2010 has gone, but 2011, I'm glad you're here!

It wouldn't be a New Year without looking back at what has gone and looking ahead at what is yet to come.

Two weeks ago, as the year was drawing to a close, a new chapter of my life began. I am now two weeks into my "thirties" and that on top of this New Year have me looking forward with new vigor.

The last two years have been rough. Last year about this time, I vowed to live my life more fully even in dark times, and in many ways, I succeeded. I entered into a great new relationship, that though it ended eventually, we lived it well. I finally went outside the U.S. for traveling. I wrote more, loved more, and experienced more.

I started coaching again, something I have sorely missed. I saw more theatre. I moved my best friend in all the world in with me. In nearly all things, I have done more. Strangely, I have done all this with less. This year, my living and financial situation was even worse than before. To see how much more I have been able to do though, really proves to me something I have always believed: The world is maleable. We may not be able to have everything we want, but we can create for ourselves a better life if we try.

So that was last year. What does that mean for the one we have just embarked on? This year- the first of my thirties- I want MORE. It was at my birthday party that I first put this into words, and it is something I plan to hold on to. Last year I proved what I can do with little. This year, I intend to be DONE with "little." The economy is recovering. My roots in NYC have been planted deeper, my connections grown. And I'm 30. Some of my friends have hit this milestone with dread, but I hit it as is so unsurprising- with incredible optimism. I am excited to be living in this time and at the age I'm at.

At this moment, I feel like the world is ready to open up even more for me. I can nearly feel a satisfying job and the hint of love right around the corner. Songs have said it far better than I, but I don't know what either of these look like yet, but I know they are right there waiting for me. And I intend to take them.

So this year, I will live with more. I will continue to take forward the valuable lessons I learned last year, and live deeper. I will do even more in the places that I "slacked off" and allowed myself to resign myself to my fate. Then I will take all of this possibility, and I will add to it new adventure and new stability. If I can live well with little, this year I intend to prove that I can live the life incredible as I add more too it.

At one point in my life I was incredibly successful. Partially because of my youth and inexperience, I didn't live a great life when I had that success. Though I don't regret it all, I know now that there is so much more to life that I can have when I embrace and utilize my success. So this year, having learned those lessons, I intend to create success... and then use it well!

Here's to a new decade in time, a new decade of my life, and to a new year of immense possibility!

Finding difficult thanks.

It's that time of year again.

A time when we get together with family, or our family of friends.

A time when we eat far more than we ever should.

A time when we look at our lives and see what we're thankful for.

To be honest, this was a rough year, and my initial inclination was to skip this year's obligatory post. I certainly am not going to pretend to be one of those guys who can list my basic needs in what I'm thankful for. Yes, it's great that I am not starving, sick, dead, devoid of friends, etc. but in all honesty when are we every THANKFUL of that? Should we be? I say no, but many disagree, and that is a debate for another time.

Given that I was not going to spout some drivel about the minute things that subsist in every one's lives, I wasn't really sure that there was much for me to say. Then I did what any self respecting introspective philosopher would do: I looked harder. So it is, that I enlightened myself with the following things that I am thankful for in 2010:

1. I am thankful for the kids that I coach, and the guy I coach with. The last few months have been dramatically better in comparison to the rest of the year almost exclusively because of the coaching I started doing. My kids are amazing- constantly challenging me and surprising me as they rise beyond my expectations. At the pinnacle of that success if of course the guy who found me and roped me into all this. He is an amazing coach in his own right, and his care for our team and the future of our program makes every moment I spend on this endeavor worth it.

2. I am thankful for New York. I have spoken to a few friends from "home," and one thing rang completely true. No matter the difficult trials that this year has presented to me, I still am happier an many ways simply because of where I live. This city never ceases to amaze me, and allows me to find a constant stream of small delights to keep me afloat in difficult times.

3. I am thankful for Starbucks. As small of a moment as it may be, it is great that I have something that brings a small amount of comfort and pleasure no matter how difficult my day might otherwise be.

