Thoughts by the nation's capital

Written October 6, 2004 11:30pm:

I am writing this on my laptop for you, even though you won’t be able to see it until tomorrow. You see, my Ethernet cable broke, and so I cannot access the internet until tomorrow (or as you read this, today). Despite my inability to put this online just now, I wanted to get it down.

Today was rather busy for me. I ran around doing last minute errands all morning, got my haircut, raced to Jefferson City for the Grand Opening of the UPS Store, then jumped in the car again to get to the airport in time to catch my flight. I am now safely within my hotel in Washington DC. I am staying at the Governor’s House Hotel, the same place I stayed last year which is not far from downtown, and conveniently across the street from the new HRC building. It is a pretty nice place with lots of the amenities that I like the best, so it’s a good fit.

Anyway, it was certainly not the hotel that I intended to talk about. Actually, I want to talk about the drive to the hotel. As I left the airport, I was looking out at the skyline, easily picking out some of our nation’s greatest monuments, and I was struck by the wonder of where I was. Even though I have been here on many separate occasions, I am still amazed at the feeling I get when I am here. I must say it is hard not to feel something when in the capitol of the most powerful nation in the world.

Riding through the downtown streets, I thought a lot about a newfound favorite show of mine,The West Wing. Regardless of your opinions politically, I doubt that few people who watch that show wouldn’t come away with some sort of energy. For me, the feeling is immense. Being here rekindled that fire within me even more. This is where the magic happens. Good and bad, right and wrong, justice and injustice all embodied in one place. One of the things that I like about the show is that it shows so many sides to the struggles. Even if you are in the right, you cannot always succeed. Often when you think you are right, you are in fact wrong. Those who “fight the good fight” will always have to contend with those who are selfish.

The show for me is realistic because it shows that there are many mistakes made here too. Though we may be the only superpower in the world, we, and our elected leaders still make mistakes. A glance at Arlington can show you more than words ever can some of the grievous errors in our history.

I am sure it would come as no surprise to you who know me, but I often feel more like Mr. Smith Goes to Washington than anything else while I am here. I feel that there is a potential here unlike anywhere else in the world. So many times I think that we forget about what is possible. So often we get hung up on the bad things that have happened, or what might happen, that we neglect the potential. So much could be done, not only here, but everywhere, were people simply willing and able to reach out and make a difference.

As I sit here looking at the wonder that is our nation’s capitol, I cannot help but be energized to do just that. I hope that you can share some of my excitement, and maybe you can do something tomorrow that makes you feel as though you have made a difference in the world even if it is to just one person. We all have the potential. Being here helps me find mine. Seek out what unlocks yours.

Impatience and self-evaluation

Okay, before you say anything, yes, I know that it is not a much better picture, and yes, I have green hair, but I am had to put something new up before my best friend killed me. I guess the good thing about all the flack I take about my pictures is that people think I am cuter in person. Small comfort, but some nonetheless. Anyway, I got tired of doing what I was supposed to be doing, so I thought I would write for a bit.

I realized today how little patience I have for things that don't interest me. One of my many fire-like and Sagittarian traits, my impatience seems to be something I can't get rid of. For example, I was sitting in my exposition class and we were talking about proper citation. Talk about useless information for me. Even if I hadn't been doing some sort of writing since I left high school, hadn't taken numerous writing classes there and in college, the fact that I was a debater makes citation pretty much a no-brainier. I can't imagine any writing I would do that would have more citation work than being a competition debater. Well, anyway, I really like the instructor, so I did my best to pay attention and act like I was learning something new and interesting. I swear I could count the seconds tick by. I could not wait to get out of there. It drove me batty.


During the second half of the class, when we switched towards the psychology of Dracula, everything got better, but afterwards I couldn't help but notice how pronounced my impatience was. I was drawn back to my 8th Grade science teacher. He told me that he really enjoyed having me in his class, but that I was limited because I would- and possibly could- only learn what I was interested in or what I felt was important. He couldn't have been more right. Try as I might, I cannot bring myself to study something I don't care about. If it's not interesting, it has to be of vital importance. Take math for example. Post 6th Grade, I consider it almost a complete waste for me. I have great respect for it as a subject, it's just not for me. The only way that I could bring myself to focus on any of it was to relate it to my life. Personal finance, and later business finance were unknowingly my math instructors' saving grace. It was never that I couldn't pick it up, it was simply that until I felt I had a reason to, I could never focus long enough to do so.

It frustrates me to have things like this that I have so little control over, but the fact of the matter is, that's the truth. I have tried to be patient. When the situation demands it, I can feign patience. The fact remains that I can't really change it though. There are quite a few things about myself that fall into that category. I think that one of the best things that I have done in the past few years is to stop trying to pretend that I do not have my flaws. By comming to grips with them, I am able to work on some, and work around others that are inevitably with me. My personality is such that most often my greatest strengths are also my greatest weaknesses, and I have to acknowledge one to acknowledge the other. Take my patience, I learn faster than most people I know, assuming it is something I am attached to, either by interest or necessity. I have come to realize there are a lot of things that I will never be able to grasp as well as some people, and I will probably never be the fount of knowledge that some of my friends are.

