How do you like your eggs?

The thoughts of this dreary Sunday were given a new direction when my roommate decided that a good use of our time would be watching "Runaway Bride." Despite my love of Julia Roberts and romantic comedies in general, I had never actually seen this film. It was indeed enjoyable and a good counter-agent to the gloominess that was permeating my day. Once the movie was over, I felt a theme resonate with me, and the more I thought about it, the more aspects of relationships seemed to tie into this.

The theme is simply ones self. In the movie, it comes out that Robert's character has never settled into who she is and what she wants. Her engagements alwats come with her acting in a way that she can be who they want. This is artfully demonstrated by the fact that each former suitor claims that she likes her eggs the same way that they do. By the end, Roberts realizes that she in fact likes her eggs completely differently from all the guys she had been with. (Her finally landing on loving Eggs Benedict certainly gets a thumbs up from me).

I have talked before about the statement that people often need to get themselves together before they can be in a real relationship. I have often debunked this notion. This movie in some ways challenged my thoughts, but in the end, actually only strengthen my argument. People don't need their lives to be in order. If anything a relationship can often be a catalyst to taking our lives to new heights and bringing in line some of the loose edges that we allow to creep up in your singledom. What we do have to have is our sense of self.

I have seen many people run from relationships because "they weren't in the right place." While sometimes this is indeed true, often it is simply an excuse to continue to live in fear and run away from something serious or potentially painful or difficult. What if often overlooked is when people aren't actually ready, because they don't know themselves. They can't decide what type of eggs to order, what makes them truly happy. No other person is going to provide the pieces to our cosmic puzzle if we don't know what kind of pictures we want our pieced together puzzle to look like. When we seek out people to give us meaning or definition to our lives, we simply assume their meaning and definitions, or assume those that they are looking for. This can never make us happy, because we aren't fitting with what we need.

People weren't meant to create their personalities to fit someone else, or to become someone's mirror, though we all know people who often fall into this trap. I hold that a real relationship is "perfect" when two people come together with their individual wants and needs, and somehow with all that held within them, somehow mesh. Sometimes this means similar wants and needs, sometimes it's just when they work out. I would never need a guy who would love to wolf down my Eggs Benedict, but he better be as happy with my love of them as I am with his Country Scramble. Who knows if we will find a person who will make the same order we do. What matters is if we're both happy with the choices that each makes for themselves, and more importantly, the fact that they know what it is that they want to order.

The value of forgetting

NY Times: The Web Means the End of Forgetting

Not long ago, I spent some time talking about privacy and how people react to having their information spread around. It was brought on by an article that focused a lot on companies. Since then the NY Times did a huge piece that delved into this even more, and it raised even more issues on thus topic.

The above article starts out with the story of a woman who was not allowed to take a teaching job because the interviewer had seen a picture of her drinking on Facebook... from years before. The author delves deeply into the issue of the fact that not only is our information online, but also that the internet doesn't "forget." You can have a drunken wild night in college, and years later those pictures will still be around when you apply for jobs.

Many methods of dealing with this were discussed. In short, I think most of them are worthless. For one, this issue really isn't new. How many politicians and celebrities have been "nailed" with a decades old photo that someone dredged up? The fact that the internet holds this information does indeed make it more available, but it doesn't create a new problem.  The idea that we can "control" information is such a faulty one as I talked about before.

The one person I agreed with heavily that was quoted was Samuel Gosling, the University of Texas, Austin, psychology professor who conducted a study on Facebook and online profiles in comparison to real-life personalities. He says- like I mentioned before- that we need to stop trying to split ourselves. It is unrealistic to have "a home or family self, a friend self, a leisure self, a work self.” As he told Facebook, “I have to find a way to reconcile my professor self with my having-a-few-drinks self.”

As a society we need to remember that we are each one person, and trying to be several is never really going to work. If somehow in the last century we have mastered the technique of pretending to be so very many different personalities, then I praise the internet's capabilities for tearing down that ridiculous practice.

When we realize that our separate "lives" are merged, these issues suddenly becomes much less of a big deal.  “You see your accountant going out on weekends and attending clown conventions, that no longer makes you think that he’s not a good accountant. We’re coming to terms and reconciling with that merging of identities.”

