To See or Not to See.

It has been said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder" but lately it has become clear that nearly everything is in the eye of the beholder. What I mean is this: people see what they want to see, and in more ways than we normally think. We sometimes notice this when someone we care about is being blind to a situation that is obvious to everyone else around the. In truth though, this extends far deeper into the way we notice things in the world, and therefore who and what they interact with, and the perceptions they have of reality. Let me illustrate this point for you with a few examples I have seen recently (names witheld).

Example 1: Several high school girls are crushing on their coach. For months they have held onto this infatuation without fail. The interesting thing is that time and time again, it comes up in random ways that the coach is actually gay. Though not insanely "on fire," he's not very shy about it. He sports clothes and accessories that support gay rights. His fellow coaches have mentioned it in passing on several occasions. Despite this fact, when the girls were approached about the crush, another teacher asked, "What if he's gay?" The response? "Clearly he's not gay. That's silly." All evidence exists to the contrary, and yet each instance, the girls create a story for themselves about why such things exist, not even allowing the thought of what is actually the truth.

Example 2: Three friends are in an area with a lot of people around them. After a while, they start talking about who was there. One of the friends says that there were a ridiculous amount of wardrobe malfunctions that were painful to see. Another friend said that there were about 5-6 really cute gay guys. To this, the final friend responded, "Really? There were cute gay guys? I didn't see any." Note that later when these gentlemen were pointed out, the final friend indeed agreed with their attractiveness. The fact is that he just simply never looks for guys. Not what he is focused on in his life, and therefore simply doesn't see them. Both the latter friends agreed to the atrocious clothes when they were pointed out, but again, fashion isn't their forte, so these "egregious errors" were nearly invisible to them

If one thought about it, almost anyone could list plenty of examples like this. Parents see in their kids the image of themselves or the hope of correcting the regrets of their own past. Lovers see in their partners the traits they want or the failings of their past relationships. The car lover will notice a shiny new BMW when his friend might instead notice the driver's silly expression. It's almost so natural that we don't even notice it, and yet it has major impacts on how we relate to the world. Lots of research has been done that says that optimists succeed more than pessimists. Several theories have come forth as to why that is. Books have been written about how "visualizing your success" can actually create it, etc. But what if the answer is more simple than all of that? What if it's simply the fact that optimists, who constantly see the glass as half-full just notice more avenues to success? If we only see what we want to see, a pessimist will see the road to failure even if a path to success were to be right beside them.

At the end of the day, the big questions are is this tendency we have as people good or bad, and what, if anything should we do about it? In some ways it is probably highly beneficial to us that we automatically filter so much out. There's a lot going on in the world, and even the most observant of people really can't take it all in. Our subconscious is smart enough to take care of all this excess information for us, letting us see things that mean something to us.

This of course still leaves us with the responsibility of opening our eyes to the things we really want, instead of falling prey to what we might call bad observational habits. Lots of people waste their time on looking for things that they want to hate. Looking to things that we like or love instead would save a whole lot of unhappiness. Though we can't all be optimists, taking a little time to look for the good in situations would ease a lot of burdens on people. Stopping ourselves every once in a while and looking for something different would definitely be worthwhile, rather than searching only for the familiar. Robert Frost told us all to take "the road less traveled." I whole heartedly agree, but my first bit of advice would be to make sure that we look hard enough to find this road.

Optimistic faith without gullibility

"You're very gullible." --Todd
"No Todd, I'm OPEN." --Cathy

As I was watching TV today, this quote struck me. The former was said because Cathy had mentioned occasionally consulting psychics, and wanting to have her cards read. Perhaps the writers were going for sarcasm, but I choose to take it as a very real debate on one of those fine lines that we tread in life. Cathy is a self proclaimed optimist, while Todd is a hard science MD who chooses "realism" over either the sunny side up or dark clouds abound ways of thinking. Some might say that realism is a nice happy medium between optimism and pessimism. In truth, I think that everyone is realistic in their own sense of reality, and that those who go with "realism" as a philosophy simply do it to either justify or temper their inclination to either extreme.

But where are the lines between reality and blind faith? Openness to being closed off? Optimism vs. Pessimism? Are any right? Is moderation always the key?

