Too many fish in the sea

“There are other fish in the sea.”

According to Random house, this proverb- or something so similar it is practically the same thing- has been around since about 1573. That’s a long history for a phrase that sums up the mindset creating the disastrous state of current relationships.

I have thought about writing about this for a little while, but a couple friends and their “issues” made it even more relevant for me. Saying that there are more people out there is indeed a positive way to help someone get over someone they lost. To help them realize that the death of one relationship does not mean the death of them all. In today’s world, that is doubly true. Between the internet and the ease of travel and moving, we can meet several thousand people in our lifetime. It is a great big world, and we can touch any part of it.

Long ago, when people rarely left their town, let alone moved cross-country, the idea that there were more people was true, but didn’t mean the same thing. The thought of knowing a hundred people used to seem daunting, even a couple decades ago, where now, the average friend list on Facebook is well over this mark. Factor in that we change careers and hobbies more quickly and more often than ever before, and the number of people that we touch is well beyond what anyone previously could have imagined.

So what’s the dark side to all these added social connections? Let’s face it, the more you have of something, the easier it is not to value it. People are no different, and our relationships show it. Very rarely will you meet someone who has held onto a friend since high school in a very meaningful way, despite the fact that it’s so easy to keep in touch. The reason? People have become more disposable.

While friendships are a sure sign of what I am talking about, in romantic relationships, the situation is even worse. My friend “Billy” met my friend “James” a while back and they seemed to hit it off really well. It was clear to anyone near by, let alone someone who knew them well, that they definitely had some serious chemistry. Being the mutual friend, they both continued to chat about each other to me, and I was pretty happy that two people I knew and loved might be starting something new. Then “Billy” said to me, “You know, it’s just not a good time for me.”

Doing my best not to scream back at him “WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN?” I simply was reminded how easy it is to let someone go. So the ball was dropped. Chances are, they will never pick it up again. Of course nothing is definite, but knowing them both very well, they definitely had the potential to be a great couple.

Another friend, “Dan” said to me today, “I don’t know what I am going to do in a year, so I am really hesitant to get into a relationship.” Keeping my exasperation in check, I asked if it was worth giving up the potential for something great, for a problem that might never exist. “Dan’s” mumbled responses weren’t very convincing, but did show that clearly, the underlying reason he could think this way is because there is simply no notion that this could be his best chance.

In both these examples, and countless others I can name, one or both of the people involved are willing to give up people because “it isn’t the right time” or “they are worried about the future” or “they just aren’t ready for a relationship.” Ridiculous. Now I am all about leaving someone if they aren’t good for you, or you don’t see the relationship being worth something. Baring either of these things, however, people need to learn that what we have is valuable.

Relationships are work, but they pay off. The person in your life right now certainly won’t be your last chance for happiness, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t the best chance. Watching the rate of divorce go up and up and up, the number of people that can be classified as serial monogamists also on the rise, all stem from the idea that what I have is disposable because there is “another fish in the sea.”

The truth of the matter is that each person that walks into your life has the potential to be the best thing for you, but it is always work. No is ever as ready OR as unprepared to be in a relationship as they think they are. No one ever has the perfect moment in their life where now you can fit someone in. Our lives are meant to be malleable. You can control what you do with your life, but not the people in them. Given that who we meet is beyond our control, but what we do with them is completely ours to seize onto, it doesn’t make sense that we would give up the only power that we have to winds of fate, hoping that something better comes along rather than looking at the person standing right there, and seeing what is the most that person can be. Maybe they aren’t your Mr. or Ms. Right. Maybe they are. Either way, I guarantee that putting the most effort you can into that person will give you the best relationship possible with them. It may be that you turn out not to be meant for each other, but end up the best of friends (thank you, Chris Hahn!). Or maybe you just end up growing and learning about yourself. Or maybe, just maybe, you realize that the person you could have so easily let go of, is actually the person that is perfect for you. There may indeed be other fish in the sea, but I assure you, not all fish are created equal.