Extroverted Loners?

Not long ago, an observation was made of me that I was a loner. Talking to some of my closest friends about this, they immediately scoffed. In some ways. so did I. I'm a hardcore extrovert. I draw my energy from people. How could I possibly be a loner?

Wikipedia certainly validated my thoughts by describing being a loner as:

A loner is a person who avoids or does not actively seek human interaction or prefers to be alone. There are many reasons for solitude, intentional or otherwise, and "loner" does not imply a specific cause. Intentional reasons include spiritual and religious considerations or personal philosophies. Unintentional reasons involve temperament, being highly sensitive, having more extreme forms of shyness, or various mental disorders, being introverted or prefer quiet over commotion.

This kind of thing doesn't seem to match up with the life of an extrovert in any way. So why was it that I couldn't shake the feeling that there was something to this idea of being an extroverted loner?

The problem lies in the definition, specifically in it only existing as a physical nearness of human interaction. One can be surrounded by people, and even draw their energy from them in an extroverted fashion, while still being alone internally. It is a distinction not in who we're around or the connection we have, but an emotional and mental distinction of separation.

This type of individual might frequently find themselves as a leader. These are people who are surrounded by people, moving them, talking to them, but yet still alone. We've all heard the phrase "It's lonely at the top." The truth is that a leader can listen to and even be moved by everyone around them, but at the end what makes them a leader is their ability to stand alone.

Another example of lone extroversion is surprisingly a solid example of extroversion: the party planner or promoter. They are "in" everything and know everyone, and yet, they must always stand apart. Social? Yes. Extroverted? Of course. A loner? Most definitely.

Some of this tendency for certain types of extroverts to also exist as loners can be their draw towards freedom. I certainly fall into this category. I love people. I need them in my life, and preferably around me. That said, any attempt to control my actions, time or interactions immediately sets me on edge. I constantly get asked who I'm at the bar with. The answer is almost always "myself" even if I have a lot of friends there. The reason is that by separating myself is that I am not tied to their decisions. They want to leave? Great. I want to float around? Great. No harm no foul. I care deeply about everyone I'm around, so I automatically make sure that the situation is such that no one gets frustrated or their feelings hurt.

This instinctive draw some extroverts have towards being alone can also lead to defying other seeming social norms. Loner extroverts don't get tired of people as easily, because they don't lose their "alone time" when around others. For many people this is an anomaly. We can be sitting right next to you and exist in our own world. We do it when we go and work at Starbucks. We want a social area because people enhance our lives and feed our social energy needs. For the extroverted loner, this may actually allow us to increase our focus than when we're alone. We do the same with our friends and spouses as we engage in separate activities while "together." To us, if you're watching the game, and we're reading a book, we are able to enjoy each other's social energy while totally doing our own loner thing. This is completely foreign to anyone who doesn't fall into this category.

The simple fact is that being a loner isn't a bad or a good thing. It's just a way of being. Factored into the rest of your personality, the "way" in which this trait manifests is just as unique as any other aspect about you. Being shy doesn't make you a loner anymore than being personable makes you more emotionally or mentally connected. We should lose the image of the creepy guy all by himself when we think of what a loner is, and instead look at the aspect for what it is, the separation of ones' self from their surroundings, whether by themselves or in a crowd of people.

Working Relationships

When Fab did it's first round of lay-offs I started coming to a strong realization. Someone off-handedly mentioned that "A job is just like a relationship. It takes two people to start  it, but only one to end it." This is definitely a true statement, but as the months progressed, more lay-offs happened and my own job was impacted, the correlation between jobs and friendships or romantic relationships became even more apparent. It also became very clear that often we can often create problems for ourselves by not realizing how incredibly similar these are and acting accordingly.

The night before what we affectionately called "The Reaping" at Fab, I knew my job was affected. Caleb in an effort to make me feel better made a "Fab Breakup" Spotify playlist, and I was again floored by how perfectly these songs of love an angst perfectly fit with how I was feeling. I even felt the wide range of upheaval. I was disbelieving with All or Nothing moved straight on to sadness with Believe and the next day was sure nothing fit my anger so well as Not Ready to Make Nice. It was clear that I was emotionally affected, and I was responding as though I had my heart broken, because really, I had.

Looking back, I realize that not all jobs ending were heartbreaking, but then again neither were all relationships. Sometimes the passion just fizzles. You drift apart. It might take a couple months for one or the other of you to make the break, but really you don't feel hurt, because your feelings had long since evaporated. Much like some relationships we can all think of, some of us cling to our jobs far too long the same way we do bad relationships.

The similarities don't end at breaking up. Dating is also eerily similar. One thing I know about myself with my romantic relationships is that when I'm not seeing someone, I am always on the hunt. When I get with someone, that desire to hunt actually leaves me. It's a sign of every successful relationship I've had when this happens. If I start looking, I know I'm not invested, and it's time to go. I realize I do the same thing with my jobs. While I was at Fab, I never looked for another job. I knew I wasn't paid near what I was worth, but I was committed, and overall happy with where I was. Sure, there might be a cuter boy aka job around the corner, but my heart was already taken.

When we meet someone knew, we sometimes refer to their relationship "resume" or "how they look on paper." We have taken this idea from our professional relationship, and applied it to dating, likely without realizing how much the reverse was true. We run into the same problems. "I mean sure, you have a cute office, but your office manager is insane!" is so similar to "You're adorable, but your best friend is off her rocker!" We also have to see how we fit in. "Wow. Suits? I haven't worn a suit to work in years..." and "So you only go to sports bars..." might be ways in which we might not fit with something even if it's great. We need to match, and we need the complete package, but like who we date, not just on paper.

After Fab and I broke up, I went hunting, but realized that I could only be somewhere that I was intensely passionate about. Job postings came from friends that I barely even read. I appreciated the sentiment, but much like my complete disinterest in dating without the prospect of a future husband, but knew I couldn't just settle for something that paid the bills for now. I needed something that would steal my heart. I knew I could probably go and hook up with a company and a nice paycheck pretty quickly, but what's the point if I'm not invested?

When you look at it, our lives are all wrapped up in relationships. We have a relationship with our partners, our jobs, our friends. Humans like familiarity, and so we attach the same emotions, and the same habits to them. Already scoping the guy across the room by your second date? Bet you keep yourself subscribed to your LinkedIn job alerts as well. Dive head first into your work? Bet when you find a relationship you do the same there. We sometimes feel that one or the other might help us "escape" from the other. "I need a break from my love life. I will throw myself into work to distract myself." This of course can only work temporarily, because you bring your same issues to the escape that you had in your problem area. Ever notice that you get mad at your boss for some of the same things as your spouse? Because in your head, it's a very similar thing.

Trying to separate how we react to one relationship vs. the other can create a lot of problems. You may not feel your "heart flutter" when you walk into your office, but if you live a passionless existence at work, you'll be as unhappy as you would be if you led one at home. Learning to embrace the fact that we engage in relationships with everything that we do and treating our jobs as carefully as we treat our love lives will always pan out for us better in the long run.