Finding difficult thanks.

It's that time of year again.

A time when we get together with family, or our family of friends.

A time when we eat far more than we ever should.

A time when we look at our lives and see what we're thankful for.

To be honest, this was a rough year, and my initial inclination was to skip this year's obligatory post. I certainly am not going to pretend to be one of those guys who can list my basic needs in what I'm thankful for. Yes, it's great that I am not starving, sick, dead, devoid of friends, etc. but in all honesty when are we every THANKFUL of that? Should we be? I say no, but many disagree, and that is a debate for another time.

Given that I was not going to spout some drivel about the minute things that subsist in every one's lives, I wasn't really sure that there was much for me to say. Then I did what any self respecting introspective philosopher would do: I looked harder. So it is, that I enlightened myself with the following things that I am thankful for in 2010:

1. I am thankful for the kids that I coach, and the guy I coach with. The last few months have been dramatically better in comparison to the rest of the year almost exclusively because of the coaching I started doing. My kids are amazing- constantly challenging me and surprising me as they rise beyond my expectations. At the pinnacle of that success if of course the guy who found me and roped me into all this. He is an amazing coach in his own right, and his care for our team and the future of our program makes every moment I spend on this endeavor worth it.

2. I am thankful for New York. I have spoken to a few friends from "home," and one thing rang completely true. No matter the difficult trials that this year has presented to me, I still am happier an many ways simply because of where I live. This city never ceases to amaze me, and allows me to find a constant stream of small delights to keep me afloat in difficult times.

3. I am thankful for Starbucks. As small of a moment as it may be, it is great that I have something that brings a small amount of comfort and pleasure no matter how difficult my day might otherwise be.

4. Lastly, I realized that I am thankful for the difference I am able to make in people's lives. Sometimes I forget how truly impactful people can be. Looking around at the lived I have touched makes me realize that while bad things are happening, we can still be a source of great things.

As for the day itself yesterday was really nice. I spent time with lots of different friends, and did a wide variety of things. Sitting down to a nice dinner, holding great conversation, watching parade madness, adventuring out to a show, reveling in some video games, and finally partying up with the diziens of the city, all encompassed a fun day.

100 Little Cuts

It is interesting how human makeup varies so much externally vs. internally.

When our bodies are injured, it is almost always one significant injury that our body can't cope with. When we are faced with little wounds all over, our body has an amazing ability to repair itself. Only when one thing is so damaging will our body normally give out.

When it comes to our hearts and minds though- our emotional well being, the opposite is completely true. Though some significant events such as the loss of a child, etc can be crippling, we are more likely to collapse under the weight of 100 minor stresses. When we face a seriously traumatic experience, our mind has many defense mechanisms that kick into place to keep us afloat. Though sometimes these are only stopgap measures that must eventually be dealt with, we have an amazing resilience to bounce back and not stay mired in internal pain.

Unfortunately what often creeps up on us and we are far less capable of handling is the small things that sneak in under our radar. Nearly everyone I have ever met with clinical depression comes as a result not of a significant trama, but from a life filled with tiny debilitating stresses.

Beyond our own inability to recognize and defend ourselves from these small but multiplicative strains, we often can't reach out to our greatest source of healing: each other. When a major catastrophic event happens in one's life, they are able to turn to their friends and family in a way that sometimes they never have before. Sometimes, this even creates light out of the darkness. This closeness and this aid helps us heal in ways that we never could have on our own.

The problem with the smaller stressors is two-fold. One, we often don't recognize their effect on us, so we don't reach out. Secondly, when we do reach out, it is often met with very little sympathy or support. "Yes, yes, you have problems with you're kids. Don't we all?" or even worse "Oh, I totally agree about your money problems, listen to how bad mine are." When we are confronted with our friends' and families' smaller problems, we find it easy to dismiss them or to compare them to our own problems. This not only doesn't allow someone the comfort and support that we need, but also helps them undermine their own process. If we don't think that their problems are important, it shows them that they aren't important either, forcing them to be swept aside, until that pile of discard is so large it collapses on top of us.

This is the crux of the problem. We don't focus on the small details, our friends encourage this behavior, and yet as such we aren't prepared for the deluge when it hits us. Even worse is if we already have a pile of unaddressed issues and then we are faced with something larger. Perhaps the reason that our body is so much more effective at dealing with the small problems is that it always deals with them. Imagine if every time you got a cut, your body just ignored it. After all it's only a small problem. How long would it be before you had so many "tiny" injuries that you bled to death? How much worse would a major injury be if you're already bleeding from 100 smaller cuts?

When someone goes through a divorce, or is faced with a major problem or huge disappointment, our ability to deal with it is severely handicapped if we are struggling under the weight of all the things that we have forgotten are problems in our life.

So what's the brilliant solution waiting to be revealed? Strangely even psychologists don't have a brilliant answer to this one. Dealing with our problems is always a healthy solution, but when that isn't a viable option (money issues, etc.) it can be hard to let a wound heal. One thing for sure is to make sure that we give strong consideration to what our friends are going through. And whenever possible, we need to try and see if there is a solution to any of our problems. Putting a band-aid on may cover it up, but if the splinter is still in, it will just go deeper and deeper until it gets infected. Try and see if it is within your power to remove the splinter, and of course, ask for help. Letting people help is us one of the surest ways to make our own loads lighter, and hey! That's what friends are for. Don't let yourself be convinced that just because your problem is small, it shouldn't be dealt with. Life may not be perfect, but we sure can try to make it as close as possible!