Optimists are by nature hopeful people who tend to be open to more possibilities than the average person. Many optimists are people of faith, because many religions preach hope... or pretend to. Interestingly enough, this is not a reverseable truth. You cannot say that most people of faith are optimists, nor that most people of science are pessimists. The reason? Neither science nor faith lends itself to optimism or pessimism. Pessmistic people of faith will always find the dark gloom of the religious doctrine. Optimistic scientists see excitement in the power of knowledge and it's progression.

But back to the original question, where is the sweet spot between the two? Many will say that it can be found, and those people who find it become the average and "realistic" middle. Of course, this is completely inaccurate. Though it is true that the average person is neither an optimist or a pessimist, this is neither realistic nor some great sweet spot. We are so often inclined to want everything in moderation, and to find the balance and the middle that we sometimes forget that we're not supposed to. Look at being smart. Is there a medium point we should hit? Of course not. Dumb is bad. Smart is good. The smarter the better. Of course we often overlook the fact that there are traits like that even when they would help us a great deal.

So first to tackle the "realism" issue, which is nicely illustrated in the original quote. Todd believes in only what can be proven. Cathy, it seems believes in a great deal, or at least the "possibility" of a great deal. Interestingly enough, in the end, according to history, Cathy will prove right... by science. That's right. The great tool of "realism" is historically that which proves people of faith correct. Let me note here that I am not using faith in a purely religious term. Lots of "religious" people have no faith, and lots of people of faith choose no religion. The people of faith that I refer to are those that somehow inherently know and believe that there is more out there. Of course we time and time again prove that this is true. Thousands of years ago those who had faith in great laws of the universe that governed all living things were men of faith. They may said these laws were governed by gods or by "magic" but it was the men of faith who believed that they existed.

I also would say that true people of faith, do not fight against science and facts. They simply believe that there are MORE facts that we don't know. Those who say that knowledge removes faith are those who are seriously lacking in... well... faith. It is totally plausible, and EFFECTIVE to believe the facts as fact, and to believe that there is more to it than we know. Some of the things that "realists" reject have strangely been around for a very very long time. Why is it that even in an age of mass information and science can we still sometimes be shocked at accuracy of "alternative" ideas and methods? Perhaps there is a reason these things seem to work a great deal. Perhaps we just aren't yet ready to figure out the science behind it all. Maybe our "reasons" for why something works isn't dead on, but maybe it works just the same. People of hope and of faith inherently understand this. People who destroy these ideas with no more proof than those who believe in them are only hindering their own possible knowledge.

On to the second issue of optimism vs. pessimism, this one should be as clear as the smart vs dumb argument, yet somehow it's not. When we're young we are born optimistic. We are called naive, and this is a derogatory statement. Innocent is slightly nicer, but in effect the idea is the more you know about the world, the more pessimistic you should be. Now most people would argue that we don't actually want people to be "pessimistic," just more realistic (there's that word again). People who are optimistic in love are "hopelessly romantic." Hopeless again such a derogatory term, and yet we use it in this context all the time. People who trust are suckers, people who don't run in fear are ignorant. You are allowed to be optimistic only until you fall flat on your face, have your heart broken, your trust betrayed, etc. and suddenly "know better."

So why is this bad? Shouldn't we temper the hope and light with some solid "protection" that a dash of pessimism can provide? NO. Why? What makes this seemingly reasonable idea bad? Because pessimism kills us and optimism gives us life. We are born optimistic for a reason. Science has proven time and time again that a good outlook on life increases your ability to fight disease, lengthens your life, and makes you a healthier person. Optimism provides for this in a way that pessimism never can. This is why there has never been a scientific study proving pessimists live longer. Ever. Yet time and time again the reverse is true. Despite all the "protection" and "safety" that pessimism and through it "realism" provides, those who choose this don't live as long as the optimists. Do optimists make mistakes? Do they trust when they shouldn't? Do they put themselves in harms way without always realizing it? Yep! Of course what is often forgotten is that so does EVERYONE. Who in this world, no matter how much "realism" they spout hasn't made errors in judgement, or taken the unsafe path? No one. This is the truth. We're all gullible at some point. We all assume we know more than we do. Pessimism doesn't protect you. No one has the ability to be infallible, and therefore any amount of protection will be imperfect. By choosing optimism, you create a happier situation to live in when trouble isn't on the horizon rather than living in darkness. Further, optimism gives you the strength, hope, and IDEAS to get back up again when you've been knocked down. An optimist is like a rubber ball. It'll hit the ground, but it will always bounce back. Realism is like a lead ball. When it falls, it finds it hard to ever move again, because it traps itself in the "reality" it finds itself in. Pessimism is more like an egg. It has this amazing shell that protects it. Unfortunately, that shell can't hold forever, and when it finally breaks, the soft insides just spill all over.

