Wicked Goodness

"One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why
No good deed goes unpunished."


What an amazing verse that is! For reference, it came from Wicked "No Good Deed," sung by Elphaba. While I absolutely love the song for its own sake, this part really set my wheels in motion.

A while back I was watching Charmed (no comments. I like it, besides, if I can pull philosophy from it, it can't be all bad. And the eye candy is good too), and one of the episodes had a villain that could enhance the deadly sin you leaned towards the most. One of the girls showed Pride. Without getting into it, you could get rid of his "curse" by helping another. The one exception was Pride. The reasoning was that when you are prideful, anything you do is a benefit to you, and therefore not selfless enough to remove the curse. Hmmm.

When someone does good, are they seeking Good, in the moral sense, or are they being drawn for something else? As Elphaba points out, maybe she was seeking attention for her deeds, feeding her pride. Of course we can also do good things to avoid bad attention. Corporations do that all the time. They don't want to look greedy, so they donate to a charity. Though it is indeed a good action to take, their reasoning is not for good. But this example is obvious. I think that what the song and the show pointed out is that maybe there is no such thing as a good deed.

Think about this. Can you really say that there is ever a time when you do something with no benefit? Picking up a friend in the middle of the night when you were sleeping? True, you don't want to, but really, you are doing it so that you can keep your friendship, which makes you happy and also gives you someone to call when you need help. Is that selfless or selfish? Maybe you went and worked all day at the homeless shelter. In fact, the last one of my friends that did this informed me that though he didn't get paid or anything, it made him feel good just to see the kids smile when they were given some food. Good? Or good for you?

I think you get the point. If there is always something to gain in any situation, can anything be "a good deed?" Assume again that selfishness is bad, would that mean that all good deeds are in fact inherently wicked? Now that's food for thought.

WIcked Goodness?

"One question haunts and hurts
Too much, too much to mention:
Was I really seeking good
Or just seeking attention?
Is that all good deeds are
When looked at with an ice-cold eye?
If that's all good deeds are
Maybe that's the reason why
No good deed goes unpunished."

What an amazing verse that is! For reference, it came from Wicked "No Good Deed," sung by Elphaba. While I absolutely love the song for its own sake, this part really set my wheels in motion.

I while back I was watching Charmed (no comments. I like it, besides, if I can pull philosophy from it, it can't be all bad. And the eye candy is good too), and one of the episodes had a villain that could enhance the deadly sin you leaned towards the most. One of the girls showed Pride. Without getting into it, you could get rid of his "curse" by helping another. The one exception was Pride. The reasoning was that when you are prideful, anything you do is a benefit to you, and therefore not selfless enough to remove the curse. Hmmm.

When someone does good, are they seeking Good, in the moral sense, or are they being drawn for something else? As Elphaba points out, maybe she was seeking attention for her deeds, feeding her pride. Of course we can also do good things to avoid bad attention. Corporations do that all the time. They don't want to look greedy, so they donate to a charity. Though it is indeed a good action to take, their reasoning is not for good. But this example is obvious. I think that what the song and the show pointed out is that maybe there is no such thing as a good deed.

Think about this. Can you really say that there is ever a time when you do something with no benefit? Picking up a friend in the middle of the night when you were sleeping? True, you don't want to, but really, you are doing it so that you can keep your friendship, which makes you happy and also gives you someone to call when you need help. Is that selfless or selfish? Maybe you went and worked all day at the homeless shelter. In fact, the last one of my friends that did this informed me that though he didn't get paid or anything, it made him feel good just to see the kids smile when they were given some food. Good? Or good for you?

I think you get the point. If there is always something to gain in any situation, can anything be "a good deed?" Assume again that selfishness is bad, would that mean that all good deeds are in fact inherently wicked? Now that's food for thought.

Othello

There have been times in my life, like right now, and I look back, and completely understand the play, "Othello." Shakespeare had a knack for making characters that reflected life, and unfortunately, I understand this one more than most.

For those of you who don't know, Othello is an army commander with great honor, who is constantly poisoned (mentally, as it were) against his wife, by his "friend" Iago. Iago is a masterful villain, but I think more so because he is seen by the victim as their friends. If you think about it, you have to wonder how he must have felt. This was a man, surrounded by friends, all of whom were trying to turn him against each other. Of course those trying to turn him against Iago were indeed right to do so, but can you imagine his state of mind?

Imagine that you know someone is misleading you, but you know not who the traitor is. Think about all those small coincidences that could happen to turn you against someone. Each of us has had these circumstances that turn us against our friends when they shouldn't, and that is without a poisoning influence. Add them together, one could go mad.

