Majorly minor annoyances

Well, I am certainly glad that today is over. It was one of those days where everything goes wrong. No good reason, for some reason, the cosmic cards simply aligned against me for this day. What I realized was that it was the small things that really agitated me the most. Every business venture I have had some measure of problems today, and this frustrated me, but it wasn't what really pushed me over the edge. As I became agitated with my never-ending phone calls of doom, I thought I would get some catch-up done, so I went online- or at least I tried. My Internet provider was doing maintenance... again. Seeking refuge, I decided to play a game, but the controller refused to work despite my best attempts to fix it. Turned instead to my trusty DVDs. I still had 3 West Wing episodes to watch in season 2. Wouldn't you know it? There was a disc error that my Playstation just couldn't get past. Now in the grand scheme of things, these were just minor annoyances, but they were more than I wanted to deal with on a day like today (of course, they were part of the reason the day seemed so doomed).

It's funny how things work like that. The major issues can affect you so much less than the small irritations. It is like pain. Most people who have been in a serious accident, or felt real pain will tell you that for some reason it didn't seem to hurt all that much. Now those paper cuts? Excruciating. Maybe our brain just shuts off a certain amount of response to make things more manageable. Oh well.

I am sure that I should probably write something more, but ya know, I am just not feeling it tonight. Perhaps tomorrow. Till then...

Biologically emotional?

Good God I woke up in a bad mood this morning! I can't really explain it, but I was just frustrated from the get-go. I realized that I was very close to making everyone's day a misery, so I tried to calm down, and then after some Starbucks and a shower, I felt amazingly better. Strangely enough, the rest of the day was more fast-paced and stressful, and yet I felt completely fine. As I thought about it, I wonder how much in control of our emotions we are. How much can we change the way we feel by thinking about it? On the flip side, how much is biological? Were my initial feelings this morning the result of poor sleep, and remedied by my frapaccino, making my mood completely biological and out of my control? Or was it instead that I realized I was being a horror and wanted to calm down that brought me back to normal?


This line of thinking got me thinking about a lot of what we can and cannot control within ourselves. As if in response to my thoughts, Psychology Today, published an article in their current issue called "Cupid's Comeuppance." The reason for the article was to show how research indicates that a great deal of relationships are attributed to biological psychology, meaning of course that there is a decidedly minimum control in how we feel, and although we can choose what actions to take based upon our feelings, they are fueled almost entirely by chemical reactions in the body. If you want to read the full article, you can find it at: http://cms.psychologytoday.com/articles/pto-20040921-000001.html

I am not sure how I feel about this line of thinking. Lately, biology has become the science of choice, and its discoveries are far outstripping those of its counterparts. In many ways, this advancement is overdue. For a long time, the subject took a back seat to the rapid advancement of physics and chemistry. With the extensive research on genetics, it has been taken to new heights, and a lot more money is being thrown into it. Such money leads to research like that indicated in the article, as we search for the reasons for everything within ourselves.

I like the idea of advancing our knowledge, but I am not sure how I feel about what that information is saying about us. How much of who we are as a person can be attributed to different chemicals? Yet no matter how much I want to deny the findings, I know from first hand experience that certain chemical imbalances can change a person's personality entirely. Does this mean that we have no control?

Maybe its a little of both.Of course in order to believe that, you almost have to stretch the possibilities. If we are truly products of our biological makeup, and the brain controls the release of most of the chemicals in our body, wouldn't it be possible for us to control those releases ourselves? I don't know whether it would be a conscious or subconscious effort, but maybe if we think about it enough or desire it enough, we really can change the way that we feel by changing the chemicals that are released. Maybe we have been doing this all along and are only now just realizing it. Makes you wonder, doesn't it? All I know is that should this line of thinking prove even remotely true, then I think that we need to know more about the food we eat. How much hidden information could there be about what we eat. Chocolate is proven to release endorphins and make you happy. Turkey can make you sleepy. Is there food that can make you more sad? Or angry? Maybe some of the things we dislike about someone can go back to a bad diet. Hehe. Wouldn't that be interesting to find out.

