The value of a listener

It is interesting to me how the darker it is, the more difference that a small amount of light can make. This is obviously true literally, but possibly even more so figuratively. When things are going bad in someone's life, a small change to the better, can seem so much more significant. Especially when that light comes from a person. When I am having a bad day, or even more when I am on a downward spiral with life's frustrations, some people have the power to make all the difference.

As I am sure that you know, I am a pretty buoyant person. Day-to-day, I am pretty much "up." The problem is, that since I also think a great deal, when something goes seriously wrong, if I don't immediately pull myself up, it is really easy to think my way to the abyss of my soul. When looking on a problem that deeply effects me, it normally resembles or even has sources in other areas of my life. When thinking about one too much, it leads me to think of others, and since I am constantly putting problems in the back of my mind, it is almost like karma gets me back by making all of them come up with brutal intensity. Sometimes it overwhelms me for a night, while others it comes and goes for quite a while, despite my intentions to overcome my own thoughts.

It probably goes without saying that most people don't want to be around during these times in my life, and when they are, they certainly want to divert the subject from anything that might be bothering me. I think I have mentioned once before, but there are times when it would be nice for people to actually listen and care, and recently I had one of those nights. This time, for possibly the first time ever, things were different. When I was asked, I realized that I was slightly in disbelief, and although I desperately wanted to talk, I was nervous about talking about bad things. I am not sure exactly why, but it was certainly there.

When he pushed and prodded, I resisted without even knowing why, and yet instead of being happy to be given an easy way out, he worked even harder to get to the bottom of what was bothering me so much. When I finally started talking, it was like a great damn had broken, and my very essence was rushing forth. There was a lot that I still held back, I think because no matter how blindly optimistic I am, it is still hard to trust people, but what I said was met with enthusiasm and interest. He challenged me to look at things differently. He didn't offer false hopes, or even solutions, but he engaged me, showing me that in that moment, we were sharing my problem. It was one of the most amazing feelings that I have ever experienced.

That night didn't really solve my problems, but I felt better nonetheless. In addition to that, I started to look around, and take in the small things that I have always enjoyed even more. The smiles from random people as well as ones that I care about. The contact between one person and another. The joy of trying something new. Small things all, but to me so very valuable. I have always cared about the small things, but for some reason, as bad as things were, they seemed all the more apparent, and all the more important. I hope that I give the people in my life some of the same feelings as I felt when I was in my dark little hole. Whether simply with a smile, or a good ear, I hope that I a make a difference. I know that I have said similar things before, but for one, I feel it is really important, and two, its what was on my mind, so that's what I wrote about. Hope you still enjoyed.

Election Recovery

Okay, I know that it took me a week to make any sort of response after what happened last week, but trust me, no one would have liked what I had to say during most of that time, and I try not to make it so that I rant too much. It's always hard to lose, and even harder to have the people you put your faith into not see it through when the going gets tough.

The week overall has been pretty good. I avoided human contact for most of Wednesday, but recovered fairly quickly after that. I cringed as I read the papers that revealed the new agenda of the Presidency, although nothing was too surprising. Luckily for me, West Wing Season 3 came out, so I did a little consoling by watching some of those episodes. They really motivate me, which is what I needed. After all that I had put into the elections, and so few of them going my way, I was feeling rather dispirited. But, now I am up to fight another day, which will make some of you cheer, and some of you cry, but hey, that's life.

I did do something rather unusual for me the other day. On Saturday, I went with Chris to Brian Busby's house where he and a bunch of his friends were playing poker. Although I have played the game from time to time, it is certainly not something that regularly comes up, and certainly not with that kind of formality, and I found it quite refreshing. One of my favorite things to do change things up so that there is no routine in my life, and yet the world tries its best to curb this kind of instability, so it is nice when something comes along that breaks up the monotony. Chris and I did fairly well, especially considering the fact that I never play the game, and we made a small return on what we put up.

Other than that, I have been spending a lot of time working on my final paper for my MU class, which is rather intensive, and requiring way too much of my time, but it will be good to have it done so that I can focus on consolidating my residences to Kansas City. That is something I am looking forward to. Well, I am looking forward to living full time in KC for a while, but of course I am not thrilled about the action of moving half of my stuff across the state. Oh well, I think it will be worth it.

Well, I don't want to ramble on much more, and I really don't want to get onto something too deep, I just wanted to put something up for those of you who follow my life. I suppose that I will let you go. I will probably get back to saying something important to me in a day or so, so as always, check back often or simply subscribe and save yourself the task. Till then /wave!