You trust your friends. In fact, many would say that trust is a necessary hallmark of friendship. At what point do you decide that you have to chose between who is lying and who is not? And what if, as Othello did, you make the wrong choice?

Thoughts like this are scary, and I don't know what to do. I know that for someone who constantly seeks the truth, and yet is blindly optimistic especially with those I care about, it is a constant, and painstaking battle to see through the veil. To know that someone is always lying- as two opposing stories cannot mesh- among your closest friends and families is terrible. I speak not of one situation, but of a repeating play. This scenario may well be the one thing that I hate on this earth.

What's in a Name?

"What's in a name? that which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet;
So Romeo would, were he not Romeo call'd,
Retain that dear perfection which he owes
Without that title:--Romeo, doff thy name;
And for that name, which is no part of thee,
Take all myself."

The powerful and immortal words of Juliet as written by Shakespeare consistently show great wisdom. In this paragraph, however, she says something that is not so very wise at all.

To say that a rose would still smell the same were it not a rose, may indeed be true, but to say that Romeo's name is no part of him is to say something quite different. So why am I talking about Shakespeare? Because he is the best way to start any conversation about humanity, even if his lines seem to speak in opposition to the point I am going to get across.

Were I asked, "What's in a name?" My response, could very well be, "Everything." At the very least, it is highly important. Now, without getting into a religious sidetrack, I believe that whatever being(s) or force of nature created the universe gave man, or else man developed, an incredible power over the world with the use of names. Many ancient religions have hinted around that this is true, and many modern "affirmation" speakers, programs and linguists have revisited the power that language has on the world. I think the impact is dramatic.

Giving something a name delineates it from something else. That something else may be nothing, or it may be something similar. What do I mean by that? Well, if there is a new creation, such as the internet, we created it by giving it a name. When we discovered the difference between the tulip and the rose, we delineated them both from simply being flowers. They have distinction from one another, where the internet has distinction from nothing, since it never existed before.

In Mark Twain's The Diaries of Adam and Eve, Adam is exasperated by Eve's penchant for naming things. Throughout the story though, even he admits that the world begins to take shape, animals show more personality, etc. as the names are given. Not only is there a distinction in their minds, but the world itself seems to partially conform in agreement.

If you know the story of the brontosaurus, you know exactly what I am talking about, though it may have been man's error that brought it on. Until about a decade ago, there was indeed believed to be a dinosaur called a brontosaurus. It was scientifically discovered that this creature may not have ever existed, but was in fact, a brachiosaur. Children who knew this, were confused, because in no way was a brontosaurus a brachiosaur. They didn't even look the same. (For you non dino people, Littlefoot, in The Land Before Time was a brontosaurus, and the long necks with the weird heads in Jurrassic Park were brachiosaurs. Similar maybe, but definitely distinct).They had developed completely differently in our minds, and as such, no longer were the same, but were completely distinct, even if one technically never existed. If ever such a creature did exist, or existed again, it would automatically be a brontosaurus.

Another example of this power is when people try and translate names. It is so hard to do properly, to where it will actually encompass all that something is, that they either fail, or they simply make slight alterations to the already existing name. Look at different cultures, and you will see it's true. Watch a movie in a language that you can't speak, and I guarantee the one thing that you will understand will be the names.

Of course, most of us can't go around naming things, as they already have names, which brings me to my most significant example. There is one thing that we get to name all the time, humans. There are 2 main ways that we do this: labels, and, well, names. Labels are easy to see, and as I have mentioned once or twice in my writings, labels are important, so long as they illustrate fact, not stereotypes. Sometimes we willingly apply labels to ourselves for that very reason. I want people to know that I am a student and a businessman. Sometimes I really want people to know that I am gay. Of course, I don't want people to change that around to think that I am immature, or greedy, or girly. I am simply what my label implies. Before I digress further, I think you get what I am trying to say. Knowing which labels apply to a person can give us great insight into who they are, and if we apply them to ourselves or each other, it can show us who we want ourselves or someone else to be.

Lastly, and I would say most significantly is naming of a person. I think parents on some level have an idea what they are doing when they name their child, though they may not consciously think about all the details. Think about how much time people spend looking at baby name books. But this in itself is not proof. Try these on for size. Why is it that in every book you ever look in, in any culture in the world, Richard and its derivatives means leader? Why is it that Michael, even in areas of the world where Christianity was not permeated, means beloved? (Micheal was the most beloved of all the arch-angels in Christianity). This can be seen over and over again, and even if I believed in coincidence, that connection is too much to be one.