Alright, enough of my random musings. I hope things are well with all of you, and also that you remember that I am simply ranting about random things, so only put so much stock into what you read here. ;) Well, until next time...

Current items of enjoyment

So, you may have noticed that the "currently playing" for this entry is the soundtrack to Playing by Heart. I finally got this CD just this week, after spending a great deal of time in search of it. You might wonder why I would spend so much time looking for it, but I will tell you that it was worth it. For those of you who don't know (which means you must not really know me) Playing by Heart is one of my three favorite movies. It is one that every time I watch, I like more than the last. There were several songs that made me want the soundtrack, and now that I have listened to it, I am very impressed. Like the movie, it transcends genres and styles to make a truly unique and moving compilation. The mix of jazz and pop, modern and traditional, vocals and instrumental are truly something I enjoy.

Now that I think about it, I might as well draw attention to the other entries' selections. If you haven't figured it out, I am able to select a book, music, or movie title at the begining of each entry. I like it because it allows you to see some of what I read/watch/listen to in my life. (Clicking on one takes you to the title at Amazon.com should you ever want to try it for yourself). I think its a really unique thing that adds a lot. But since we are on the subject, I thought I might tell you about some of my selections.

I should first note that I am normally going to put a book up for you to see. Obviously if I am still reading one I have already posted, I won't throw it at you twice, and in those cases, I may select a CD or DVD I am watching, if nothing else than to add some spice! I started with Dracula, which I was actually reading for my English class. Despite it being manditory, I found that reading that book is the most enjoyable thing about the class. I never realized how different the original was from all of the offshoots. I like classics, and I was glad that the class forced me to pick this one up. I would recommend it for any fans of Vampires, as it is what brought that particular entity into the limelight.

Since I was still immersed in Dracula, I next chose Affimation, a CD by the now broken-up Savage Garden. I cannot tell you how much I love this CD. The title song is by far one of my favorite songs of all time, especially since I could sing it and mean every word. The rest of the CD is in my mind amazing, and I can't quite explain why. It could be its uniquness, or maybe the emotions that it invokes. No matter what though, it has a special place in my heart.

Going back to my modern fantasy, I recently picked up Suzanna Clarke's book. I read a very enticing review that heralded the book as "the Harry Potter for adults." Having thuroughly enjoyed the entire Potter series, I of course was forced to pick this one up. I must say that it was quite a fun read, and didn't disappoint. It takes place in England at the end of the War of 1812. Unlike Harry Potter, it spends almost all of its time in the real world, making the wizards face all the prejudices and fears that we might imagine. Should you be anyway drawn to fantasy, I must recommend it.

Finally, I decided to highlight Angels in America. For those of you who have yet to see this movie, it is based upon an excellent play, and is in itself a work of art. I am sure that I have only scratched the surface of the meaning that is embedded within, but it was enough. Dealing with the very real fear of AIDS in 1985, it presents an interesting view into a variety of lives that are all tragically linked togeather. The fact that there is a great deal of depressing content, and the fact that the movie is 6 hours long (it was an HBO mini-series) I would have to suggest that you break it into parts. I will warn you that it is a bit off, but then again, in my eyes, most great pieces of art are.

Well, I guess that's more than enough writing for one night. Although I don't think I really said anything profound, maybe I gave you a tiny glimpse into the things that interest me and maybe sparked some interest in you as well. Until next time...

Chicago and American Education

Well, I am back from Chicago, and although the trip home was obnoxious ( I got transfered to another train and ended up in St. Louis instead of LaPlata where my car was) all in all, things were good. It felt really good to be in a big city again. Sometimes I forget how much I miss it. Walking up and down the streets of Chicago was wonderful. It made me think of Boston, which of course always makes me happy. I made some new friends up there, which is always a bonus. One is a business major who went to this really amazing public school- more on that in a minute- and the other works as the promotions manager for an orginization called the Chicago House. I went to one of their small beneifts while in town and I was really impressed. They help people out a lot with a lot of different things, and I don't think I could do it justice in my despcription, but as I said, it seems like a great organization. Both the guys are really cool, and I look forward to hanging out with them more in the future. I have to say that 2 highly potential friends in 3 days is rather impressive. Hehe.