The Keys to Power

A friend of mine wrote in his blog recently about the keys to Power. His writing made me think a great deal, and as he asked for comments, I tried to put some down for him. I tried several times before realizing that I had far too much to think about- and subsequently to say- than I could put into a simple "comment." As such, I now write for you.

Now first it is important to determine what we're talking about when we mention the word "power." This can be especially tough with such an over-arching word, as there are 32 different definitions in the English dictionary. Clearly many can be ruled out based upon the subject matter, but there are still many to choose from. I bring up this point not to split hairs, but rather to point out that what we view as a powerful person can mean many things. What do we mean when we say a person is powerful or that they have power?

Philosophically, "Power is a measure of an entity's ability to control the environment around itself, including the behavior of other entities." I think that sums things up quite nicely, as it covers all ranges of power from that of a parent to a child, or a world leader, or even a man adjusting nature to himself.

So if this is true, then anything that helps a person control the environment or behavior of others makes him more powerful.

My friend says that there are eight keys to making a person powerful. In brief, they are:

1. Money
2. Fame
3. Charm
4. Aesthetic Faculties (Looks)
5. Influence
6. Fear
7. Authority
8. Knowledge

He notes also that some people are capable of being powerful, and others not, and that the most important of the keys he listed are charm, knowledge and influence.

But what does power mean to me? What makes someone powerful? I agree with my friend in many aspects.

• Money- Totally agree. I have often said that some people become influential because they are talented and lucky. Money is the only sure way to control influence in our society. The entire Earth has seen the effects of Bill Gates, and not just for computers. He has changed art, science, and the welfare of millions of people by choosing where and how his money will be spent.
• Fame- Notoriety is certainly an important aspect. We put trust and faith in people that are well known, regardless of whether or not they deserve such accolades. When a celebrity asks us to do something, we are more likely to do it than if we were asked by someone else. When a disaster happens, who is it that makes us break out our checkbooks with their telethons? Celebrities. 
• Charm- I would say that this is better described as Charisma than charm, but definitely important. Some people just have a knack of getting people to follow them. This natural ability is definitely a driving force in being innately powerful. Think JFK and MLK. Charisma incarnate.
• Looks- Our society has definitely shown that looks matter. We can remember how this was historically illustrated, possibly for the first time in the Nixon v Kennedy debates that were televised for the first time. Kennedy looked smooth and confident, and had good looks. Nixon... was none of these. Most experts agree that this was critical for the results of the election. We as a society let our initial impression of looks determine who we think a person is, and thus what kind of power and influence they have over us.
• Influence- I actually think that power is influence, and vice versa, so would remove this from the list and use this word interchangeably.
• Fear- Sadly an incredible tool to becoming powerful. A person's innate weaknesses are multiplied when they are faced with fear. It is easy to let fear rule us. That said, fear can never create lasting power, because there is no loyalty behind it. The moment that fear isn't present, or the person in power shows any weakness, their power is instantly eroded. Though it may be the easiest road to power, it is the weakest method of staying there. Every dictator that has risen to and fallen from power is a testament to both the power and weakness in fear.
• Authority- We do respect authority as a default. If someone has been given (or earned) a position of power, we innately view them as powerful. Think of cops, or judges, etc. that you respect the "uniform" if not the person behind it. I would definitely say that again, this is a weaker form of power, but is visible in our society every day.
• Knowledge- The most potent form of power may also sadly be the least effective today. We seem to almost turn against those whom are experts in their field, or who actually house knowledge. There is nothing... I repeat... nothing so powerful as knowledge, but in the eyes of others, said knowledge can unfortunately shine far less than a more flashy, if less useful method of gaining power.

I would say that there are 2 additional keys to power that we have thus far overlooked. The first of these is insight. Though tied in some ways to knowledge, insight is more an innate ability to see the heart of a matter and to see it's truth. Knowledge can be gained through insight, but the reverse is not often true. A person with incredible insight will be able to out-position someone with incredible knowledge almost every time. 

A tragic example of this would be Karl Rove. This man carries a limited amount of the aforementioned claims to power, but he instinctively knew how the tides of society were shifting and how to make the most of it. He lacked the knowledge of most of his peers, didn't have the authority of the highest ranking offices, certainly doesn't have much in the way of looks or charisma, though clearly was one of the most powerful people in our country for the last decade. Power indeed.

Finally, I will present intention. Intention may be the most commonly overlooked, but the most vital key to power that there is. A person with true and clear intentions can often clear paths where no other method could. People with intention always seem to be able to accomplish more than you could ever expect with less money, a "lower" position, etc. I contend that this holds completely with the premise that the universe is malleable. Humans have far more control than most of us would like to admit, and it is our intention that makes things happen. It is no coincidence that people who set solid goals achieve them, even if they shouldn't logistically seem to do so. Being clear about what we want, far more than the how or the why will bring us greater results, and when it comes to power, what could be a more clear indicator than the results?

So what's the conclusion? Power is available to all of us. Some of us have it innately. Some of us have more keys to power than others. The most powerful people in our society are the ones that are able to combine their keys seamlessly to create an overwhelming sense of influence and authority. That said, each and every one of us contains our own keys, and it is just a matter of whether or not we choose to use them to make our own little universe a better place to live.