Everyone can choose what they will. I have always chosen to believe in more than what I know, and to know in my heart that things in truth are bright and good. The sun is always shining, even if we can't see it. Looking only at the darkness will only blind us to the light when it comes back out again.

Pink and Gleeful, yet still freaks

Let's face it, though she may not be the first name that pops into your mind, the gays needed little help when it comes to loving Pink. Her fiery music that could nearly always spin out on the dance floor with lyrics that speaks to the best and worst of our times, live performances that put her peers to shame, and an unshakable affinity for those that sometimes don't just seem to fit in, she is definitely and artist easy for us to adore. Of course this week, that love was given an newer outlet when her song was sung by the gay heartthrob in Glee. Anyone who has a Twitter pulse could see a myriad of posts over the next day shouting out to our "nitty gritty dirty little freaks" or telling us to "Raise your Glass." I shouldn't have been surprised when the next day I typed as far as "Ra" into google that the first thing that popped up was "Raise Your Glass Pink Lyrics." Clearly this song was on fire across the nation, and especially with the gay boys.

I had the chance to briefly meet Pink at the HRC National Dinner this year, and more importantly, I heard her speak. I have always been a fan of her music, but listening to her talk about her views of the world and people whom others label as "different" really struck a chord. This wasn't a diva trying to drum up some gay love. This was a woman who felt exactly what it was that so many gay teens across the nation feel as they struggle with being what much of our society still considers "wrong."

Pink's songs are a perfect fit with Glee. The capital "L" for loser that Glee so openly embraces runs through the heart of the show in the same way that it runs through Pink's words. Being me, I had to of course re-listen to the song in my head over and over, alternating between Pink's and Darrin's voice. Then, to satisfy my love of words, I read the lyrics too. The combination of the Glee themes, also exhibited in the original songs combined with Pink's powerful lyrics got me to think about how strange it seems that we still have the idea of "losers" and "freaks." All Pink's "little underdogs" really seem like they shouldn't still exist outside the realms of "normal" and yet somehow they do, especially towards the gay world.


Why is it that we as a society can still marginalize people? We have the knowledge to make this seem ridiculous. First, looking at history, it is the freaks, underdogs, and losers that have shaken this world up when it needed it the most. The US wouldn't even exist in its current form if not for these kinds of people. Secondly, how is it that with all of the information that we have pouring out about ourselves and each other with the web and social networking can we not realize that most everyone is a freak in one way or the other. Ok, so you're a jock. You also "like" old school Mario video games, and used to play house with your sister. You may be prom queen, but your family photos show exactly how much of a tomboy you were for most of your life. Everyone's got at least a little "freak" in them, and yet we still have to pick on it. Even when something seems "accepted" by society, we still manage to push these "accepted people" to the margins.

Being gay is at a seemingly weird point in our history. In some ways we are so accepted that many people feel that being gay is a "non-issue." I mean we have high schoolers kissing on prime time television! While this can be a great thing, it has also lead to an almost ignorant view of the world that still has teens killing themselves because society still says that who they are is wrong. Many of us can't seem to decide whether or not we should allow being gay to matter at all. I hear so often that "being gay isn't who I am." True statement, but does that also mean that we must then give up our camaraderie and shared companionship over being gay? I have always been opposed to this removal in any form. Being gay may not be ALL you are, but it is indeed a part of who you are. There is nothing wrong with embracing this as part of you and celebrating it, not just "accepting" it by ignoring it's there.

I think that the answer to the tough questions we have about what to do, and how to live in a society that still seems to need to label so many of us as "outside" are right at our fingertips. Where can we find these answers? Just ask Pink. "Raise your glass if you're wrong in all the right ways." Embrace who you are, gather together and "Never be... Anything but loud." Don't lose your voice, and eventually, just like in Glee, the best part will follow and everyone will want to be a "Loser Like Me."