As I mentioned earlier, one my new friends went to this amazing public school in one of the Chicago suberbs. As he and I talked about it, he was very animated and excited about it, while I seemed not the least bit pleased. He finally figured out that there was something wrong and asked me what it was. I said he probably shouldn't open that can up, but he insisted. I tried to warn him. I went on a tirade about how it agrivates me that there is such a disparity in public schools. Let me first tell you that this school has 3 swimming pools, a TV production studio, has 2 sections devoted to international focuses (including teleconfrenceing around the world), etc. While I find all of these things to be amazing, and I told him so, I was so infuriated at the disparity it showed. He didn't immediately understand. So we talked about the school that was aproximately 10 miles away. This high school has less teachers than it needed, only one gym, no pool or anything close, was over 50 years old, etc. The teachers made approximately 1/4 of those at my friend's high school, there was no budget for extracurricular activities, etc.

What I told him, and now I tell to you, is that the very idea of public schools was thwarted by this disparity. Here he was, by no fault of his own, going to a school that was so amazing, setting himself up for a life of sucess. While I told him I was making no statements against him, and that he may have very well worked hard once he was there, the fact of the matter was that he was no different from someone living 10 miles away, and yet he was afforded a world of opportunities the other could scarcely dream of. And to make matters worse, it wasn't even like he was going to a private school! He, like the boy not so far away, were both attending schools funded by the government. I explained to him that the goal of public schools was to giveeveryone an equal chance for sucess.
He countered that his parents paid more property tax. Can you guess my response? In truth that only made matters worse in my eyes. for one, it only perpetuates the class system. He said that there will always be classes, and I agreed, but the difference is that while class will always exist, it is an American goal for it not to be predetermined. The fact that his parents make money should in no way be able to give him such a better start than someone who was born to a poor family. That is almost as bad as the victorian and feudal system where you are born into a class. It has been proven time and time again that those who attend better schools have an infinitely higher chance of maintaining or raising their social status and making more money. He (at least early on) didn't do anything to earn him the right to attend such a dramatically better school. He said his parents worked hard. Well, since we all know that you can't chose your parents that seemed no better. Why should his life be set up so much better because he was lucky enough to be born with better parents?

In my mind, the idea of the American educational system is to give everyone an equal opportunity  to succeed. Will there always be classes? Yes, because some people will not take advantage of what they are given. It is my belief that no matter what walk of life you come from, you have the right to an education that is equal  to everyone else. I think it is our obligation as a society to provide for our future through our educationsal system, and that we shouldn't be able to discriminate against someone because their family makes less money. I am happy to say that the more he thought about it, the more he ended up agreeing with me. It makes me think that there is hope. He simply didn't ever think of the difference that system made in his life and what it could easily have made in another's. Maybe if more people start realizing that we only hurt our society as a whole by not taking action, then maybe some real change can come about. With situations like these, there can be no doubt that what we are trying is not working, and something needs to be done.

Well, I guess this turned into more of a tirade than I had expected, but it was something I feel strongly about. I was impressed that this empassioned explination was something my friend enjoyed. We had a great time, and I felt really enegized being able to have that conversation. It seems rare that people want to discuss anything serious now days. Oh well. I am going to class. More later!

My Cobiashi Maru

So... I am in Chicago, a city that I always have a good time in, and yet for some reason, this specific trip seems to be frustrating me greatly. This is not because of anything bad about the trip itself, but rather the things that I am constantly thinking about while I am here. I have always agreed with the premise that we become more open-minded and more thoughtful when we travel, in fact it is one of my favorite things about traveling. This trip, however is making me very pensive, and almost melancholy as I think about a great many things. There is more than I could possibly bore you with all at once, so I think that I might just do one topic at a time... I have just realized that I have never put so many personal thoughts online before, and I may kick myself tomorrow. I guess only time will tell.

