Yesterday, I was literally in my car heading out of town to visit a friend when I got a call from the leasing agent at the apartment complex I was looking at. She asked if I wanted to get my keys that day. Without hesitation, I called my friend to postpone my trip, and turned right around. I took everything from my house that would fit in my car- enough to live on- and moved in right then.
I have always been a city guy. When I was younger I really had no way of knowing this, but the moment I started traveling, it was quite plain. I love the pedestrian lifestyle, big buildings, throngs of people. It makes me very happy. When I was living in Boston for school, I seriously felt like I was at home for the first time in my life. Something about cities brings together the various aspects of my personality quite nicely. My extreme extroversion, ambition, love of culture, desire for change are all fed by the urban environment. Throughout my life, any time I have felt in a slump, as simple trip to a big city, or even to the Plaza or Downtown Starbucks would do wonders to perk me up. The reason was not that it was a vacation, in fact those who know me see me do more work in these environments than when I am sitting in my office.
All of these things I knew. What I didn't realize was how much I missed it, or that I needed it. Simply knowing that I was now living downtown made such a significant impact on me that I can't describe it. Even knowing that my move was to Downtown Kansas City, and not some gargantuan city that I would prefer didn't seem to make as much of an impact as I thought it would. Though KC doesn't provide me with everything I want, the difference to me was so significant that I was completely taken aback. When I think that within a relatively small amount of time, I will move again to a major metropolis, I am quite simply giddy.
I think that what I realized more than anything in this move was how important your home really is. Back when I was involved in Landmark Education, though they said a lot of things completely out of line with my beliefs, they did get it right on that note. They tried to instill in us how important being happy with where you live was. It never really got through till now.
My most recent move prior to this one, I really didn't get this same feeling, even though in a lot of ways it was a great move. I was much closer to the things I cared about (including Downtown), and my house was a great one. What I know now is that I was simply "okay" with where I lived. I moved there for reasons that were not my own, and later the living situation continued to change in directions that pushed that joy even further away. I suppose I convinced myself somehow that as long as I wasn't unhappy with where I was, that was what I should care about. Any of you that know me understand that I believe that a person should be happy in everything that they do. Life will never be perfect, so you should surround yourself with only things that being you joy so when life's hiccups come along, you are not swept away. For some reason, in certain aspects, most especially my living space, somehow I had gone from demanding happiness to simply avoiding unhappiness. This is not the same thing, were you to have asked me that, I would have been the first to tell it to you. Recognizing how I was actually settling, something very much against my philosophy of life, was more difficult, but I am glad I did.
Interestingly enough, moving was not the only thing that made me realize that I settle way too easily in certain areas. I am sure that my friend Rae would have plenty to say in an area that I have put up with far more than I should. After Chris and I broke up, well over three years ago now, I have had several interests, but no real relationship to speak of. That is not to say that I did not get my heart broken, especially from the one guy I actually gave the title of boyfriend too. While ultimately I did not end up with any of these interests, I realize that I certainly hung on to nearly all of them too long.
Without going into too much detail about this (both because I have before, and I know I am going to do it in a future entry very soon), I believe that a romantic relationship is only worth having if it has ultimate long term potential. This is the reason that I don't throw the title of boyfriend around very easily. I had convinced myself that I was doing well, being cognizant of what had that potential and what didn't. I was definitely willing to ensure that a relationship did not extend very far if the romantic side wasn't there. If I wasn't falling for them, it wasn't worth it. My heart definitely took charge when it needed to. The problem is that at some point, I let myself be convinced that something was a lot greater than it was. I forgot what someone could make me feel like if I was really for them 100%, when my mind and my heart were in complete agreement. In the last year especially, I think that I got so excited by someone that I had strong feelings for that I put far more of my heart on the line than I ever should have, hence me getting hurt. Though I am not with anyone now, recent events have reminded me of exactly what it means to have real feelings all the way around for someone. To care about someone without the hidden thoughts that you are settling. When you are looking at an individual who can actually be right for you, and you for them. I have known some great guys in my life. Most of them could never be my partner in life, nor I their's. Somehow I lost sight of the difference.
Though I have obviously never been with someone to the point that we actually become partners, I know what it takes to be that. That's the reason that the three incredibly significant relationships that I have had all ended with no regret. Though we did not work out, the potential was there, and it played itself out. I believe that is what happens when you don't settle. Things may not end perfectly, but you don't live with the regret. If you take the best potential you have, and work your hardest to make sure that you play that out, any pain comes is infinitely lessened, and your regrets are none. I don't know how I lost sight of that, but I am glad I have my vision back.
So what does all this revelation mean to my life? Well for one, I am going to revel in my new place, but I know for certain that Kansas City will not be my home for much longer. Even if I didn't have a pact that would take me away within 2 years, I would still be gone. I have waited too long already. I like Kansas City. I think that someday I may even come back, but I know for certain that while I may not be unhappy here, I am not as happy as I would be in the cities I love. The same with relationships. I refuse to settle for someone I like. My partner, like my home must be loved, and by all aspects of me. I have been good about this in my career, not it is time to enforce it in the other aspects of my life as well. When I walk home, I want to feel comfort, love the way it looks and feels both by its interior and its location. When I am with someone I want my heart and my mind to agree that this is someone worth being with. I want a home and a partner that both make me feel embraced, and wanted. Having seen what I can do to convince myself to settle, I am done. No longer will these things cloud my vision, no longer will I take less than what brings me joy. Life should be sweet, and while I cannot account for everything, for too long I have not been accountable to myself, and that ends now. The new season is beginning, and it is looking to be a beautiful one!