Election Fiasco

I am going to add links to stories, or put clips about the election fiasco here:

http://msnbc.msn.com/id/6364144/

Election Frustrations

So it's the day after the biggest election of my entire life, and I have no closure. For the second time in history, America, despite all of its advanced technology can't seem to get an election done. Of course, I can't say that this was unexpected. For weeks now, the news has been reporting flaws in the voting systems. A month ago, the Canadian election chancellor visited Missouri to inspect the voting and balloting systems and he said what he saw "terrified him." The ballots in every city are done differently, ranging from hand counted "marker" ballots to the high tech touch screens in Florida (which of course need no paper backup, because we can trust the computer designers- note that the company presidents of all the suppliers are Republicans). I am not even trying to say that there is an inherent cheating streak in the Republican party, but when you look at the effects of 2000, you can't help but wonder what dramatic impact small things like this will have.

Last night, I was up till 2am, fretting over the future of my nation. From 7:00, I was at the Democratic Headquarters, having somehow become the unofficial numbers guy for the entire packed crowd. The Internet was about 30 minutes ahead of the TV, and certain elections had certain sites that you could watch to find true numbers, not media projections, so before long, the TV didn't matter, people just came to me and asked their race. For a while it was kind of invigorating, but then I started to see the dramatic effects of the election on people- most of it negative.

So many of us put our time, effort, money, sweat, and blood into this election, and so many of us are left in tears. I know that there always has to be a loser in these things, but I can't help but be defeated as I watch some of these races unfold. We turned out record numbers of voters, raised amazing amounts of money, talked to our friends, family, co-workers, and so much of it seems to be for nothing. A main thing that I can't get over is the fact that I was used to make my own candidates lose. How? This year, the Republican party made Gay Marriage the new Abortion. The used it as a wedge issue in every close race possible. This agitates me on so many fronts. For one, EVERY poll showed that as a priority to the average citizen, gay marriage was at the bottom of their list, and yet to listen to and watch the advertisements of the Republicans, you would think it was more important than the economy.

What's worse, is that it worked. The American people got so up in arms over this issue, that it colored over nearly everything else, as countless exit polls showed. Of course this shouldn't come as a surprise considering I believe 15 states now have written their own citizens out of their state constitutions. What I want to know is why is the thought of two individuals of the same sex so threatening to people? I can understand the religious argumentation, although I think it's rediculous, I can at least understand it. But we live in AMERICA. Land of the Free. Seperation of Church and State. We are talking about the civil rights of individuals here, and the only argument that people can throw around is the Bible. (I won't even go into how even that argument is flawed beyond belief). What kind of sense does that make?

I think what bothers me most about this election is that it was too emotional. Issues were hardly ever really discussed. There were lots of vague references, but when it came down to what really showed up, it was smear campaigns, and fear tactics. "Don't vote for so and so, because they will let those gays get married, and that just isn't what America wants." "If you elect so and so, you will put our country at risk." This use of the media cheap at best. People got so caught up in the thought of an attack, either on the moral fabric of the country or by an outside force, that they failed to look at anything past that. I can handle an election that is lost on the facts, or one that is lost on the debate floor, but losing an election over tactics, I can't get around, and last night showed that is exactly what happened.

And what is the deal with the White House declaring victory when Ohio holds 20 electoral votes? Well, if any of you were watching the specials they had yesterday, you might find out that it is because THOUSANDS of voters in urban areas in Ohio (Democratic leaning of course) were standing outside for upwards of 11 hours to vote! There was one interview with a college student who had been at the polls since 4pm, and the estimates they were giving him as to when he could vote were going to be close to 3am! Now I am politically motivated, but that would stretch even my limits. How many good, honest people simply couldn't wait that long and had to go home to their jobs or their families? In addition, the eleciton officials started handing out paper ballots, which may or may not actually count. They are part of the "Provincial Ballots" that are going yo be up in the air for 10 DAYS!!! How many voices weren't or won't be heard? What about the soldiers that were complaining about their filling status being revoked because they were in Afganastan or Iraq and the mail took too long to get back and forth? I would think that the people dying for our country should have a pretty good say in what goes on in our country.

I do not want you to come away from this thinking that I am embittered over the outcome of the election (especially since we have no outcome). I am frustrated with the election in general. I am agrivated at how the campaigns were run, and the ploys that were used. I am enraged at the lengths that people will go to silence voices that they don't want to hear. Above all, I am amazed that we so blindly let it happen. I had hoped that we had learned from the dabolical in 2000, but apparently, we are willing to let the same things happen over and over, and in my opinion they will until people are willing to use their voice and make it stop.