On top of that, you can look at people that you know and see similarities. It was funny. One day at work, Bryan asked if all the Emilys in the world were hot. After I laughed, I thought about it, and though I would change it to beautiful or good looking, he had a point. Even those who weren't model beautiful, seemed to have something about them that made them incredibly attractive. I decided to ask more people, and sure enough, most of them could say that every Emily they knew was indeed attractive. I have "tested" lots of other names, and while I am not, and never will be a researcher, I have noticed similarities. Most people can think of a Josh they know that is "tough." Many know Ashley to be complicated. Like I said, I have no way made this a science, but it is something to think about.

The last thing that I want to bring up is when people change their names. Many people who have done this, say they do so because it feels right. When we adopted my little sister, my mom changed her name from Ashely to Nicole, because "she looked and felt more like a Nicole." Strangely enough, knowing my sister like I do, she seems to embody a little bit of Ashley with a lot of Nicole (according to what the names are supposed to mean). We all know people who hate one incarnation or another of their name. My sister Jessica refuses to be anything but Sica. To her, it fits, and if you know her, it does indeed even though Jessica was her name her entire life. We know the people who abandon their names for their initials, creating something of a new name. We know people who use their full name, or refuse to do so. I know when I changed my name, it was with careful diliberation, and though I did not realize it at the time, it was finding a name that was indeed me. Taking names from throughout my family was something that since that time has become significant to me. Those who have known me throughout my life have said that Rick Raven is indeed the right name for me.

I don't pretend to know all the reasons behind all of this, but I wanted to put my thoughts down. Perhaps more will come from this in the future, and in the meantime, I bet it is something you can think about and debate me on, which of course is the best thing in the world.

Relationship Equality?

First off, let me say that I saw Flight 93 today, and I really liked it. I think it was extremely well done and to me it was a moving tribute to those who fought so hard. I know that some people were angered that the film was released, but I think they are being ridiculous. If it is too soon for them, they need not see it. I am glad that it came out, and I felt that it did far more good than it could ever do harm.

Alright. That rant out of the way, I want to move on to something that I have in one form or another pondered for a while: Can their really be equality in a relationship?

What I mean by this is that the majority- if not all- relationships seem to be lopsided. One person really is the caretaker, while another is dependent. Sometimes there are multiple levels of this that vary between partners. The "traditional" view of marriage for a long time was that the man supported the family financially, the woman, emotionally. Even in this, though, there is no equality. They are not on equal footing, and in that example, no one is able to support the woman emotionally, nor the man financially.

I think that the ideal relationship is one in which both parties constantly benefit. A pairing in which they can rely upon one another equally. Sometimes I wonder if this is unrealistic. Even more, it is possible that it is undesirable. I don't know if I believe that, but perhaps there is something to be said for someone to take care of someone who wants to be taken care of.

I guess there is something in my independent nature that screams out against this, but at the same time, I want to be able to be supported by someone too. I want to know that I provide for someone while they provide for me. I think that in a truly great relationship, two very different people bring out the best in one another... equally. While one may not necessarily be as passionate, if their partner's passion stirs in them their own passion, I would say it is a good match. If the energetic one is the only source of passion in that relationship, I think that is inequal.

At this point I am not sure what the answer is, and I wonder what other thoughts people have. In time, I am sure more will come.

Family

Well, I have just returned from my impromptu trip to Portland to visit one of my moms. I had planned on making pretty much the same trip a few weeks from now, but after she suffered two strokes in three weeks, I was prompted to move things up quite a bit. This all happened the same week that my other mom and sister were in a car accident. Having so many emergencies with family members certainly forces you to look at things, and spending extra time with them added to my contemplation. This is really an attempt to lend words to my thoughts without much purpose, but that is the great thing about journals- they serve whatever purpose you want them to.

As always happens when I travel, I become even more thoughtful (a scary thought, I know) and I often get inspired in different ways. In addition to the family significance to this trip, it was also the first time I have driven so far alone. I drove my car to Portland, and my brother and sister-in-law are driving it back even as I type this. I was able to spend some time in Denver, and make a quick stopover in Salt Lake. I really like both of those cities. Salt Lake is really too far away from anything I want to live there, but it is nice to visit. It is certainly beautiful, and like Atlanta, many improvements were made to the city because of the Olympics. Denver, on the other hand, is certainly a place that I could live. I am even more convinced now that it is a great stepping stone for me between KC and my eventual residence on the coast(s). I haven't made any hard movements yet, but this trip certainly has me keeping my eyes open in that direction.