4. Lastly, I realized that I am thankful for the difference I am able to make in people's lives. Sometimes I forget how truly impactful people can be. Looking around at the lived I have touched makes me realize that while bad things are happening, we can still be a source of great things.

As for the day itself yesterday was really nice. I spent time with lots of different friends, and did a wide variety of things. Sitting down to a nice dinner, holding great conversation, watching parade madness, adventuring out to a show, reveling in some video games, and finally partying up with the diziens of the city, all encompassed a fun day.

100 Little Cuts

It is interesting how human makeup varies so much externally vs. internally.

When our bodies are injured, it is almost always one significant injury that our body can't cope with. When we are faced with little wounds all over, our body has an amazing ability to repair itself. Only when one thing is so damaging will our body normally give out.

When it comes to our hearts and minds though- our emotional well being, the opposite is completely true. Though some significant events such as the loss of a child, etc can be crippling, we are more likely to collapse under the weight of 100 minor stresses. When we face a seriously traumatic experience, our mind has many defense mechanisms that kick into place to keep us afloat. Though sometimes these are only stopgap measures that must eventually be dealt with, we have an amazing resilience to bounce back and not stay mired in internal pain.

Unfortunately what often creeps up on us and we are far less capable of handling is the small things that sneak in under our radar. Nearly everyone I have ever met with clinical depression comes as a result not of a significant trama, but from a life filled with tiny debilitating stresses.

Beyond our own inability to recognize and defend ourselves from these small but multiplicative strains, we often can't reach out to our greatest source of healing: each other. When a major catastrophic event happens in one's life, they are able to turn to their friends and family in a way that sometimes they never have before. Sometimes, this even creates light out of the darkness. This closeness and this aid helps us heal in ways that we never could have on our own.

The problem with the smaller stressors is two-fold. One, we often don't recognize their effect on us, so we don't reach out. Secondly, when we do reach out, it is often met with very little sympathy or support. "Yes, yes, you have problems with you're kids. Don't we all?" or even worse "Oh, I totally agree about your money problems, listen to how bad mine are." When we are confronted with our friends' and families' smaller problems, we find it easy to dismiss them or to compare them to our own problems. This not only doesn't allow someone the comfort and support that we need, but also helps them undermine their own process. If we don't think that their problems are important, it shows them that they aren't important either, forcing them to be swept aside, until that pile of discard is so large it collapses on top of us.

This is the crux of the problem. We don't focus on the small details, our friends encourage this behavior, and yet as such we aren't prepared for the deluge when it hits us. Even worse is if we already have a pile of unaddressed issues and then we are faced with something larger. Perhaps the reason that our body is so much more effective at dealing with the small problems is that it always deals with them. Imagine if every time you got a cut, your body just ignored it. After all it's only a small problem. How long would it be before you had so many "tiny" injuries that you bled to death? How much worse would a major injury be if you're already bleeding from 100 smaller cuts?

When someone goes through a divorce, or is faced with a major problem or huge disappointment, our ability to deal with it is severely handicapped if we are struggling under the weight of all the things that we have forgotten are problems in our life.

So what's the brilliant solution waiting to be revealed? Strangely even psychologists don't have a brilliant answer to this one. Dealing with our problems is always a healthy solution, but when that isn't a viable option (money issues, etc.) it can be hard to let a wound heal. One thing for sure is to make sure that we give strong consideration to what our friends are going through. And whenever possible, we need to try and see if there is a solution to any of our problems. Putting a band-aid on may cover it up, but if the splinter is still in, it will just go deeper and deeper until it gets infected. Try and see if it is within your power to remove the splinter, and of course, ask for help. Letting people help is us one of the surest ways to make our own loads lighter, and hey! That's what friends are for. Don't let yourself be convinced that just because your problem is small, it shouldn't be dealt with. Life may not be perfect, but we sure can try to make it as close as possible!