More control is far from what we need. What we need is for people like the interviewer mentioned in the story to come to grips with the realities of life. Most teachers drink alcohol or have at one point in their lives. Trying to hold this past to them is insane. The cliche, yet ever true saying of "Those in glass houses..." At what point did we decide that we should hold people to a higher standard than we do ourselves?

This article talked a lot about how damning the information is since it can't be forgotten. I say that forgetting is overrated. If we forget something we can't learn from it. We all have our embarrassing moments. Maybe what we need is more ability to remember the facets of our own lives when we are trying to condem others. When we forget something we can't learn from it. When we let others forget we disable them from helping us or being our teachers.

I have always held that knowledge is power. Sometimes truth and the past can be painful, or embarrassing, but in the end it is always worth it to have the information. Going through these experiences and remembering them is what helps us grow as individuals and as a society. I for one choose not to forget, but to ensure that I remember.

Do we choose our friends?

It is interesting what circumstances will do to your life that you don't expect. For example, who would imagine that going through a hard break up would make me take stock of my friends? Perhaps the universe decided that it was simply a great opportunity to address this issue, or it could be- as my friend informed me- a bi-product of turning 30 this year. Regardless, I have looked at the people in my life, and those that are noticeably missing, and more than anything I have to wonder how much we really choose our friends.

We have all had experiences where someone we are close to has friends that no one around them can understand. What do they see in that person? What is the basis for their friendship? The scary answer might be that for many "friends" that we have, the answer to the latter is "nothing."A long time ago, a friend told me that often times those we call friends are more often than not "friends of convenience." He said that only those rarest of friends are actually what one might consider a "true" friend. Do we really just end up with people we call our friends because they are around all the time? Doing so takes away the depth of our friendships as well as the choice that we have, leading us to look around at the people in our life and asking "How did I end up with these friends?"

I am a friendly guy. I make friends quickly. I also am social enough that many of my friends meet one another. Lately I have looked at some of the friendships that have spawned from that and wondered "Why?" The sad fact may simply be that many of them become friends simply because they are at the same bar with the same people. How can you not be friends with someone you see all the time? I am just as guilty of the "friend by association" phenomenon. When you make friends with in a circle, it's hard not to take on all the others too. Sometimes this can be a great thing. Adding to your circle of friends can make everyone happy, and enhance all of your lives. The problem comes when it just happens because it happens, not because we're making a conscious decision to hold these people in our lives.

There is of course nothing wrong with making a lot of friends and being friendly. The problem comes when we fail to separate those whom we can enjoy and be friendly with and those who are the true friends in our lives. The most important distinction that should appear is time. One thing I realized is that often I would end up spending times with a bunch of random acquaintances and not near as much with those who are truly good friends. This has led me to miss out on some great friendships, and from deepening the ones that I have. If we look at someone we call a friend and we can't figure out a reason for us to be friends, chances are we should be looking at them as an acquaintance and give each other the attention that title deserves. Forgetting this can become a serious problem, and also lead to sort of a revolving door of friends constantly passing in and out of our lives.

The other negative side to this coin is in people that we should be friends with. There are a few people in particular that I knew the moment I met them and talked to them that we would make great friends. The fact of the matter is that often I never deepened our relationship, completely due to circumstances. If I were to compare that to a romantic interest, it is the exact opposite of what I would do. Seems silly to have such a dichotomy about things that are truly very similar. We wouldn't simply be in a relationship with someone because they were there. Why would we do the same with friendships?

When we meet people, there is always some sort of chemistry. We talk about this a lot when we look at romantic relationships, but friendships are really no different. One friend of mine called me his intellectual soul mate. He and I will never share a bed, but in the meeting of minds we connect on an incredibly deep level. By ignoring these connections and allowing ourselves to hang out with whomever is around, we in effect are doing no more for ourselves than we would if all we did was go on casual dates with everyone we met.

Friendships are a form of relationships. Unlike those we have with our families, and those we fall in love with, we truly have complete choice in who we are friends with. We need to remember this and allow ourselves to have truly powerful relationships in this area of our life as well. Convenient friends are... well... convenient. The fact of the matter is that when it comes down to it, they will rarely bring anything to your life, nor you to theirs. They are filler space, and that makes us filler space to them as well. Much like empty calories, they are fine in moderation, but if that's all we're partaking in, we are never going to be very healthy.