Which is better? I can't possibly say. All I know is that the more I come to grips with the strengths and weaknesses that I have, the better I feel about myself. It might sound cheesy to say so, but I find that it is true. Since we're kind of skirting the issue, I will tell you some deep information about my life. About 3 years ago, I was a very different person from the one I am now. While many things have changed, I think that the single most important event was one of the hardest. I had a friend that I lost for many reasons, but the more I looked at it, the more I realized it was because I wasn't being true to myself. I wasn't comfortable with who I was, and so I pretended to be someone else. He, being the good friend that he was, saw right through it, and felt as though I was living a lie. In retrospect, he was completely right. Only after having to feel the pain of losing my friend was I able to look at myself and start to see who I truly was. When I did this, I certainly didn't like everything that I saw, but I hope that I never do.

People aren't meant to be perfect, and thinking that we are or pretending that we are is wrong. It can only hurt ourselves and the world and people around us. I learned that there are a great many things that I needed to work on. I still see that. I try and go to the gym more, read more, and be a better friend. I also saw that there are things about me that I cannot change. I used to be embarassed that I wan't a full time student, and so I let people assume that I was. This was asinine. If I had followed the "traditional" track, I would not be where I am now, or the person that I am now. For better or worse, that was where my life took me, and once I embraced it, I no longer felt guilty about letting people mislead themselves, and I felt more comfortable with what I was doing. This is but one of many examples of how this kind of self examination has helped me.

One of my dearest friends, Christopher Benson, and avid fan of Oscar Wilde always tells me that an unexamined life is not worth living. In fact, I would venture to say that the fact that I am constantly evaluating myself is one of the things he finds most wonderful about me. Of course, he and I met just over 2 years ago. I had jumped that hurdle that he never knew I needed to, and he helped me take it to all new levels. I must say that he has been instrumental, but come to think about it, I doubt we ever would have gotten so close had I not lost one friend due to my stupidity.

Wow. That was more information than I ever intended to put on here. I think I am going to stop now. I hope you enjoyed this little window into my past, and who I am. I also hope that you won't hold my past mistakes against me to harshly. Adeiu for now!

Importance of people

Isn't it strange how stress has to be dispelled while happiness seems to fade all on its own? Seems rather unfair if you ask me. This thought came to me as I started to write because today was very stressful, but this weekend was nothing but joy. The sad thing was that as the weekend ended and today came, the giddy happiness that had claimed hold of me was vanishing. Later on, that feeling was replaced with stress, which I have worked hard to reduce this evening. This disparity seems frustratingly sided against what is in our best interest. Maybe it just goes to show you that you have to hold on to the joys in your life... and maybe more importantly the people who make them.

I can definitely acknowledge the latter part of that statement considering that the bulk of my positive time this weekend was due to the fact that I spent it with a person who never ceases to bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. It's amazing how there are just some people that enter your life that can always move you more than you can explain. I don't know for sure what this can be attributed to, but whatever force it is, I must say that it is compelling. No one can ever say what the future will bring, but I am sure that if we are able to find and hold onto the people like that in our lives, our world would seem that much better.

Heh. It's interesting how many thoughts run through my mind when I think or talk about these subjects... and this person. The more I think about it, the more I realize how lucky I am to have people like him in my life. The road we have traveled together has been littered with mines, and yet when we are together, the trials and time between us seem to fade away into nothing. There are few people who can ever have that effect, and I have to say that they are the greatest friends, and therefore the greatest treasures in all the world.

I get angry at myself to think of all the people I have inadvertently let slip out of my life. What if one of them could be such a great friend to me? What if I could be that friend to them? There are so many ridiculous things in life that get in the way of the things- the people we should really be focusing on. Life's uncertaintly only further creates the need for us to hold on to the bonds we make. I must say that I am not necessarily the best at doing this. Even with the friend I saw this weekend, part of our estrangement was my own fault. Due to circumstances, I was unable to give the same time to him that I did before. Now, distance more than time seperates us, and I would give anything to have the time I gave up back. Although his case is quite special, it is not unique. I could make a list of family members and friends over the years that I have lost touch with simply because "the real world" intruded upon us. The time I spent at Harvard comes to mind. While there, I made friends from all across the world. The time we spent together was amazing. Were you to ask me then, I would say that I would be friends with most of them for the rest of my life. Flash forward to the presesnt, and I haven't seen anyone since we left school, and I only even talk to one or two of them at all, none with the regularity I should.

Well, this is certainly not the direction I had intended this to go. I suppose that's the joy and plight of writing what you think and feel: sometimes your heart and mind take you to places you never wanted to explore. Maybe having finally written this down I will be able to hold myself to some of the efforts I so often promise myself that I will make. I mean of course this is not the first time I have felt the need to bridge the gaps that have seperated those in my life, but it never fails that all my attempts fizzle out as time goes on and "things come up." I hear all the time that the best way to set goals is to write them down, and even better if you tell someone about them. Perhaps this will kind of work along the same lines. I am writing, and I am telling people... Maybe when I write in this journal and I think about what I have written before, I will remember my commitment, and it will stay with me. I am not naieve enough to believe that things will not come up, and that there won't be gaps I can't bridge, but at least this way, maybe the effort will produce something. Maybe it will bring back someone to my life, and me to theirs.

Okay! Enough for now. I will know next time to be careful what I write when thinking about someone that I deeply care for. The depth of those feelings seem to be able to unearth an even more random set of cheesy musings than normal (and as you know, for me, that is certainly saying something). So for now, I bid you adieu.