me.

I did two things I had never done before, and like most first times, they made a significant impact on me.

The first was judging for an event that I have been wanting to do and building up to for a long time. HRC in Kansas City has an annual comedy night, and we always bring in great national talent. Last year we added a great local emcee, but I thought if this were a normal show, we would have an opener. Given the amount of talent we have in the city, why not give someone local the chance to shine? The result? This year we held our first ever Comic Call, a competition to find this talented person. As I was in charge of the event, there were some unique struggles, but the big kicker was the fact that I was one of the three judges. To make it more interesting, we did it in an American Idol/Project Runway style where the judges made witty and sometimes scathing remarks. New territory for me for sure.

All in all, the competition went very well, and I think I held my own (particularly hard when grouped with a brilliant drag queen and a spunky journalist). It was interesting to see the reactions though. Some of my HRC friends were surprised I could be so "mean" while others said that I held back far too much. I guess it isn't surprising that I would accomplish both in the same competition. I will say that I have newfound respect for reality TV and live judges. It certainly was a lot harder than I had imagined. That said, I really enjoyed myself. I have always liked to have just some of the spotlight, and something like this allowed me to break out of my mold (as fluid as it may be) and do something I think I would have fun doing more often. Not a bad combination.

Last night held another first: attending a gay wedding. Let me tell you that there is nothing quite so interesting as seeing one of the most traditional events known to man recreated when you are by many definitions, defying tradition. Mixing the tried and true with an entirely new twist provides a lot of potential for amazing creations. Last night's wedding was even more unique because John and Ron may be the most creative people that I have ever met. Somehow they were able to take a Victorian Goth theme, bring together artists, actors, producers, bankers, and lawyers throw them all together and create something that was truly beautiful.

My friend Rae at some point in the evening said to me that she thought it was so beautiful because it was all about love. The ceremony and circumstance that can occasionally stand between the wedding and the reason behind it were completely meshed with exactly why we were all there. Friends and family came together, and both grooms shared their happiness with all of us. In a word, it was extraordinary. I have been to lots of weddings in my life, but none moved me so much as this one. (I can't really compare it to my brother's wedding, seeing as my familial bonds and involvement give it an entirely different feel. I love you Kellie!)

Looking back, it is hard to know where the change started. Ron and John certainly had a hand in it, but I think also that so much of the world still says that what we experienced last night is wrong, and shouldn't be done. Even those who "like" gay people still seem to hold out when it comes to marriage. Maybe when you have to work so hard to prove that you deserve what you want it forces you to make the most of it, when others take it for granted. Many weddings I go to make me feel like an outsider who is looking at people sharing in something that I shouldn't have. Last night, all I felt is that this is exactly what I want in my life and what I will have. The love that my two friends share with each other and with the rest of us is truly one of the most beautiful things on the planet. I think the priest last night may have said it best. "Looking at you, I know God blesses this union." Let those who think otherwise be damned. No matter what you believe in, God, gods, fate, or chance, you can't deny that something so wonderful isn't exactly the way it was intended to be.