As I mentioned, my family situation certainly received some examination. It is the first time in a few years that I have even seen some of my "immediate" family that was there, and definitely since I was able to spend some serious time with them. The best part of the trip was spending a lot of time with my brothers, Jack. When he was younger- about 15- he lived with me, but since that time, we haven't really spent a ton of time together. I see him every week or so, but it isn't really anything substantial. Things have improved somewhat since his fiance came to work with me and his son was born. I am in love with my nephew.

I really liked getting to spend a lot of time with him again. When he was younger, we were really close, but he started spending a lot of time with another brother, Mike. They are only a month apart in age, so this makes a lot of sense, but Mike and I... well... took different paths in our life, and have very little to do with each other now... intentionally. Though I still care about him, he and I just don't mesh well at the moment, and when Jack started getting involved in that life, we also fell apart. I am excited because after this trip I think we kind of got past that, and after spending more time with my nephew, I am even more in love with him (though he was a heathen for most of the trip), and I think that considering some of the interactions Kellie (Jack's fiance) and I had with our family, we are even closer now. Add it all together, and I think that if nothing else, this trip pushed us together and made at least the four of us more of a family.

I wish I could say that it was the same for the rest of my family. It was a weird combinations of feelings that I had. On one hand, the scare with my mom as well as the environment she and my other siblings lived in, definitely kicked my protective nature in overdrive. I wanted so much to make their lives better, and it exasperates me to no end that they haven't seen the need to do so themselves. It is not that they are happy where they are, but that they haven't initiated any change that will improve their situation. I am still unsure what will be done, but I know that no matter how complacent they are, I have to do something, but also have to remember not to do everything for them either. That delicate balance with people is something that I am getting better at, but is still a challenge.

Another feeling that I unfortunately felt was distance. Kellie and Jack arrived a day before I did, and when I was driving into town, Kellie called urging me to get there as fast as possible so that she would have someone to talk to. I wasn't sure exactly what she meant, until the first 10 minutes I spent there. There is a level of closeness with Jack and his brothers that I don't necessarily have, and when they are together, they sometimes exclude the rest of the world. That in and of itself was hard enough, but as more time passed, I just felt that in some ways my life is so disconnected from theirs. Kellie certainly felt the same way, but I am not sure to what degree. To feel that way with my own brothers was deeply concerning, but I realized it wasn't even just them. My mom is seeing someone, and he has 5 kids of his own, and even they seemed more connected. There were just similarities that we didn't share and it seemed burdensome.

I think that part of this goes back to something that I talked about before, about the connection to family. I only felt a very tentative innate connection, and as I watched and listened to them, I realized how utterly different my life is from theirs. Somethings were tiny, like the fact that all of them were drawn to speaking Spanish, whereas I speak French. Some things aren't so small. All of them to some level are still grappling with the fact that I am gay. Though they won't say so, it is obvious sometimes when they don't mean it to be.

Maybe the differences don't matter. Maybe I can draw enough from our similarities that our differences won't matter, or in some ways will even make things better. Some of my best friends are very different from me, and some are the differences are the best things about our relationship. I am not even sure why it feels so different with them, but I couldn't shake the feeling of being an outsider. Strangely enough, there is also a certain amount of idolization that some of them (strangely even the adults) express, and I think if anything that this is making the situation worse. I think Jack respects me, but doesn't feel the need to go beyond that, which is probably something that makes us able to have a stronger relationship. I am not even sure what to do with that.

I have always been the caretaker of my family in one way or the other. I raised one of my brothers and sisters since they were four and five, and as the oldest was a support for my mom as well. When my other mom appeared with four more younger siblings that had spent their lives hearing about the existence of some mythical older brother, they immediately fell in line. Since that time, partially because I am the oldest, and also due to my ambition, I have been the most financially stable person in my family, and have often been the source of financial aid to them as well. I am also the only one related to everyone in my family, and for some reason have always wanted to keep the family together, so I also seem to fall into the connector/peacekeeper/emotional rock as well. Mix all this up and it leaves a difficult situation that everyone deals with differently. As my siblings have gotten older, some of them have resented my position in their life, while some embrace it, but none of them seem to have found a simplistic relationship with me like they have with one another.

Well, it is getting late, and I could probably go back and forth thinking about this for a long time. Perhaps now that I have come back, being detached will give me some answers, and maybe even this trip will be a positive step in cementing some of my family connections, or answering some of my questions as to the nature of family.