I think the thing that is most prevelant in my thoughts is my own Cobiashi Maru, or the unwinnable scenario. I always think that people have choices in their actions, though fate makes cercumstances, our free will allows us the final say in what we actually do. As such, I have never had much belief in an unbeatable situation. Unfortunately, I now know that sometimes, there is no good answer, and we are forced to make decisions that may come back to haunt us. Looking back, I realize that I have made a great many of these decisions.

Let me give you the most prevelant example. I was forced to chose between two friends. As any of you who know me already know, I know (okay, 3 'knows'? and I call myself a writer) a great many people, and of course, people say a lot of things without thinking. As such, I am privy to a large amount of information. Sometimes more than I want. What on earth are you supposed to do when you have information that should you reveal it will betray a friend, but at the same time, keeping such information hidden when you have it will betray another? In the strongest of these instances, I am sure that the future happiness of an individual rested on being given this information, and yet I could not betray my friend. How now can I justify the betrayl to the one that will be so adversely affected?How can you make that decision? Do you chose the one who you have known longer? Maybe the one who is the better friend? Both of these seem a bit arbitrary to me. What about chosing based upon who you think is innocent, or "in the right"? I think that this method may have merit, but then again, that is rather arrogant to think that I have the right to say who is right and who is wrong.

I can tell you what I have done, though maybe I shouldn't. I decided that I could not see someone come to pain, especially when he was so wronged, by my silence. This friend made it difficult to keep my silence, as he could tell that I was bothered by something. I am too brutally honest for my own good. So it was that I confirmed to him the questions he asked me. In some ways, it came down to me being unable to lie. At the same time, trying to be true to the other friend, I did not provide any information I was not asked for, despite the fact that there was a great deal more to be said on the subject.

In retrospect, I regret my decision greatly. I cannot help but think about the friend I betrayed and the guilt that goes along with it. In addition, I also regret- having said so much- not "sealing the deal" and providing all the information. Now, both of them are hurt, and I carry a heavy dose of guilt. Whew. That was a bit too heavy for me. If you made it this far, maybe the story of my plight may help you someday. Or maybe you think I am a horrible person... I guess that's the risk you run when opening you heart to the world. I guess the only grace I can ask is that you remember before you judge too harshly that all I ever wanted or tried to do was what was best for those I cared about...

Well, until next time... or until I delete this entry...

Excitement mired in furstration

Yay! I finally found and bought my Hybrid today! Its a Honda Civic, and I am really happy with it.  To be honest, I wanted to get a Prius (Toyota), but there was a 12-24 month waiting list and to be honest, the Civic has a bit better design. Besides, my friends who know far more about cars than I do said that a Civic was a better. So maybe it was for the best. It drives really well, is incredibly environmentally friendly, and looks very slick. I highly recommend that you get a hybrid for yourself.

In other news, it seems like I am close to having my business site remodel done, so that is exciting. Sadly, a great many things are not as pleasant. It seems to me that more and more, people are simply looking to further themselves, harming anyone in their path. I understand that by their nature, people are at least partially selfish, but do you have to hurt others to acheive your goals? I think not. You can still look out for "Number One" and have regard and care for other people as well. Of course we all want things to be better for ourselves, but it seems that more and more people are forgetting that one of the best things in life is the people that surround us. Should these individuals not be a top priority as well?

I have often been called blindly optimistic, and maybe it's true, but I refuse to believe that human nature is such that only a rare few can bring themselves above the basic needs of competition and survival, and yet time and time again, the people that I meet seem to fall into this trap. Is there no hope?

Well, I am going to get some work done. Perhaps more later.

A new beginning

Wow, my first post... Hi! Welcome to my new journal. I figure that I have way too many thoughts shooting through my head at any given time that I thought I could put some of them down to share with you. Beware, if you chose to read further, my mind is a maze of diverse and changing avenues, and looking at my thoughts might drive you mad. Should you chose to brave this adventure, then please, read further...