Associated Light

Lately I have had the privilege of being surrounded by some amazing people. Some are new people to my life. Others are long time friends who's lives have taken off in brilliant and amazing ways. Even many of my friends from afar seem to be doing stellar things in the world. Perhaps this has been happening for a long time and I am just realizing it do to a random chain of events, or perhaps new heights are appearing at a similar time. Either way, most of the people in my life are to put it bluntly: rocking it out in their own ways.

I am met with several simultaneous emotions when I look at their impact to the world, and to my life. First, I realize how lucky I am to have these people in my life. Where my life has led me could have gone in millions of different directions, and yet whatever has happened- the good and the bad- has brought me here. I think sometimes it's easy to lose sight of that. I have had many struggles and failures in my life to match my successes, but without those, I know that my life would be very different, and more importantly I would probably not know the people that I know now.

The second emotion that I feel is proud of myself. One thing that the great people that I know remind me of is that I deserve to be there. No matter how successful, or famous, or incredible these people are, they choose to keep me in their lives. Even when I am down and out, the fact that these people choose to know me and be my friends proves that I have something to offer.

This "something" that I have to offer brings me to my final, and more complicated feeling. Despite my linguistic proficiency, I am unable to place into a word what this feeling is. The last few weeks have brought me both frustration at where I'm at and a desire and drive to push forward and do more. For the first time these two aspects seem to be melded into a single emotion, that keeps me a little bewildered. Regardless, suffice to say that I know that I need to meet the challenge that has been unintentionally laid out before me. Dark times have hit. What I need to remember is that fire always gives off light and heat and chases the darkness away. Hiding from myself or my struggles will not push back the darkness or lead me to new places. It is the moments when I forget that I live my life by fire, both internally and externally that I lose sight of where I'm going, and my ability to get there.

Darkness can only live in the absence of light. My friends have reminded me that my light shines even when I forget it's there. It is time to reignite myself and be everything that I am. It's time to once again see exactly how brightly I can burn.

2010 has gone, but 2011, I'm glad you're here!

It wouldn't be a New Year without looking back at what has gone and looking ahead at what is yet to come.

Two weeks ago, as the year was drawing to a close, a new chapter of my life began. I am now two weeks into my "thirties" and that on top of this New Year have me looking forward with new vigor.

The last two years have been rough. Last year about this time, I vowed to live my life more fully even in dark times, and in many ways, I succeeded. I entered into a great new relationship, that though it ended eventually, we lived it well. I finally went outside the U.S. for traveling. I wrote more, loved more, and experienced more.

I started coaching again, something I have sorely missed. I saw more theatre. I moved my best friend in all the world in with me. In nearly all things, I have done more. Strangely, I have done all this with less. This year, my living and financial situation was even worse than before. To see how much more I have been able to do though, really proves to me something I have always believed: The world is maleable. We may not be able to have everything we want, but we can create for ourselves a better life if we try.

So that was last year. What does that mean for the one we have just embarked on? This year- the first of my thirties- I want MORE. It was at my birthday party that I first put this into words, and it is something I plan to hold on to. Last year I proved what I can do with little. This year, I intend to be DONE with "little." The economy is recovering. My roots in NYC have been planted deeper, my connections grown. And I'm 30. Some of my friends have hit this milestone with dread, but I hit it as is so unsurprising- with incredible optimism. I am excited to be living in this time and at the age I'm at.

At this moment, I feel like the world is ready to open up even more for me. I can nearly feel a satisfying job and the hint of love right around the corner. Songs have said it far better than I, but I don't know what either of these look like yet, but I know they are right there waiting for me. And I intend to take them.

So this year, I will live with more. I will continue to take forward the valuable lessons I learned last year, and live deeper. I will do even more in the places that I "slacked off" and allowed myself to resign myself to my fate. Then I will take all of this possibility, and I will add to it new adventure and new stability. If I can live well with little, this year I intend to prove that I can live the life incredible as I add more too it.

At one point in my life I was incredibly successful. Partially because of my youth and inexperience, I didn't live a great life when I had that success. Though I don't regret it all, I know now that there is so much more to life that I can have when I embrace and utilize my success. So this year, having learned those lessons, I intend to create success... and then use it well!

Here's to a new decade in time, a new decade of my life, and to a new year of immense possibility!